Divorce and the joys of life.

Dreadclaymore

Hey guys, I've been a lurker for quite some time and since things are about to change very drastically for me I thought it would be a good time to start being a bit more social in regards to things.

Long story short I'm 24, no kids and about to go through a divorce that I didn't see coming.

We had been together for six years(Married only one of those years), since she was 17 and I was 18, the worst part of all this is that she was my first relationship, so I am being hit twice here.
Essentially we both came down with the flu, as in the proper flu, not just a cold and she was sent to hospital while I was relegated to a vegetable in my bed.
I was in bed with a huge temperature and was in and out of consciousness on my own at home while she was at hospital, roughly 12 hours later I wake up to her calling and she mentions that I didn't
call anyone to check on her and she wasn't very happy about that but she would be home after she spent some time at her grandmother's getting better, which I didn't think much of and just said no worries
that's understandable please get better.

Fast forward a few days and I've seen the doctor twice, lost 15 kg's and feeling like death, she texts me and mentions that after she is better, she will be staying with her grandmother until she loses some more
weight (She has had a problem with excess weight for at least 5 years now), which could be at least a month or two. I say to her that I am in a bad way and this has blind sided me and that I needed time to
think before I talked about it as I fear I may have nothing nice to say and don't want to be a dick because I am in a bad state of mind being sick etc.

Move on another two days and she texts me saying that I'm stone walling her and she wants me to let it all out even if I call her a bitch etc. etc. so I tell her that I feel abandoned and that she has left me
to look after myself in our home alone and that I need some support. She seems ok with it all and all is well, we chat a bit about random stuff all good.

Another few days, she tells me she loves me but is not "in love with me" as she was missing me going through our photo's but after the last txt I sent about being home alone that I pushed her away and it
killed any feelings she had left to give me, this freaks me out and I'm trying to salvage whats going on, she brings up the last year and says I've been lazy etc. and I say I want to go to counseling (I have suggested this
in the past) and work though our issues as we have only been married for a year and it would be worth working on things first.
She asks for some time to work on herself etc. before making things permanent.

Another few days we are talking via facebook about things and I ask her if she feels that this is a real separation or a trial one as she has changed her relationship status, she says that it's real, we have a talk and I accept
tearfully that this is real and it's time to move on, I ask her about who get's what, finances etc. and she breaks down and says she can't talk about this and she can't stand never seeing me again and that she
wants to work on things and if I will meet with her later tonight to talk.

We meet up to talk that night, she get's everything off her chest, I go over what I need if we work on this and we both agree to a date night once a week to take things really slow, we agree that we will send
relationship related things like articles about trial separation etc via email and tend to them when we can and any financial or important details we will txt (This was all on last Tuesday.)

Over the coarse of the next few days, I send some txts regarding payment of the car loan that she agreed to pay off since she drives it etc. and a few emails with links to some info about trial separation
and what questions to ask prior to getting a divorce etc. She sends back an email saying that she can do an early dinner on this Thursday for a date.

Yesterday I send her an email saying that I've been feeling good about myself and that while I am scared about us drifting apart I still want to try patch things up.
Tonight she sends me a txt saying that "We aren't going to make this work are we?" , she says shes going to pick up her stuff, pack up etc. while I'm at work tomorrow and that's that.
I ask if I can call and finalize everything since she seems to have given up on things and I can't change her mind, I call her and she seems really bitter and angry at me, maybe my
tone was dickish or something I don't know tbh but we argue for a bit and then that's that.

I have Un-friended her from facebook, deleted all the pictures I have on my phone and computer, taken off my ring etc. etc.

I just want to move on and this is the first time I have ever been through any of this and I can't stop looking back and trying to figure out what I have done wrong and how I could
have stopped all this from happening, I told her that I would be willing to work on anything that may have caused problems but she just didn't care.

I'm thinking about seeing a psychologist, I was seeing one for anxiety problems a year back that I managed to sort through but I think that this might cause a back slide on
a lot of those issues.

Thankfully my mother has offered her spare room rent free for as long as I want, sadly I don't really know anyone now as our friends were hers and I never felt the need
to have my own at the time, whoops.

How do I stop thinking about getting back together?
When do I get back out there especially after my first being 6 years long?
How do I cope when I go somewhere that we used to go and I feel awful?
What do I do when I withdraw into myself and don't feel like being social?
How can I avoid feeling sorry for myself and thinking I'll be forever alone?

I believe that even through all the pain that I am going through right now that I can be a better person without her but it's really hard to think about the future
when before it was filled with having kids and all that fun stuff, now it just seems so bleh.

I know that going to see a professional will help with these questions but as I have no friends to really go through this with I would really love some outside opinions
on the whole thing.

tldr: I'm about to embark to the wonderful world of divorce town after a six year relationship with my first love, help.

MrTLicious

I can't imagine what it would be like to compound the grief of the first separation with that of someone I've been with for six years. Definitely see a psychologist. If you are already dealing with anxiety issues any added stress, and this is a lot of stress, is going to exacerbate. It will also help to have a physical person to talk to, and I would talk to your mother as much as you can about how you're feeling if you feel at all comfortable doing so. I'm not saying internet friends are worthless, but you've lost a very physical part of your life, and you need to be reminded that that part of your life is not over. You are not relegated to here.

This part is going to be a bit hard to swallow. You need to take a hard look at what you've actually lost. It sounds insensitive, I know, but bear with me. If a relationship has gotten to the point of divorce, it's typically not been that great for a while, even if you haven't realized it. Our brains have a way of reconciling the reality of our situation with our perceptions. The real reasons that breakups, especially divorces, hurt usually fall into one or more of a few categories:

* Inadequacy (what's wrong with me?)
* Embarrassment (how can I face others in the midst of an apparent failure?)
* Shattered illusion of stability (The bond I have imagined with this person didn't truly exist)
* Feelings of unrecoverable loss (How can i ever do X again?)

All of these, though, are unfounded. Everyone has failed relationships, and the people that love you will continue to do so beyond this stage of life. There's nothing lost that is unrecoverable, especially since you're so young. You're going to have to work for it, which sucks, but it's out there. You're no worse off than all the other single twenty-somethings who haven't found someone, or the married twenty-somethings that have for that matter. Right now, you're just in a vacuum, but that void is a creative destruction. It's where you get to define your life, your wants, and your needs. I'm not saying you can revel in it, but you can be productive with it.

Unfortunately, there's also a more insidious truth which is that relationships essentially act like drugs to the brain, and you are now going through a very literal withdrawal. You are experiencing cravings which cannot be sated, and this leads to dysphoria. This will fade, though, in time. You can try distracting yourself but the efficacy of that is low. Mild exercise (only slightly more than you regularly do) I think has actually been shown to reduce the duration of this stage, but I could be wrong on that. In any case, it's going to be good for your overall health and happiness so it's as good a time as any.

The bad feelings will fade with time. You have to power to withstand it. It will get better.

spaboolly

If the end of your marriage was played out over text messages, and you even feel the need to mention "unfriending" her on Facebook, I seriously doubt that relationship was ever headed for a happily ever after. Accept it and move on. Learn your lessons. Grow up a bit more. Take time to get to know yourself as an independent person. Then you will be better prepared for any future relationships.

ceres

spaboolly wrote: »

If the end of your marriage was played out over text messages, and you even feel the need to mention "unfriending" her on Facebook, I seriously doubt that relationship was ever headed for a happily ever after. Accept it and move on. Learn your lessons. Grow up a bit more. Take time to get to know yourself as an independent person. Then you will be better prepared for any future relationships.

This was kind of my thought. I was in a long-distance marriage (3500 miles apart) for a year and even we did out breakup over the phone.

I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but this does not sound like it could possibly have been particularly functional in the first place. I'm sure it feels like a tremendous loss, but I have a feeling that in about six months or so it's going to feel more like a weight lifted.

Dreadclaymore

Thank you all for the replies I really appreciate you taking the time to help out.

I've had a chat with my mother etc. about it and my family all seem, while sad that I'm hurting, fairly happy about this for the most part,
they all have said they think this is for the best, which to be honest would have been nice to know a few years back but these things happen.

She has said that while things can't work out I have been a very special person to her and she wants to keep in contact even once things
are finalized, which I don't think I can do and have made her aware that I don't think I could move on that way and she wasn't too happy
about that at all.

The reason I mentioned un-friending on facebook was because a few people have mentioned to me in the past that after their break up
the temptation to stalk their ex's status really stopped them moving forward.

I know though that this relationship had a lot of trouble from the start, she was very abusive physically and mentally during the first
two years of the relationship and even now still suffers from (What my unprofessional opinion assumes) undiagnosed depression and
she has admitted to having bad anger problems.

Since our finances are tied up and she doesn't have a job at the moment I'm paying all the bills at this stage and as I live in Australia,
I'm not sure if it's the same all over but since our marriage was for less than two years we need the courts permission to apply
for divorce without seeing a court assigned counselor.

I think I am going to struggle with the idea that six years wasn't worth even just trying a session or two of counseling to get some
perspective but on the same token so long as I come out of this a better person who can take the lessons I have learned from this
and apply them next time then I'll be happy.

Usagi

Go get the counseling yourself. I know you'd hoped to do it as a couple, but it sounds like you have some stuff to work through that a counselor could really help you with

Inx

How do I stop thinking about getting back together?

Hobbies. Find a few that you really like and work on them anytime you start down that path. It's a potentially very unhealthy thought process, and hobbies are a great counter as they're good, productive uses of your time that give you pleasure and satisfaction. When I was working through the worst of my inadequacy issues and self-doubt, I spent a lot of time painting tabletop minis. It took my mind off of myself and simultaneously proved that I had SOME talent somewhere in me.

When do I get back out there especially after my first being 6 years long?

When you're ready. No sooner, no later. Sadly, this is a subjective thing. If it feels like you're forcing it, it's too soon. You're still super young, I promise. Spending some time on yourself, even a couple of years, will not mean the end of the world.

How do I cope when I go somewhere that we used to go and I feel awful?

This is the hardest one, and frankly it's a matter of self-control and temperance. You have to refuse to think about the memories that you have in those places and instead focus on forming new memories that will make you happy when you go to those places. This may take some time. Be patient with yourself.

What do I do when I withdraw into myself and don't feel like being social?

You're allowed to be sad and alone sometimes. But not all the time. Force yourself to be social sometimes when you don't want to, because while it may be hard at first, by the end of the evening you'll be glad you did it. Don't be lenient with yourself. Keep pushing because your life is worth the effort. Don't be sad and alone unless you absolutely cannot cope, and even then let it have its time, and then pass. Never spend more than one evening at a time indulging in this sort of behavior because it's like a drug. It's addictive and poisonous.

How can I avoid feeling sorry for myself and thinking I'll be forever alone?

Take care of yourself, physically and psychologically. See the psychologist again. Get up in the morning. Cook for yourself just because you're a grown-ass man and you're totally capable of making the best damn burger anyone has ever tasted. Get started on those hobbies and find people who also enjoy them. Do those hobbies with those people. Go to places with those people because now they are your friends.

The only people who are forever alone are the ones who give up on themselves and on the people around them, who are unwilling to take a leap of faith for their own betterment, and who are unable to make a drastic move our of their comfort zone when the chips are down. The world seems huge and mean and frightening when you're down and out like this, but it's more like Clifford the Big Red Dog. It wants to be friends.

If there's two things I want you to take from this post, it's these:
1) Hobbies. HOBBIES HOBBIES HOBBIES. Idle hands are the devil's playground.
2) Psychologist. You see a doctor when your joints hurt, when your lungs hurt, why wouldn't you see a doctor when your heart hurts, when your mind hurts? Wellness is more than a physical thing.

Dreadclaymore

Thanks again all for the support it really helps.

I will be seeing the GP this week to set up a "mental health plan" which allows me 6 rebated sessions with the psychologist I saw for my anxiety, that way he understands what my underlying issues are and can
tackle all these issues head on and hopefully run some of them off before I form bad habits again.

I will be officially moving out of our place on Friday and into my mothers spare room, even thought there are some memories there I think it will be good to be outside of "ground zero".

I really just want to move on and it sucks feeling like my brain is so many steps behind the rest of me but I guess i just need to go easy on myself and accept that even if she doesn't see this as a big deal
for me it's really hard, I'm trying to just work through my emotions with family until I can see my DR and get a professional opinion on all of this and while I know I will probably never understand
why or how someone could just drop everything after only a year of marriage I accept that both of us ended up here because both of us made mistakes, small or big, they all added up to cause this.

I'm going to find a gym near my mothers and open up a membership so I can get back to it, I lost a lot of weight while being bed ridden and then I have lost some more from all the stress on top of that,
I will be looking around for some MMA classes locally as well, I did try to get in contact with some of our mutual friends that used to hang out with myself primarily but they just seem to flake out
at the last minute or just not get back to me so while I find it hard I'm coming to the acceptance that I will need to literally re-forge my life.

Prime

It'll hurt, it'll suck, you'll get angry and you'll get sad, you'll eventually get happy then for no reason you'll get angry/sad again. After all of that though you WILL be OK. (If your curious just check my own post I started back in May, but I know what I'm talking about).

Surround yourself with friends and family, take each day as it comes, let yourself feel anything you want to feel and eventually you'll work it all out, and yeah hobbies,interests and friends to hang with are a god send.

darkmayo

I was in the same boat as you around the same age, wasn't married but it was a 6 year relationship.

I was mopey, didn't want to go out, I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I drank a lot and ended up losing 30 pounds in like a month. (only time that kind of weight loss has happened for me was when I had H1N1)

Things you need to do is break off contact with them, hearing about what they are doing does not help your state of mind, especially if what they are doing is someone else.

Talk to a councilor, helped me a ton, helped me identify the mental loops I would continually go through (anger at her, sadness, wanting to be nice to her to try and "fix" it, then back to anger again when reality hit me back in the face, rinse repeat)

Spend time with your friends, DO go out, it helps keeps your mind busy.

If you do go out, don't be adverse to having a fling, as they say "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" just play safe and realize that you are likely not in the mental state to have a relationship at this point, don't lead people on and let partners know that you are fresh from a break up.

If for whatever reason, rumpy pumpy with new people isn't your thing then pickup hobbies spend time with people and work on feeling good about you. Work on repairing the damage done to your ego and self esteem.

It gets better, it does take time you will look back at this period and it wont have been fond memories but the pain fades.

Its been 10 years since my breakup. I am married, my ex is married I have met her husband, she has met my wife. We aren't best friends or anything but we are fine when we do run into each other and we both want the other to be happy and have a good life.