So i have a diagnosed anxiety disorder with a side of depression, and ive been on various meds for over a decade now. Ive bounced around between a few depending on their effectiveness, and side effects. I sadly have to admit that i truly need the meds (which at times fuels my depression ever more) and when i take them i feel like "me". Ive had some that sedate me way too much, and i hated that feeling. The combo im on right now keeps me generally in a healthy mindset, provided i take them every day.
Ok. That being said....im actually a pretty happy guy and i have always had an active imagination, and i think some crazy shit. My whole life ive imagined dying, or being injured...usually in some type of "heroic" manner (like a gunman enters the school, workplace, etc and i confront him, and i play out different scenarios in my head). Now i don't WANT this...its just where my mind goes. I have ALWAYS been that way, and have a bit of a hero complex.
Every now and then, my anxiety gets so bad, it teams up with depression to punch me in the teeth, and something small, can send me really spiraling out of control. Usually only for a few hours, but i become totally non functional. A few weeks back I found out my 4 year old son had hit a kid at day care, and though it was nothing serious (no one was hurt), i got crippled with anxiety as to WHY he had done this. And then i felt like i had failed as a father, and then im imagining his life being terrible because i didn't do a good enough job raising him. I go to these extreme, unfounded situations in my mind, and they cripple me. I normally have to go into my room, shut my light off, and ball up on the bed under 4 blankets, to let it pass. If i go on facebook or anything (even here) the smallest thing can make it worse and ill sometimes say things i regret, feeling like everything is hopeless. Ive learned to not go online, and breath deep until the feeling passes.
But i honestly still think of dying. But i don't actively WANT to. But now its not usually under a heroic circumstances. Its like....im stopped on a bridge in Portland in traffic. and i look, and i think. "The edge of that bridge is 8 feet away. I could literally hop that in a few seconds.". Or ill be driving, and think i wonder what would happen if i just didn't stop. and smashed through that house....stuff like that. Again. i don not wish to...its just how my mind wanders.
I told my ex wife about that and shes super concerned. I honestly wasn't until she said that.
I know the logical thing is to just call my doctor, but ive heard stuff like they can hold you for 72 hours for evaluation against your will, and you have to surrender your firearms, and i honestly just wouldn't want something like that following me around.
I know you guys aren't doctors...so i guess im asking...is thinking of dying normal? Should i be concerned? i honestly wasn't, but she seemd to be so concerned that its been bothering me. (i talked to her about this yesterday).