I need help, I must be nuts

mike1234

So last month,after 21 years of marriage, my wife left me for another guy. Left me with all three kids, two teens and my 5 year old girl. She moved out of state, just over the state line, signed a lease with the new guy, and I handed over her personal items she wanted out of the house, which wasnt much.
Im lucky in a sense. She has no inclination to raise them. Im doing that just fine, and they want to be with me anyway. We are in the process of a pretty amicable divorce, II've moved on and am very busy raising kids and working. So what's the problem you may ask? We have both admitted that we still love each other, and actually get along better now than the last year of our marriage. So...wrong or right, now I'm the other guy as we have been sneaking off and having sex when ever and where ever we can.

The sex was always good, but now its off the charts......my problem? She wants me to make a car payment for her....the boyfriend either wont help her, or she wont ask him for the cash. I want to help her cause I do still love her....but she is still on my auto insurance, and my phone plan, which I continue to pay. I get the feeling that I should say no, but Im sure she will think its sex for help or cash which it isnt

And no she iisn't paying any child support yet, but she did help me when we first split up...just a couple hundred dollars to get me by till I got paid. I wish now that I didn't sleep with her, cause it just confuses me even more. I still love this woman, but I don't think I should do her this favor....I need help....any advise? Has anyone been through this?!

Xaquin

Cut off all ties save for legal ones. Do not lend her any money.

Speak only through texts until you are fully divorced.

Keep a journal or log or whatever of every thing that has happened and everything that happens from here on out. If her boyfriend won't do something for her that's between them, not you.

I'm hoping you've lawyered up! If not, do it yesterday.

ceres

You need to talk to your lawyer, and if you don't have one you should get one.

See what they say about all this, because your priority needs to be getting your kids through this rough time and you want to make sure that your actions help, not hinder, that process wherever possible.

davidsdurions

And be honest with your lawyer like you have been here. Don't leave out a detail because you don't think it matters. They will want to be prepared with all the information possible.

Julius

mike1234 wrote: »

And no she iisn't paying any child support yet, but she did help me when we first split up...just a couple hundred dollars to get me by till I got paid. I wish now that I didn't sleep with her, cause it just confuses me even more. I still love this woman, but I don't think I should do her this favor....I need help....any advise? Has anyone been through this?!

If you're still going through with the divorce you probably shouldn't be sleeping with her and definitely not paying her money. Sure love is important and all that but your priority should be your kids as ceres said and I can't imagine this situation is the best.

Talk to your lawyer!

mts

unless the car is ion your name, that should be a big fat no. also take her off the insurance

DevoutlyApathetic

mts wrote: »

unless the car is ion your name, that should be a big fat no. also take her off the insurance

If it's his insurance the car is almost certainly in his name.

@mike1234 My personal priorities would be to focus on what's best for the children as others had sad. So I have a couple questions you should think about but don't need to (and probably shouldn't) be answered here.

Do your kids (the teenagers mostly) know what's happening with unfaithful sexy times?
How sure are you about that?
Would you want them to do the same in their relationships?
How about the implied connection between sex and monetary support?
Are these the lessons you want to teach them?

This is totally harsh but for me, once you're a parent your actions aren't just about how the impact you but how they're gonna shape your children for the rest of their lives.

joshofalltrades

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She sounds very controlling and that's what the weird separation sex while actually being there for another man is about for her.

Do not let her have that control. Stop having sex with her immediately and I'll repeat what everybody else has said: if you don't have a lawyer, get one now. You are at a very severe disadvantage if she decides to go get one and sue you first.

Even though getting a lawyer is the most important thing, do not think that it's okay to keep giving in and letting the sex happen, no matter how nice it must be. When you do this, you are giving her a way to control your life. If she really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't be living with some other dude, and would definitely not be using it as a way to shake money out of you. End it.

You will undoubtedly find somebody after you are divorced with whom you can have very enjoyable sex, and it won't be an unhealthy controlling act. I can personally attest to this.

joshofalltrades

Oh, and if she does try to pull the, "But we had sex!" card on you, don't give her the time of day. Tell her that you were confused and have since realized that it was unhealthy. Do not let her force you to pay for things because you feel guilty about having sex with her. Healthy sexual relationships are not defined by what you can squeeze out of a person.

mike1234

So I did take the advise all of you have given me. I put a stop to the sex and told her to pay her own way, or have her boyfriend help her. Boy did she get upset, and called me every name in the book. So its over as far as I'm concerned. Did I mention the fact that both the teenagers refuse to have anything to do with her, and warned me not to play into her games...........am taking their advise. She has only bothered to see the kids once in two months. I won't let her have the 5 year

mike1234

Old because the boyfriend keeps calling me up to en me and use very vile language toward me. So I don't trust him or her judgement concerning my child. She also won't sign a legal document promising to return the child to her home. I live in Louisiana and she moved to Mississippi, so if she decides to keep the child, it would be very hard to get here back

Shadowfire

You said you took the advice here, but did you specifically take the lawyer up advice? Because you need to do so, and get custody paperwork in order asap.

joshofalltrades

Depending on the nature of the harassing calls, it may be worth it to have your lawyer (you have a lawyer right?) draw up a restraining order for the boyfriend as well. There's no excuse for that kind of behavior.

joshofalltrades

Oh and by the way, moving out of state is a huge no-no in custody cases. Judges are typically loathe to move the children out of their established school district, much less state. I'm not saying to hammer her on this, but it needs to be addressed and your lawyer needs to know it's an issue.

IANAL, just a guy who has been down this road in the recent past.