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Fiancee left me, so lost.
Prime
UKRegistered User regular
UKRegistered User regular
I didn't know if I was going to write this here or not but there are good people here and I'm currently alone without anyone to talk to.
Last Wednesday after work I get a phone call from my other half, she is in tears and tells me she has something to tell me, that she kissed another man 2 days ago. I drive down to where she is training straight away to have it out with her and find out what the hell happened. After a few hours of talking and tears we decide to talk it over more on the Friday when she will be getting home.
Friday we talk it over and I give her an open floor to bring up any problems she has with the relationship, it effectively boils down to she doesn't feel any excitement towards me anymore (we have been together for 6 1/2 years). She cries, I cry, we hug and talk a bit more and by the end of it It was decided we were going to work on it and that the relationship it was worth trying to save.
Saturday is the following day and I've organized for her to have an hour alone in a massage treatment center to help relax her mind/body and we go out looking for a dress for her (see needs one for an upcoming event) and a few casual smart shirts for me. Had a great day, hand holding, kissing, smiles and even went into one of those 5 instant photo booth things to pull funny faces etc, all and all we are out for around 5 hours and I and I believe her genuinely had a good time.
When we get home, we take the dogs for a walk, she goes a bit quiet, rightly or wrongly I try and keep some conversation going on various topics regarding her training or my work/friends. We come home have some dinner, watch some TV and go to bed with the same kind of atmosphere. Instead of any hug or touch before bed I get a slightly awkward good night (keep in mind we had both agreed on Friday sex was off the table for now until she was comfortable so shouldn't have been any pressure there).
Sunday morning before we are even out of bed I ask if there is anything she is holding back and she pretty much right out says she doesn't see a future with me anymore. She loves me but doesn't want to be with me and she needs space. She goes to see her parents in tears, and I likewise go to see my dad equally upset, when I arrived I started bursting into tears without warning and continued to do so all evening. I'm now back home as my dad was heading to Paris on a work trip 7am this morning and my mum is abroad for 10 days.
My other half is away for 2 weeks training before she would have to come home, and I said I wouldn't contact her unless she contacted me first, apart from a text we agreed to send each other when we arrived at our respective family so we know the other got there safe. But now I'm sitting on my own, still randomly bursting into tears, looking at photos, thinking of everything EVER said or done, shattered future laying before me with from what I can tell very little hope of her ever coming back to me. She has been my whole adult life, I had just turned 22 when we met and we have been through so much together. We've bought a house, have two dogs we love like members of the family and have planned about a 1/3rd of the wedding, we even started having talks about children not so long ago. All of which has to be undone which is making my heart race and head panic. Either one of us staying with our parents while the other lives in the house isn't an option as we both work close to where we live but our parents are around a 3 hour drive away for both of us.
I'm not sure what I plan to gain from sharing this here but I'm currently so alone I have to do something, unable to contact her and my parents being away, I'm feeling such all consuming emotions and worse of all I still love her with all my heart and soul and in my minds eye she is still my whole future....
Last Wednesday after work I get a phone call from my other half, she is in tears and tells me she has something to tell me, that she kissed another man 2 days ago. I drive down to where she is training straight away to have it out with her and find out what the hell happened. After a few hours of talking and tears we decide to talk it over more on the Friday when she will be getting home.
Friday we talk it over and I give her an open floor to bring up any problems she has with the relationship, it effectively boils down to she doesn't feel any excitement towards me anymore (we have been together for 6 1/2 years). She cries, I cry, we hug and talk a bit more and by the end of it It was decided we were going to work on it and that the relationship it was worth trying to save.
Saturday is the following day and I've organized for her to have an hour alone in a massage treatment center to help relax her mind/body and we go out looking for a dress for her (see needs one for an upcoming event) and a few casual smart shirts for me. Had a great day, hand holding, kissing, smiles and even went into one of those 5 instant photo booth things to pull funny faces etc, all and all we are out for around 5 hours and I and I believe her genuinely had a good time.
When we get home, we take the dogs for a walk, she goes a bit quiet, rightly or wrongly I try and keep some conversation going on various topics regarding her training or my work/friends. We come home have some dinner, watch some TV and go to bed with the same kind of atmosphere. Instead of any hug or touch before bed I get a slightly awkward good night (keep in mind we had both agreed on Friday sex was off the table for now until she was comfortable so shouldn't have been any pressure there).
Sunday morning before we are even out of bed I ask if there is anything she is holding back and she pretty much right out says she doesn't see a future with me anymore. She loves me but doesn't want to be with me and she needs space. She goes to see her parents in tears, and I likewise go to see my dad equally upset, when I arrived I started bursting into tears without warning and continued to do so all evening. I'm now back home as my dad was heading to Paris on a work trip 7am this morning and my mum is abroad for 10 days.
My other half is away for 2 weeks training before she would have to come home, and I said I wouldn't contact her unless she contacted me first, apart from a text we agreed to send each other when we arrived at our respective family so we know the other got there safe. But now I'm sitting on my own, still randomly bursting into tears, looking at photos, thinking of everything EVER said or done, shattered future laying before me with from what I can tell very little hope of her ever coming back to me. She has been my whole adult life, I had just turned 22 when we met and we have been through so much together. We've bought a house, have two dogs we love like members of the family and have planned about a 1/3rd of the wedding, we even started having talks about children not so long ago. All of which has to be undone which is making my heart race and head panic. Either one of us staying with our parents while the other lives in the house isn't an option as we both work close to where we live but our parents are around a 3 hour drive away for both of us.
I'm not sure what I plan to gain from sharing this here but I'm currently so alone I have to do something, unable to contact her and my parents being away, I'm feeling such all consuming emotions and worse of all I still love her with all my heart and soul and in my minds eye she is still my whole future....
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Got to go into work tomorrow though, explain it to my boss, hes a great guy and it should be fine, but im dreading breaking down in front of him. Need to tell him that I shouldn't be client facing for a few days and might be less productive then normal for a bit (I'm a software developer so all the work is mental).
It is so very very easy to find yourself clinging to a relationship that you don't really want because it feels safe. Judging by how quickly things went south I'm guessing that there are some problems in the relationship, but even if you thought it was all perfect before, this unexpected turn of events is concerning because among other things it means your fiancee doesn't communicate very well.
So before anything else happens you should decide if you even want to try and salvage a relationship, and if you do it will be good to have an idea of what you want when you get down to trying to make things better. I can't tell you that it will all work out the way you want it too, but I think it might help to think about some of the things you didn't like in your relationship to give some perspective on your current situation.
Not much else to say besides hang in there. I was with someone for 8 years (most of my adult life, 19-27), and then we split for various reasons. Here I am now, a mere 3 years later, married to the best woman ever, and living in a new country. I see that split as the best thing that happened to the both of us, and like Veevee said, I'm glad it happened before marriage.
I'm breaking down a lot in private, random bursts of emotions surface out of nowhere, from tears to shouts of frustration. Told my boss today, he sent me home for 2 days and said "Come back Thursday, I'll sort out HR dont worry". So I've got a few more days to untangle my head.
Thanks for sharing your own experience, it does actually help a little. If this really is the end, my biggest fear is starting again at 28, far from past it I know but having to go back out there...
I was in a very similar situation, was with my fiancee for 3 years (from 16 to 19) and had a -very- sudden breakup that came out of nowhere. One thing that I took from it, and something I'm noting here is that you have been together for quite a bit of time since you were in your teens, correct? I sure many of us here know many people (friends, former classmates, etc.) who went on to have very long lasting relationships with their S/O right out of high school, but sometimes there are a few times where I have seen it come down to one of both people in a relationship perhaps feeling a want to experience something else. I'm not saying that is the case here, but with what I've read I can't help but feel that what your fiancee is experiencing is a want to see other people or perhaps has connected with someone as hard as that is to say. These next two weeks I think will show how things go, at least for the short-term. But I don't like to think that things are set in stone either. There have been examples of folks getting back together after a break, some even I believe posting about it in this very forum.
For the time being though as others have said, is to try and spend some time with friends, keep yourself busy and personally I would suggest doing something physical. Whether it be longer walks with the dogs, maybe start going to a gym (I personally did this myself and it really helped me when my fiancee and I broke up). If you need to perhaps drive to pay a visit to some friends as well maybe take a look into that as well over the next couple of weeks. Just something to help you stay busy and pre-occupied. I truly hope things work out for the best for you and your fiancee though Prime, and if you need to talk more I'm sure there are many of us, myself included, who would be an ear if you need it.
Not quite, I had just turned 22 when started dating, I'm not far off 29. This wasn't a childhood sweetheart or even my first serious relationship, but it was the only one I've had in adulthood.
I already started going to the gym ages ago in prep for the wedding and spending the last year of my 20s in physical fitness, and I really kicked it up a gear 3 months back. Physically I've never been stronger or fitter, hell, 4 more pounds and I haven't been lighter since I was around 18-20. I am going tonight, was a national holiday over the weekend and the Monday so haven't been able to go. Been trying to force myself to eat things so I'll have the energy tonight, but its so hard.
The problem with leaving is, part of me wants to be here in case she wants to come back and talk to me.
Ahh, my mistake on the teens part then. Sorry for that.
That's awesome that you are making so much headway with the gym and I commend you for it. Certainly keep at it.
I can understand the feeling of not wanting to leave for the reason you gave just be mindful that while it's one thing to be there for her and if she wants to talk, you also need to be mindful for yourself as well and what you need.
Best of luck and check out the heart thread in SE++
they'll cheer you up a bit
/bro hug
This strikes me as an unrealistic expectation for someone to have. At some point a relationship transitions from excitement and novelty to stability and comfort. Interestingly, the same can be said about life. And it sounds like you are in the section of your life (20s) where you make the transition from college party mode to settling down with kids and a mortgage.
As others have said, it's best to learn this now rather than after a marriage. And as Jebus said, take some time to think about what you want. If you want to settle into a routine while she wants excitement, maybe this is for the best.
Things will get better.
Breaking down emotional is ok, and in fact it's much better than just burying your feelings and trying to ignore them. You appear to have an awesome boss and an awesome group of support to rely on so I'm going to go out on a limb and guess everything will be A-Ok.
I was 28 when my wife said we should separate from out of no where (a little over 2 years ago) and it turned into the greatest thing that happened to me in the last 5 years. After a couple months a tremendous weight was lifted from my shoulders that I never realized I'd been carrying, then a short time later I met a wonderful women who I'm currently with, and I'm currently in a happier place than I have ever been in my life.
Just remember, Things are gonna get better
If you have shared your finances as much as you've said you have (bought a house together, presumably have savings together, perhaps some other investments?) I think you should get in contact with a lawyer about the situation as quickly as you reasonably can. It will be great if your ex-fiancee is very amicable about the financial stuff, but if she's not? The person who lawyers-up firstest and bestest is usually the one who doesn't get taken to the cleaners.
The reason I say that you might want to seek legal counsel as fast as possible is that your ex, who presumably already saw this coming, might already be a step ahead of you here if she plans to fight you for, say, the house.
Do not undervalue this. It is huge.
I no longer have the uncertainty which has lifted a weight off my mind, but I'm still left with an emptiness. I think I'm all grieved out though, at least for now as its been 2 hours and I'm just a bit numb.
Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
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Don't try to patch it up or just be friends, etc. At least not now.
Rather, do end amicably if you have it in you to do so, but definitely don't spend a lot of time together. Cleave to your friends and hang in there.
Weighed myself today as well as I want to get back to the gym mindset as well. I guess I wasn't eating and didn't notice. Lost 5lbs since Sunday, so I made sure I packed a good lunch, fruits, nuts and a meat packed sandwich.
I appreciate all the comments and advise, and welcome any more. It is helping me.
edit: We have so far ended amicably, I feel it will be OK on that front as long as the financials don't get messy, which in all honestly I don't think they will, we don't have much debt to split and assets (except the house) are nothing worth shouting about.
I guess I'm sort of round-aboutedly saying that it fucking sucks butts right now but like everyone says, it gets better. And at some point you'll realize all the things that added up to not being great that maybe you just couldn't see at the time. Or maybe you won't... but you'll meet someone else who makes you realize that what you thought was great was actually barely even good enough. And I don't mean that as a condemnation of your ex - hell, I still think most of my ex boyfriends were decent enough guys - I mean it more as a realization that you two just didn't compliment each other well enough.
Glad it's going "well." Keep up the health regimen, that's a good thing to focus on.
Still look into getting a lawyer or neutral lawyer friend to assist you two with dividing up the stuff; best to have a third party to make sure everyone is treated fairly.
This weekend I actually had unforced fun/laughs. 4 of my mates came over and stayed the weekend, we set up a large table in the living room, threw on terrible movies in the background, played some of the daftest games of space alert I've ever had while drinking whiskey. Talked about it with them when I needed to, just gamed when I didn't. Although now they've all gone home and I'm feeling low again as I have time to think about my problems, it was nice to have a preview of the light at the end of the tunnel, if even for a weekend.
Do not get engaged to someone for at least 1 year.
Try not to enter into any relationships for the next 3 months (at least). If you meet someone awesome, explain that you're recently divorced and you just need some time before you can get into a real relationship again
You're already finding things to keep you busy - keep doing that. Also, don't feel ashamed if you need to spend a night broken down and crying. It happens.
But now I feel terrible again, shes been cleaning out "our" draws from "our" room and will have to spend the next few weeks in the spare room. Photos going down around the place, all kinds of little things cleared out...and just....arrrggh...I was feeling OK yesterday, now I'm all mixed up inside again. Shes just so much more indifferent about it all then me, I know she must have been thinking about this for weeks or months before she told me 2 weeks ago but I feel like the last 6 years don't mean much to her at all right now.
Did you already talk with legal counsel about this?
Seriously, please, go do it.
I can vividly remember how I felt after the end of the relationship - like a part of me had been torn from myself. I was an emotional wreck, and sharing the same space with someone that you've been that intimate with after the end of things doesn't help.
What I can tell you is that you will be devastated. You will go through swings of perfect normality to soul crushing emptiness. The most cathartic thing for me was simply talking through it with friends and family over and over and over again.
As much distance as possible is my recommendation.
Things did get ugly in my case, but I maintained healthy boundaries and ultimately felt better a year later.
I hear you man.
sorry =(
Seeing her will be hard. It may be hard for a long time. But you're a member of the greatest species on this planet - resilient and adaptive and determined.
You're going to be turning 30 soon, but it's 2014. It's not too late to get back into the dating scene (WHEN YOU'RE READY), and when you decide it's time, you'll know what to do. And you'll be in the best shape of your life from the sound of it, so you'll have a whole extra stockpile of confidence to draw from.
You got this. You SO got this.
This was a week ago, and for some reason or another it still hasn't hit me yet. I've just been drifting along waiting for the inevitable emotional battering ram to the face.
P.S.
As I was getting ready for bed just now, something drew me to this section of the forum. I wasn't going to make my own post, but I had a feeling before I even clicked that there was going to be another thread regarding the exact same thing.
I'm really REALLY sorry to hear that.