Troubling situation with my best man

Noggin

I've known my best man and his wife for about 15 years, they've been married about 10. While I don't know the full details, I know that she has a history of depression and self-harm. To my knowledge it's been relatively isolated incidents over the years, and I don't know when she started.

A few days ago, his wife texted our circle of friends saying she's worried about their marriage... apparently he's been getting friendly with a female coworker, talking on the phone during his commutes, frequently going to lunch together, and even texting through nights and weekends.

She confronted him about the coworker, but said he will not stop talking to her. He said the coworker understands him. Naturally, his wife feels pushed away, to the point where he's even said he wants her to find someone else. She wants marriage counseling, and according to her has the support of both sets of parents.

We heard from him the other night that they're trying to work it out, but she sent a text the next morning still asking me to talk to him. When I reached out to him, he said the coworker is just a friend, his wife's not listening to him at all, and she's cutting again. He said he's gone through this the entire relationship, and just doesn't believe he is what she needs and can't keep doing it. He said he's trying, but it feels one-sided.

I'm really concerned for them and I'm trying to tread lightly, as I have no intention of attempting to arbitrate this matter nor influence the effect on their marriage. I didn't want to take sides, but unfortunately I think it's too late for that, because she continues to reach out to us, while he seems to be ignoring me after I expressed concern. Now I'm also doubting I'll be comfortable with him as my best man given the way he appears to be handling this situation. Which makes me feel selfish because their marriage should be their business.

I guess I'm asking... what should I even do now? I've been trying to offer comfort when she reaches out, because I don't want to upset her further but I feel like she's pulled me in too deep into their business. I don't want to pry the husband and I don't want to wait till last minute if I have to change my wedding party. Ugh.

Reverend_Chaos

......yikes. This sounds like a turd sandwhich on your least favorite bread.

Your first priority is going to be to your soon to be wife and trying to ensure that your wedding does not turn into the stage where your buddy leaves his own wife. If it were me, I would take this friend out for a drink, and I would get a couple of drinks in him and get him to loosen up so that you can get the truth out of him. It sounds like he's getting too chummy with this female co-worker, and while he might feel justified because they are "just friends" which is really just him saying "I haven't done anything wrong......(yet)".

On the other hand, if the wife is cutting, then things aren't all healthy there. Maybe the relationship is doomed, maybe it can be saved. Only the two of them can say for sure, and sometimes that is completely one sided.

Best of luck.

Noggin

Thanks, for now I'm hoping he's not mad at me and I'm wary to reach out again. Drinks would be a no-go, as he's not into it, but hopefully I can see where we stand soon.

At least the wife has told me she'll be asking her primary care physician to recommend a family therapist, so I hope she/they can find the help they need.

Usagi

Honestly, it just sounds like he was looking for someone to be just his friend, someone he could vent to without judging--because if his wife is running first to both of their parents, and then to your entire circle of friends, he's probably feeling pretty fucking cornered.

I understand and can totally empathize with her, having been in a very similar situation, but it's completely inappropriate for her to ask you to speak to him on her behalf. Asking for support, for advice, sure! But it's not your place to arbitrate, she needs to find a personal counselor and a separate marriage counselor.

Noggin

Ya, I'm having trouble believing he'd cheat or abandon his family. I know that he can be stubborn and it's plausible that he is adamantly defending just having a friend, while I don't know how much of what she's saying is exaggerated or not.

If he really, truly told her that he wants her to find someone else, that's concerning to me because it sounds like a cop out. But I don't know, and you're right, I shouldn't know.

I hadn't considered how cornered he must feel, thank you for that perspective.

NotYou

Next time his wife reaches out to you, explain that you hope for the best for both of them, but that you can't get involved without damaging your relationships.

YOU are not going fix their marriage. I don't care if you're Oprah, it's not happening.

ceres

Honestly, getting the truth out of him isn't your business. It doesn't matter if he's fucking her on every surface of their workplace three times a day, it's still not your business to pry that out of him and do anything about it.

Do not get involved. If they are involved in your wedding you guys need to decide if they're worth the risk of drama on the day, and if not make the decision now.

Really though, the guy is your best man. He must mean something to you. I wouldn't want to talk to you if I felt like everything could get back to my wife either. Just try to be there for him if he needs you, if you still care about him.

The Ender

They need professional help, not amateur hour help from a friend, however well intended. If she's cutting, she really ought to see a therapist, but that's not something you can really help with.


If it were me, I would not bring a situation that volatile into a space like a wedding - but that's a judgement call you've got to make on your own.

Noggin

Thanks for all the replies.

I ended up sending him a text to apologize for getting involved the other day. I made clear that they don't owe me any explanation and it's not my business. I'm here if he needs me for anything else.

He said he meant to talk to me but life got in the way, and wants to get together later this week to catch up in general.

Thanks again for all the advice and helping me find the words.

fightinfilipino

i do want to say, given recent events, if the wife is cutting herself and going through depression, that might deserve some intervention.

marital issues are one thing. depression is quite another. i don't suggest direct confrontation, but perhaps there is a way you can ensure she gets good help and support.