Existential Escalator Embolisms

YaYa

the board is set

the pieces are moving




E3 IS UPON US AGAIN

June 9th to June 11th will see the big players showing off their new gear, just in time for a Holiday 2015 launch

we got



leading the charge on June 9th at 9:30 AM, hurting from a 2013 skullfucking and clawing their way back to the top

what 2015 games will they announce? Halo 5? Titanfall 2?! Gears of War 1 Billion? will they burn a Kinect live on stage and have an orgy in the ashes? PROBABLY!

we got



at 11:30 AM on June 9th, with...sports? Star Wars? Battlefield? maybe...uh...Mirror's Edge, or something?

then we got



who'll reach peak French with AC Unity, be maybe accidentally racist with Far Cry 4 and ideally will feature Aisha Tyler being awkward, that's at 2:30 PM on the 9th

rounding out the day we've got the big motherfuckers on campus



they're out to an early lead, they're gonna drop hells of indies on you, they're gonna show some Uncharted, they'll have some new IPs, it'll be great. the only thing missing is Jack Tretton


finally on the 10th at 9 AM we got these poor schmoes



they'll announce some Smash Bros characters, show some NFC stuff, and then Iwata will cry, live, for 90 straight minutes




ARE

YOU

READY

FOR

SOME

TARGETED

ADVERTISING

tell me what you want, tell me what'll happen, tell me what stupidly early time you'll be getting up to watch the conferences live (2:00 AM for me!)

let's do some video games

Butler For Life #1

I will do what I do every year

Hope for a TWEWY sequel

And, as usual, I will be disappointed

Hermano

Shenmue 3

Raijin Quickfoot

Empirical Elite Egalitarians

Hacksaw

All I care about is The Division and Battlefield: Hardline. Everything else is pretty meh.

David_T

I want to see more about Far Cry 4. And I want to see some Pro Evo Soccer next gen.

And I really want to hear something, anything from Rockstar. I know they don't do E3, but some other presser then.

Moriveth

Fallout 4 news would be neat.

Other than that, uh, I dunno.

Bully 2?

Sterica

Butler For Life #1 wrote: »

I will do what I do every year

Hope for a TWEWY sequel

And, as usual, I will be disappointed

Stay strong, my friend.

It could be worse.

You could be a Last Guardian holdout.

TheySlashThem

E3 used to be something I got super excited about

but now I'm a primarily PC gamer who mostly plays free-to-play games

and it's a weird feeling watching this thing I used to be really into as sort of an outsider

Raijin Quickfoot

I'm hoping for some Madden and NHL news

Undead Scottsman

Bobkins Flymo wrote: »

Butler For Life #1 wrote: »

I will do what I do every year

Hope for a TWEWY sequel

And, as usual, I will be disappointed

Stay strong, my friend.

It could be worse.

You could be a Last Guardian holdout.

Or a Half-Life fan.

Professor Fuzzles

I want more visual novels to be localised and for every game on the 2/3 ds to be a new Pheonix Wright game.. all of them.

DodgeBlan

everybody who posts in the DS2 thread get hype for PROJECT BEAST

Veldrin

I, for one, remain tightly gripped onto the dream of Mr Caffeine's return.

YaYa

Veldrin wrote: »

I, for one, remain tightly gripped onto the dream of Mr Caffeine's return.

let me take you to the alternate reality where this happened

doodley-doodley-doodley

Grey Ghost

The thing I'm looking forward to the most is the Abridged videos on each company

Grey Ghost

Also come on Elder Scrolls and Deus Ex

BugBoy

maybe if I wish real hard they'll put GBA games on the 3ds virtual console

failing that, I will make do with pokemon stuff because I am a nerd

Butler For Life #1

Bobkins Flymo wrote: »

Butler For Life #1 wrote: »

I will do what I do every year

Hope for a TWEWY sequel

And, as usual, I will be disappointed

Stay strong, my friend.

It could be worse.

You could be a Last Guardian holdout.

That would be bad, at least TWEWY fans got a first game

But Last Guardian never got a dramatic countdown clock leading to the reveal of an iOS port

I don't know which hurts more

masterofmetroid

I am interested in the possibility of a new game in a storied Nintendo franchise that hasn't had an entry in 7 years

No not 4 years i said 7 shut up

Undead Scottsman

Reporting this from elsewhere, because my life is empty and posting crappy wishlists makes me feel alive. Posted from in decreasing order of likeliness.

-Alpha Centauri 2
Beyond Earth is close enough. I just like bringing this up because I really liked Alpha Centauri, and it's nice to get an item taken off your wishlist.
-Shadow Complex 2
Developer ChAIR posted a video a month ago about how author Peter David has scripted Shadow Complex 2, and while he later said he did that right after Shadow Complex 1, I'm hoping that ChAIR posted the video is an indication that they're doing it. Especially now that Infinity Blade is ostensibly finished. (3 is apparently the final game)
-New Metroid, preferably styled after Metroid Prime
So long as Sakamoto stays away from this one, I'd be down with a new one. Obviously, Retro doing a new Prime-style game is what I want the most but someone else doing a game in that vein, or even a traditional metroid I'd be down with. I'd probably wouldn't buy a WiiU for a 2D metroid, but I totally would for an FPS one.
-Gears of War having something original
I still think they should have let this one die, especially since YOU KNOW they're bringing back the Locust, despite how the franchise ended. I just want them to have a good explanation why they're back, and bring some NEW element to the franchise... A new army of enemies, RTS elements, SOMETHING.
-New Banjo-Kazooie
Rare is a shadow, and all the people who made BK great are gone, but Microsoft NEEDS games, and having a 3D platformer would be a decent get. I don't care if it's like the first two or like Nuts and Bolts. N&B was such a great game, I'd be fine with getting a sequel to it too.
-Sequel to Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light
My favorite game of that year. A great puzzle/shooter that became transcendental in coop. Hands down the best coop game I have ever played.
-New Half-Life game,
I'll never give up! NEVER, EVER! Though while I'm doubtful they'll announce a new HL game, I think it's a possibility they'll announce a new L4D, this year, given project tracker leaks have shown they're working on one.

Of course, new and unexpected announcements and usually the best, but these are the existing games I'd like to see new entries of.

One Thousand Cables

E3 HYPE TRAAAAAAAAIN

http://youtu.be/5gEdQ5KpY8Y

BahamutZERO

new side scrolling metroid pls nintendo

DouglasDanger

I'm looking forward to some Project Beast news and some more info about Destiny.

Grey Ghost

The old Tomb Raider is dead, Scottsman
Give in to the new

YaYa

Grey Ghost wrote: »

The old Tomb Raider is dead, Scottsman
Give in to the new

oh shit I bet Sony'll show something for the sequel

yep, sticking with that

Raijin Quickfoot

I'm also hoping for some Final Fantasy 15

Grey Ghost

What's this I'm hearing about a new Red Dead Redemption is that sass in the main

Brolo

3:20 PM TUESDAY JUNE 10:

<MIKE LAIDLAW ON STAGE>

Ladies and gentlemen I am very excited to announce to you, and our viewers at home, the latest game in the epic Bioware Saga:

Turgidity: Sweaty Ballz

<BROWN AND YELLOW DROPLETS APPEAR ON SCREEN, SPLASHING ON THE FLOOR BEFORE POOLING INTO A GIANT PAIR OF BALLS>

<CUT TO SHOTS OF AUDIENCE CHEERING AND GAMES JOURNALISTS REACHING INTO THEIR PANTS>


Now in the past games in the Turgidity series you've jelqed your character from a tiny dicked peepee up to a fully deformed monstercock, with completely customizable foreskin. But this time we want to take you and your party of magic jelqers even further, by creating a true next-gen feature that we're proud to announce will be exclusive to the Xbox One:

TrueScrote real-time scrotum scanning technology, powered by Kinect.

<A 360 DEGREE ROTATING SCROTUM APPEARS ON SCREEN WITH HOLOGRAPHIC ARROWS AND MATH EQUATIONS>

<ALISTAIR MCNALLY STEPS ON STAGE, BOTTOMLESS>

Imagine if anyone, anywhere in the world, could take a peek at your scrotum right now. What would they see? How would they react? It's these kind of user-driven divergent gameplay scenarios that make the Turgidity series so compelling, and giving players the opportunity to share their ballsack online on the Xbox One with their friends and family is really going to make you feel like you're part of the Turgidity: Sweaty Ballz universe.

<PICTURES OF ENTIRE FAMILIES DISPLAYING THEIR SCROTUMS, WOMEN CURIOUSLY ABSENT>

Thanks for taking the time out to hear about next exciting chapter in the Turgidity series, expect more big news from us during Gamescom! And as always, KEEP JELQING!

<CUT TO MORE WILD CHEERING, PHIL SPENCER ENTHUSIASTICALLY TEA BAGGING PETER MOLYNEUX, WHO IS SHEDDING TEARS OF JOY>

i'm posting this again because it's just that important

Donovan Puppyfucker

I couldn't NOT awesome that OP, YaYa.

You did done good, kid.

-Tal

Grey Ghost wrote: »

What's this I'm hearing about a new Red Dead Redemption is that sass in the main

this is the press release my source has given me

The Confederate States of America have declared the Second American Revolution. The Western Territories, untamed by either the Union or the Confederacy, could provide the key resources for either side to win the war. In the game world, stretching from Union-controlled Southern California to Confederacy-controlled Southern Texas with the Arizona and New Mexico territories inbetween, three souls fight in the chaos of the frontier: a Chinese immigrant evading Union conscription in California, an escaped slave fighting for others like her in Texas, and an Apache warrior fighting against encroachment from either side of the war in her people's lands. Developed by Rockstar San Diego with historical consultation provided by Ubisoft Montreal. Red Dead Revolution will be released on April 9, 2015 on Playstation 4 and Xbox One.

Undead Scottsman

Grey Ghost wrote: »

The old Tomb Raider is dead, Scottsman
Give in to the new

The GoL formulae isn't reliant on old or new, IMO. A new GoL game could be a side story for the new Lara Croft as easily as it was for the old.

YaYa

Brolo wrote: »

3:20 PM TUESDAY JUNE 10:

<MIKE LAIDLAW ON STAGE>

Ladies and gentlemen I am very excited to announce to you, and our viewers at home, the latest game in the epic Bioware Saga:

Turgidity: Sweaty Ballz

<BROWN AND YELLOW DROPLETS APPEAR ON SCREEN, SPLASHING ON THE FLOOR BEFORE POOLING INTO A GIANT PAIR OF BALLS>

<CUT TO SHOTS OF AUDIENCE CHEERING AND GAMES JOURNALISTS REACHING INTO THEIR PANTS>


Now in the past games in the Turgidity series you've jelqed your character from a tiny dicked peepee up to a fully deformed monstercock, with completely customizable foreskin. But this time we want to take you and your party of magic jelqers even further, by creating a true next-gen feature that we're proud to announce will be exclusive to the Xbox One:

TrueScrote real-time scrotum scanning technology, powered by Kinect.

<A 360 DEGREE ROTATING SCROTUM APPEARS ON SCREEN WITH HOLOGRAPHIC ARROWS AND MATH EQUATIONS>

<ALISTAIR MCNALLY STEPS ON STAGE, BOTTOMLESS>

Imagine if anyone, anywhere in the world, could take a peek at your scrotum right now. What would they see? How would they react? It's these kind of user-driven divergent gameplay scenarios that make the Turgidity series so compelling, and giving players the opportunity to share their ballsack online on the Xbox One with their friends and family is really going to make you feel like you're part of the Turgidity: Sweaty Ballz universe.

<PICTURES OF ENTIRE FAMILIES DISPLAYING THEIR SCROTUMS, WOMEN CURIOUSLY ABSENT>

Thanks for taking the time out to hear about next exciting chapter in the Turgidity series, expect more big news from us during Gamescom! And as always, KEEP JELQING!

<CUT TO MORE WILD CHEERING, PHIL SPENCER ENTHUSIASTICALLY TEA BAGGING PETER MOLYNEUX, WHO IS SHEDDING TEARS OF JOY>

i'm posting this again because it's just that important

Brolo

why

Anzekay

All I want is a new Baldur's Gate.

I already know I will not be getting this at E3.

Xehalus

Jade Empire 2 or I riot

DouglasDanger

That Civil War Red Dead game sounds way too potentially amazing to be real, and if it is real, i sure as hell do not trust rockstar to handle it with any level of maturity.

Brolo

DouglasDanger wrote: »

That Civil War Red Dead game sounds way too potentially amazing to be real, and if it is real, i sure as hell do not trust rockstar to handle it with any level of maturity.

Red Dead Rebellion

Red Dead Revolution

SimBen

One Thousand Dicks wrote: »

E3 HYPE TRAAAAAAAAIN

http://youtu.be/5gEdQ5KpY8Y

Came in to do precisely that.

SimBen

Although really this should be a once a page post.

Brolo

Anzekay wrote: »

All I want is a new Baldur's Gate.

I already know I will not be getting this at E3.

I mean there's the EE versions, but the franchise wrapped up 13 years ago. Given that Bioware is invested in Dragon Age now, and the AD&D license has migrated elsewhere, I don't think there's much chance of them reviving BG.

Veldrin

-Tal wrote: »

Grey Ghost wrote: »

What's this I'm hearing about a new Red Dead Redemption is that sass in the main

this is the press release my source has given me

The Confederate States of America have declared the Second American Revolution. The Western Territories, untamed by either the Union or the Confederacy, could provide the key resources for either side to win the war. In the game world, stretching from Union-controlled Southern California to Confederacy-controlled Southern Texas with the Arizona and New Mexico territories inbetween, three souls fight in the chaos of the frontier: a Chinese immigrant evading Union conscription in California, an escaped slave fighting for others like her in Texas, and an Apache warrior fighting against encroachment from either side of the war in her people's lands. Developed by Rockstar San Diego with historical consultation provided by Ubisoft Montreal. Red Dead Revolution will be released on April 9, 2015 on Playstation 4 and Xbox One.

Oh heck yes