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Losing My Virginity
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Sorry about making an alt, but this is (obviously, judging by the title) a pretty sensitive subject for me.
I'm in my mid-late 20s and started dating a girl recently. We're both virgins and last weekend we decided to go ahead and try to change that. I went in expecting it to be awkward, but it managed to exceed my wildest expectations. There were a bunch of problems, in no particular order
1. I wasn't able to maintain an erection. I understand that this is sort of normal? I'm normally a really horny guy so I was a little surprised by that. She even tried giving me oral which I figured would be a sure thing, and I hadn't masturbated in several days, but it wouldn't stay up. I haven't touched myself since but even still my erection count is way down. Maybe it's still nerves?
2. We weren't able to achieve penetration. We're both on the overweight side and my penis is pretty average, but it felt like I wasn't really able to get in "deep enough." Is that a thing that can happen? We were trying missionary; is there a different position we could try that might make that easier? She was also really tight, and I had my aforementioned erection problems, so those might have had something to do with it.
3. This one's the most sensitive. I briefly went down on her and, long story short, it smelled really awful down there. Like, I had to hold my breath because if I inhaled I had to suppress my gag reflex. She was at the tail end of her period, and I'm hoping that was the cause. Would that be the cause? I can't imagine it's normal. If it isn't normal, how do I tactfully let her know that something's wrong?
Public school sex education didn't really do me any favors.
I'm in my mid-late 20s and started dating a girl recently. We're both virgins and last weekend we decided to go ahead and try to change that. I went in expecting it to be awkward, but it managed to exceed my wildest expectations. There were a bunch of problems, in no particular order
1. I wasn't able to maintain an erection. I understand that this is sort of normal? I'm normally a really horny guy so I was a little surprised by that. She even tried giving me oral which I figured would be a sure thing, and I hadn't masturbated in several days, but it wouldn't stay up. I haven't touched myself since but even still my erection count is way down. Maybe it's still nerves?
2. We weren't able to achieve penetration. We're both on the overweight side and my penis is pretty average, but it felt like I wasn't really able to get in "deep enough." Is that a thing that can happen? We were trying missionary; is there a different position we could try that might make that easier? She was also really tight, and I had my aforementioned erection problems, so those might have had something to do with it.
3. This one's the most sensitive. I briefly went down on her and, long story short, it smelled really awful down there. Like, I had to hold my breath because if I inhaled I had to suppress my gag reflex. She was at the tail end of her period, and I'm hoping that was the cause. Would that be the cause? I can't imagine it's normal. If it isn't normal, how do I tactfully let her know that something's wrong?
Public school sex education didn't really do me any favors.
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2. Doggy is often better for things like this, but experiment. Weight, skin etc. can all get in the way.
3. Yeah, it's probably period funk. Don't say anything to her, just keep track of her schedule and offer when you know she's off cycle. No need to make her feel self-conscious about something she can't really do anything about. Again, if it it's not around that time of the month and you still have issues a few times in a row (as it does take a little getting used to if you've never gone down there), try to tactfully bring it up, but note that it can be a landmine issue.
Oh, and use protection or birth control of some sort. I know you're new to this, but be careful so you can have many fun times in the future. Also masturbate less (if you're over 1 a day, it will likely impact your performance if you did it that day or the day before).
2. I haven't had too much luck with doggy style myself, but I have a big butt. I tend to find being on top (as the female) works best for me, penetration-wise, but penetration is also just about the least interesting part of sex for me.
3. It cooooould be her period, it could be that it's her period combined with not having showered that day, and it could also be that that's just kind of how she smells. It's like everything else about people: everyone is a little different in how they smell and taste. Some people have a very strong odor and that's natural for them, and others barely anything.
For example on number 3: I love giving oral... usually. Maybe 10 years ago or so I had a boyfriend I really liked, and I'd never gone down on him before, and he was nervous about it but finally let me. He was pretty happy with how it went, but... well, after that it was years before I would go down on anyone again because when he ejaculated.. well.. I'm pretty sure that must be what EVIL tastes like.
Sex ed is pretty crappy in a lot of places, especially in this country (the US), but honestly there's not way it can cover every individual situation, and so much of this stuff comes down to experience. It helps if you're always able to laugh at yourself (never laugh at the other person unless they do first omg); it just makes everything so much more pleasant.
Okay, I can kind of address this too. When something involving genitals feels scary, it can (whether consciously or otherwise) make it hard to get back to that yay place where you're ready to go again. This can be a matter of talking to her about it, of taking it slow next time, of waiting a while and giving the experience some space, or even just relaxing and not trying to psych yourself out next time.
2) Yeah, the whole "from behind" thing just doesn't seem to work for some of us. You might have better luck with missionary or female-on-top positions- do some looking and find some other simple positions that might work. Part of the fun is experimenting. I know female-on-top maximizes penetration, but I will also say not being able to keep erect might definitely had something to do with it.
3) Yeah, you don't have enough info to go on if she smells or not. It might have been the period, it might have been something else. Try it again when she's not on it, and see if that changes anything.
The thing is, though, you don't have to go all the way to penetration every time if you don't feel like it- if it stresses the both of you out that much, stick to using hands or mouths for a while. Do things like shower together, get comfortable with the idea of seeing each other close to or completely naked. Sex is more than penis-in-vagina, you know. Go as far as you both feel comfortable, and play around a bit. Find out what works for the two of you, and have fun doing it! Sex is about being close to and having fun with your partner or partners, there's no sense stressing out about it!
If the idea of penetration stresses you out, do other things! Work up to it, relax, and if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen! Don't let it get to you, it'll happen when it happens, and you're both ready for it to happen.
I hate to be that guy, but you DO have a plan in place in case of emergency, correct? Pills and condoms are good (though they ought to have spermicide in them!), but if something does happen, how accessible is a Plan B? Figuring out that will save a lot of anxiety and grief in case it happens, and they WILL happen. Knowing that you're covered in case of uh-oh, instead of getting a call because she missed her period and all the unwanted drama that would bring, might help you both relax.
I can has cheezburger, yes?
I'm sure that time and getting more comfortable around each other will solve almost all of this. Also, starting really slow and letting it build might be to your advantage. As corny as it sounds, if you start off by giving her a slow, thorough massage, and then work your way into the sexy stuff, that could be a way to go. I would invest in some lube, and don't be afraid of toys, either–I don't know what particular kind of virgin she is, but maybe she has an arsenal of toys that are confirmed to work for her? Or maybe she doesn't, and you can find some together. There are lots of different kinds of sex, and as great as PIV is, maybe using toys on each other will help you get to know what you each like more, and acclimate to being naked and vulnerable around each other without as much pressure to perform.
Also, I don't know your specific situation, so maybe this is out of the question, but having a (single) drink beforehand (not enough to make you lose sensation or compromise anyone's ability to consent, obviously), or if you live in a state where it is legal, having just a little bit of weed could help significantly with the relaxation part. I wouldn't make a habit of it (well, actually, I would definitely make a habit of weed sex if I could), but it might help ease your nerves the first couple times.
And I don't know how much reading you've both done on sex and sexuality from sources that know what they're talking about (i.e. not porn/cosmo/50 shades of bullshit/etc.), but I have a couple of other unasked-for pieces of advice that I'm going to put out there just in case:
-The odds of her having an orgasm from the penetration alone are very low, and the odds of you being able to impart orgasms unto her by yourself are also not totally great. If she isn't already, she should get comfortable with doing what she needs to do to climax while you're doing what you need to. Hopefully she has ten years of mastubation under her belt at this point and is just ready to add a partner to the mix.
-Sex can still be totally great and fulfilling even if someone (no one?) orgasms. Her pleasure should definitely be a priority, but a lot of guys make the mistake of putting too much pressure on women to orgasm, and end up consistently giving a woman session after session of shrieking, mindblowing, completely fake orgasms. DO be open to and engaging with any guidance she has on what she likes/wants, but DON'T make her orgasms (or lack thereof) about you and put a lot of focus on them. Be attentive, but never hound someone about whether they came/but I really want you to/your pleasure is just so important to me/what if I do this/what about this/fine I guess we can just go to sleep but I'll continue to pout about this every time you fail to validate me by showing me you had an orgasm. So many guys think they are being sensitive when they're being that guy, but you very seriously don't want to be that guy.
-Have you talked to her about this experience yet? If you can't communicate with your partner about the sex you're having, there's a good chance it will never hit it's full potential. I would start practicing being a communicative lover NOW, because it will be a very valuable skill in all future relationships.
And as to the smell, I wouldn't act on that now, but if you keep going for a few weeks and you're comfortable together and it's all going well but you're still refraining from vomiting into her vagina by sheer force of will, I actually think there is SOME room to bring up an accommodation. I've definitely had boyfriends who made a special effort to ensure any part of their body that was going in my mouth would get a quick spongebath after a long, sweaty day, and I think it's totally possible (if awkward) to be like "hey! I love you and I love oral, but I feel sometimes doing this all after a long day maybe means we're both not at our freshest–do you think we could just pop in the shower real quick beforehand?" It might make you seem a little OCD, and if she is really sensitive it might offend her, but if you're both mature and open communicators, I would hope you could come to an agreement about it.
Also, you never know. If I never received oral for the rest of my life, I'd be pretty fine with that. Maybe once you figure out what you both like, it'll become a non-issue.
Good luck, and sorry for the novel!
Plan B works by delaying ovulation. If she's taking the pill correctly she shouldn't be ovulating (plus Plan B may not be reliable for heavier women anyway).
Best time to get your dirty on is definitely right after a shower, and stress is a big boner-killer.
Bonus protip - really easy way to get deep as you physically can - have her lie on her side with the bottom leg straight and the top leg tucked up. Straddle her bottom leg and drill baby drill!
Good luck in future man, it gets easier and more fun as you go, remember to try and be better every time.
If after, some condoms can leave a pretty nasty smell AND taste around. I've had to tough it out a couple times in that situation just to be fair, and it's absolutely not a pleasant thing sometimes.
If that wasn't the problem, and it's like that consistently... then you might need to find a way to bring it up to her later, but for now it was a one time thing.
However, I know how much of a blow it can be to have these kinds of problems - When my girlfriend and I first started having sex, I was having trouble achieving erection, and then achieving orgasm as well. She was super cool about it, tried to make sure I knew that it wasn't a problem and my performance was fine, but it still wrecked my confidence, which made the problem worse for quite some time.
Eventually it got better. I have no problems with achieving erection, and while orgasm is still hard to achieve, we find ways around it and we're quite satisfied.
Try to remember that a) you're not alone and that this is SUPER common so you're not broken, b) if she was into you enough to lose her virginity to you, she's most likely into you enough to try it again, and c) worrying about it will not solve the problem, but instead make it worse. Thinking about it gives it power.
While I also agree that you might not want to broach the topic of how she smelled, I do think that if your problem achieving and keeping erection persists, you should talk to her about it. Might be that she can dissolve a lot of the things you might be nervous about.
For the smell, may I suggest shower sex? It's kinky and its nice not to have to reach that spot behind your shoulder blades.
*Disclaimer: Not all things done on porn is acceptable or realistic in real sex. Having a set of ground rules sometimes is important.
The most important thing to keep in mind is to approach all this with a sense of play and fun as you figure out your ish, rather than a mounting sense of panic or something.
Many men are able to keep erections with condoms, but maybe a female condom might be a better fit for you. (Edit: well not on you, on them, haha.) They can be a bit odd, but they're a great solution for latex allergies and erection difficulties!
OP, to give you an idea I took my husband's virginity. He was so nervous, he couldn't maintain an erection or even think about ejaculation. As a sexually experienced person, I felt really bad about it. He even said it had hurt a bit. You certainly aren't alone in bad first times. As people on the larger side, we particularly like him on his knees with my ankles on his shoulders. I've known others who preferred doggy, but the person behind can't have much stomach or the person on their knees can't have much bottom.
One word of warning about shower sex: make sure you're matching heights. It can be frustrating if you aren't, and you don't want to slip! But a bonus for shower tomfoolery: you could offer to wash her bits as a bit of foreplay, then go to the bedroom and chow down. That way you see to it that things are nice and clean without a potentially awkward conversation. (Also medications can change smell and taste, depending on the person--but I can absolutely say that period funk is a likely culprit.)
1) I don't know much about keeping erections, but I've had a partner with this issue before. The best would probably be to try and not get nervous, since she doesn't have expirience either maybe thinking about that can calm you a little. If you can't really calm down which is understandable, maybe doing a little more foreplay can help. Making out, and caressing I found really helped my then partner calm down and relax. A thing that helps me is try watching porn in advance but don't finish, leave yourself really "needy" that's helped me get going before.
2) Try a cowgirl position if possible, this might help.
3) I wouldn't suggest telling her at all, that could make her really self conscious. Maybe you guys should try around a different time of the month. Also maybe she won't mind you not doing it. I know that even if I like pleasing my partner like this, I really don't like it being done to me. (Edit: I was reading other advice on this thread and shower foreplay sounds like a good idea.)
I'm sorry if this is kind of short, it's just advice based solely on personal experiences. Hope it helps, and good luck!
I still had difficulty reaching orgasm, but maybe I'm just too used to my own hand? When she was playing with me, I got that sort of ache that I think guys call blue balls, but I didn't feel like I was going to orgasm any time soon.
Anyway, just wanted to give you all an update and say thanks again.
Another thing. I am not a female but, stretching herself out? Don't think that works the way she is expecting. Best bet is to use foreplay for as long as you both need each time.
Good luck!
This may seem odd, but some people don't know or realize they have to wash down there as often as they should, or even at all, possibly because they've never told as such and haven't put any thought into it. If it's not a period issue or other possibly medical issues (such as yeast infections which can make it smell like death down there, which can also be signs of poor hygiene) then I'm going to say it's just plain ol' dirty privates and she needs to fix this. Be gentle because this is a very sensitive subject, but don't pussyfoot around the issue or it may not ever get fixed.
I'd go with something like "I know I don't have any experience with this, but when I was down there it didn't smell and/or taste what I'd imagine was correct. I care for you, and I want our physical activities to continue and be enjoyable for both of us in all aspects, so lets figure this out together."
Bonus points: If you two can talk about this and get the issue resolved satisfactorily for both of you then you'll have a much higher than average communication level within your relationship.
It's also possible he just doesn't like the smell of vagina. I'm also not a huge fan, but it's one of the things we put up with for the greater good.
That said, her diet can effect how she smells.
I don't expect someone to do it with me if I'm all smelly and gross. In fact, I prefer to not add any weird smells to the foolin' around time if I can possibly help it.
Sounds like you two are communicating well enough so far, so just keep that up and everything will work out. Communication is always always the key.
Nerves can play a huge part of this. Medicine is also a potentially huge problem, but I am guessing you know that. Once you are comfortable fooling around it should be on. I remember for the longest time I couldn't orgasm with my wife because there was a lot of emotion due to stuff we shall say. Condoms can also cause a problem.
I was in the same boat as you not too long ago, so I'll second that everything is sounding normal. Actually this topic is making me better because unlike you, I was too anxious to even look up what I should expect. I think there may be some mental conditioning involved with masturbating the same way every time, and this might be the first time it's been different for you in a long time. Also, she may just not be particularly great at stimulating you...yet! Give her some guidance (more pressure, probably?) and remember you may be frustratingly off the mark for her too, so ask for her input! Ask her to add her hand to the mix if she isn't.
You need lubrication for penetration. If things are dry you might mistake that sensation as being tight. Is she getting wet herself? Her nerves may be affecting her too...
Also the combination of not being fully hard means you should probably not take any lessons from that first experience. Missionary is good for depth and accessibility.
I will tell you the smell thing isn't something I've had a problem with. There's a smell, but usually I don't find it offensive at all. Sometimes it can be a little...acrid, I guess, but still not a problem. It is summer though, and we all sweat. You might be able to inoffensively mention that things seem a bit...sweaty down there (whether or not that's the problem) and that might spur some hygiene changes.
You'll get the kinks worked out. After my first time, I didn't even feel like masturbating for probably close to two weeks (unheard of in the years prior for me!). I wonder if it was a hormones thing? Anyways, things are back to normal now.
It doesn't, that's an unfortunately often misogynistic myth.
The vagina is a tubular muscle with an epithelial layer over smooth muscle tissue over connective tissue. Most of the tightness comes from the muscle. It takes a few times (or at least, did last time this was relevant for me) to get used to how sex works and relaxed and comfortable and really in control of your body. So playing around with her body while trying to figure stuff out might work - but only because she's getting used to having things in there and being comfortable with the idea. The vagina itself isn't going to become stretched out unless the muscle is somehow ruined which is... I mean, I'm not a doctor but I don't think that's a thing.
Unfortunately, we broke up yesterday so it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Thanks for the advice, everyone, I'm sure I'll find it helpful in the future at least. You can go ahead and lock this thread, I guess.