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Girlfriend Has No Friends
altface4321
pgroome@penny-arcade.comRegistered User regular
pgroome@penny-arcade.comRegistered User regular
In a bit of a frump here, and could use some advice.
My girlfriend of 5 years (3 of those living together) love each other very much. She graduated from art school last summer, her peer group essentially evaporated overnight, and her social life has yet to really recover. I'm starting to get concerned that she's becoming too dependent on me. We work together at home making indie games (she's technically my subordinate, but I think we do a decent job of keeping work and play separate), and so spend pretty much all our time together. We have our shared friends, but she doesn't really have any support groups that don't involve myself. Sometime's I'll need to do my own thing, and go spend a few hours with some of my own friends once a week, and come home to find her completely bummed out because she's been bored and alone all day. We've talked about it, and she understands that I should have my own time, and doesn't want to tell me not to go or whatever, but then I think beats herself into a funk for feeling a certain way, or not having her own friends or hobbies to rely on. She's very introverted and makes friends few and far between, so I've just been trying to encourage her to try more situations to get her out of the house and active in events and groups and whatever, but she needs to want to do it without me always there. I can't really force this sort of thing to happen.
I can see this sort of thing getting unhealthy for the both of us in the future, and I'm just wondering if there's any advice out there for what I could do (or not do), or say (or not say), or hear tales from others with similar experiences?
My girlfriend of 5 years (3 of those living together) love each other very much. She graduated from art school last summer, her peer group essentially evaporated overnight, and her social life has yet to really recover. I'm starting to get concerned that she's becoming too dependent on me. We work together at home making indie games (she's technically my subordinate, but I think we do a decent job of keeping work and play separate), and so spend pretty much all our time together. We have our shared friends, but she doesn't really have any support groups that don't involve myself. Sometime's I'll need to do my own thing, and go spend a few hours with some of my own friends once a week, and come home to find her completely bummed out because she's been bored and alone all day. We've talked about it, and she understands that I should have my own time, and doesn't want to tell me not to go or whatever, but then I think beats herself into a funk for feeling a certain way, or not having her own friends or hobbies to rely on. She's very introverted and makes friends few and far between, so I've just been trying to encourage her to try more situations to get her out of the house and active in events and groups and whatever, but she needs to want to do it without me always there. I can't really force this sort of thing to happen.
I can see this sort of thing getting unhealthy for the both of us in the future, and I'm just wondering if there's any advice out there for what I could do (or not do), or say (or not say), or hear tales from others with similar experiences?
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There are plenty of people in this world who do nearly everything together, and share their own friends. Many of these people are married.
If I look to my brothers and parents and other people in serious long term relationships, it would be more uncommon for one to have a friend that the other wasn't friends with. Now the level of friendship varied but they were at minimum friends with their significant others friends.
Archery, longboarding, swing dancing, local D&D group, whatever catches her eye she should go for. It's not easy at first but after a while the anxiety subsides
Ask her what kinds of things she wants to do more of and go with her the first time or the first few times. Then let her go by herself. I personally feel really anxious and shy when I meet new people and go to a new place. If I don't have a support person I barely talk to anyone and I usually leave early cuz I'm too nervous and in my own head but if there's someone else with me everything is fine. Once that hurdle is jumped she might feel more okay going to stuff on her own, since she's already been once or twice with you
The particular book club in which they met was pretty terrible, but they initially bonded by making fun of how lame it was. You never know what circumstances will lead you to hitting it off with someone, so I guess just encourage her to try several different meetups.
That said if she's in a funk when you're out for a bit, that certainly needs to be dealt with more than just having friends. But that could be like, a hobby that you don't need to be around for, etc.
I'm fairly shy in person. Meeting new people makes me nervous. I'm also really bad at driving, and worse with directions. So I am way less likely to go actively seek out new people to be friends with if I have to drive to that place, especially if I've never been there. (And sometimes I actually just can't get to the place because I can't find it.) But having somebody else drive me, or being able to use public transportation I'm familiar with, takes that barrier away.
So like, if there's anything "extra" that discourages your girlfriend from socializing, finding a way to remove that barrier and make it feel safer would probably be really, really helpful.
Not to thread hi-jack, but I had something like that when I was in my older teens, and when phones got GPS', all my troubles went away.
Might be something to look into
Also, GPS is pretty useless if you're looking for a place to park your car. (Especially if you're looking for a parking lot.) Or trying to find a place inside a building, or trying to find your way out of a building. And don't get me wrong- GPS is very, very helpful. But it's far from perfect.
That's why I suggested the OP find out if there's anything other than introversion getting in the way of the girlfriend making new friends- there's stuff that most people never stop to consider might be an issue for other people, or that the solution has problems normal people never have to think about.
Get a bluetooth earpiece or headphones for it. Keep the phone in pocket/purse. It will tell you to turn left/right and correct if you start going the wrong direction, etc.
Would only need to check it now and again if you forgot the specific name/address or something like that.
Not the most ideal situation if you have extreme anxiety about going out, but it certainly works.
It takes time, but forums is a great way to start since there is no immediate pressure to "perform" in public for new people. I haven't had experience with meetup.com, but it does seem like it would be a similar experience.
Working from home can make it very difficult to meet new people and I agree it is important that she finds something to get out of the house for.