Working with the elderly: Coping with death

Anome

I am currently in training in a career where working with the elderly is one of my main potential income streams, particularly working in care homes. My practicum this term, in fact, was in a care home. One of the clients in a group I was observing passed away, and an individual I am working with on a one-to-one basis is showing significant signs of decline. It has been brought to my attention by my supervisors that I am not the best a coping with this - I was super sad when the first lady died even though I had only met her 3 times, and when pressed on it by a supervisor, I started crying about the potential upcoming death of my individual client. Is there anyone reading this who works in an environment where their clients/patients/people they see often pass away on a regular basis? How do you deal with it?

For brief information that may be relevant, I am an atheist, I don't find comfort in any idea of a life after death, and I seem to be more affected by the deaths of others than the idea that I myself will one day die. I have half jokingly stated that once I die, I'm not around to care any more, but when other people die, I have to miss them and that's hard.

How do I accept that death is far from the worst thing that can happen, especially to someone who is already 90+ years old and has a diagnosis of dementia?

davidsdurions

In my experience, it is helpful to myself to focus on providing exceptional care and caring(not sure if that makes sense to anyone else) for people nearing end of life. Your feelings and reactions to the death of someone you've met is not unreasonable and can actually serve you well in your future pursuit. Knowing you are the one providing brightness in a dark time or comfort during high stress can and should elevate your spirits.

Some people simply cannot handle death occurring around them without having a severe emotional response. That is quite human, though not unique to humans either. We are used to seeing everyone alive today and assume they will be alive tomorrow. It can be quite jarring when that assumption is suddenly, whether expected or unexpected, shattered.

If you are having trouble reconciling your feelings/emotions with your career choice, I'd recommend finding a regular therapist you can talk to and just count it as the cost of doing business.

Good luck and I hope I made some semblance of sense. Death sucks and some of us get to deal with it more often than others.

Kick_04

Time...

I am sure you have heard about the first time of anything is always hardest, this includes seeing a patient pass away. Eventually you get more used to it, morn them and move on. It doesn't mean you care any less about the person than another.

I have a lot of relatives who work EMS/Fire Dept/Police, most of them make jokes. It sounds terrible to people looking from outside in, but to them it is how they get through a grotesque encounter or someone dieing in front of them.

Will just need to find what your coping mechnisam will be. Everyone deals with death differently, some no matter what just can't cope with it.

Julius

I interned at a care home once and there were two deaths on my floor (or something, it was a while ago) and a bunch of others who were clearly going down that path during that time (it was January, a time when it happens more often). I experienced deaths close to me before though, so I was better prepared. Still bummed me out a bit.

I think it gets easier each time. Death is very much a fact of life in those places. It helped that we discussed it and I got to see how others dealt with it and how the families handled it. And just going back to work and doing the things that matter also helps. It forces you to move on and deal with it.

Gnizmo

Being able to talk open and honestly with someone about it can be a great help as well. Have drinks with friends and just let out that you are bummed over a client passing away. You don't even need to break confidentiality. In time it will get easier, but it might also exact a toll on you that you may or may not be willing to pay. Remember there is nothing wrong with choosing yourself over others in that case. We get the one life.

Personally I find gallows humor to be extremely helpful. There is a Scrubs bit that is very melodramatic but also authentic that deals with this. Finding ways to detach from the moment and find some distance is healthy ultimately. Humor universally disarms a situation if it is done right.

Experiment as well. What works for one won't always work for another. Try everything you are comfortable with, and then modify it to better suit you. I wish you the best of luck with it. The hardest we t work is the most rewarding, but often least valued.

dispatch.o

I've worked in healthcare for a while now. I've seen a lot of people leave this world. I think you may be investing way too much emotionally in the people you've seen pass.

Don't feel too bad, you'll get your turn someday. Use it as a time to reflect on just what you're doing with your time, and how precious it is.