Anti depressants and suicidal thoughts.

NakedZergling

So i have a diagnosed anxiety disorder with a side of depression, and ive been on various meds for over a decade now. Ive bounced around between a few depending on their effectiveness, and side effects. I sadly have to admit that i truly need the meds (which at times fuels my depression ever more) and when i take them i feel like "me". Ive had some that sedate me way too much, and i hated that feeling. The combo im on right now keeps me generally in a healthy mindset, provided i take them every day.

Ok. That being said....im actually a pretty happy guy and i have always had an active imagination, and i think some crazy shit. My whole life ive imagined dying, or being injured...usually in some type of "heroic" manner (like a gunman enters the school, workplace, etc and i confront him, and i play out different scenarios in my head). Now i don't WANT this...its just where my mind goes. I have ALWAYS been that way, and have a bit of a hero complex.

Every now and then, my anxiety gets so bad, it teams up with depression to punch me in the teeth, and something small, can send me really spiraling out of control. Usually only for a few hours, but i become totally non functional. A few weeks back I found out my 4 year old son had hit a kid at day care, and though it was nothing serious (no one was hurt), i got crippled with anxiety as to WHY he had done this. And then i felt like i had failed as a father, and then im imagining his life being terrible because i didn't do a good enough job raising him. I go to these extreme, unfounded situations in my mind, and they cripple me. I normally have to go into my room, shut my light off, and ball up on the bed under 4 blankets, to let it pass. If i go on facebook or anything (even here) the smallest thing can make it worse and ill sometimes say things i regret, feeling like everything is hopeless. Ive learned to not go online, and breath deep until the feeling passes.

But i honestly still think of dying. But i don't actively WANT to. But now its not usually under a heroic circumstances. Its like....im stopped on a bridge in Portland in traffic. and i look, and i think. "The edge of that bridge is 8 feet away. I could literally hop that in a few seconds.". Or ill be driving, and think i wonder what would happen if i just didn't stop. and smashed through that house....stuff like that. Again. i don not wish to...its just how my mind wanders.

I told my ex wife about that and shes super concerned. I honestly wasn't until she said that.

I know the logical thing is to just call my doctor, but ive heard stuff like they can hold you for 72 hours for evaluation against your will, and you have to surrender your firearms, and i honestly just wouldn't want something like that following me around.

I know you guys aren't doctors...so i guess im asking...is thinking of dying normal? Should i be concerned? i honestly wasn't, but she seemd to be so concerned that its been bothering me. (i talked to her about this yesterday).

Thanks guys.

I needed anime to post.

While I can't speak to your situation, abrupt thoughts of that nature are documented and occur in completely healthy people. One of the common "interesting facts" you'll hear people throw out on the internet is that the french have a term for it - l'appel du vide, the call of the void. It was common enough that they felt it needed a unique classification.

So in regards to just the question "is thinking of dying normal", well yes, sometimes. But I can only answer that question and not whether you should be concerned.

silence1186

Just in case you want to talk to a live person: suicidepreventionlifeline.org

ceres

You need to speak with a professional about this. They typically won't hold you if you say "sometimes I think about this, when should I be concerned?" because they'd have to hold everyone who walked through their doors and nobody has that kind of space. They will likely ask you some questions about when and how and what your response is to those thoughts, especially if you're seeing a therapist, which it sounds like you should be. They will likely work from there to determine with you the best way for you to deal with those thoughts.

If you go in and say "I am going to kill myself right now in the living room with the candlestick," yes, they will probably hold you, or at least keep you for questioning. It's when you have an actual plan that the klaxons go off and the bars come down (not really, they'll just probably tell you that they can't legally let you leave and you'll be put under observation for a set period of time).

Now, all that can vary from state to state to country. And I think most will tell you that thoughts along the lines of "I could just" are fairly common; the problem is when you are tempted to go through with them, and then you need to seek help immediately. If you don't actively want to kill yourself I don't think you're going to lose your guns.

Something that might help you (I know it helped me) is to talk to a therapist and ask what they can and can't hold you for saying. I do this every time I change therapists because interpretations can differ, and I don't want to run afoul of that sort of thing due to poor wording on my part. In my experience, even saying something like "sometimes I want to kill myself" isn't enough; you need to be seen as an immediate threat to yourself or others.

But again, DO go see your therapist/prescribing doctor and DO ask them what circumstances would lead to a hold. Then talk to them to find out if you in particular should be concerned about these thoughts with your own history. If this is of concern to you then it's the best thing you can do for yourself, giving yourself one less thing to be anxious about.

NakedZergling

Thank all you guys for the feedback!
"the call of the void" that's intense, and i totally get it. Thats a very interesting fact i didn't know! Thank you for telling me.
I appreciate the link. If i were ever feeling that bad i wouldn't hesitate to seek immediate help.
I agree i should talk with someone. Im not currently seeing a therapist, but i'm totally open to it.
Again, thank you.

Lucid

I'm curious as to how you feel about who you are and how your life is going. If these things are all pretty okay most of the time, then your disturbing thoughts might be trivial in nature. I would certainly suggest seeing a therapist though. It could be possible that you have some problems in your life that you simply aren't consciously aware of right now, and then this could be part of why you have thought about being a hero, or even thoughts of just not wanting to be around anymore.

I think it may be of benefit to you, if you feel capable, to try keeping note of how much you think of these things and what the context is in your immediate situation (when these thoughts occur, like when you mentioned your son hitting a child triggering things). It's good that you have some awareness already, perhaps there is more that you don't understand right now.

You may simply not be handling your triggers in a way that is productive for you, like when you isolate as a reaction to the intense feelings that come from a trigger. It could be that this is actually not helpful for you in the long term, even if it feels like the only or best thing to do at the time. A therapist would likely discuss alternative ways to cope with stress when it is happening.

Anyways, find a professional. It's usually the first and last advice given here, partly because only they can spend the regular time with you necessary to assisting you with gaining some insight and empowerment with these things.

WiseManTobes

Another thing to consider and to mention to the therapist.

When you have the thoughts, do they truly feel like yours?

I'm trying to think how to explain this better. Do they seem to actually base off thoughts and situations, or do they just sorta seem there,.. as almost a, for lack of a better word, planted idea?

I was scared for the longest time to mention my suicidal thoughts to my doc, because they felt continually out of left field, and just trudged through for years, to the point I began to just accept them, then I forget even how or why, but I off hand mentioned to a therapist at the time, and they finally took me off meds altogether. And it reawakened like the actual me's real feelings about death and suicide and the like and I learnt that I am a stubborn bastard who does not want to die at all before my time, and I'm both scared constantly and thankful that I got off them in time, because, who knows.

I am not advocating quitting medication! ( at least without talking to your doctor), I am only advocating honesty with your doc, sometimes a simple adjustment can make a WORLD of difference.

baudattitude

Portland-specific firearms advice: There's a range called The Place to Shoot up on Hayden Meadows road. They rent small lockers for five bucks a month, last time I looked.

While you're dealing with the stress, it might not be a bad place to securely stow your firearms for a while. If they ask for a reason, well, having an inquisitive four-year-old in the house is a fantastic reason in ANY event.