Role models sought for unusual relationship

Kashaar

Hello all!

Let me describe the situation. My best friend is in a serious relationship with my ex-girlfriend. It ended pretty chaotically between me and her about 2 years ago, and we haven't really spoken since. Now, through him, I see her occasionally. Let me be clear here that I don't have any problems with their relationship, in fact I think he is probably a better fit for a relationship with her than I was. Besides, I'm pretty good at moving on. But while I don't expect things to ever be completely free from awkwardness when the three of us are in the same room, it recently occurred to me that I have no idea what "normal" looks like in such a situation.

So, my question is: does anyone know of any role models I could draw on from fiction, TV, or history, who have/had to deal with a similar situation? Would appreciate any stories you have to share, as well.

Shivahn

Why exactly are you looking for what is "normal?" Especially in our culture, normality with respect to romance and especially exes is kiiiiiiind of fucked up.

If everyone is doing well and there isn't a buildup of pain from some party, then you are doing it right regardless of what is normal for others.

BouwsT

This situation is only going to be as awkward as you make it. If you're cool/comfortable with them, then the only one who could possibly feel weird is her and you can't really control that.

bsjezz

i wouldn't seek fictional representations of how to act in these circumstances, as largely they'll be constructed with one priority: "drama"

a lot of social group dynamics are awkward to begin with. it's usually just a matter of acclimatising yourself with it until it's comfortable and rewarding. if it continually feels strained and uncomfortable, that's when you move on and find different people to spend time with

Julius

bsjezz wrote: »

i wouldn't seek fictional representations of how to act in these circumstances, as largely they'll be constructed with one priority: "drama"

While I agree that fiction is not the best place to find shit I think there are probably examples of it being dealt with constructively. Not all drama is drama-drama and the issue is probably dealt with in a relatively ok way somewhere. There is probably an episode of Friends about this.


That said yeah man just try to be cool. Friends of mine had a relationship with the same girl and after the initial weirdness passed there was no problem. If you don't make a big deal out of it and just treat them the same way as you did before it shouldn't be an issue. My friends are fine and the only ribbing I give them (because I'm an incredible dick) is over the fact that the girl turned towards other girls afterwards. The fact that they dated the same girl isn't even an issue or thing or whatever. But as I said I'm an incredible dick and they don't have any beef. Don't worry too much about it is my advice.

Also the usual problem in fiction in these situations is the third party having a problem with the relationship or one of the parties. You indicate that you don't have a problem so that's basically already way better than many fictional characters handle it.

Kashaar

Yeah, it's not that big of a deal for me, but I just kind of realized that some orientation would be nice to have. What I mean by "normal" is a mode of behavior that allows the status quo to continue without challenging it. [*]

I'm cool with the situation, he's cool with it too (after initially feeling the need to sort of "protect me" from this truth, which I could thankfully talk him out of quickly), she's... uncomfortable with it. I guess I'm also wondering how I can make this easier on her, given that there is a lot of unaired laundry between us, which is unlikely to ever be cleared out.

This is slightly complicated I suppose by the fact that when we broke up I told her to please not start anything with him, heh.

[*] This is tangential, but:

I'm fond of the mental model that with every social action, that is, every time you do something in interaction with other people, you either challenge or confirm the status quo of the present relationships. Assent or dissent with the way things are presented.

MegaMan001

I don't think that diving into fictional characters is a really good way to deal with something like this. Also, like in pretty much every social situation, there isn't a real 'normal'.

Look, man. You're either okay with your best friend dating your ex, or your not. Being okay with the situation involves a lot of things, foremost is recognizing that while you and your ex didn't work out that doesn't disqualify her from finding happiness with someone else. Hell, it was two years ago. A lot of important stuff can change in two years.

You're not alone in your worries about handling the situation. I, myself, have deal with situations where two former ex girlfriends went on to date and marry guys in my circle of friends. Even though both of my relationships with these girls flames out in a spectacular fashion, it still stung because "Why not me?" sort of a thing. After a while you recognize all of the reasons it didn't work out - or wouldn't work out - and you learn to be happy for people when it does.

I don't know if that really helps, but I sure as hell don't think reading short stories about the situation is going to get you any further.

Kashaar

Heh Megaman, you're misreading me there. I am ok with it. I'm happier now than I ever was in that relationship, and I sincerely wish her happiness, and him too, and I find the whole thing pretty adorable most of the time. When someone you care about is made happy, how can you not emphasize? That genuinely makes me smile :-) That is not my problem - in fact, the only problem is that I don't know of any examples of people from history or fiction that have had and dealt with a similar situation in a way that I would agree with, and I was wondering if anyone else did.

I guess the reason why I would like examples of role models in this situation is because I feel like society and culture expect me to be resentful or disapprove, which I'm not and I don't. I'm comfortable on the far side of normal, but it would nevertheless be nice to have counterexamples to the dominant narrative to draw upon.

MegaMan001

You're okay with how your life has turned out and the changes that have happened, but you want fictional examples of people not feeling that way as a counter example because you think society and culture demand a different response?

Uh, Othello?

garroad_ran

I suppose I should reiterate that fictional characters are not a good reference blah blah blah.

But in answer to your actual question, maybe Seinfeld? Jerry and Elaine were able to continue on as friends after their failed relationship, and throughout the series I believe they each date mutual acquaintances several times.

Kashaar

MegaMan001 wrote: »

You're okay with how your life has turned out and the changes that have happened, but you want fictional examples of people not feeling that way as a counter example because you think society and culture demand a different response?

Uh, Othello?

No the opposite - examples of people also feeling that way.

Kashaar

garroad_ran wrote: »

I suppose I should reiterate that fictional characters are not a good reference blah blah blah.

But in answer to your actual question, maybe Seinfeld? Jerry and Elaine were able to continue on as friends after their failed relationship, and throughout the series I believe they each date mutual acquaintances several times.

Thanks, haven't actually seen that show. As for the first line, yes, I know - but they give some insight into what writers think would be a way to handle certain situations. Behavior of fictional characters is always mediated through the culture and society of the writers who created them - depending on the skill and personality of the writer, that can be either a good or a bad thing

Rodjir

Ok I've got a role-model for you and this one might be a long shot. Liara from Mass Effect. Stay with me. If you have a relationship with her in the first game and then move on to someone else later, she handles it with perfect grace and emotional content.

Inquisitor77

Just give it time. You seem to have the rational part well sorted, so it'll probably just take time to adjust to the new roles and let old feelings subside. Really, your friend is still your friend, and now you can think of your ex as either a friend or part of your extended social circle. That's it. Don't make it any more complicated than it has to be.

If it was just your friend and his girlfriend, then there wouldn't be any issues (beyond the normal "third wheel" stuff). Just revert back to that template if you ever feel like things are getting out of hand. Honestly, there will only be as much drama as you let happen.

Gnizmo

It sounds like the woman in this situation is feeling awkward and creating a sort of tension? Have you tried just talking to her about it? I have been in some really weird social situations in my time. I have found talking to be person directly about it resolves a lot of things quickly, especially in relation to unaired dirty hanging over everyone's head. Have you tried just talking to her and saying your cool with it, you are happy for them, the past is gone so let's just be cool?

Bloodycow

Seinfeld?

Tomanta

Inquisitor77 wrote: »

Just give it time. You seem to have the rational part well sorted, so it'll probably just take time to adjust to the new roles and let old feelings subside. Really, your friend is still your friend, and now you can think of your ex as either a friend or part of your extended social circle. That's it. Don't make it any more complicated than it has to be.

If it was just your friend and his girlfriend, then there wouldn't be any issues (beyond the normal "third wheel" stuff). Just revert back to that template if you ever feel like things are getting out of hand. Honestly, there will only be as much drama as you let happen.

This. It's going to take time before everyone is comfortable, but just roll with it and try not to do anything to make it awkward, and if something awkward does come up just try to ignore it.

Djeet

The only thing I might actively do here (with respect to your ex) is say something like "hey I know I asked you not to start up a relationship with my friend, and I felt how I felt back when I said that, but I want you to know it's OK, I don't have any problems with you 2 going out, and I hope the best for both of you, and I don't want you thinking I got problems with you 2". I'm assuming here that she has some discomfort due to your having asked her not to be with him. But you should only say that if you mean it.

You don't need a role model. Just be cool and you're fine.

Even if everyone is cool with everything, sometimes some time just needs to pass before everyone feels self-conscious.


I was the other dude in this situation, and I felt like he avoided me for too long. I didn't care, and felt embarrassed for him when he apologized to me for some stuff. In my opinion it wasn't my business. Circumstances differ of course, but I see no model for behavior other than not meddling and not being an ass.