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Apparently I'm getting divorced.
Shocked and Awed
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello, H/A.
Earlier this evening, my wife surprised me by letting me know she wants to get divorced. I don't particularly want to get into her reasoning.
Here's some pertinent details:
We own our home. Or, rather, the bank does, and we pay a mortgage. Currently the house is worth about 20 grand less than what we owe on it. I don't have any wish to continue to own this home after a divorce. It's a small town, the land was given to us from a trust in her family's name.
We run a home business, which I will no longer be a part of after everything is said and done. Sadly, the home business is my sole source of employment, and has been for 2 years.
We have no children.
We've been married a few months shy of 9 years.
I've been trying to rationalize what I should do next, but I don't think that part of my brain is working all that great right now.
So, help me out. What are my first steps? And then what?
Earlier this evening, my wife surprised me by letting me know she wants to get divorced. I don't particularly want to get into her reasoning.
Here's some pertinent details:
We own our home. Or, rather, the bank does, and we pay a mortgage. Currently the house is worth about 20 grand less than what we owe on it. I don't have any wish to continue to own this home after a divorce. It's a small town, the land was given to us from a trust in her family's name.
We run a home business, which I will no longer be a part of after everything is said and done. Sadly, the home business is my sole source of employment, and has been for 2 years.
We have no children.
We've been married a few months shy of 9 years.
I've been trying to rationalize what I should do next, but I don't think that part of my brain is working all that great right now.
So, help me out. What are my first steps? And then what?
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Concerning your employment, depending on the circumstances of business ownership your wife may or may not be able to divest you from the company without compensation, and even if it was a small business that is still resume-relevant work experience. Do you have a resume prepared? Do you want to continue in the same line of work?
I have a resume prepared from my job hunt before we started the business. I can certainly add in what I've been doing and make it seem relevant. And, my involvement in our business isn't something I wanted to do in the first place. I would have rather gotten a new job after being laid off, but as time went by and no job was forthcoming, we basically fell into a situation where I ran the business and she has a full time job outside of the house. So no, it's not something I'd like to continue.
I'm sorry if I'm all over the place with my replies. Today is more difficult than last night was.
One of the big jobs that the lawyer will do besides law stuff is help act as a negotiator and advocate for you that isn't all wrapped up in this emotionally. You can't expect to be level headed about this but you should have somebody on your side who can be.
Try to keep your ears perked for if they need you sign a quit claim deed. You might not be able to avoid it. The quit claim removes your name from all equity in the house, but they can still go after you if your wife defaults, and that's not a pleasant surprise to have to deal with.
Disclaimer: I work at a mortgage servicer, these are general tips and may not apply directly to your situation, etc.
Chicago Megagame group
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The thing about marriages is that you have vested interests in thing. So even though you don't want to continue operating the business, or living in the house (that's underwater), they're still in your name (unless you and your wife have done a lot of financial mumbo-jumbo to keep it separate). If your name is on the deed, then you're on the hook. If your name is on the DBA or financial records for the business, you're on the hook. You need a lawyer to navigate these issues because if you don't, you could be left holding the bag.
An example: If you stop working in the business, and you and your soon-to-be ex-wife start losing money, you could be liable because you did it as a response to the divorce.
Get in touch with a lawyer ASAP.
Figure out what you need to do to protect yourself from them. Kill joint cards, get a bank account set up just in your name, get your financials in order (find out from the lawyer what's legal here), etc.
You are probably even entitled to alimony as you get your life together. But the house and business will probably need to be liquidated due to the divorce and lawyers are really your only option here, even if it takes a long time and expensive. Not getting one is going to be more expensive and be even longer.
All of Bowen's post is gold, but this is platinum. Even if it is amicable you will be navigating a massive amount of legal requirements to split assets and a lawyer will help you navigate that. In addition, you may want to accelerate it faster than your spouse does since stretching these things out usually creates more tension and animosity (and thus messy legal battles) than a clean break.
The lawyer will be the impartial entity here to let you know if you're getting screwed, which a lot of people do because "they just want this over."
I guess once I get my head on a little more straight I'll look for a lawyer. I say that because I'm finding it really difficult to concentrate and make decisions. I've actually got a buddy who is both a pastor and a counselor that I'll be having a long talk with this evening, so hopefully that will help too.
I'm going to go the opposite as everyone here. If your wife and you are still on semi-decent speaking terms you might see if you two can come to an agreement and skip the lawyers.
When my wife and I got divorced we skipped the lawyers, divided up the stuff and went on our way. We actually got the whole thing finished in one day since nothing was contested. It was just both of us going to court, filling out a few papers, paying about $200 for filing fees and that was it.
This is exactly why a lawyer can help. They are emotionally separated from the situation and can advocate for you (this is important for her, as well).
Normally I'm all for trying a divorce lawyer-free; My and ex and I did it fine while in opposite ends of the country, but with a house and a business involved there is no way in good conscience I could recommend trying this lawyer free. Especially with a business involved and all the extra legal and financial issues that could create.
In amicable divorces the lawyer is really there just to make sure all of your ducks are in a row so you don't get screwed years down the line. That's all this lawyer needs to be, but if the proceedings go south then you'd be very happy the lawyer was already there and working for you.
This. My wife had her own business before we got married, and a prenuptial agreement helped get all these things sorted out just in case the worst happens. I was going to ask if S&A had one, but I assumed no, since they were married for so long before S&A listed it as his sole source of income.
Chicago Megagame group
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Just a point, it isn't exactly mutual. Unless I'm really misreading things S&A wasn't looking to end this and she was. This pretty much guarantees she's given more thought to the consequences of this and how she wants it to play out and she's doing it in a completely different mindset than S&A would be right now. I don't expect the user name is a coincidence and the whole point of Shock and Awe is you make horrible decisions while you're suffering from it.
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But that business venture is important, and if OP was unemployed for a period of time, he may be due alimony if she continued to work. Unless the business is turning lots of profit (more than 50k a year), he's probably taken a hit on his career for his family. It's not unlike having kids and one of the parents staying home. If they do have kids and he was taking care of them, that's even more reason to get a lawyer.
In no particular order:
There is no pre-nup, the business has only existed legally for about a year and half. And no, it's most certainly not making more than 50k year. Given enough time, I think it could do that, but it's a niche market.
She had definitely given it way more thought than me. Since I didn't know it was even coming, and she's already discussed it with at least some of her friends and her parents. At this point, we're still amicable enough. I'm resentful, angry, and sad, but most of that isn't directed at her so much as it's directed at the complete and utter waste of time that this makes the last 2 years of my life.
In terms of equitable splits and property and money and such, in order for me to get anything out of my wife, she would have to liquidate the home, which would mean closing the business. I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to lose the home or the land, or to lose the business which had more or less been her dream for a while. If that means that all I get when this ends is whatever bit of cash she can scrape up, that's fine. I've got two friends that are very recently divorced, so there's probably going to be a "sad men's club" forming up pretty soon.
I guess all I would need a lawyer for is to make sure that, legally, I'm not on the hook for any financial stuff that may (and probably will) go south after I make my graceful exit. But who knows, this is 100% new to me, so maybe my outlook will change.
Maybe you don't want to take those things away from her, but maybe she doesn't want you to have that Hank Aaron baseball card because she never loved Hank like you did.
Yea, or if you had a lawyer he could suggest a way for you to get some of the communal property without crippling the business. Like, is the business incorporated? That's cheap and once it is your part of the settlement might be that you own x% of it. The concept that it is hers when it is clearly tying up all the assets of both of you is silly and an emotional response because you're used to thinking about "we" while she has moved on to thinking about "I" and you haven't made the same switch yet.
Get a lawyer. Tell them your priorities and if they give you shit about working out an accommodation that will let the business continue while still giving you some of the community property then find a different lawyer. A good lawyer is going to do the best to represent you while respecting any limits you give them.
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It's less that I'm still thinking about 'we' and more that I'm an enough of an adult to understand that getting my fair share doesn't need to mean screwing over another person. Not to mention we've got a bunch of pets, and where are they all going to end up if the house has to be sold? I'll take the hit if my dogs don't have to live in a kennel until they either get put down or adopted. (And no, I'm not taking or asking for custody of the dogs. That's something I might try and work out when I figure out where I'll be living.)
You need some advice from someone who isn't so close to this.
Since there are no kids and it seems like it might be amicable you may be well served to look into settling/filing this divorce without both of you securing your own counsel. If you guys can avoid getting mean, then maybe you can both walk away from this with minimal expense. If this seems possible look into counsel that may cater to uncontested divorce.
These statements sound like the sort of man who is still clinging to the vain hope that she'll change her mind and everything will be hunky-dory again. I know the announcement blindsided you, and you still have feelings for her, but remember this:
She doesn't mind screwing you over. She doesn't mind you losing your home or land.
I know that saying this makes her out to be some sort of heartless bitch, and that's probably not really the case. Certainly she's never vocalized as much? But ultimately it is true, even if in just a slight way, and it's been true the moment that she revealed her divorce intentions--that was the moment when she stated "I no longer love you nor even care about you enough to put up with you," and if you want to get through this thing as quickly and painlessly as possible, you're going to have to get on board with that.
Because we were dirt fucking poor with no assets what so ever that could be fought over, no kids, no pets. Nothing.
Get a lawyer, if nothing else, get a lawyer to buttress up your broken heart. You were invested in this and have said you didn't see it coming. You need strength and as someone who pounded their fists on the floor and screamed their heart out, I say you need a lawyer.
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What I haven't seen: The state you live in is important. That's nothing you have to share publicly, but understand that domestic relations law (aka, divorce) can be very different state to state.
Does she want the house and property? You indicated that the land came from her family's trust, so I'd guess she is more attached to it than you are. If that's the case, you can probably arrange for her to take over the house and make a term of the divorce that she refinances entirely in her own name within a given time period (six months, a year, etc).
The business is something she wants. That's good, you don't want to ruin it, but you also indicated she has a full time job outside the home. You shouldn't feel any obligation to the business regardless, but if the business is only a year and a half old it's likely she's not dependent on the business. You also think the business is likely to fail without your contributions, so be frank with her about it but don't feel overly obligated to the business. If she wants it, she can start the business up again. You'll definitely want a lawyer to at least check and confirm you have no responsibility for any aspect of the business.
Most of what you can do seems like it can be amicably resolved, but make sure a lawyer looks everything over and gets your ducks in a row. There may be pitfalls you haven't anticipated and you want to make sure that nothing comes back to haunt you down the line.
In the meantime, start brushing up your resume and looking for jobs and places to live. You can find somewhere to live with your pets, and long term arrangements (hell, even custody schedules) can be arranged. If you're entirely dependent on the business and she has an outside source of income, there's a good chance you can get alimony to help bridge the gap until you are self-sufficient.
Just remember that you are divorcing. If everything can be amicable that's good, but your obligation to her and her future happiness is entirely up to you. She's not your wife when you're divorced. A lot of people just want to get it done and over with, and if that's your mentality that's good, but make it as much on your terms as possible. Think of this as a business arrangement between friends, and don't be surprised if she tries to play you - remember, unless you are completely oblivious, this came out of the blue and she's had more time to think about it and through it than you.
Taking some time while you get your side of things together and put some thought into what you want is good, you have a lot of control over how fast or slow things go, and don't commit or agree to anything (and don't move out) until you are ready and have your head together.
While you can get a divorce done without an attorney it is not easy. My co-worker (is a paralegal) who recently got a divorce from his wife (an attorney). They have two kids together and a home. To hear him tell it, it was painful, but relatively easy because of their legal backgrounds. I know he went to the local courthouse at least once a week for free seminars. I should say that neither of these people are involved in Divorce's professionally.
They went to mediators (non-practicing attorneys and former judges) frequently. It can be done, but it is not easy. There is a lot of legwork outside of the official forms that need to be agreed on, and if you can separate yourself from that, more power to you. Most people cannot.
Good luck.
Steam Me
Because you need to document the whole house, get copies of every document you have for the business, etc. Paranoid? A bit. But better to trouble yourself now then later.
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