How/when to go about dating her...
gmaster213
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay so this is a follow up from this thread I posted asking for help and comments: forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/185183/girl-cheats-with-me-stuck-in-relationship-how-to-get-her?new=1
Now I took some of the advice and tried to let this girl go and pursue other women and that was going well at college for me but then break started and all those interests were put on hold and I just enjoyed skiing and break in general. Well over the break I'm texting "Tina" and she's just not happy when she's visiting "David" out at his place. She was all depressed and was saying how she wished she was home and missed me and I started to assume things but didn't want to jump the gun. She then said she's coming home early and tells me how she broke up with him (just after a year and a half of dating) and I was just in disbelief. Her reasons she told me being that she had lost herself in the relationship and "David" was pushing her so much it made her drift and pull back from him and she just wanted to get out of it to find herself. So she comes home and we set up a day to hangout at my house and she comes over at 7am and we watch HIMYM, make cookies and have a great day together and I just stayed away from the topic of "us".
So I know I shouldn't even consider dating her yet because the break up was so soon but what time frame should I look at here? We have had feelings for each other for a long time now and I'm just wondering how long should I wait before proposing to date.
Thanks in advance
Now I took some of the advice and tried to let this girl go and pursue other women and that was going well at college for me but then break started and all those interests were put on hold and I just enjoyed skiing and break in general. Well over the break I'm texting "Tina" and she's just not happy when she's visiting "David" out at his place. She was all depressed and was saying how she wished she was home and missed me and I started to assume things but didn't want to jump the gun. She then said she's coming home early and tells me how she broke up with him (just after a year and a half of dating) and I was just in disbelief. Her reasons she told me being that she had lost herself in the relationship and "David" was pushing her so much it made her drift and pull back from him and she just wanted to get out of it to find herself. So she comes home and we set up a day to hangout at my house and she comes over at 7am and we watch HIMYM, make cookies and have a great day together and I just stayed away from the topic of "us".
So I know I shouldn't even consider dating her yet because the break up was so soon but what time frame should I look at here? We have had feelings for each other for a long time now and I'm just wondering how long should I wait before proposing to date.
Thanks in advance
gmaster213 on
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...Also, in my opinion, it's sort-of creepy when you talk about what 'base' you got to in the context of this discussion. Just FYI.
I kind of think that since you are already fooling around, and I'm guessing you aren't going to stop doing that, then I really see no point in waiting at all to ask her on a date. It seems kind of like you've both already set yourselves on this path anyway.
Thing is though her ex and I are friends and they had that long relationship so if we just jump into one together it's going to really mess something up in terms of friendship. When she broke up with him it was pretty much on good terms although he didn't want it at all, but if we jumped into dating real soon I have no doubt it would cause a mess.
You didn't mention anything in your previous thread about David being your friend. You were fucking your friend's girlfriend / fiancee? I mean, I can't imagine that the friendship means much of anything to you if that's the case.
There are no sure-fire ways to avoid the consequences of doing something like what you've done. Maybe you'll get caught, maybe you won't - you'll know better than anyone here about how to best hide your tracks.
My only recommendation at this point can be to stop doing what you're doing, regardless of Tina's current relationship status, cut off contact, and find new social connections. I mean, what if tomorrow Tina has a change of heart and tells David what his dear friend Gmaster has been up to? I've seen that exact thing happen before, and it almost always ends violently.
I pretty much would say exactly what The Ender just said, so there's no point my repeating it.
And if you and Tina do start going out, you two still risk looking like assholes. (And you can't predict how David will react.) You have to play your cards really carefully here buddy.
As soon as you're together he's going to ask how and when it came about, and no matter what you say I imagine it'll gnaw on his mind that it was while they were dating.
Take a step back for a minute. You are secretly dating (but not really dating, just hooking up with) your friend's ex, who cheated on him with you. That's some ridiculous soap opera bullcrap, right there. I get it, though. You're SUPER IN LOVE with Tina, and she's DEFINITELY THE ONE FOR YOU. I've seen the Cosby Show, I know that nothing I say is going to make a dent in that kind of nonsense. The harsh truth is that this is absolutely not going to work out. It doesn't matter what you do. The two of you are not going to ride off to the big magical castle where the furniture sings you a ditty. What's going to happen is you will continue to date Tina for a while (in secret or out in the open), you'll probably have sex, and then you will break up. David is going to find out (Tina will probably confess your relationship to him). He is not going to be your friend anymore. This experience will upset you a lot, but you'll learn from it and move on.
So, I say get started already. You're going down this road no matter what anyone says. Your other thread was chock full of "don't do this" and you're back asking for more advice about the best way to shoot yourself in the foot. Fine. Pull the trigger and get it over with.
If this is at all a genuine perspective from her then what she is saying she needs is space to not be in a relationship while she "finds herself".
If you and she had mutual romantic feelings this kind of interaction is likely not going to help her with the former. We can all pretend you both are being objective and it's "friend only", but she just dumped her boyfriend and is now spending time with his friend (with whom she cheated on her boyfriend with?).
Wrong way to look at it. If you're working within her reasoning of why she broke up the existing relationship then the time is right when she feels ready to enter into a new relationship (and presumably this would take some time as she figures out how to not be in a relationship for awhile, and feels confident she can maintain her "self" while in a relationship).
It's difficult to tell as an outside observer, cause I'd certainly want to give her the benefit of the doubt (as you reported her intentions). However if she genuinely ended the relationship for the reasons you report then she needs time and distance from you. How much time is a factor of when she feels ready without your pressuring her. And your respecting that distance shouldn't affect the likelihood of you 2 getting into a relationship later.
Things don't look good for you and David. If that's your concern there is no set "cooling off" period. What is informing your concern about "how long to wait"?
Hmmmm almost as harsh as my opinion on this. Mine boils down to: Don't ask her out!
What you guys had may have been real and she just needs some time, but to me it kind of sounds more like what she had with you was more a reflection of how she felt about the relationship she was in than anything to do with you. I don't think there IS a good timeframe. I don't think you should do it. I think that you should decide on a respectful period of time, and if SHE hasn't approached YOU about a relationship by the end of it you should move on because if she hasn't she probably wasn't really thinking of dating you.
It's worth noting that this is the exact opposite of the advice I would normally give. Normally I'd tell you not to wait, to get some clarification when you can. This time, the way you've worded your posts here suggests to me that you're about to lose a number of friends greater than one on a girl who really is looking to be single for a while.
There are three bases and home plate.
For hetero guys like me, first base is kissing, second base is touching upstairs, third base is touching downstairs, home plate is wang in orifice.
...
Anal is a grand slam.
However, you've indicated that the ex-boyfriend she was cheating on with you is a friend of yours that is also in your social circles. That...complicates matters significantly.
Basically, you have a few choices.
Go for it and risk losing your friend 'David' and also possibly create a lot of ill-will in your shared social circles. Get it out in the open, peel the bandaid off, and just live with the consequences of your actions. If that means you lose David as your friend and the other people in your social circles side with him against you, it's ultimately your fault.
The other option is not to go for it, and hope you can stay friends with the guy whose girlfriend you were banging. I personally think it's a pretty shitty thing to betray a friend like that and pretend you did nothing wrong, but to each their own. Also, keep in mind there is a decent possibility this will eventually slip out - either you fooling around with her while she was on the rebound, or the honest to god cheating - and you'll end up in the same place.
There is an alternate option that might salvage your relationship with David, and that would be breaking it off and coming clean on your own...but there is still a good chance the betrayal will destroy your friendship.
At the end of the day, if you're going to fool around with a friend's significant other, you probably don't deserve to have them as a friend, and they are better off without you. It's a selfish thing to do, and demonstrates a real lack of respect for that friend - something that's likely to be noted by your other friends as well.
This is about as right on as a post can be. It's probably going to go down 1 of 2 ways. She may have just wanted to shake up the ex and will go back once he finds out and gets jealous. Or she's just wanting to have some fun with someone who doesn't come with a bunch of relationship expectations, and the minute OP gets invested, will break it off. Odds are high it will blow up in your face op, but hey, that's sort of what college dating is all about, so you might as well just do what you're clearly going to do anyway.
As for advice, try this in the long term: work on your self esteem, so that in the future you won't be so completely desperate that you'd mess around with a vulnerable friend, just because she was there and willing.
You're not a bad guy, OP, but you sure as hell will be if you don't try to learn something from this.
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