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Marital Evaluation
jdublin
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Does anyone have good (ideally free, or low cost) marriage resources?
I'm very analysis driven, and do not deal with conflict well when I am emotionally involved. I need a good framework to evaluate my marriage, showing the positives and negatives, and to detail my issues so that I can try and productively work through them with my SO. Our relationship is severely unbalanced, which is a great deal my own fault, b/c again I like to avoid conflict, and am pretty easygoing. So instead of compromising, I typically concede. (Bad idea, I know)
Concessions are bad at the movie theater, and in your relationships. Sure, it solves the problem short term, but you end up paying way too much for them, and end up resenting it.
I need to learn to compromise, (and am willing to) but it's a big list of things that are causing issues, and I need a road map or some way to keep things focused, and not just go in increasingly louder circles.
Lots more I could add, but trying to focus on the big picture, and be productive, versus whiny.
I'm very analysis driven, and do not deal with conflict well when I am emotionally involved. I need a good framework to evaluate my marriage, showing the positives and negatives, and to detail my issues so that I can try and productively work through them with my SO. Our relationship is severely unbalanced, which is a great deal my own fault, b/c again I like to avoid conflict, and am pretty easygoing. So instead of compromising, I typically concede. (Bad idea, I know)
Concessions are bad at the movie theater, and in your relationships. Sure, it solves the problem short term, but you end up paying way too much for them, and end up resenting it.
I need to learn to compromise, (and am willing to) but it's a big list of things that are causing issues, and I need a road map or some way to keep things focused, and not just go in increasingly louder circles.
Lots more I could add, but trying to focus on the big picture, and be productive, versus whiny.
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I can't really tell what you're looking for. Are you concerned that your marriage is in trouble, or are you just concerned that you don't "win" any arguments?
Do you have any friends that are at least passably familiar with your marriage?
I'd ask them what they think before looking for some magical solution to whatever your relationship issues are.
-Indiana Solo, runner of blades
There are a ton of issues in our marriage right now. I want to try and work things out for a more fair and balanced relationship.
The friends don't get to come over to the house, because that would ruin her image.
As much as I hate the idea of it, I am at the point for my health and sanity where I am going to deal with things like a business.
SMART is a four letter word to a lot of business people, but I need some sort of accountability and plan for our lives. I can't function in the anarchy and chaos that is our household at the moment.
I keep deleting a lot of what is going on, because I am trying not to just complain. I'm looking for some way to improve my communication style, or get counseling. I'll be the first to admit, I am a silly goose at times. In no way is it all my SO's fault.
Basically, our relationship would be an award winning episode of Hoarders crossed with Wife Swap. Throw in waaaaay too much of Jon & Kate +8. I haven't done the stuff Jon did with cheating, or divorce or anything like that. But the Kate to Jon dynamic is pretty dead on.
tldr; If there's not a good workbook/Marriage Contract/Business plan, what should I look for in a counselor?
Also, you're not going to find the answer to your marriage in a book. I get the sense that this is the working/professional dynamic you exist in.
1. Here is a problem
2. Here is a book that has the exact answer you need
3. Problem solved!
Real life and people's emotions don't work that way I'm afraid.
I think you need to see a counselor, with or without your wife. They will most likely be able to help your communication skills better than a workbook or whatever. I don't know what to recommend in a counselor, and I don't know if they are listed on things like Angie's List or not.
-Indiana Solo, runner of blades
I am someone who basically doesn't have people over ever. I don't really have an image to maintain, but having people in my home is a huge invasion of personal space for me and I have to be pretty enamored with a person to let them into that bubble. Someone who would insist that their friends come over despite that would simply not be compatible with me. I don't mind if my husband goes to see his friends at all, but I don't want them (or my friends either for that matter) where I live. I don't know if there's any of that at play here or if she just doesn't want people to see a mess, but if it's a personal space issue it's probably pretty deep and that's not something that's likely to go away with a little counseling. I definitely think you should both GO to counseling if you care to fix it, but you probably aren't looking at a quick couple sessions.
Is it an issue of you not being able to entertain when you want to, or are you just not supposed to see them at all? I would say the latter is a much bigger problem than the former. I have been in that relationship. It is bad.
You should look for a counselor who is able to facilitate communication between you two without taking a side, and someone who is able to set goals that are reasonable and approachable for both of you. Almost as important as the counselor though is how you walk into your first session. You don't want to go in with any big expectations or a specific time frame by the end of which X problems will be fixed, but you do want to make sure that you have your issues prioritized. Make sure you have the various dealbreakers in mind when you go in. Don't nitpick about the little things straight away. You keep saying that you know you're the problem sometimes, and that's probably true to an extent because it takes two, but don't be surprised if she views your behaviors a little differently from you. The problems in her mind may be more or less or different from what you think.
If you feel like you could use some counseling on your own anyway, you should do that regardless of whether or not the marriage counseling pans out.
If you want to vent you can always PM me, if you don't feel like you want to get into it more publicly but you still want to talk about it.
When I am asking for a framework, or a workbook, I guess what I am really asking for is some sort of resource that will allow me to put things into a workable data set. I am positive counseling is going to be required. What I would like is to be able to do some pre work to try and at least have a focus on what the problems really are.
To put it into a metaphor, if you know you have a project, it's better to have everything together ready to go before you start, vs. starting, realizing you are missing crucial part A, having to stop, put everything up, go to the store, get part A, return, pull everything back out, start back over, oh wait, day's over, put everything back up, oh, it's raining today, we'll work on it next week, and then realize next weekend you lost the plans, and just give up.
I'd also like for at least me, (but ideally both of us) to be able to think things through a bit, and have my big issues and deal breakers outlined and prioritized calmly with some serious reflection before hand.
No plan survives first contact and all of that, but having some sort of plan/framework/strategy works a lot better for me than shooting from the hip.
This would give me some preparation, as well as hopefully reducing the time frame and cost of the counselors a bit as well.
If you go to the doctor, and say something's wrong without being able to give details, you either get blown off, or lots of expensive , unpleasant, and uncomfortable tests run. If you can be pretty specific in your symptoms, it narrows things down, and makes it a lot easier on you, the doctor, and your pocketbook, and where you store it.
Also, conflict resolutions in marriage are as much an emotional appeal as they are subjective appeals. You can't have one without the other, and focusing on the subjective appeals can be detrimental to the relationship. I can see how taking this approach can blow up in your face. I understand that you want to approach the problem from a position of strength (especially if you are in a position right now where you feel like you have none), but I think a simple airing of your concerns followed by counseling is the best approach.
Honestly, creating a workbook to catalog the issues is probably just going to be a means to distract yourself at best.
The type of problem solving work flow you're describing is useful at a job / when running a business because, most of the time, you can tackle the problems yourself. It's just an issue of time / resource management. A relationship requires you and your partner(s) working in concert to fix problems within the relationship. You can't settle a complex issue like, 'my friends can't come over when I would like them to,' on your own just by setting aside a couple of hours on Friday.
Communication and a few precious hours of unvarnished honesty are - usually - what can help to resolve conflicts in relationships, and you will get those things by seeking out a good counselor. I agree with the above post: find a counselor sooner rather than later, and don't spend too much time at all looking for a self-help book on the matter.
Maybe you could start a conversation to find out each other's expectations? Or that might be easier done through a counselor.
I just happened to listen to this NPR clip on "happy marriage" and found it pretty interesting: http://www.npr.org/2014/04/25/301825600/are-we-asking-too-much-of-our-spouses
Island Name: Felinefine
Many churches and community centers offer low-cost or no-cost counseling for couples. But, I'd prioritize my budget so that cost isn't an issue getting in the way of figuring out my relationship.
I totally get the whole go directly to a counselor. I need advice on what to look for in a counselor too. I took a brief look at some, but is there some sort of Angie's list, or solid review site, etc? I'm going to be opening up to this person, and I want to make sure they have a good reputation, and reviews etc. I have heard some horror stories from my network.
Also, I am not looking for some sort of easy fix.
But, I do know myself. If I can prepare, I can get in front of 80k people and perform, and not a bit of nerves.
If I am unprepared? 50/50 odds I will exceed, or just be a mess of rambling nerves and not even remember what I discuss.
She described it like an audit. Not necessarily fun, but important and necessary. She also said just like an audit, don't bring in a shoebox full of unorganized receipts (issues) to dump on the auditor/counselor.
You can, but you will end up paying through the nose for it.
She tried the shoebox method with her first counselor, and spent a ton of money and time, and things were worse from it.
The second time she had a better idea of what she wanted, and was willing to do to accomplish it, and it saved her marriage.
Unfortunately, her counselor is several states away, so I can't just go to her.
@badpoet Exactly. I realize this isn't a DIY project I can read a book to fix. I'm more trying to educate my self so I have some idea what is going on, what to look for, etc. I am definitely setting money aside for the counselor, but I don't want to just burn money, or especially time. Between two kids and my job, time is at a premium too.
Thanks again for all the input.
Well totally overwhelmed actually.
A couple questions that are really bugging me. (in no particular order)
1 . should I go with someone younger, with less real world experience; or someone older with a good record?
I would think someone younger would be more up to date on all the latest methods or whatever. But at the same time, someone oldercan speak from real wworld experience and all that.
2. If I go solo at first, should we go to a different counselor for couple therapy?
I ask this because if the roles were reversed, I would be worried that the counselor had heard all this horrible stuff about me, and Iwould feel ganged up on? We tried counseling once before (10± years ago, and mainly because nearly every traumatic, stressful event that can happen did) she didn't want to talk about some of the issues that were bugging me, and I was out of town for the first meeting. I showed up for the 2nd,and I was a piñata for the rest of the sessions it felt like.
3. Should I /we look for some one with some sort of specialized training for physical intimacy things? Everything works physically, but I suspect some pretty deep seated stuff on my SO's part.
4. How safe /secure are the interactions with a counselor? I know in TV they say it is patient confidentially, but confidential seems to be a thing of the past these days.
Thanks again for any help, I really appreciate it.
Sorry for any typos. I think I caught them but smartphone is doing weird stuff.
tldr; how do I pick a counselor I obviously need?
2. Yes. It's a conflict of interest and also generally outside a persons specialty to counsel an individual and the couple, different goals and all that.
3. Dude, that is NOT your call. You can suggest to her in a neutral environment that maybe she could explore that if she felt comfortable, but if she doesn't and you're pushing expect that to go over as well as giving a cat a bath in a vat of acid.
4. HIPPA covers this stuff too, dude, unless your counselor is subpoenaed that shit is on lock.
Also, I've been there, so I just want to make sure you have your expectations in order. No matter what list of bullshit you walk into the counselor's office with, it's the counselor's job to figure out what the problem is and how best to approach addressing it.
As convenient as it would be to take emotion out of the equation when working on a long-term relationship, marriage or not, you just can't.
First, many people go to a counselor and expect to fix fifteen years of problems in one forty-five minute session. It sounds like you've been down this road before, so hopefully your expectations are already at a reasonable level, which is great!
Second, make sure the three of you (you, wife, counselor) are all on the same team. It really sucks you got to play pinata last time around, so you already know that kind of adversarial situation won't work. I know you'll be working on issues the two of you have, but if you're in a relationship together, your goals should be the same. Ultimately - to have the best marriage/relationship you can. I've done something kind of similar in the past, where I would just defer to the significant other on things just to save a fight. When we were in counseling, she straight up told me that it was okay to disagree with her on things and tell her how I wanted to spend time.
It may seem simple, but it was pretty eye opening. I realized I was internalizing a lot of this resentment (why does she always win?) when I could have easily (and respectfully) spoken up for myself. So not only have I been able to do more things I wanted to do, it has put us on a more equal footing (which is something we both wanted), and I am able to be more present in the relationship without feeling walked all over.
Another piece of advice I've seen a few times around here is that if she doesn't want to go to counseling, you should go on your own. Best of luck.