Telling Friends Bad News

Creagan

As some of the people who read my last thread here may have guessed, my dad's an abusive asshole. About a month and a half ago, things got pretty bad. He and my sixteen year old sister got into a huge fight, she swore at him, and he responded to that by grabbing her arm and getting ready to punch her. (His right hand was closed into a fist, and held in pre-punching position.) My mom grabbed his arm, held it back, and yelled at him to not hit my sister and that my sister should run to her room. Dad let go and didn't do anything physical after that.

Right now things have calmed down. Dad hasn't done anything like that again, and we're making sure he and my sister aren't left alone together. (Dad has been informed that we will call the police and move in with my maternal grandfather should he physically threaten/hurt us again.) At the moment, I feel safe in the house. Although what happened was terrible, clearly domestic violence, and something has to change fast. I'm working on getting a job and moving out of the house. Mom's working on a plan for her and my sister.

My friends have no idea any of this has happened. The two who I'd want to tell are both in grad school, and really busy. I didn't want to freak them out, and cause them to mess up a test or something. But this is *probably* something they should know about. And I know at least my best friend has more free time right now. So if I was going to say something to her, the best time to do it would be between now and Sunday night.

But here's the thing: this is obviously upsetting news, and I am horrible at reassuring people. One time, a friend and I were trapped at our high school during a really horrible storm, she was panicking and I actually tried to calm her down by saying, "Well, the worst thing that can happen is we die." I am honestly that bad at this.

Also, I'm a little worried that my friends won't understand why I didn't just pack my bags and flee my parent's house immediately after Dad did that. We were all kinda raised with a "you leave after the first instance of violence, and don't come back" mindset. But I really, truly believe that the smartest thing to do right now is to get a job, find an apartment, and then move out. That way I'm going to a stable environment, and presumably support myself.

So, um, if anybody has some tips on how to tell my friends about this without making them worry too much, while also conveying why I haven't just up and moved into a shelter or something, that would be really nice.

And normally when I see if my friends are available to talk on the phone, I tend to text something like, "Hey, wanna talk sometime this weekend?" or "I have free time! Can you chat for a couple of hours? I really wanna catch up with you!" For this I'm inclined to be direct and just ask if they're free because I want to talk to them. But I also don't want to phrase that in a way that'll have them worrying about what's going on with me until we do finally talk. Should I pretend everything's normal, or would that be a bad way to go about this?

Thanks guys. I really appreciate this!

Liiya

Creagan wrote: »

Also, I'm a little worried that my friends won't understand why I didn't just pack my bags and flee my parent's house immediately after Dad did that. We were all kinda raised with a "you leave after the first instance of violence, and don't come back" mindset. But I really, truly believe that the smartest thing to do right now is to get a job, find an apartment, and then move out. That way I'm going to a stable environment, and presumably support myself.

I think this is your answer! It is the smartest thing if you feel safe for the moment, which you say you do. Make sure when you tell them you keep your voice calm and cool, explain it in a very logical way "this is what happened, this is what I'm doing". And have courage of your convictions, you know this is the best way to handle it, and being assured in your decision will show that. If they make a fuss remind them you've thought this through carefully, and its nice of them to care, but its the smartest thing to do.

Also, I hope things continue to be calmed down until you and your sister are in a better position!

ceres

I am going to level with you here: unless there's an e-card site I don't know about, there's no real way to pin a rose on "my father was stopped a fist-width from punching my sister in the face the other day." A simple "hey, I could really use to talk to someone whenever you've got time" is the best you're likely to do, and then just tell it like you told us. Don't be afraid to answer questions, don't be afraid to share your feelings.

It doesn't sound like you fear their reaction or for their livelihoods so much as you fear their judgment of you for staying, and that is very very understandable and something I've been through to quite an extreme degree. It feels like people will either blame, scorn, or abandon you for staying, even your best friends, so you don't want to say anything until you can safely use the past tense when speaking. But it's incredibly isolating, and an unwitting tool of the abuser. Trust me, your friends will be worried about you, but fine. But that fear is enough to keep someone silent for a long time. You can't control a whole lot about the situation at the moment, but don't let that fear keep you from reaching out, even if you feel like you've got it under control right now. It's only with hindsight and a lot of therapy that I can say that.

The only thing you should do before talking to them at this point is to think about what to do if one of them offers you a place to stay with them or with someone they know. Frankly, under the circumstances if the offer comes up you might want to take it. You can still enact your plan from the safety of someone else's dwelling. If it's something you have a very strong aversion to, be confident when you explain that, but also be prepared for it to sound to them like.. well.. exactly what it sounds like to you. That's okay, your reasons are your reasons and like I said, I do understand. But if the offer comes up and it would put you in a situation that feels even remotely tenable to you, I would urge you to take it.

And I would urge you not to worry so much about carefully wording everything you say. It's a mental roadblock your brain invented so it wouldn't have to do something difficult and scary. These are people very close to you that you've known for a long time; they know you and they are likely well aware that when times get tough for you your words get weird. But no matter what you do, keep that line of communication open. It's more important right now than you can possibly realize.

Enc

When my father's nonsense came out (both that he was transitioning and that he was a horribly abusive person), my friends mostly found out from texts/phone calls from their parents reading a local newspaper which ran an article about her (with the article being highly inflammatory against my family and the comments talking about the abuse). It was my birthday the day the article was published (this was intentional on my dad's part as the article painted me as a horrible, anti-LGBT child rather than leaving to avoid the physical and mental abuse), and I was running a LAN party for World of Warcraft. About half the party mysteriously packed up after some muttering and left without really talking to me about it. The folks who stayed ended up being life long friends and either already knew through reading the subtext and mysterious injuries I sometimes got, or were wanting to do anything they can to support.

Those are your real outcomes when you talk about something as heavy as this with people. Either they will end up not being great friends and dump you because they feel your baggage is more than they want to invest in, or they end up being rad people who just want to support you in any way they can.

Some of my friends wanted to go bash my dad's face in. Others were just really worried or wanted to do what they could to help. Some just listened quietly and hung out with me. You can't really control how your friends will react and you probably don't want to. But if you want to be honest with them, I do suggest it. Having a friend group that knew what was going on served as therapy for me and they knew that If I needed to unload about it they were a safe place to do so.

Creagan

Thank you guys so much. This has really helped me clarify my thoughts on the issue and figure out how I'm going to go about reaching out to people.

I don't think moving in with a friend or somebody they know will come up. As of last year, none of my friends live in the same state as me. (We graduated.) None of them had ties in the area prior to school, and my best friend hasn't lived in the area since the 7th grade.

On that note, I'm not too worried about being abandoned. Even if I did lose some friends over this, I could deal with it. Anyway, I know my best friend wouldn't do that to me, and that friendship matters the most to me.

Really the biggest thing is I don't want people to worry about me. I hate making people upset. And my best friend has anxiety issues like me, so I know if I freak her out I could inadvertently cause her to mess up an assignment or test which is the last thing I want to do. Usually my personal rule with friends is if something's bothering me, I can talk/complain about it for five minutes, and then I have to be happy & focused on my friends' problems the rest of the time we hang out. (Baring a death in the family or something. Then I can be sad a little longer.)

Secondary fears are that they'll get mad that I didn't say something earlier. (I've talked to both my two closest friends since Dad flew off the handle, and didn't say anything. It was pretty late when my closest friend from college messaged me, and I didn't want to keep her up. And my best friend and I talked the day before she had some major tests and I didn't want to upset her.) And that they'll try to pressure me to do something before I'm ready.

But you guys are right, there's no way to talk about this without upsetting people, and I do need to talk to my friends about this. I'll stay calm while we talk, and be very matter-o-fact about what I'm planning to do about the situation. I've texted my friend to see if she can talk this weekend. We'll see how things go from there.

Thanks again everybody. You've been a huge help.

Gnizmo

Your plan seems very sound for you, but I worry about your sister. She is a minor and apparently unable to defend herself against your dad. This is about the worst environment ever for her. Abusive people tend to be power hungry, so the threat of leaving will be tested sooner or later. It might end up being much worse as well. I strongly urge you to find a way to get her out yesterday for her safety of nothing else. A restraining order may or may not be possible given no police report or injuries, but with a minor it is a weirder situation.

I am sorry to do what you feared might happen, but I can't not say it. I have seen this situation play out too many times. It never goes well. Your sister needs a way out before it gets much worse.

Creagan

My sister has already been given the option of staying at my maternal grandfathers. She declined, but knows it's still an option. We've also floated the idea of her and I getting an apartment together, but she's not particularly receptive to that either.

I don't think Dad's going to push her into leaving, or anything like that. It would be a major embarrassment at work if she left. (And possibly ruin the promotion we think he's angling for.) He knows if anything even remotely close to that fight happens again, my sister's out of the house and in with my grandfather. Dad absolutely doesn't want that to happen because 1- he hates Grandpa, and 2- Grandpa may still have enough connections to ruin my father's career. (And Grandpa would try if he got angry enough. Mom's already had to talk Grandpa out of it once.)

In the meantime, we're just making sure the two of them are never alone together, and Mom's working on a better solution that I don't want to get into online. But she is working on it, and it will involve my sister not living with Dad anymore. She's also meeting with a psychiatrist who specializes in men like my father, to make sure she's making good decisions as she works all this out. (My sister won't go because she's sick of talking about my Dad.)

Aaaand, I just got a text from my friend. She's about to go on vacation but can talk now. My dad's home. Shit. This is going to be tricky.

UPDATE: I talked to my best friend over the phone in my room while my dad was downstairs at the other end of the house, and whispered whenever I talked about what was happening. So I don't think he heard. I stayed calm while I told her what happened, and therefore didn't get her too upset.

My best friend had absolutely the best reaction possible. I didn't ruin her vacation by dumping this on her right before her trip, and she wasn't upset with me for waiting until after her tests to tell her. (Actually she said she was grateful because before the tests she was too stressed out to be properly supportive.)

So, I have the greatest friend ever, and I am really, really glad you guys helped me have this conversation. Thank you so, so much!