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Bro trouble...
buckarf
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So...this is a bit lengthy and I apologize in advance...but:
I have a twin brother I moved in with almost a year ago. When I first moved in, everything was fine. We would share responsibilities (he would cook, I would clean, ect.) For quite some months now, however, I can't get him to do ANYTHING around the apartment! Everything is a mess and he doesn't bother cooking now either. If anything gets done around here, it's b/c I'VE done it. I'm super embarrassed at having people come over - even my boyfriend and he already knows how messy my brother is. We have a one bedroom apt and I get the bedroom being the girl and all....whilst he sleeps in the living area on a quite comfy futon - and the mess is taking over!
I know living in the area we live in, women are expected to clean and keep up the housework....but...well....I'm not really that type. If he needs to clean up, it should be HIS responsibility. He goes to school when he feels like it and doesn't work. I'm taking 16 hrs, working AND trying to keep stuff in order. He sleeps most of the day and doesn't do much else, really. We're 23 yrs old and I'm thinking, "Good god, man...get your shit together." I've talked to him about it before, but to no avail. I've asked him nicely to clean up after himself, and to that, he usually changes the subject or goes off making jokes and stuff like that. I don't want to scream at him or anything like that...because...well...that's kind of pointless. I won't get through to him and it'll just cause tension between the two of us.
I've also tried to just clean up after him w/o mentioning anything to him....but I got tired of that after a few days and didn't want him to think that I'm gonna Mommy-up just for him.
I'm in quite a dilemma here. I don't know how to approach him w/o possibly turning our discussion into an argument.
PA - HELP!
I have a twin brother I moved in with almost a year ago. When I first moved in, everything was fine. We would share responsibilities (he would cook, I would clean, ect.) For quite some months now, however, I can't get him to do ANYTHING around the apartment! Everything is a mess and he doesn't bother cooking now either. If anything gets done around here, it's b/c I'VE done it. I'm super embarrassed at having people come over - even my boyfriend and he already knows how messy my brother is. We have a one bedroom apt and I get the bedroom being the girl and all....whilst he sleeps in the living area on a quite comfy futon - and the mess is taking over!
I know living in the area we live in, women are expected to clean and keep up the housework....but...well....I'm not really that type. If he needs to clean up, it should be HIS responsibility. He goes to school when he feels like it and doesn't work. I'm taking 16 hrs, working AND trying to keep stuff in order. He sleeps most of the day and doesn't do much else, really. We're 23 yrs old and I'm thinking, "Good god, man...get your shit together." I've talked to him about it before, but to no avail. I've asked him nicely to clean up after himself, and to that, he usually changes the subject or goes off making jokes and stuff like that. I don't want to scream at him or anything like that...because...well...that's kind of pointless. I won't get through to him and it'll just cause tension between the two of us.
I've also tried to just clean up after him w/o mentioning anything to him....but I got tired of that after a few days and didn't want him to think that I'm gonna Mommy-up just for him.
I'm in quite a dilemma here. I don't know how to approach him w/o possibly turning our discussion into an argument.
PA - HELP!
buckarf on
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He's dead weight that's dragging you down, as much as he is your brother and you love him you'll teach him the valuable lesson of life isn't a free ride and he needs to do shit in order to live rather than mooching off other people with good hearts.
Satans..... hints.....
so we take turns paying the rent.
I'm working as a workstudy-student so I don't get paid enough to sustain myself alone
I do love my brother dearly, but some of the things he does drive me NUTS. Like not taking an extra 3 steps to throw trash away, but rather leaving it there where he stands.....blah.
Because if he's paying the rent, you probably won't have much success getting him to clean up.
But if you guys are splitting it or he's freeloading, then yeah, tell him he seriously needs to clean up his act (atleast to the extent of cleaning a public room).
edit: you made that post as i was making mine!
most of all, most of all
someone said true love was dead
but i'm bound to fall
bound to fall for you
oh what can i do
Workingmen of all countries, unite!
If he's that dense that he fails to see all the work that you are doing and he doesn't appreciate it he doesn't deserve to live with you.
Either that or go batshit crazy at him and yell and scream as your current attitude (not saying it isn't a reasonable attitude, he is just unreasonable) doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.
Satans..... hints.....
Ryan M Long Photography
Buy my Prints!
His social life is pretty decent, actually.
His school life is a little, "eh." He's taking 12 hrs, but 3 of his classes are during the afternoon/evening. He skips a lot for not really valid reasons other than he's tired or something along those lines. He also tells me crap like, "Well class was canceled today." I believed him say...the first 3 times....but the same class over and over again throughout the semester?!
Idk, I'm just really anxious for him to help me out.
To clear some stuff up:
When I first moved in, he and I both agreed to take turns cleaning and cooking and buying groceries, ect. We would alternate between the two. Same thing for rent, though at first, he was the one paying b/c I didn't have my job yet and I was still getting settled.
When I first started noticing the problem I approached him about it. Just asking him to do simple stuff like putting the dishes in the sink instead of leaving them out in the living room...or throwing the trash away every other week. That worked for about a week, then it was back to 'normal.' I've approached him about it since and we planned out different stuff...but he never keeps up w/ his end of the deal.
He's really not a bad person and he's a great brother. But he lacks roommate-iquette.
He's comfortable. He's in the middle of college. His future seems fairly certain (i.e. he knows where his next meal is coming from and where he will be next year) and if he is not naturally neat then this lack of external motivation would appear to lead to where it has led.
This is a hard slump to get out of. But, he has a social life, which is good do his friends ever come over to your place? If they do maybe you should ask them to say something casual to the effect of "Jeez man, this is where you live? What a mess"
Sometimes it's better when not-your-family tells you to not be a pig.
Ryan M Long Photography
Buy my Prints!
I'm not trying to be mean to him as a person. He may well be a decent person. I have friends that I will hangout with but I'd rather stab nails through my hands than live with. The fact of the matter is that he needs a good stomping on because he isn't respecting you as a person. If you live in the house you have to share with someone. He isn't sharing, he's taking you for a ride and you need to knuckle down and tell him to shape up or ship out.
Satans..... hints.....
His friends HAVE come over before. Actually, one of the guys that he hangs out w/ most is an uber clean freak, so when he swings by *though, rare is the occasion* my brother takes the time to pick up a bit. That's always nice, and I look forward to his friend's visits. The cleanliness lasts for about a day or two, and then he starts leaving empty coke bottles on the floor....with clothes thrown around the place....I try and keep up, but I just don't want to play sister AND mom.
So I've been told
By any means necessary.
Ryan M Long Photography
Buy my Prints!
I wish I did have more chick friends....but alas....I don't. I usually have guy friends over...and...well....they can't really tell him anything mostly b/c of his macho-ego as well as the fact that he's 6'6" and a pretty hefty sized guy. It's either that, or they won't tell him anything b/c they don't want to offend me in some way...even though I tell them ALL THE TIME about how uncomfortable it is living w/ his mess.
I spoke w/ a chick friend that I have about my situation and she said to put on the water works. To just start crying and yelling uncontrollably and to avoid him for a few days/wks.....and whenever I did see him, to sniffle up or get teary eyed.
The thing is, I don't really have much control over my crying abilities....so much so, that sometimes I fear I'm not a girl at all.
Crying works...kind of. Less so on a twin brother I'd imagine.
Is it possible that this is an "ego" issue? Does he feel uncomfortable doing chores? Is there any other way he could be contributing?
I'm just throwing things out there. I'd suggest using other females and their opinions to manipulate him here. If he has a significant other or any other female he is interested in, bring her over, ask her to help you out.
Ryan M Long Photography
Buy my Prints!
A few months ago he was dating a girl - I never met her b/c he didn't want to introduce her to any family members....something about not wanting for us to get close to her and then they not work out and she still lingers???...- anywho, from what I heard, she was just as messy as he. That's pretty discouraging. He's a kind of take-me-as-I-am kinda guy. We're Mexicanxcore. So he has that whole men come first, children next, then women fog around his brain sometimes. Where we are living now - South Texas - that mentality seems to be supported a lot more than I think it should. The women in my family took care of all the cleaning and such for him, but I really don't think I should....even though that may be the only way I can keep this place at least DECENT for people to come by if I stay here.
I honestly don't know how to be a decent girl....I am in dire need of manipulation courses.
It's a fair enough mindset for the women to do the cleaning and all that if the man is the sole provider of the house hold but you are both contributing to it so that plan falls to shit.
If he's truly that thick about alternate between yelling and silent treatment about it. The one other piece of advice is don't jump on him to do stuff as soon as he goes through the door. I keep a fairly clean appartment and for the first half and hour everyday when I come home. That's my time to relax, then I start going through everything and do what needs to be done.
Satans..... hints.....
Tell him you're not responsible for him and he's an embarassment. Attack the ego and machismo, ask your mother how she gets your father to do things (assuming that's the situation in your household).
Or just punch him in the crotch repeatedly until he cleans things (don't do this).
Ryan M Long Photography
Buy my Prints!
My parents work well together, I think. They both help each other out, and my dad is a little bit of a neat freak, however, my extended family is more on the machismo level. Since my brother moved down here, he's been exposed to them a lot more...so I'm sure that's where that came from. When we lived w/ our parents, he was pretty messy, but not THIS bad.
He's home. I left his mess alone today....I doubt he'll notice....but I really hope he does.
If he leaves his trash around, take it, go to his room and put it on his desk. Regardless of what it is.
He won't be able to confront you about it since he knows he is guilty of not cleaning after himself, and he can't leave it in his room.
After a while he'll gain the habit.
Can't you just punch him and tell him to clean up his mess?
???
I have a brother and a sister, and if one of us were being pigs in an area that we jointly used, we'd bitch at each other like crazy.
most of all, most of all
someone said true love was dead
but i'm bound to fall
bound to fall for you
oh what can i do
Think of it this way, though: you are living in this situation to serve a purpose. Once you graduate, you will not have to put up with unnecessary roommate woes any longer--even if you don't start your career right away, you'll still be able to work full-time and afford a place on your own. Until then, I'm guessing cash is tight (as is with most students), so if you can stick it out until you have that diploma, it'll ultimately work out for the best.
Still, that shouldn't stop you from browsing the apartment/roommate listings every day. If you find something close to what you're paying now, jump on it. And if he protests, tell him exactly what you told us--that you've talked to him about it and he hasn't done shit about it.
If he weren't as big as he is....or if I were bigger than I am....that would be NO PROB.
IE her? that could save/make her some money as well. But that probably wont last.
You need to figure out some sort of leverage. Some way to convince him that he's being a slobby lazy ass. Whether it's completely ignoring his mess (to the point where you keep dishes, pots & pans, and your own garbage can), not paying your half of the rent/bills, or spending as little time at home as possible, you need to get him to clean up after himself. Or move out.
Anyway, if you want to completely ignore his mess, imagine a "path" from the front door to your room. Anything in that path gets "moved," not put away. Keep your own set of cooking and eating utensils in your room, and when you're done with them, clean them and put them back in your room. Keep a garbage in your room as well, although it sounds like he doesn't even throw shit away so that may not be an issue. Buy a smelly-thing to plug into the wall in your room so any odors don't waft into your space. Keep your room nice, tidy, and, above all, completely isolated.
If you want to withhold money, it's up to you if you want to talk about it first or not. If you talk to him and set up a schedule, you can set up "points" that, if he lapses or ignores it, you pay X less rent. This could also be "he hires you as a cleaning person," which you may not like. If you simply want to start cutting him off, you could dish his own attitude back on him -- that you're "too busy" or "spent all the money" and just can't be bothered.
And you could talk to your boyfriend or other friends about finding a new place to live. If you're in school, is there no student housing? If you talk to housing people about a need to find a place they should be able to set you up with something. And, again, it's up to you if you want to tell him that his messiness has caused you to look for a place to move into.
If he's the one actually paying the rent threaten to start paying less, or as many people have suggest jump into the student housing. You need to realise you don't deserve this shit.
Satans..... hints.....
1. Stay here, try and work it out w/ him - I don't have THAT much more to graduate, anyway.
2. Move back home w/ my parents and go to the Uni there - though I would prefer not to b/c of how strict they are....even at my age, I have a 12:00pm curfew
3. Move to the town where my BF will be moving to in a few months and finish up my Bachelor's there....seeing as I'm gonna go up there as soon as I finish to get my Master's.
I'm gonna talk to my parents and brother about this.....hopefully it'll help.
Thank you all so very much for the input and advice. I sincerely appreciate it.