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Relocation
mare_imbrium
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
(This is an old post. I made an update down thread)
We can delete this, or close this, or something if this doesn't seem enough like a question...
So a month ago my husband got a formal offer (well, sort of an ultimatum, ish) to relocate from a soon-to-be-closing office here in Orange County, CA to one just south of the Dallas/Ft Worth Airport. We've been given a tour of the area, he has been out there before just to work/network/train others, and well, I guess today we finally decided yes, we're going. We told our three kids about it - well okay we told our two kids, the two year old doesn't get it, but the other two cried, a LOT, and that was, you know, heartbreaking, they did calm down after a while, but yeah, fuck, now that they know it's really happening and we're really doing this and I just don't know what to do, you know? I was born here, everywhere I've ever lived was in the county, and I've got to be all upbeat and all for the kids, but shit, I've got a lot of feels about this, if you know what I mean. I can know what to do - what is the next step, sort of thing, but I'm still at a loss. I don't know what to DO. I have been trying to learn every little thing I can about the area but I am just overwhelmed and I know that there's no possible way that I can learn everything there is to know about the area, there's no way I can foresee how they'll do in a new school, or if we'll just hate it. All of these decisions are kind of paralyzing, because the big decision begets a hundred more. Where do we live, how much do we want to pay, how far does he want to commute, which schools really are good...I mean, I think we've dialed in on a lot of these things, but what if we're wrong?
I don't even know what to ask you guys. This is just huge. I don't know how to cope with this.
We can delete this, or close this, or something if this doesn't seem enough like a question...
So a month ago my husband got a formal offer (well, sort of an ultimatum, ish) to relocate from a soon-to-be-closing office here in Orange County, CA to one just south of the Dallas/Ft Worth Airport. We've been given a tour of the area, he has been out there before just to work/network/train others, and well, I guess today we finally decided yes, we're going. We told our three kids about it - well okay we told our two kids, the two year old doesn't get it, but the other two cried, a LOT, and that was, you know, heartbreaking, they did calm down after a while, but yeah, fuck, now that they know it's really happening and we're really doing this and I just don't know what to do, you know? I was born here, everywhere I've ever lived was in the county, and I've got to be all upbeat and all for the kids, but shit, I've got a lot of feels about this, if you know what I mean. I can know what to do - what is the next step, sort of thing, but I'm still at a loss. I don't know what to DO. I have been trying to learn every little thing I can about the area but I am just overwhelmed and I know that there's no possible way that I can learn everything there is to know about the area, there's no way I can foresee how they'll do in a new school, or if we'll just hate it. All of these decisions are kind of paralyzing, because the big decision begets a hundred more. Where do we live, how much do we want to pay, how far does he want to commute, which schools really are good...I mean, I think we've dialed in on a lot of these things, but what if we're wrong?
I don't even know what to ask you guys. This is just huge. I don't know how to cope with this.
Wii: 4521 1146 5179 1333 Pearl: 3394 4642 8367 HG: 1849 3913 3132
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Our son had just finished grade 1 and was very sad to leave his friends but the good thing about us moving when he was so young was that it was fairly easy for him to make new friends once the new school year started and he's had them ever since. We'll still visit where we lived a couple of times a year as my family lives there and we'll see friends but overall we are now in a position that I don't think we could have ever been in had we stayed.
I guess to boil it all down for you is, of course do your due diligence in researching. I strongly recommend it, especially for schools. But also try and look at it as an opportunity for new things and new possibilities. You might be surprised at how good a change in surroundings can be. But good luck in your move and if you have any other questions feel free. While, sadly, I'm not from the States so I probably couldn't advise on good moving companies I believe there are a few who have some experience with it here on the forums and could probably give a heads up on some to avoid.
#2 - Start the purging and packing now. This order is specific, as the more you can purge the less you have to move.
#3 - Relocation details - I'm assuming there's a package? Get the details on whether it's a lump-sum or service package (IE, stack of cash vs. specific things or cash allocated to certain things)
#4 - Positivity - even if you're not the biggest fan, try to find the positives for the kids. Talk about history of the area and find some fun things to look forward to. Have them make their own moving plan and things they'd like in a new place. Planning helps take some of the angst of change out of it, as it will let them feel some level of control and influence on it.
It could have taken less time, but I spent my first 12-18 months being a workaholic.
Note that I proactively met new people, and even then, I had to befriend 3 separate social circles before I felt like I had a real social life.
At the time I gathered all my friends IMs and emails (it was before facebook, hah) and mom comforted me by buying me some new video games. If they are younger they will probably bounce back even faster than I did. I will say that moving was actually pretty excellent bonding for me and my mom and stepdad, We faced a lot of challenges together, and the first few months I really was only interacting with them and my friends on the internet. Be prepared that they may just be a little down when they first get there, as they will have all the boredom and social stress without a lot of the planning and logistics to distract them.
I guess I can talk more about my experience with it, but I'm not sure how relevant it would be depending on the age of your kids, and everyone is different and will cope differently.
1. Yes, it's a package. They have a company we have to deal with, and that includes moving our stuff. They do give us a lump sum for unexpected/optional stuff like if we have to fly out again before the move or fly back here after the move, etc.
2. Not only will we definitely rent, we can't afford to buy a house yet. One of the things that nudged us this way though is that we will probably be able to afford to buy a house in that area in 2-5 years, whereas here we'd probably afford to buy a home on the 5th of never.
3. @Iruka thanks for sharing your experience from a kid's perspective. My older two children will be 9 and 12 when we move and will be entering 4th & 7th grade. The older one is moving to a new school regardless as he's going from elementary to jr. high, though he pointed out to us that even though not all of his friends are attending the same jr high/middle school, he would have at least had friends at both of the options out here. I'm also glad to hear about your school situation because my boys are in a gifted and talented program out here where all the g&t kids are in the same class full time. It's a great school, national blue ribbon award winner, etc. The districts out there don't have any kind of program like that for their gifted kids. The highest regarded school districts are in the richest areas (of course, and ffs if I could afford to spend half a million dollars on a house I'd just stay here) and so we're going with a district that is affordable for us, not quite as good but still excellent (so I've been told) and trying to find somewhere in the attendance areas of the best rated schools in that district. But I'm afraid they're going to come home from school and tell me that everything they're being taught they already learned the year before and they'll get bored and become discipline problems.
Oh and I have offered to let the younger one have his own email address, and I told them we could get skype or vent or whatever it is the kids are using now (I have not kept up with internet voice chat tech because I don't like voice chat) so at least the older one can talk to his friends, and he plays games with some of his friends on steam already. I was going to get them each a little book so they can collect phone numbers, email addresses, steam ID's, actual addresses (though when I suggested that the younger one could actually write a letter to send via mail to friends who didn't have email they both looked at me like I was crazy).
Wii: 4521 1146 5179 1333 Pearl: 3394 4642 8367 HG: 1849 3913 3132
I would be prepared for a lot of eye rolling and huffy attitude, but in a world where most american kids want to be the most interesting person in the room, they may actually do pretty well and be excited and adventurous. If you're kids have any hobbies outside of school, I would go out of your way to find ways to support them. For me it was art and videogames, and my parents looked for art programs and let me retract a bit into my games when we first arrived. I remember eating out a lot with them, finding the new places we'd want to go get burgers and such, that was fun.
In school, I ended up being both ahead and behind, my math skills have always been sub par, and my english/social studies skills excellent. I coasted through high school everywhere but math, but I always had a primary goal (art) and it was what I always poured all my effort into. Moving did not have a huge effect on how seriously I took school. I may have even done a little better, at first, when I just needed something to do.
Your kids probably have their own concerns. If they think Dallas is going to be super lame, plan a trip down to Austin and just check out some of the stuff you can do with kids, we have tons of conventions, and probably some progressive nerdy camps. If they like food, they are going to get along with texas pretty great. If they like being outdoorsy, again, its a good fit. Be excited and adventurous yourself and your kids will probably follow in spirit. In the end if they are social kids, they are probably going to have an easier time transitioning than you will, which you may not be ready for!
And this is despite the fact that I started meeting people online when I was, no joke, 10 or 11 years old myself, except back then it was an online service called Prodigy, and I started calling BBS's when I was 13. I had younger brothers who started with some of this stuff even younger than me. I met my first boyfriend online. I met my husband online (he was a sysop at one of the BBS's I called). Nothing terrible ever happened to me, but I compare my age, my siblings' ages and what we were up to and the ages of my boys, and I'm just like "NUH UH. NO WAY." And seriously, when I think about the people I met and the places we'd go and the fact that there were no cell phones back then I'm amazed I wasn't raped or murdered and chopped into little bits and buried in the Cleveland National Forest.
Wii: 4521 1146 5179 1333 Pearl: 3394 4642 8367 HG: 1849 3913 3132
Feel free to message me if you've got any questions for a recent transplant
As far as school I went to one of the worst DISD schools and even they had advanced classes for kids who were doing better than their peers. I can only assume those programs have improved in time and are even better in the nicer districts. Once you do get out there I'd highly recommend talking to your kids' counselor about the options they have.
But, we're here. We ended up driving across the country at the end of July. My oldest joined us via airplane two weeks later (he had a thing). They're in school, they're in scouts, the 9 year old found a gymnastics team. The 9 year old also got invited to his first birthday party on Saturday, and the 12 year old seems to be making friends. They do still keep in contact with some of their friends back home. I went back, alone, in September to see my newborn nephew. It was a deal breaker for me to get to be there, but it did hurt my heart to have to leave my boys here - we just couldn't afford for everyone to fly back. I am determined to buy tickets for all of us to fly back for a month in the summer next year (my husband will only get to come for two weeks because of his vacation time allotment - he gets more than that but I'd like him to be home some for other times of the year). The kids seem to be adjusting...okay. The oldest just told his uncle on the phone today that he likes California better. The 3 year old tells me that our old home is so far away and he wants to go back. He misses our family. But my mom's husband is going to fly out after Christmas (he's my 3 year old's favorite, and my mom can't leave because she's the primary caregiver for my grandmother, who has late stage dementia) so hopefully that will help him. They facetime a lot. My 9 year old keeps getting "injured" the days he has gym practice, and I send him anyway because it never ends up actually keeping him from practice, and he ends up having a fine time. I'm getting tired of having that argument though. But...it's only been a few months, they seem to be doing okay.
I am...you know, less okay. I have no family here and my kids have never been watched by anyone who wasn't family (other than going to preshchool, stuff like that) and I'm not sure if I'm ready for/can afford something like a babysitter. So...no more dates, I guess. Also, right before we found out about all this I realized I have an anxiety problem. The news and the move did not help. It took a while to find a doctor out here but I'm taking some new meds that...maybe help? But I am this weird mix of really busy and so incredibly lonely. I'm still unpacking (it takes longer than I thought) and trying to set up the house, and keep it clean, get it organized. Taking the kids to their things, volunteering with scouts, etc. When I'm busy I don't think too much about it. I pay for my youngest to go to preschool 3x a week because it's the only time I get away from him and I NEED time. He's like a miniature tornado. When I'm here, and it's quiet, I'm so damn lonely. I don't know how to make friends anymore. I don't know if I even want to try. I mean, what if I can't stand living here? Who knows how long we'll be here? Why should I make friends only to leave again? Also, who wants to make friends with someone who, when they get close and open up, will probably just blubber all over them about how homesick they are? Meanwhile my friends at home...don't really talk to me much. I've written them emails a couple of times and get sporadic replies. I know all of my friends are in the same stage of life I am, with kids, super busy...but it sort of feels like I stopped existing when I left. It's not a great thing to think about. I think about getting out, finding a hobby or something, and I've kind of tentatively looked into things, but we're in this weird dead zone in the suburbs and the things I am interested in doing are far enough away that I start doing the math of drive time and think to myself "do I really have time to go do these things?" I'm probably being defeatist about it. I get into these moods where I just plain don't want to leave my house. I have some of the things I always wanted - a house that's ours (renting, but still), space for everything...but it feels like a failure that we can only have it HERE and not at home. If I stop to really think about it I get really depressed and the only answer is to stay so busy that I DON'T think about it, and that doesn't seem like a healthy answer.
So, that's what's going on.
Wii: 4521 1146 5179 1333 Pearl: 3394 4642 8367 HG: 1849 3913 3132
For context, I moved here with my family in the fifth grade. It was rough at the time, but it all worked out.
As far as making friends only to maybe leave, that's fine. We're social creatures, people who grew up in military families make friends with people all the time, even though they know they'll be moving soon.
You're in a new place! With none of the people you know! Crap!
As you have kids, I'd just start with other parents that seem nice, as some are likely in a similar place around their friend group being changed due to kids.
Also understand it takes longer than 4 months to adapt and thrive, so don't beat yourself up about it. Find things to enjoy about the new place and most importantly - try to get out of the house. You won't meet anyone new there (or if you do, you should be very very concerned with your home security).