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Approaching girls
tuscloud311
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Aight well, being how im 21 now, i can actually have a social life again.
btw, hi to all my hateful fans out there.
anyway, so i was told to use my older brother as my "wingman" when going out to meeting girls. How does one initiate the "scene" to bring up conversation? What are signs to look for for the girls who are...available?
My sister (egh) told me to look for the girls who are at a table with their friends, and who are looking around the room from time to time. She said that the girls who are just focusing on her friends are in a relationship. Is that true? Or is that just speculation?
Normally im pretty shy. once i get to know (but not too much for it to be awkward), i can clearly open up and be the guy everyone is laughing with and talking about at the end of the night. Im that guy.
Like i said, being 21 opens up a whole new world, and especially the dating scene. so, its new to me and kind of anxious to see how things go now that im "legal".
/sigh... dont flame me anymore please. my emotional stability can only take so much of a beating. lol.
btw, hi to all my hateful fans out there.
anyway, so i was told to use my older brother as my "wingman" when going out to meeting girls. How does one initiate the "scene" to bring up conversation? What are signs to look for for the girls who are...available?
My sister (egh) told me to look for the girls who are at a table with their friends, and who are looking around the room from time to time. She said that the girls who are just focusing on her friends are in a relationship. Is that true? Or is that just speculation?
Normally im pretty shy. once i get to know (but not too much for it to be awkward), i can clearly open up and be the guy everyone is laughing with and talking about at the end of the night. Im that guy.
Like i said, being 21 opens up a whole new world, and especially the dating scene. so, its new to me and kind of anxious to see how things go now that im "legal".
/sigh... dont flame me anymore please. my emotional stability can only take so much of a beating. lol.
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And because most girls have been approached in bars for years and years, it's important to be original. Be a fun guy, have a smile. And be original.
And on a side note, you only got flamed because you came in regularly, asked for advice, and then spent the entire time arguing against or ignoring the advice, making fantastically ill-advised decisions all the while.
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Don't know about the 'girl looking at her friends' that your sis mentioned, interesting...
Also: what's the problem with approaching a girl if you find out later she has a boyfriend? It's good practice. :P
at any rate. i agree about the dont assume 1 social situation fits all. ive never had my life like that. im not textbook when it comes to relationships (can we get a "lol" on that one?).
I dunno, i always thought that having a wingman was like saying "i like you, i want to talk to you, and converse, but i dont have the balls to do it alone"
then again, i always thought walking up to a girl in a bar and saying "hi" etc. was kind of weird. ive always based relationships off of unique situations that arose. IE friends first, or like doc was saying.
maybe i need to change my entire outlook on it or something, i dunno heh....im just blah right now.
Don't go out to 'pick up' available girls. Go out to meet new people, guys and girls.
As far as approaching women, you should really only focus on situations that you're comfortable in. Trying to chat up a girl at a club when you hate the club, hate the music, and hate the drink is a recipe for disappointment. Reading someone's profile on an internet site and arranging to meet over lunch is very passive and takes longer, but if you're more into that type of situation you'll be much happier with the results.
Some people LOVE to be out among a lot of people and chat up a lot of different people in any given night, to see about new friends or new relationships. Others despise being surrounded by so many strangers.
Think of it this way -- where you meet someone is going to likely be a recurring theme. As in, if you never go to clubs but pick up a girl who does go to clubs, there's no reason she's going to suddenly stop enjoying clubs. That's why you always hear stories about people meeting in like libraries or grocery stores or whatever -- they already start with some common bond. As in, people who meet in libraries can talk about the books they're reading, and people who meet in grocery stores can talk about foods they like or are cooking.
But yeah, meeting people "blind" can be hard, especially if you're shy.
Seriously, don't focus on getting a new girlfriend, don't focus on getting laid, just focus on meeting new people and living life and becoming happy and satisfied with who you are because no girl, no matter how beautiful or intelligent or perfect will ever make you happy with who you are. And you need that to live a good life.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Get used to talking to random people, go say 'hi' to like 5-10 people in an hour or something. Just get used to talking to strangers, and be comfortable with yourself. Then slowly you can get out of the "I feel weird talking to random people" phase.
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I agree completely. I'm a huge video game nerd, and I met my current gf staying up all night playing super nintendo with friends. It's worked out so well because I was in my element when I met her.
While I probably could pick up a girl at a bar if I wanted to, I would be faking interest in anything but drinking beer.
well, also...about being in "your element", there is a problem with that. my 21st b-day was nothing. im not a drinker. so going to a bar to meet girls isnt my "element", but at the same time....not everyone goes to a bar to drink. i get that much too.
i guess, what i mean is that i dont normally get out. im more of a "lets stay in and cuddle while watching a movie" guy, rather than "lets go out and get plastered with 10 friends". So going to a bar, where people typically go there to drink, isnt so much of my element.
its difficult to find someone you have a lot in common with, if you meet them in a place where you werent "meant to be in" so to speak.
fuck, typing this out is weird....i want like diagrams and pictures...someone put a picture in this thread to calm the nerves. ha...
You are going about it all wrong and you are more than likely just going to end up with another crappy girlfriend by just looking at girls pointing at one and then approaching her. Make friends and get to know people, thats how you make a connection. Sure, you can totally randomly run into someone and hit it off just fine, might even be the one for you... but more then likely, not knowing that persons personality, its not going to work out. Expand your friend network first, then a good relationship will come to you when you aren't looking for it. This is my advice.
Be yourself.
Women can easily spot a fake. Relax, have fun and most of the time good things will happen without you even trying. Look to friends to help you out. Don't be demeaning to women or any of that "macho" crap. Be a gentlemen, respect their wishes and go from there.
The online realm of dating is certainly one I am familar with. It is a different bird then just going to meet someone at the bar. People are more apprehensive because they are worried you are a rapist. Certainly if you wish to know more about this, I can give you some tips and ideas. Otherwise, just have fun with it. Women like confidence. Don't hide, but don't be too forward or arrogant.
Yea, that's not even almost correct.
I think letting go of that "I might embarrass myself" and "that hot girl will never want to talk to me!" attitude out of your head you'll be fine. Just walk up and talk to anyone/everyone. The more you do it, the easier it will be.
Wingmen help take the pressure off of you, but if ya bud is talking to a girl already what are you going to do? Gotta be able to maintain yourself too. It's scary at first I guess, but you get use to it once you learn to stop caring about making a fool of yourself.
Staying in and cuddling is nice, but you're going to have a hard time finding a girl if that's all you like to do. For some reason, girls are probably not hanging out in your living room. Get some outside hobbies or something. Taking a class in something (anything!) is usually a pretty good way to meet people, and it's so, so easy to ask someone if they want to grab a bite to eat after class. Most girls are attracted to guys that actually have a life and interests that take them outside their apartments once in awhile. Maybe get involved in your local music scene? My guy loves taking me to shows, and I absolutely love it that we can go on little adventures and he can talk to me about things he's passionate about.
Yeah, this is pretty much all there is to it.
What it sounds like you need isn't a girlfriend. You sound like you need a life. Cuddling and watching movies is fun, but it's not really a social venue or a skill or an interest, it's something you do once in awhile with a girlfriend when you either don't have anything else to do or just want some peace time together. Forget the cuddling for a bit, you'll get your chance again someday, after you've lived a social life again.
Get your brother or your sister to start introducing you to their friends, go out, and just converse. Over pizza, at an arcade. Start hanging out with people. Conversations have a tendancy to snowball, so if you start with something little, simple, relatable, it can eventually lead to stimulating conversations. Find ways to relate to the conversation, even if you know nothing about it. If the person is talking about fencing, and you don't fence, pay attention and ask questions, show you're actually genuinely interested.
And I'm not talking about girls, but everybody. Eventually you'll become comfortable enough in social situations to view girls as people instead of potential mates or cuddle-buddies or whatever.
Just give it time. You're not going to happy if you pick up a girlfriend just for the sake of having one. My roommate is like that and he hasn't had a satisfying relationship in years.
Oh, also, shave, wear clean clothes and, if you're overweight, excersize some. Evenutally you may find a girl you've got a mad crush on, and when you do, you want to make it clear that you can at least commit to keeping yourself from looking like a slob. That and girls like smooth, kissable faces, hip-dips, and sexy necklines.
Just focus on having a good time. Go places you like and feel comfortable in.
Find me one that isn't, and I'll concede defeat.
Hi! I've got my own money, and sure as shit don't care about yours. Jackass. You've already been infrated twice over this, I'd suggest you give it the fuck up.
I dunno, maybe they were just saying that because i can actually stay at places past 10:00 pm now that im 21, but it just adds pressure. Its like, yeah, in a way theyre right, but then you guys are also right.
Ive always been a fan of the "dont SEARCH for a girlfriend, let it just happen" advice. i give it all the time. But i guess i made this thread because people were like "you need to rebound" kind of thing. meh. people just tend to mess with other people's minds more than help out.
Not saying you guys didnt/arent helping, but you guys are just saying the stuff that i had planned out in my head, before OTHER people jumped in to switch it all around.
you can lock it if you want, or keep the thread going for other curious minds who wish to read on. as for me, ill just keep doing the shit i normally do, and hang out with my brother and circle of friends and just...let shit happen.
Thats basically the mindset I'm stuck in right now. I got out of a three year relationship about 4 months ago. I don't want a "relationship" but at the same time I'm in the biggest sexual drought I've seen in years.
Combine that with the fact that any skills I had at picking up women evaporated over my three year relationship.
Lame.
Anyway, on a related note regarding your OP, you're thinking way too hard about this. First of all, right off the bat you imply that the only way to have a social life is to be able to drink in bars, and that the only way to meet girls is to approach them at bars. You're just asking for trouble here. Generally speaking girls don't go to bars to find Mr. Right, and vice versa. What you should be focusing on right now is just being socially active. Just go out there and make connections with people and meeting girls will happen naturally. Believe it or not, they're all over the place, not just sitting around in bars hoping to be hit on.
Your sister is only half correct. Barring some extreme exceptions, pretty much every girl at any given time is observing the room. I know this is going to make you very self-conscious, but you are being watched. It may seem like those girls over at that table are talking among themselves, but they are barely hearing each others' words. You come into the bar with your posture erect and a huge smile on your face, they notice. You go talk to a girl and you're making her laugh, other girls notice. You're friendly with everyone, they notice. In my experience girls unlike guys have a very strong situational awareness during nightlife.
I think this is the primary thing you have to change about your perspective. The thing is, being 21 will not suddenly make it so that you have a higher chance of finding a girl. What were you doing when you were under 21? There are all kinds of awesome activities/hobbies you could have picked up (and still can) that are great for meeting girls. Basically you need to look for three things:
- a sense of community. it is easier to talk to girls if you're in the same club or team, for example, or if you're taking a class together.
- things that last for a while. a class that gets together once is not the same as a class that goes on for three months. it's easier to talk to girls if they recognize you from the previous class, for example.
- things in which interaction and conversation are required. dancing is a good example. or drama (improv is great).
Bars and clubs are hardly the only places to meet girls. And what I am saying is that the rest have been available to you before you hit 21, but it is not too late.
No no no no... you got it all wrong. Completely wrong.
The job of the wingman is to raise your value in the eyes of the girl. Laughing at your jokes, always agreeing with you, dropping in subtle hints about what an awesome guy you are, etc. Also, wingmen are good for keeping your target's friend(s) busy. This is important because as a guy you can only keep your attention on one girl at a time, and if her friends get bored, they are going to get restless (not to mention jealous because she is getting all the attention) and drag her away.
Finally, I should mention that you never, ever approach a girl or a group of girls with your wingman. One of you goes in first and initiates the conversation, and a few minutes later the other guy joins in and the first guy introduces him to the group.
On the contrary, it is weird if you don't say anything. Think about it: why do people go to bars? Answer: to be social. I mean, it is certainly not for the booze; they can drink by themselves at home. It's not for the music either. Rather, they go to bars to meet other people, or at the very least to open themselves to the possibility of meeting other people.
So when you go to a girl and say hi, you're not being weird. You're being social, and you're being normal.
That's the basis for this entire movie.
good movie.
For you though, I'd say a bit of time alone would be cool, too.
I know whenever I see a lone guy moving around a bar or club and just randomly talking to girls until they get rejected always rubs me the wrong way.
But also get used to being rejected. Take chances. The girl you choose to talk to may be unavailable, but don't let that crush your confidence. Just take it in stride
Volunteering, joining sports and other organizations is a great way to start meeting people (which could lead to a potential relationship). If you join a social club's sports team as a single (as in, you register alone and get put on a team full of people like that) you're bound to meet some great people and make some relationships that may lead to dating. Obviously, join a coed team! Volunteering is a good way to meet good people. Bars and clubs are kind of hit or miss in term of personalities, whereas volunteering you're pretty much guaranteed to meet someone that isn't bad for you. Unless you hate super-happy, super-helpful people...
From that point on, it's just a matter of being groomed and interesting, and also not giving a fuck, or being needy.