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Traded my wife for a roommate... not sure what to do now.
EWom
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello. I've been married for 5 years. At the end of year four, we had a daughter, who did not survive a premature childbirth, due to many complications. Lots of tests from different specialists have determined that, we can expect almost the exact same thing to happen anytime we try and have a child, even with the best medicine & are we could get, we are looking at a less than a 1% chance of carrying a child to term, and about a 10% chance of carrying a child to a "survivable" premature term.
Now I have no idea what is going on with my wife, but she has changed. There is no affection, very little emotion, absolutely no sex, we sleep separately, and are essentially roommates who share bills, and sometimes if I'm lucky a meal.
I have tried talking to her, many times. I have asked what I can do, she says I have changed, and am not the husband I once was, and she is "just not feeling it"; I feel as though I have made the requested changes of me, and am still met with a cold, distant, roommate. Rather than an affectionate partner.
I have suggested couples counseling as well as personal counseling on a few occasions, and met with a few different responses varying from aloof not interested, to angry that I would suggest such a thing. Although now, sometimes, she is somewhat receptive to couples counseling, sort of.
She goes through some rather crazy mood swings lately, from a personable person, who is somewhat chatty; like a friend or acquaintance would be, to, to put it bluntly, a bitch.
I am at the end of patience, I have put in everything I can to try and salvage this marriage to the woman I truly love; but can no longer be in a relationship like this; and I guess I just don't know what to do, or who to talk to. I am going to try counseling (if she is still up for it), but I really feel like the end is coming; and I am very sad.
I have never felt an emotional pain like this before; and I am having a hard time dealing with it.
Any advice, on anything in this post is appreciated, because I am just lost, and hurting.
Now I have no idea what is going on with my wife, but she has changed. There is no affection, very little emotion, absolutely no sex, we sleep separately, and are essentially roommates who share bills, and sometimes if I'm lucky a meal.
I have tried talking to her, many times. I have asked what I can do, she says I have changed, and am not the husband I once was, and she is "just not feeling it"; I feel as though I have made the requested changes of me, and am still met with a cold, distant, roommate. Rather than an affectionate partner.
I have suggested couples counseling as well as personal counseling on a few occasions, and met with a few different responses varying from aloof not interested, to angry that I would suggest such a thing. Although now, sometimes, she is somewhat receptive to couples counseling, sort of.
She goes through some rather crazy mood swings lately, from a personable person, who is somewhat chatty; like a friend or acquaintance would be, to, to put it bluntly, a bitch.
I am at the end of patience, I have put in everything I can to try and salvage this marriage to the woman I truly love; but can no longer be in a relationship like this; and I guess I just don't know what to do, or who to talk to. I am going to try counseling (if she is still up for it), but I really feel like the end is coming; and I am very sad.
I have never felt an emotional pain like this before; and I am having a hard time dealing with it.
Any advice, on anything in this post is appreciated, because I am just lost, and hurting.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
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I don't know how you handled all that information, and you should almost certainly look into personal grief counseling for each of you if you haven't. On her end though... her baby died, and it was NOT very long ago, and then testing told her that something about her body is likely the enemy here. Hell, I'd say even if it was a year ago, or maybe two, that's not very long to process all of the loss she is probably experiencing. She is in mourning for her child, and also for the life she'd envisioned for herself. This is a BIG DEAL. Like, as a woman who has lost a baby in the past and has also had a baby within the last year, I don't know how to impart to you how awful all of that is, or what it would have done to me. I don't know how to explain to you how what you are describing would have crushed my soul, and then to be told I can never? Whether or not you have changed, and even if you haven't, I can guarantee you she has, and you are talking about something that happened a very short time ago. Of course you haven't had sex. Her body and emotions will be recovering from this for a long time. Of course she isn't exactly who she was... she lost her baby, your baby, and she can never give either of you another one. This was a very recent tragedy, the scope of which I'm guessing you don't really grasp here even if you are hurting.
Has she talked about other options yet, and if they're feasible? Surrogacy, IVF, adoption? Can either of you (or are you ready to) embrace those options with the open arms that you had for the child you just lost? Have you discussed all of this between you? You are both still deep in the grief process, and now you are talking about leaving her because she isn't coping perfectly with all of this. I kind of want to shake you and ask what's wrong with you, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are either still going through your own process or so insensitive that you just can't see what you are asking of her and need a little help with that. Your expectations of her and what she should be feeling are so unreasonable it's difficult for me to understand how you could have the nerve to post all of this if you really understood what you are saying here, or if your first statement wasn't a typo and you actually meant the end of year 2.
I think you should get personal counseling for yourself, whatever she thinks of it for herself or for you as a couple. It will 1) help get the ball rolling on the issue of counseling and maybe it will seem less [whatever] to her if you are experiencing it, 2) help you cope with your own loss if you haven't, 3) help you pin down how you really feel about her with all this new information, and 4) hopefully help you process and understand what she is experiencing, even if she maybe isn't ready to talk about it herself. Has she been back to her doctor frequently to monitor her hormones and make sure you are both giving her body the best care possible? It took my hormones ages to go back to normal after my own loss, and I hadn't really even been pregnant for very long. If you are not actually ready to throw in the towel after this laughably short period of time you need to make sure you get through your own process and learn to understand and respect hers. I am sure you are hurting after the loss of your baby and perceived loss of your wife, but this all happened within her own body and that needs acknowledgement.
But with no communication coming from her, and basically limited contact on a personal level, as well as wishy/washy reactions to my attempts to try and get things going(as far as counseling is concerned), I am tired of trying.
Perhaps I have not given her enough time, it's been approximately 1 1/2 years since the loss of our child. I am not begging for sex, I simply pointed out that as a fact of our relationship, but is it so selfish of me, to want her to take my arm and allow me to walk her into the restaurant on the rare occasion we go out?
Either way, get some counseling for yourself. It is really the best thing you can do for yourself after everything that's happened. Maybe she'll follow suit in the end or maybe she won't (though I hope she does), but either way it's worth doing just for you.
But if she really doesn't want to do it, don't force the issue.
Is the infertility truly hopeless or could IVF/donor sperm/donor eggs help? Of course, you'd need to fix her depression and your marriage issues first - don't bring a baby into a marriage where divorce is on the cards.
Bluntly - it was brutal. I have never felt so much pain. I have never been so lw. However - here is the deal - and an area in which I disagree with several of these posters - how much is this woman and your marriage worth to you? If deep within your heart and more importantly your mind you see the two of you old and rocking together, then you are going to be in pain while you slog through this. It may not work, but you will never be burdened with looking back and saying you didn't give it your absolute all. A few months, or even a couple years is not too long - in my opinion - for something you intend to last until the end. Marriage is work, hard work, and sometimes it can feel like it's all for nothing - hang in there.
First things first - take care of yourself. Work out, connect with friends, de-stress, and for the love of God get counseling. While you're doing all of this - take care of her. Don't put aside your life to do it, but be loving about it. Little things - chores, meals - even if you don't eat together. Gestures that show you care, and that you are here. Don't push anything on her because it is not your job to change her. She is going to need to see for herself that you two are worth it and that you truly do want to be there for her, for yourself, and for the marriage. Part of this whole process entails not changing for her. The list of changes she presented is something you are going to tuck into your mind and never mention again. Your job is to decide if those desired changes are reasonable and legitimate or something put down to justify to herself how she is feeling about you. Discussions on that list will lead nowhere. If you feel an item is valid and you desire change - change it, but don't talk about it. The rest of the items are useless to you. If she brings it up - you deflect and move on.
Back to counseling - get it. Don't overtly talk about it, but dropping hints that you feel it could help BOTH of you may lessen the impact and break down a wall. If you can swing both of you getting individual counseling from the same practice - fantastic. I caution against finding separate individual counselors in different practices. I encourage finding two therapists in the same practice and authorizing the two of them to speak to each other about your individual sessions. If there is a semblance of hope in you two that you will work out you don't want to become so focused on individual growth that you destroy the couple. I realize many may not agree with that - that's okay, it's my observation and opinion.
It won't be a short process, it will be painful - as you can see now - and it may end up fruitless, but as I said - if she is truly worth it to you - she is in pain, and I encourage you to try.
I'm not advising you toward any particular course (I'm not remotely qualified to), but bear in mind that it is nearly impossible to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If you have made the attempts to get her into counseling, etc, and tried to be with her to help her grieve, then most likely you have done what little was in your power (short of something incredibly drastic like pursuing non-consenting psychiatric treatment) for her and your marriage. Like Noquar said, a marriage is hard work; but it needs hard work on both ends. If she is not the slightest bit willing to work with you, then it's unlikely that any effort you make will be enough to truly fix your relationship. Sustain the broken ghost of it, maybe. But not bring it back to a point where it is healthy for both of you.
From my own unique perspective, I have seen the results of two people who had absolutely nothing resembling a healthy relationship stay married simply because she had no other means of living and he didn't want to lose assets in a divorce. This came about because of a problem opposite to yours: She was coerced into having a child and life that she did not want. Without getting into all the messy details, he has drank and drugged himself into the coma ward multiple times and she just kind of lingers in a constant web of depression, bipolar disorder, and gambling addiction. They are like empty shells where humanity should be. Any course you take at this point will be painful, but it's been my experience that when you can't heal and that pain becomes a permanent fixture in your life, all you want to do is throw that pain away by any means necessary. Even if it means throwing away your ability to feel anything else along with it.
Scribe. Purveyor of Logic. Player of Video Games.
For now, move on from the "talking about" phase and in to the "this is what we are doing" phase. Waiting does not make this process, whether it is counseling or separation/divorce, any easier, and the only thing that will make that pain you are feeling go away is to see this through. If it is going to be couple's counseling, then get an appointment made. If that is not happening, speak to a lawyer and get the divorce process going as soon as possible.
Just do not sit on it and hope it will fix itself. You may get some flak for this, especially considering that she is likely still traumatized (and whatever mental heath issues that may be causing), but remember this very important thing: you have the right to be happy. It is not wrong to want to live a happy life and some times, for reasons that are nobody's fault, things do not work out despite our best intentions.
I know it probably sounds useless right now, but regardless of how old you are, where you are, or whatever, so long as you are moving forward, you will come out the other side and things will be better.
If you ever want to talk, PM me.
Best of luck to you sir!
It took us nearly two years to move past the point where we could just break down crying at nearly any moment.
Even now, six years later, our relationship isn't the same as it was before then. I actually think our relationship is better in all sorts of ways, but there's no question that both of our personalities and character greatly changed after that.
Your marriage needn't be over if you don't want it to be, but after eighteen months of relative separation, both of you will need to reinvest in the relationship to preserve it. First thing first, you need to see some kind of professional counselor yourself for all the reasons ceres mentioned above. At best, this will help to thaw the ice and she'll begin to see the value in seeking help as well. At worst, it'll help you work through any remaining grief of your own and help you stand beside her as best you can.
Good luck to you and your wife.
If he does abandon her for acting grumpy and depressed after such a terrible experience, she might be better off without him...
You know, most of these "my wife is like a roommate" complaints I have seen online are just a result of a gradual drifting apart. The spark dies over several years. There's no one reason for the problem, except that sometimes people drift apart.
But this is different. EWom knows exactly why his wife is depressed, and it is a good reason, but yeah, he calls her "bitchy." That's very cruel. If his general attitude is "move on already, geez it was just a baby" then it is easy to see why she is having problems opening up to him.
They really, really need counselling. They are just withdrawing from each other as a defense, making the hurt worse.
I do agree that the namecalling attitude should be dropped, though. It's not really going to help you with any of this. No matter how this ends, you've both been through something pretty awful. Her inability to go back to the way things were doesn't make her awful, it just makes her a person who still has things to deal with and is having trouble getting started. She may be feeling like she needs a fresh start, though it's hard guess her thoughts.
He may be more upset over the baby than he really understands. They were ready to enter a new phase of their relationship, as a family, and then they are suddenly only the two of them again, permanently. They must be thinking, where do we go from here?
This comment does not really jive with your last post.
I was trying to respond to what you said. But I think I am not being helpful, so I will shut up now.
I do wish the OP very well and I think that with counselling there is hope.
this is very very true
I have no advice regarding the marriage itself other than I really hope you guys can get into counseling and find a way to make it work. Good luck OP.
This sounds like untreated depression. Couples counseling would be good, but I think the priority here should be treatment for her first.
The mom thing could really push things toward a bad place. Counseling, should her mom pass, would be a great idea that would open the door to diagnosis and treatment of any mental problems she may be having.
Patience, empathy, and good luck to you both.
The main reason I mention it is because this comes out of a mental health issue triggered by some very difficult events in my wife's life. And I am not sure it's right to think of your wife's problems as simply a result of the terrible grief she (and you) must be going through. There are healthy paths through grief, and unhealthy ones. And it's not uncommon for an aspect of someone's personality to become a full-blown mental illness after a traumatic event like that.
So I totally agree with the people who are recommending couples counselling, and I further suggest you consider whether she may have issues separate from the problems between you.
Imagine how your wife would function without you around. Does she seem functional and well (I'll not say happy - she has a huge reason to feel very sad) in situations that don't involve you? My guess is she does not, and so the primary reason for the problems is not you yourself, even if that's what she believes.
I am not in any way blaming her for any of this - just trying to say that if you can both see counsellors, you should talk eventually about the possibility that she is not well - above and beyond the trauma of your loss.
...and I hope I'm not giving you bad advice by seeing your problems through the lens of my own.