Which gift would you want?

frankiebobankie

I am attending my cousin's wedding next month. We knew each other as kids, but we haven't seen each other in 30 years. They are not accepting gifts because he and his fiancée are consolidating into a small apartment in San Francisco and they don't need any more stuff. They also don't want or need money. I want to give him something personal. As a photographer, I want to take a photograph for him of his city (San Fran) or mine (Boston), and send it as a surprise to him nicely framed to hang in his home. My question: if you were him, which would you prefer - the SF photo of his home town, or the Boston photo of mine? I need some perspective on this. Thanks in advance!

tapeslinger

his city would be more meaningful? But I'd find a specific locale which speaks to the couple if you can.

MichaelLC

SF.

Do you know where he/she proposed? Or is the wedding in a scenic spot?

frankiebobankie

MichaelLC wrote: »

SF.

Do you know where he/she proposed? Or is the wedding in a scenic spot?

The wedding is in an old cathedral in the city. If I can do something great with it that might work, but I don't want to give him something he'll be getting from the wedding photographer, and I'd prefer the photo stand on its own - not relying on the event. I can certainly ask him what their favorite areas are or where he proposed and see how that goes.

MichaelLC

Take a picture of the wedding photographer.

Irredeemably Indecisive

Since a gift like this can be such a subjective thing, I'd just ask him and find out what he would like. The fact that he specifically asked for no gifts AND no money tells me he may not actually appreciate having this thrust upon him without any warning. Especially if you try to do it as a wedding gift.

MichaelLC wrote: »

Take a picture of the wedding photographer.

Then take a picture of that picture and frame that.

davidsdurions

The best gift you can give to someone asking for no gifts is offering to help move them. But since they don't want money, they probably hired some movers.

Next best thing: getting an appointment with a really good masseuse. Because people like this are clearly stressed out and need the respite. If you make the appointment for them, they will be obligated to go and be better for it. This is in lieu of a gift certificate.

Next thing I can think of is showing up and giving a hug bad and a hand shake because that sounds like what they really want.

Invisible

I'd say San Franciso.

You could also make a donation to a charity in their honor, especially if you know one they support.

Pure Din

If they say no stuff, don't give them something they're supposed to put on their wall and look at everyday. If you want to give them something personal, print the photo on a card, and write a nice handwritten note.

If you absolutely must give them something, a gift to the St Anthony Foundation in their name would be most appropriate, I think: http://www.stanthonysf.org/ The wedding couple may not want or need anything but lots of other people in San Francisco do.

Quid

I agree with Pure Din. Your plan is certainly thoughtful but it misses the point when your friend said they don't want any stuff. Stuff you hang on the wall is still stuff.

MichaelLC

For sure, some people are just anti-stuff.
But I think there can be difference between 'stuff bought at Pottery Barn' and 'stuff a friend created'. But the OP knows the couple the best and hopefully knows which they mean.

DevoutlyApathetic

Going to echo the idea that you should REALLY REALLY respect their verbalized wishes. They said no gifts, do not give them a gift. Absolutely do not give them a gift at the wedding/reception where others can see it and be made to feel like heels.

Now I think taking a really nice photo of the engagement site and just sending it to them with a thank you note, not at the wedding in front of others, would be classy. I'd actually go with a nice high rez digital file to them because it isn't clutter and will probably be easier to keep so in 10, 15 or 20 years they can pull it out and show how it looked when they get engaged.

MichaelLC

DevoutlyApathetic wrote: »

Absolutely do not give them a gift at the wedding/reception where others can see it and be made to feel like heels.

Hand it to her directly and say, "For what could have been."

iRevert

frankiebobankie wrote: »

I am attending my cousin's wedding next month. We knew each other as kids, but we haven't seen each other in 30 years. They are not accepting gifts because he and his fiancée are consolidating into a small apartment in San Francisco and they don't need any more stuff. They also don't want or need money. I want to give him something personal. As a photographer, I want to take a photograph for him of his city (San Fran) or mine (Boston), and send it as a surprise to him nicely framed to hang in his home. My question: if you were him, which would you prefer - the SF photo of his home town, or the Boston photo of mine? I need some perspective on this. Thanks in advance!

If you wanted to be artsy-fartsy you could take a shot of SF Bay at night and then photoshop in the Boston skyline into the reflection in the water, would take a bit of work and some research to find a location in Boston that somewhat lines up and then would take a bit of time in PS but it would pull off a two for one.

Truck

MichaelLC wrote: »

Take a picture of the wedding photographer.

Naked.

Usagi

I know you mean well, but from someone who may be moving/downsizing in a similar manner very soon, I'd be really fucking irritated if you gave me something anyways

Maybe write them a nice note and offer your services for a vista of their choice after they've settled?

Dhalphir

@frankiebobankie‌

someone who is attending a no-gifts event and gives a gift anyway is a bad kind of persoon

don't be that kind of person

if you must get them something, give it to them the day before or the day after, not at the event.

Donovan Puppyfucker

I've been to engagement parties and weddings before where there was a request for no gifts, and then half the attendees brought gifts anyway.

Made me feel like shit.

If folks say no gifts, they mean it, often likely because some of the people attending may not reasonably be able to afford to give a gift, and they don't want them to feel bad at what is supposed to be a celebration.

I must leave the thread now, and deliver the wedding gift to the couple whose wedding I attended on Saturday and FORGOT to take the gift along...

tinwhiskers

What do they drink? Because while I agree with the 'no gift means no gift' sentiment. A nice bottle of scotch, cognac, anejo tequila, etc works well, because if they are worried about space in their new place...well there's an easy fix for that.

TychoCelchuuu

Since people still seem to be going on about this, it might be at least slightly helpful to note that when I say "no gifts" I actually mean "no gifts" and if someone brought any fucking thing, whether it's a picture I'm going to have to pack and ship and unpack and hang or a bottle of scotch that I can either drink while I'm in the middle of trying to move all my shit or have to carefully transport to my new domicile or any goddamn thing, I'm not going to be thrilled. Some people just don't want stuff, and although this is a somewhat unusual sentiment in our extremely consumerist society, where expressions of care and love all have to be boiled down to "I bought you a thing" and lots of people feel some obligation to spend money on people to feel good about themselves, I think it's important to respect someone's wishes when they say they don't want stuff. Give them a card or whatever.

schuss

If you absolutely must buy something, get them a membership to something in SF they're interested in, like a museum pass etc.

Or like $200 on a Clipper (for MUNI/BART) card, because they'll sure as shit use it.

Gilbert0

When I got married, we said no gifts but did say cash/gift cards were ok. Why? We lived out of state, drove back for the wedding in our Ford Focus for a week for the wedding and then a week off for the honeymoon. We already had 2 weeks of stuff in a small car. We said this MULTIPLE times and we STILL got stuff which was so annoying to have to deal with / look after. Sure it's just a photo from you but what if every guest brought a photo? Suddenly that's a lot of stuff!

So please don't be that goose who doesn't respect the wishes of the couple. It's their day, let them enjoy/remember it how they'd like to.