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Traded my wife for a roommate... not sure what to do now.

EWomEWom Registered User regular
Hello. I've been married for 5 years. At the end of year four, we had a daughter, who did not survive a premature childbirth, due to many complications. Lots of tests from different specialists have determined that, we can expect almost the exact same thing to happen anytime we try and have a child, even with the best medicine & are we could get, we are looking at a less than a 1% chance of carrying a child to term, and about a 10% chance of carrying a child to a "survivable" premature term.

Now I have no idea what is going on with my wife, but she has changed. There is no affection, very little emotion, absolutely no sex, we sleep separately, and are essentially roommates who share bills, and sometimes if I'm lucky a meal.

I have tried talking to her, many times. I have asked what I can do, she says I have changed, and am not the husband I once was, and she is "just not feeling it"; I feel as though I have made the requested changes of me, and am still met with a cold, distant, roommate. Rather than an affectionate partner.

I have suggested couples counseling as well as personal counseling on a few occasions, and met with a few different responses varying from aloof not interested, to angry that I would suggest such a thing. Although now, sometimes, she is somewhat receptive to couples counseling, sort of.

She goes through some rather crazy mood swings lately, from a personable person, who is somewhat chatty; like a friend or acquaintance would be, to, to put it bluntly, a bitch.

I am at the end of patience, I have put in everything I can to try and salvage this marriage to the woman I truly love; but can no longer be in a relationship like this; and I guess I just don't know what to do, or who to talk to. I am going to try counseling (if she is still up for it), but I really feel like the end is coming; and I am very sad.

I have never felt an emotional pain like this before; and I am having a hard time dealing with it.

Any advice, on anything in this post is appreciated, because I am just lost, and hurting.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Posts

  • LostNinjaLostNinja Registered User regular
    Condolences for the loss of your child. As for the rest of what you posted, it sounds like you are doing or trying to do the best possible thing in this situation, and that is to seek counseling, both for yourself (if you go by yourself, a counselor might be able to best advise you on getting her to try couples counseling if she is still against it) and for you and your wife together.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited March 2014
    You've been together for 5 years, and you are talking about losing a baby at the end of year 4... I'm assuming you mean less than 3-6 months ago you both experienced not only the death of something precious (to her at least), but also one that has likely played hell with her hormones and her body, and she has just been told that she can likely never, ever carry a child to term between the two of you.

    I don't know how you handled all that information, and you should almost certainly look into personal grief counseling for each of you if you haven't. On her end though... her baby died, and it was NOT very long ago, and then testing told her that something about her body is likely the enemy here. Hell, I'd say even if it was a year ago, or maybe two, that's not very long to process all of the loss she is probably experiencing. She is in mourning for her child, and also for the life she'd envisioned for herself. This is a BIG DEAL. Like, as a woman who has lost a baby in the past and has also had a baby within the last year, I don't know how to impart to you how awful all of that is, or what it would have done to me. I don't know how to explain to you how what you are describing would have crushed my soul, and then to be told I can never? Whether or not you have changed, and even if you haven't, I can guarantee you she has, and you are talking about something that happened a very short time ago. Of course you haven't had sex. Her body and emotions will be recovering from this for a long time. Of course she isn't exactly who she was... she lost her baby, your baby, and she can never give either of you another one. This was a very recent tragedy, the scope of which I'm guessing you don't really grasp here even if you are hurting.

    Has she talked about other options yet, and if they're feasible? Surrogacy, IVF, adoption? Can either of you (or are you ready to) embrace those options with the open arms that you had for the child you just lost? Have you discussed all of this between you? You are both still deep in the grief process, and now you are talking about leaving her because she isn't coping perfectly with all of this. I kind of want to shake you and ask what's wrong with you, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are either still going through your own process or so insensitive that you just can't see what you are asking of her and need a little help with that. Your expectations of her and what she should be feeling are so unreasonable it's difficult for me to understand how you could have the nerve to post all of this if you really understood what you are saying here, or if your first statement wasn't a typo and you actually meant the end of year 2.

    I think you should get personal counseling for yourself, whatever she thinks of it for herself or for you as a couple. It will 1) help get the ball rolling on the issue of counseling and maybe it will seem less [whatever] to her if you are experiencing it, 2) help you cope with your own loss if you haven't, 3) help you pin down how you really feel about her with all this new information, and 4) hopefully help you process and understand what she is experiencing, even if she maybe isn't ready to talk about it herself. Has she been back to her doctor frequently to monitor her hormones and make sure you are both giving her body the best care possible? It took my hormones ages to go back to normal after my own loss, and I hadn't really even been pregnant for very long. If you are not actually ready to throw in the towel after this laughably short period of time you need to make sure you get through your own process and learn to understand and respect hers. I am sure you are hurting after the loss of your baby and perceived loss of your wife, but this all happened within her own body and that needs acknowledgement.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • mcdermottmcdermott Registered User regular
    You've both gone through something incredibly traumatic, and she may be taking it harder than you, so basically consider what ceres said.

    That said, this kind of damage can stack up pretty quickly, so while I agree that giving it a bit more time is wise after you've invested so much (and given what she's gone through) I also don't recommend letting things sit in this state for too long. It's very easy to wind up going two, three, four years in this kind of relationship out of inertia, and those are years of your life you don't get back. If she's "not feeling it" and not willing to enter some kind of counseling before too long (and I mean actually willing to show up to an appointment, for realsies) then you need to end it. Waiting for her to do so (and eventually she will) is just burning time, time you could be spending with somebody who is feeling it. Or at least learning how to be happy on your own.

  • EWomEWom Registered User regular
    It was actually her who first brought up divorce, which hit me a little out of the blue. She came up to me with a list of our assets and how she thought they should be divided. It was then that the "not feeling it" came out, and we talked for awhile, and that's when she said she'd thought I'd changed, and what had changed. At that point was when she decided she would try and give it another shot, and see if we could resolve our problems.

    But with no communication coming from her, and basically limited contact on a personal level, as well as wishy/washy reactions to my attempts to try and get things going(as far as counseling is concerned), I am tired of trying.

    Perhaps I have not given her enough time, it's been approximately 1 1/2 years since the loss of our child. I am not begging for sex, I simply pointed out that as a fact of our relationship, but is it so selfish of me, to want her to take my arm and allow me to walk her into the restaurant on the rare occasion we go out?

    Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    If she came to you and it's been a year and a half then.. ugh. Sorry to hear that. If it's been that long and she doesn't want to work on it... that says a lot. If she's not willing to go to counseling and SHE doesn't want to give it time, there's not much you can do.

    Either way, get some counseling for yourself. It is really the best thing you can do for yourself after everything that's happened. Maybe she'll follow suit in the end or maybe she won't (though I hope she does), but either way it's worth doing just for you.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • CreaganCreagan Registered User regular
    She might open up to the idea of counseling a bit more if you really emphasize that it will be entirely on her terms and she doesn't have to go back if she doesn't like it. I was almost phobic about the prospect of seeing a counselor/therapist for a long time, and knowing that I wasn't getting forced into anything really helped me. She may be a little more receptive to the idea if it's only one session, just to see what it's like with no pressure.

    But if she really doesn't want to do it, don't force the issue.

  • mcdermottmcdermott Registered User regular
    Yeah, sounds like you're done. You can keep trying to work on it, but there's like a 95% chance that time will be time wasted. There's also a very good chance that if you separate, she will suddenly want to try to work things out. That's almost certainly a waste of time, too. Time to start looking out for yourself, and her really...both of you need to go be happy with somebody else (or on your own).

    At this point you need to start looking at the logistics. It's not an easy process, takes time, your state (if in the U.S.) may even have waiting periods and the like. Earlier you start earlier it's done.

  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    Could be post-natal depression combined with depression from infertility. Insist she sees a doctor - more for her own good than yours.

    Is the infertility truly hopeless or could IVF/donor sperm/donor eggs help? Of course, you'd need to fix her depression and your marriage issues first - don't bring a baby into a marriage where divorce is on the cards.

  • NoquarNoquar Registered User regular
    There is a lot to digest here, but I will give it a go. I will start out saying that my wife and I have never experienced the loss of a child - ours came from depression and infidelity, but we have been through the roommate phase and an in-house separation and we made it through.

    Bluntly - it was brutal. I have never felt so much pain. I have never been so lw. However - here is the deal - and an area in which I disagree with several of these posters - how much is this woman and your marriage worth to you? If deep within your heart and more importantly your mind you see the two of you old and rocking together, then you are going to be in pain while you slog through this. It may not work, but you will never be burdened with looking back and saying you didn't give it your absolute all. A few months, or even a couple years is not too long - in my opinion - for something you intend to last until the end. Marriage is work, hard work, and sometimes it can feel like it's all for nothing - hang in there.

    First things first - take care of yourself. Work out, connect with friends, de-stress, and for the love of God get counseling. While you're doing all of this - take care of her. Don't put aside your life to do it, but be loving about it. Little things - chores, meals - even if you don't eat together. Gestures that show you care, and that you are here. Don't push anything on her because it is not your job to change her. She is going to need to see for herself that you two are worth it and that you truly do want to be there for her, for yourself, and for the marriage. Part of this whole process entails not changing for her. The list of changes she presented is something you are going to tuck into your mind and never mention again. Your job is to decide if those desired changes are reasonable and legitimate or something put down to justify to herself how she is feeling about you. Discussions on that list will lead nowhere. If you feel an item is valid and you desire change - change it, but don't talk about it. The rest of the items are useless to you. If she brings it up - you deflect and move on.

    Back to counseling - get it. Don't overtly talk about it, but dropping hints that you feel it could help BOTH of you may lessen the impact and break down a wall. If you can swing both of you getting individual counseling from the same practice - fantastic. I caution against finding separate individual counselors in different practices. I encourage finding two therapists in the same practice and authorizing the two of them to speak to each other about your individual sessions. If there is a semblance of hope in you two that you will work out you don't want to become so focused on individual growth that you destroy the couple. I realize many may not agree with that - that's okay, it's my observation and opinion.

    It won't be a short process, it will be painful - as you can see now - and it may end up fruitless, but as I said - if she is truly worth it to you - she is in pain, and I encourage you to try.

  • spaboollyspaboolly Registered User regular
    I'm no expert by any means, but it seems to me that on some level she is probably blaming you for her pain. This not only prevents her from dealing with it in a healthy manner, whether that be talking to you or a therapist or whoever is needed to help, but if it is the case then it is only likely to get worse the more time goes by, as that initial raw pain is repressed and allowed to fester over time.

    I'm not advising you toward any particular course (I'm not remotely qualified to), but bear in mind that it is nearly impossible to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If you have made the attempts to get her into counseling, etc, and tried to be with her to help her grieve, then most likely you have done what little was in your power (short of something incredibly drastic like pursuing non-consenting psychiatric treatment) for her and your marriage. Like Noquar said, a marriage is hard work; but it needs hard work on both ends. If she is not the slightest bit willing to work with you, then it's unlikely that any effort you make will be enough to truly fix your relationship. Sustain the broken ghost of it, maybe. But not bring it back to a point where it is healthy for both of you.

    From my own unique perspective, I have seen the results of two people who had absolutely nothing resembling a healthy relationship stay married simply because she had no other means of living and he didn't want to lose assets in a divorce. This came about because of a problem opposite to yours: She was coerced into having a child and life that she did not want. Without getting into all the messy details, he has drank and drugged himself into the coma ward multiple times and she just kind of lingers in a constant web of depression, bipolar disorder, and gambling addiction. They are like empty shells where humanity should be. Any course you take at this point will be painful, but it's been my experience that when you can't heal and that pain becomes a permanent fixture in your life, all you want to do is throw that pain away by any means necessary. Even if it means throwing away your ability to feel anything else along with it.

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    Scribe. Purveyor of Logic. Player of Video Games.
  • KiasKias Registered User regular
    Some good advice from spaboolly there, so I just want to reiterate that you only get so many years in your life and spending them trying to prolong a single sided relationship is a waste of that time. If you think you would benefit from counseling for yourself, it can certainly be a positive force in your life, but it does not seem like it is going to have an impact on your relationship from the information you have given us.

    For now, move on from the "talking about" phase and in to the "this is what we are doing" phase. Waiting does not make this process, whether it is counseling or separation/divorce, any easier, and the only thing that will make that pain you are feeling go away is to see this through. If it is going to be couple's counseling, then get an appointment made. If that is not happening, speak to a lawyer and get the divorce process going as soon as possible.

    Just do not sit on it and hope it will fix itself. You may get some flak for this, especially considering that she is likely still traumatized (and whatever mental heath issues that may be causing), but remember this very important thing: you have the right to be happy. It is not wrong to want to live a happy life and some times, for reasons that are nobody's fault, things do not work out despite our best intentions.

    I know it probably sounds useless right now, but regardless of how old you are, where you are, or whatever, so long as you are moving forward, you will come out the other side and things will be better.

    steam_sig.png

  • mcdermottmcdermott Registered User regular
    It takes two to fix a relationship. If she isn't every bit as committed as you are to doing so, you'll fail. You can't do it unilaterally. That's all you need to remember.

    Nobody wants to throw away a marriage and wonder what could have been or what they could have done. But yes, your years on earth are limited so don't waste any more than necessary in a shitty marriage. By all means, take action to try and fix things. But understand you may fail, and be willing to walk.

  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    I typed you a long PM that the forum ate that said basically that.

    If you ever want to talk, PM me.

    Best of luck to you sir!

  • HedgethornHedgethorn Associate Professor of Historical Hobby Horses In the Lions' DenRegistered User regular
    My wife and I lost our first daughter under very similar circumstances after five years of marriage.

    It took us nearly two years to move past the point where we could just break down crying at nearly any moment.

    Even now, six years later, our relationship isn't the same as it was before then. I actually think our relationship is better in all sorts of ways, but there's no question that both of our personalities and character greatly changed after that.

    Your marriage needn't be over if you don't want it to be, but after eighteen months of relative separation, both of you will need to reinvest in the relationship to preserve it. First thing first, you need to see some kind of professional counselor yourself for all the reasons ceres mentioned above. At best, this will help to thaw the ice and she'll begin to see the value in seeking help as well. At worst, it'll help you work through any remaining grief of your own and help you stand beside her as best you can.

  • ThunderSaidThunderSaid Registered User regular
    The best advice I've ever heard for situations like yours is this: Say to your wife "I have made an appointment for couples' counciling next week. I think that we have a lot of issues that we need to deal with, and I don't know how we can deal with them on our own. I want you to come with me and work this out, but I will be going whether you go or not." Then go to the appointment. If she comes with you, then that's a good sign. If she doesn't, you will at least be able to talk to a professional about this in a setting where some actual progress can possibly be made.

    Good luck to you and your wife.

  • TaekoTaeko Miami, FLRegistered User regular
    edited April 2015
    This post has been removed.

    Taeko on
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    Taeko wrote: »
    If you abandon her after such a loss, she might never come back from that.

    If he does abandon her for acting grumpy and depressed after such a terrible experience, she might be better off without him...

    You know, most of these "my wife is like a roommate" complaints I have seen online are just a result of a gradual drifting apart. The spark dies over several years. There's no one reason for the problem, except that sometimes people drift apart.

    But this is different. EWom knows exactly why his wife is depressed, and it is a good reason, but yeah, he calls her "bitchy." That's very cruel. If his general attitude is "move on already, geez it was just a baby" then it is easy to see why she is having problems opening up to him.

    They really, really need counselling. They are just withdrawing from each other as a defense, making the hurt worse.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    See, that is what I thought, except this time he is hurt because she is asking to leave, and the loss was quite a while ago, much longer than the OP makes it sound like. I really think the answer right now is all of the counseling. For him, for her, for them. And he can't make her want to do it and he can't make her show up, in the end he can only go for himself and hope it inspires her to want to as well.

    I do agree that the namecalling attitude should be dropped, though. It's not really going to help you with any of this. No matter how this ends, you've both been through something pretty awful. Her inability to go back to the way things were doesn't make her awful, it just makes her a person who still has things to deal with and is having trouble getting started. She may be feeling like she needs a fresh start, though it's hard guess her thoughts.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    ceres wrote: »
    I do agree that the namecalling attitude should be dropped, though. It's not really going to help you with any of this. No matter how this ends, you've both been through something pretty awful. Her inability to go back to the way things were doesn't make her awful, it just makes her a person who still has things to deal with and is having trouble getting started. She may be feeling like she needs a fresh start, though it's hard guess her thoughts.

    He may be more upset over the baby than he really understands. They were ready to enter a new phase of their relationship, as a family, and then they are suddenly only the two of them again, permanently. They must be thinking, where do we go from here?

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    ceres wrote: »
    I do agree that the namecalling attitude should be dropped, though. It's not really going to help you with any of this. No matter how this ends, you've both been through something pretty awful. Her inability to go back to the way things were doesn't make her awful, it just makes her a person who still has things to deal with and is having trouble getting started. She may be feeling like she needs a fresh start, though it's hard guess her thoughts.

    He may be more upset over the baby than he really understands. They were ready to enter a new phase of their relationship, as a family, and then they are suddenly only the two of them again, permanently. They must be thinking, where do we go from here?

    This comment does not really jive with your last post.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited March 2014
    ceres wrote: »
    ceres wrote: »
    I do agree that the namecalling attitude should be dropped, though. It's not really going to help you with any of this. No matter how this ends, you've both been through something pretty awful. Her inability to go back to the way things were doesn't make her awful, it just makes her a person who still has things to deal with and is having trouble getting started. She may be feeling like she needs a fresh start, though it's hard guess her thoughts.

    He may be more upset over the baby than he really understands. They were ready to enter a new phase of their relationship, as a family, and then they are suddenly only the two of them again, permanently. They must be thinking, where do we go from here?

    This comment does not really jive with your last post.

    I was trying to respond to what you said. But I think I am not being helpful, so I will shut up now.

    I do wish the OP very well and I think that with counselling there is hope.

    CelestialBadger on
  • mcdermottmcdermott Registered User regular
    Taeko wrote: »
    This is a very sad situation. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

    My opinion is worth a grain of salt, but it strikes me that you both called your wife a bitch and said you are tired of trying. Marriage is through thick and thin. Or at least, it is supposed to be. You are both hurting, and many marriages end after trauma, but I can't help but hope that what is said at marriage ceremonies is true. That you are there for your partner through good times and bad.

    Obviously you need to do what is best for you, but please do not be so quick to end something you both committed to, which is loving and supporting each other through life. Life is damn hard and we need to stand by each other. Especially if we've explicitly vowed to do so through the act of marriage. I'm not religious or anything, I just really want people to follow through with their word.

    The advice that Ceres and ThunderSaid both ring true - she needs time and she needs to know you are pushing for healing. If you abandon her after such a loss, she might never come back from that.

    Not one single word of this (at least after the first line) matters if the other person has decided to cut you off, isn't committed to making it work, and wants out. Sure, two people stand and make those vows, but if one decides they're done with that, the other can't keep theirs. Or at the very least, they'll be loving, honoring, and cherishing somebody who's shacked up with somebody else after the divorce. Have fun with that.

    As somebody who experienced just how much it hurts to have the partner they vowed to commit their life to just cut them off and cut them out, to occupy a space with somebody you used to be intimate with (emotionally and physically) and who now barely seems to want you around...yeah. That hurts a lot. It might even make you call them a bitch (or an asshole, or the entirely gender-connotation-neutral name of your choice). Eighteen months after the trauma, it's time to either move on or at the least start taking steps to suggest you want to move on. Sounds like his partner is doing neither.


    This is advice that applies to all marriages, not just the OP. Nobody can make it work unilaterally, ever, period. If the other person isn't committed, it's done, no matter how bad you want it...all those romantic ideas of spending a life together and growing old together and keeping promises to each other get wadded up and thrown in the trash. Because, really, far too often they're youthful idealistic bullshit. Almost half of first marriages end in divorce, IIRC. A fair portion of those do so within ten years. That's just what it is. We want to pretend that ours is different, but you won't know until you either die or sign the divorce decree.

    And that's not even blaming her (or the other party in general). Sometimes a trauma occurs that you just can't get past. But if that leads to you cutting the other person off, you aren't actually honoring your vows anymore. You're just...riding it out. Whether or not it's your fault, you may be unable to make the marriage work. At which once again it's not in the other partner's power to force it. At best you can cohabitate uncomfortably for a few decades, and boy ain't that a romantic thought.

  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    mcdermott wrote: »
    Taeko wrote: »
    This is a very sad situation. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

    My opinion is worth a grain of salt, but it strikes me that you both called your wife a bitch and said you are tired of trying. Marriage is through thick and thin. Or at least, it is supposed to be. You are both hurting, and many marriages end after trauma, but I can't help but hope that what is said at marriage ceremonies is true. That you are there for your partner through good times and bad.

    Obviously you need to do what is best for you, but please do not be so quick to end something you both committed to, which is loving and supporting each other through life. Life is damn hard and we need to stand by each other. Especially if we've explicitly vowed to do so through the act of marriage. I'm not religious or anything, I just really want people to follow through with their word.

    The advice that Ceres and ThunderSaid both ring true - she needs time and she needs to know you are pushing for healing. If you abandon her after such a loss, she might never come back from that.

    Not one single word of this (at least after the first line) matters if the other person has decided to cut you off, isn't committed to making it work, and wants out. Sure, two people stand and make those vows, but if one decides they're done with that, the other can't keep theirs. Or at the very least, they'll be loving, honoring, and cherishing somebody who's shacked up with somebody else after the divorce. Have fun with that.

    As somebody who experienced just how much it hurts to have the partner they vowed to commit their life to just cut them off and cut them out, to occupy a space with somebody you used to be intimate with (emotionally and physically) and who now barely seems to want you around...yeah. That hurts a lot. It might even make you call them a bitch (or an asshole, or the entirely gender-connotation-neutral name of your choice). Eighteen months after the trauma, it's time to either move on or at the least start taking steps to suggest you want to move on. Sounds like his partner is doing neither.


    This is advice that applies to all marriages, not just the OP. Nobody can make it work unilaterally, ever, period. If the other person isn't committed, it's done, no matter how bad you want it...all those romantic ideas of spending a life together and growing old together and keeping promises to each other get wadded up and thrown in the trash. Because, really, far too often they're youthful idealistic bullshit. Almost half of first marriages end in divorce, IIRC. A fair portion of those do so within ten years. That's just what it is. We want to pretend that ours is different, but you won't know until you either die or sign the divorce decree.

    And that's not even blaming her (or the other party in general). Sometimes a trauma occurs that you just can't get past. But if that leads to you cutting the other person off, you aren't actually honoring your vows anymore. You're just...riding it out. Whether or not it's your fault, you may be unable to make the marriage work. At which once again it's not in the other partner's power to force it. At best you can cohabitate uncomfortably for a few decades, and boy ain't that a romantic thought.

    this is very very true

  • MulletudeMulletude Registered User regular
    There is no timetable for grief. Anyone suggesting it's time for the wife to move on...well...sure it seems like it's been a long time. But she will need as much time as it takes.

    I have no advice regarding the marriage itself other than I really hope you guys can get into counseling and find a way to make it work. Good luck OP.

    XBL-Dug Danger WiiU-DugDanger Steam-http://steamcommunity.com/id/DugDanger/
  • EWomEWom Registered User regular
    Thanks to the responses from most of you. I've begun research into couples/marriage counseling in my area, as she's said she'd be willing to give it a shot. However I think that whatever we do is going to need to be put on hold, as we were awoken at 4am this morning, and her mother is in a coma, with a DNR in place. So I'll not be pushing anything right now, and just try and do whatever I can for her.

    Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
  • John MatrixJohn Matrix Registered User regular
    Close friends of ours had a similar situation.

    This sounds like untreated depression. Couples counseling would be good, but I think the priority here should be treatment for her first.

    The mom thing could really push things toward a bad place. Counseling, should her mom pass, would be a great idea that would open the door to diagnosis and treatment of any mental problems she may be having.

    Patience, empathy, and good luck to you both.

  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    Yeah. If her mom is in bad shape, even more than ever you should look into counseling. Maybe not couple's counseling, maybe you ease into it by each of you going into individual counseling for a bit. This will probably improve your lives AND give you a natural segue when it's time to try couples counseling.

    What is this I don't even.
  • poshnialloposhniallo Registered User regular
    I was really surprised on looking at this thread to understand exactly how you feel. Although the reasons are completely different, I am in the exact same situation, but this is basically due to my wife's mental health issues. She has some combination of social anxiety disorder, depression, and post-natal depression, which has lasted for about 5 years now. For the last two years or so, she's been receiving treatment for it, and things are a lot better, but still far from OK.

    The main reason I mention it is because this comes out of a mental health issue triggered by some very difficult events in my wife's life. And I am not sure it's right to think of your wife's problems as simply a result of the terrible grief she (and you) must be going through. There are healthy paths through grief, and unhealthy ones. And it's not uncommon for an aspect of someone's personality to become a full-blown mental illness after a traumatic event like that.

    So I totally agree with the people who are recommending couples counselling, and I further suggest you consider whether she may have issues separate from the problems between you.

    Imagine how your wife would function without you around. Does she seem functional and well (I'll not say happy - she has a huge reason to feel very sad) in situations that don't involve you? My guess is she does not, and so the primary reason for the problems is not you yourself, even if that's what she believes.

    I am not in any way blaming her for any of this - just trying to say that if you can both see counsellors, you should talk eventually about the possibility that she is not well - above and beyond the trauma of your loss.

    ...and I hope I'm not giving you bad advice by seeing your problems through the lens of my own.

    I figure I could take a bear.
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