It's not that alone that discourages me, like I said I've never been able to make myself sign up in, er, how long have these things existed for now? Yeah
And yeah, I'm far too online... I think that's a requirement to have been posting here for more than 20 years, right?
I was never able to make myself pull the trigger on signing up on any dating app, even back in the day. Knowing they're infested with AI bots and whatnot now just makes me even less inclined to do so.
Not that I ever end up meeting anyone IRL, either, for many reasons.
Ho hum.
forever_alone.jpg
I miss :bro: as a solidarity reaction for posts. :Witness me: was pretty good too.
I have this exact same problem. I can't trust the apps, but there's nowhere to meet human beings in the real world anymore either.
I was never able to make myself pull the trigger on signing up on any dating app, even back in the day. Knowing they're infested with AI bots and whatnot now just makes me even less inclined to do so.
Not that I ever end up meeting anyone IRL, either, for many reasons.
Ho hum.
forever_alone.jpg
This is like saying you'll never use email because you could occasionally get some spam. Yeah, there are some fake profiles, but they are hardly in the majority for any serious dating site. Just stick the well known sites and apply basic caution and you'll be entirely fine.
I was never able to make myself pull the trigger on signing up on any dating app, even back in the day. Knowing they're infested with AI bots and whatnot now just makes me even less inclined to do so.
Not that I ever end up meeting anyone IRL, either, for many reasons.
Ho hum.
forever_alone.jpg
I miss :bro: as a solidarity reaction for posts. :Witness me: was pretty good too.
I have this exact same problem. I can't trust the apps, but there's nowhere to meet human beings in the real world anymore either.
There are still real world places, but it tends to be centered around activities and therefore is highly dependent on where you live. And also if you can afford to work said activities into your life both in terms of money and time. I know several couples that met via rock climbing gyms but that won't help anyone not near a rock climbing gym or who isn't interested in it. Ditto dance communities. Or any number of activity spaces I could mention. One couple I'm friends with that are now engaged are from my Muay Thai/BJJ/Krav Maga martial arts gym though admittedly that place is a bit stacked against hetero men numbers wise even at a martial arts gym that multiple women have said has a better vibe than the vast majority out there.
In terms of ostensibly free spaces (given gender ratios and certain dynamics, hetero men benefit greatly for springing for some professional photos and a good wardrobe. Though I'd argue the latter is good for one's mental health and sense of identity regardless) to just try and meet people interested in dating, dating apps are one of the only options these days.
All that said, I've only really encountered bots on Tinder. The other apps I've used (Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, OK Cupid back when it was good not trying to imitate younger apps) have some aspects that make it not as readily potentially profitable for bots. If my current real life prospects don't pan out, I can confidently say that on non-Tinder apps any match will not be a bot but an actual Indian man trying to sell me on a crypto scam.
I was never able to make myself pull the trigger on signing up on any dating app, even back in the day. Knowing they're infested with AI bots and whatnot now just makes me even less inclined to do so.
Not that I ever end up meeting anyone IRL, either, for many reasons.
Ho hum.
forever_alone.jpg
I miss :bro: as a solidarity reaction for posts. :Witness me: was pretty good too.
I have this exact same problem. I can't trust the apps, but there's nowhere to meet human beings in the real world anymore either.
There are still real world places, but it tends to be centered around activities and therefore is highly dependent on where you live. And also if you can afford to work said activities into your life both in terms of money and time. I know several couples that met via rock climbing gyms but that won't help anyone not near a rock climbing gym or who isn't interested in it. Ditto dance communities. Or any number of activity spaces I could mention. One couple I'm friends with that are now engaged are from my Muay Thai/BJJ/Krav Maga martial arts gym though admittedly that place is a bit stacked against hetero men numbers wise even at a martial arts gym that multiple women have said has a better vibe than the vast majority out there.
In terms of ostensibly free spaces (given gender ratios and certain dynamics, hetero men benefit greatly for springing for some professional photos and a good wardrobe. Though I'd argue the latter is good for one's mental health and sense of identity regardless) to just try and meet people interested in dating, dating apps are one of the only options these days.
All that said, I've only really encountered bots on Tinder. The other apps I've used (Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, OK Cupid back when it was good not trying to imitate younger apps) have some aspects that make it not as readily potentially profitable for bots. If my current real life prospects don't pan out, I can confidently say that on non-Tinder apps any match will not be a bot but an actual Indian man trying to sell me on a crypto scam.
I'm definitely stuck in my own head, and talk myself out of trying anything before giving it a chance, because "mathematically" in my head nothing should work out.
- For online dating, I hate pictures of myself, I'm not attractive enough to get anyone's interest, and you can send out 1000s of messages and never get a reply from a real person, only scam artists and bots
- I looked into speed dating, but the only nice one near me was only open to professionals with college degrees, which is not me
- The idea of going to a bar by myself and talking to strangers, much less trying to generate a stranger's interest in me, gives me enough anxiety that I think my heart would burst like a balloon
- At the same time, going to an activity where the goal is to do that thing for its own sake, and not meet potential partners, makes me feel like a creep (moreso than how much I usually worry about, anyway). I used to go to the gym, for example, but people there were there to work out, not flirt. When I was younger I would go to a FLGS for nerdery like DnD and MtG, but the clientele was 100% male, so that's right out too.
- Mutual friends and friends of a friend are right out too, by virtue of not existing. None of my acquaintances know any single people, for whatever reason. Either already married with kids, or in the same boat as me.
I cannot visualize anything working.
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Lord_AsmodeusgoeticSobriquet:Here is your magical cryptic riddle-tumour: I AM A TIME MACHINERegistered Userregular
Nerd spaces are increasingly open to and include more women than they have in the past, so if you want somewhere to hang out and possibly meet people I'd give FLGS another try, especially if you can find a chill place with a good community.
Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if Labor had not first existed. Labor is superior to capital, and deserves much the higher consideration. - Lincoln
I was never able to make myself pull the trigger on signing up on any dating app, even back in the day. Knowing they're infested with AI bots and whatnot now just makes me even less inclined to do so.
Not that I ever end up meeting anyone IRL, either, for many reasons.
Ho hum.
forever_alone.jpg
I miss :bro: as a solidarity reaction for posts. :Witness me: was pretty good too.
I have this exact same problem. I can't trust the apps, but there's nowhere to meet human beings in the real world anymore either.
There are still real world places, but it tends to be centered around activities and therefore is highly dependent on where you live. And also if you can afford to work said activities into your life both in terms of money and time. I know several couples that met via rock climbing gyms but that won't help anyone not near a rock climbing gym or who isn't interested in it. Ditto dance communities. Or any number of activity spaces I could mention. One couple I'm friends with that are now engaged are from my Muay Thai/BJJ/Krav Maga martial arts gym though admittedly that place is a bit stacked against hetero men numbers wise even at a martial arts gym that multiple women have said has a better vibe than the vast majority out there.
In terms of ostensibly free spaces (given gender ratios and certain dynamics, hetero men benefit greatly for springing for some professional photos and a good wardrobe. Though I'd argue the latter is good for one's mental health and sense of identity regardless) to just try and meet people interested in dating, dating apps are one of the only options these days.
All that said, I've only really encountered bots on Tinder. The other apps I've used (Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, OK Cupid back when it was good not trying to imitate younger apps) have some aspects that make it not as readily potentially profitable for bots. If my current real life prospects don't pan out, I can confidently say that on non-Tinder apps any match will not be a bot but an actual Indian man trying to sell me on a crypto scam.
I'm very much this with dating:
I'm definitely stuck in my own head, and talk myself out of trying anything before giving it a chance, because "mathematically" in my head nothing should work out.
- For online dating, I hate pictures of myself, I'm not attractive enough to get anyone's interest, and you can send out 1000s of messages and never get a reply from a real person, only scam artists and bots
- I looked into speed dating, but the only nice one near me was only open to professionals with college degrees, which is not me
- The idea of going to a bar by myself and talking to strangers, much less trying to generate a stranger's interest in me, gives me enough anxiety that I think my heart would burst like a balloon
- At the same time, going to an activity where the goal is to do that thing for its own sake, and not meet potential partners, makes me feel like a creep (moreso than how much I usually worry about, anyway). I used to go to the gym, for example, but people there were there to work out, not flirt. When I was younger I would go to a FLGS for nerdery like DnD and MtG, but the clientele was 100% male, so that's right out too.
- Mutual friends and friends of a friend are right out too, by virtue of not existing. None of my acquaintances know any single people, for whatever reason. Either already married with kids, or in the same boat as me.
I cannot visualize anything working.
Somewhat obviously, a big hurdle can be our own headspaces a lot of the time. The adage of needing to love yourself before you can really love another exists for a reason.
Going to bars alone sucks in general unless they have food or drink you really enjoy enough to treat yourself to. I don't think hitting bars to meet someone has really been a thing for straight men for quite a while.
For activities, it is key that you're doing it because you enjoy it for its own sake and enjoy the people in that community. That there's a chance of meeting someone there is a secondary benefit but a significant one and there's no shame in recognizing that. Being in an activity space where people talk to each other and where women are around is also beneficial it to get used to talking with women without feeling the need to try and impress them right away for many guys. To that end, a standard gym is often not a great place for that outside of group classes. Rock Climbing and combat sport Martial Arts gyms involve group and partnered exercises which goes a long way to encouraging social interaction. But you do have to really enjoy it for its own sake. I've encountered a handful of women that felt like they came to a social dance to try and hunt down husband number X and it felt super off-putting and if often socially oblivious me can sense it, so can most women out there.
But hitting a standard gym regularly is still encouraged. Still have to do activities that make you feel better and healthier for yourself. That's part of the loving yourself thing.
I was never able to make myself pull the trigger on signing up on any dating app, even back in the day. Knowing they're infested with AI bots and whatnot now just makes me even less inclined to do so.
Not that I ever end up meeting anyone IRL, either, for many reasons.
Ho hum.
forever_alone.jpg
I miss :bro: as a solidarity reaction for posts. :Witness me: was pretty good too.
I have this exact same problem. I can't trust the apps, but there's nowhere to meet human beings in the real world anymore either.
There are still real world places, but it tends to be centered around activities and therefore is highly dependent on where you live. And also if you can afford to work said activities into your life both in terms of money and time. I know several couples that met via rock climbing gyms but that won't help anyone not near a rock climbing gym or who isn't interested in it. Ditto dance communities. Or any number of activity spaces I could mention. One couple I'm friends with that are now engaged are from my Muay Thai/BJJ/Krav Maga martial arts gym though admittedly that place is a bit stacked against hetero men numbers wise even at a martial arts gym that multiple women have said has a better vibe than the vast majority out there.
In terms of ostensibly free spaces (given gender ratios and certain dynamics, hetero men benefit greatly for springing for some professional photos and a good wardrobe. Though I'd argue the latter is good for one's mental health and sense of identity regardless) to just try and meet people interested in dating, dating apps are one of the only options these days.
All that said, I've only really encountered bots on Tinder. The other apps I've used (Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, OK Cupid back when it was good not trying to imitate younger apps) have some aspects that make it not as readily potentially profitable for bots. If my current real life prospects don't pan out, I can confidently say that on non-Tinder apps any match will not be a bot but an actual Indian man trying to sell me on a crypto scam.
I'm very much this with dating:
I'm definitely stuck in my own head, and talk myself out of trying anything before giving it a chance, because "mathematically" in my head nothing should work out.
- For online dating, I hate pictures of myself, I'm not attractive enough to get anyone's interest, and you can send out 1000s of messages and never get a reply from a real person, only scam artists and bots
- I looked into speed dating, but the only nice one near me was only open to professionals with college degrees, which is not me
- The idea of going to a bar by myself and talking to strangers, much less trying to generate a stranger's interest in me, gives me enough anxiety that I think my heart would burst like a balloon
- At the same time, going to an activity where the goal is to do that thing for its own sake, and not meet potential partners, makes me feel like a creep (moreso than how much I usually worry about, anyway). I used to go to the gym, for example, but people there were there to work out, not flirt. When I was younger I would go to a FLGS for nerdery like DnD and MtG, but the clientele was 100% male, so that's right out too.
- Mutual friends and friends of a friend are right out too, by virtue of not existing. None of my acquaintances know any single people, for whatever reason. Either already married with kids, or in the same boat as me.
I cannot visualize anything working.
Somewhat obviously, a big hurdle can be our own headspaces a lot of the time. The adage of needing to love yourself before you can really love another exists for a reason.
Going to bars alone sucks in general unless they have food or drink you really enjoy enough to treat yourself to. I don't think hitting bars to meet someone has really been a thing for straight men for quite a while.
For activities, it is key that you're doing it because you enjoy it for its own sake and enjoy the people in that community. That there's a chance of meeting someone there is a secondary benefit but a significant one and there's no shame in recognizing that. Being in an activity space where people talk to each other and where women are around is also beneficial it to get used to talking with women without feeling the need to try and impress them right away for many guys. To that end, a standard gym is often not a great place for that outside of group classes. Rock Climbing and combat sport Martial Arts gyms involve group and partnered exercises which goes a long way to encouraging social interaction. But you do have to really enjoy it for its own sake. I've encountered a handful of women that felt like they came to a social dance to try and hunt down husband number X and it felt super off-putting and if often socially oblivious me can sense it, so can most women out there.
But hitting a standard gym regularly is still encouraged. Still have to do activities that make you feel better and healthier for yourself. That's part of the loving yourself thing.
Well I had to quit the gym for unrelated reasons, but yeah, I see your point about doing things for yourself first.
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OrcaAlso known as EspressosaurusWrexRegistered Userregular
edited March 21
This is less internet dating and more dating in general, but I've noticed a few trends for me, a nerd who doesn't really do the bar scene and who doesn't have any game.
Drinks dates, whether at the bar or coffee or boba tea, simply don't work for me. Despite what felt like good chemistry a few times, I have not gotten a single second date out of a drinks-at-the-location date. edit: I guess I can think of one woman who was interested in date two, but I wasn't, so for one reason or another it just hasn't ever worked out for me.
Dinner dates are marginal. I can think of one where I would have gotten a second date, except I had a dealbreaker for her (she was looking for someone spiritual. I am not that). And my first relationship came out of a dinner date, but there were lots of calls prior and there might be a cultural thing since she went in HARD from the start.
Walking/talking/museum/etc. type dates seem to work for me better. Presumably we can get better conversations in as we observe things, maybe I'm looser, I don't know. But getting to date 2 seems to have a higher success rate for me when we're walking around a lake or something.
The format of sitting across from someone for the drinks and dinner dates might be a little too intense for a first date. It seems fine when you're both already interested in someone, but the intense eye contact without the easy physical touch might make it too much that early.
I'm curious what everyone else's experience is, since it seems like only a few of us have "it" (Blarghy? and I'm not putting myself in the category of people that have "it", whatever it is).
This is less internet dating and more dating in general, but I've noticed a few trends for me, a nerd who doesn't really do the bar scene and who doesn't have any game.
Drinks dates, whether at the bar or coffee or boba tea, simply don't work for me. Despite what felt like good chemistry a few times, I have not gotten a single second date out of a drinks-at-the-location date. edit: I guess I can think of one woman who was interested in date two, but I wasn't, so for one reason or another it just hasn't ever worked out for me.
Dinner dates are marginal. I can think of one where I would have gotten a second date, except I had a dealbreaker for her (she was looking for someone spiritual. I am not that). And my first relationship came out of a dinner date, but there were lots of calls prior and there might be a cultural thing since she went in HARD from the start.
Walking/talking/museum/etc. type dates seem to work for me better. Presumably we can get better conversations in as we observe things, maybe I'm looser, I don't know. But getting to date 2 seems to have a higher success rate for me when we're walking around a lake or something.
The format of sitting across from someone for the drinks and dinner dates might be a little too intense for a first date. It seems fine when you're both already interested in someone, but the intense eye contact without the easy physical touch might make it too much that early.
I'm curious what everyone else's experience is, since it seems like only a few of us have "it" (Blarghy? and I'm not putting myself in the category of people that have "it", whatever it is).
The main benefit of a coffee/tea/drink date is that it's faster and cheaper in case there's just no chance with someone. But ideally one also looks around for some way to extend the date to the likes of a dinner or walking/looking at neat things near the coffee/etc. date in case it does go well. It is some extra work but also has the benefit of demonstrating an ability to plan/organize things.
Forever Zefirocloaked in the midnight glory of an event horizonRegistered Userregular
Yeah, I’m a big fan of museums as the meeting point for first dates. You’re not stuck staring at each other, you’re constantly moving and seeing new stuff to talk about (when conversation dries up, which is normal and fine even when you’re vibing). And then if things are going well, you go grab some food afterwards. If the other person declines, you know they probably weren’t feeling and it’s and easy breakaway point
XBL - Foreverender | 3DS FC - 1418 6696 1012 | Steam ID | LoL
Its not the intensity of a sit down date that works against it, its the static nature of it. Its very hard to keep the date escalating when there's a table in between you unless you are very good at verbally escalating (aka teasing or innuendo).
On a walk date, you're both going to be moving around, giving opportunities for all sorts of different physical interactions that can keep things moving along, even if all it is accidentally bumping or brushing each other. Conversation doesn't have to hold the entirety of the date in that case.
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OrcaAlso known as EspressosaurusWrexRegistered Userregular
Its not the intensity of a sit down date that works against it, its the static nature of it. Its very hard to keep the date escalating when there's a table in between you unless you are very good at verbally escalating (aka teasing or innuendo).
On a walk date, you're both going to be moving around, giving opportunities for all sorts of different physical interactions that can keep things moving along, even if all it is accidentally bumping or brushing each other. Conversation doesn't have to hold the entirety of the date in that case.
Heh, yeah. I have noticed the rate of "accidental" bumping while walking to correlate well with interest. It's not 100%, but when it's there it's there and hard to ignore. Which is probably the point!
I feel like I'm trying to reverse-engineer observations that are probably obvious to kids by the time they hit the 9th grade, heh.
Yeah, I’m a big fan of museums as the meeting point for first dates. You’re not stuck staring at each other, you’re constantly moving and seeing new stuff to talk about (when conversation dries up, which is normal and fine even when you’re vibing). And then if things are going well, you go grab some food afterwards. If the other person declines, you know they probably weren’t feeling and it’s and easy breakaway point
I think I mentioned it a while ago in this thread, but my wife and I met online (OKCupid when it was still good, about 8 years ago). Our first date was to the museum of natural history - if the we didn’t click, at least we got to see dinosaurs and the afternoon couldn’t be all bad! We spent about 3 hours wandering around the various exhibits; she almost broke one of the “please touch” ones that she touched a bit harder than she expected, and I almost broke a globe in the same place (in my defense, the globe didn’t turn when I tried to spin it - who makes a globe that doesn’t spin?! They have since encased the globe in plastic ). We had a good laugh about it. As we were leaving, I asked her if she wanted to grab some food and drinks at a pub nearby, and the rest is history.
Got another match on OK Cupid, I liked her back in January and she liked back in March. We hit it off right away and happened to both be going to PAX so we made a date of it and it went very well. At least, I assume it's a good sign when a girl pulls you in close and gets very intense about how she needs to see you again soon.
Bumble matches just not writing something within 24 hours? Fair, fair.
Someone actively unmatching me during the 24 hours? Oof.
Yeah, it sucks. Happens every so often though. I try not to get too excited until date #2. Everything prior has a high chance of flaming out in my experience.
Regarding delayed connections, I've had women match with me after the fact literally years later, at least on Facebook dating.
As in, I Liked her profile back in early/mid 2020, and we matched in mid 2022.
Thanks for reaching out, but I’m actively living with someone now. My profile had been suspended for almost the entire time.
Regarding bumble, I see that they’re considering allowing men to message first, so… it’d just be tinder? Or to allow women to select from pre-generated first messages? Which feels like a tacit admission that “hi” is still a universal opening/copout.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
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Lord_AsmodeusgoeticSobriquet:Here is your magical cryptic riddle-tumour: I AM A TIME MACHINERegistered Userregular
It's hardly a unique observation and certainly not a universal one, but it is amusingly ironic. The majority of times I've been messaged by women first, Bumble or otherwise, they led off with some variation of Hi or Hey and essentially put the ball in your court to come up with like an actual introductory message.
Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if Labor had not first existed. Labor is superior to capital, and deserves much the higher consideration. - Lincoln
It's hardly a unique observation and certainly not a universal one, but it is amusingly ironic. The majority of times I've been messaged by women first, Bumble or otherwise, they led off with some variation of Hi or Hey and essentially put the ball in your court to come up with like an actual introductory message.
It’s been my biggest frustration with the platform for years, when I’ve used it.
I’ve probably said this before, but it’s extra ironic juxtaposed against a history of being on other dating sites, like OKCupid, where literally hundreds of profiles I’ve seen included variations on “if you just plan to say Hi or use a copy pasted opener, don’t bother”, and then to find that when forced to make the first move… a substantial number of women fall back on “Hi.”
Suddenly crafting a witty and funny opener isn’t so easy!
I’ve been out of the game for years, but a mobile game I play has ads for bumble, and it makes me chuckle when they come up, because the faked messages they have users sending are an order of magnitude more effort than I ever saw on the platform.
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Started exchanging messages on Hinge with someone over the weekend and now we are planning to meet up sometime next week. She's traveling this weekend and her schedule is pretty packed hence the wait.
She seemed pretty enthusiastic about meeting up so that's a good sign, just slightly in my head about the time between now and the date.
I feel like in online dating is easy for conversations and interest to just fizzle out the longer they go (either because of lack of communication or because too much communication), which is why I try to ask them out early.
Decided to give FB dating another go after reworking my profile wording. The results are a mixed bag ranging from meh to WTF. I'm getting a lot more hits, but sweet jeebus are they not what I'm after.
One lady actually talked, but she's mentioned her ex roughly every two replies. I sympathized, but maybe get over your ex before you start looking again?
Then there are the random WTF messages.
The entirety of one message was "Want some black dick?" That was the whole message. No foreplay, no build up, not even a Hi, or perhaps a I know your profle says women only but might I tempt you with....
Another was a couple looking for a third to which I stated no thank you. They were at least polite in their offer and reply to my declining them. Another standout reply was when I asked someone what they do for fun and their reply was "I like to fuck". I appreciate the honesty and I'm of a similar opinion on said physical activity, but maybe list some other hobbies with it?
After getting fed up with FB's nonsense I've decided to try OK Cupid and Boo. OKC seems to be more of the same, which makes sense given who owns it. Boo seems more interesting, like it's trying to create a community of sorts. Still too money hungry for my liking, and their prices seem ridiculous, but it does seem to be trying something different.
Started exchanging messages on Hinge with someone over the weekend and now we are planning to meet up sometime next week. She's traveling this weekend and her schedule is pretty packed hence the wait.
She seemed pretty enthusiastic about meeting up so that's a good sign, just slightly in my head about the time between now and the date.
I feel like in online dating is easy for conversations and interest to just fizzle out the longer they go (either because of lack of communication or because too much communication), which is why I try to ask them out early.
Have a date scheduled with her on Friday!
It's been interesting bc apart from our initial conversation we haven't actually exchanged tons of messages.
Part of would normally think that she's not interested but when we been planning the date she has seemed enthusiastic. Turned out we had a lot of favorite local spots that we both liked so that was nice too.
And I think that since we didn't do the pen pal thing, we should actually have plenty to talk about.
Started exchanging messages on Hinge with someone over the weekend and now we are planning to meet up sometime next week. She's traveling this weekend and her schedule is pretty packed hence the wait.
She seemed pretty enthusiastic about meeting up so that's a good sign, just slightly in my head about the time between now and the date.
I feel like in online dating is easy for conversations and interest to just fizzle out the longer they go (either because of lack of communication or because too much communication), which is why I try to ask them out early.
Have a date scheduled with her on Friday!
It's been interesting bc apart from our initial conversation we haven't actually exchanged tons of messages.
Part of would normally think that she's not interested but when we been planning the date she has seemed enthusiastic. Turned out we had a lot of favorite local spots that we both liked so that was nice too.
And I think that since we didn't do the pen pal thing, we should actually have plenty to talk about.
It may feel weird in this day and age, but some people are just not big texters, or maybe that's something that blooms over time. Your gut is correct and you should gauge it by how they show up in person vs text. It's gonna be great and I hope you both have a good time!
Started exchanging messages on Hinge with someone over the weekend and now we are planning to meet up sometime next week. She's traveling this weekend and her schedule is pretty packed hence the wait.
She seemed pretty enthusiastic about meeting up so that's a good sign, just slightly in my head about the time between now and the date.
I feel like in online dating is easy for conversations and interest to just fizzle out the longer they go (either because of lack of communication or because too much communication), which is why I try to ask them out early.
Have a date scheduled with her on Friday!
It's been interesting bc apart from our initial conversation we haven't actually exchanged tons of messages.
Part of would normally think that she's not interested but when we been planning the date she has seemed enthusiastic. Turned out we had a lot of favorite local spots that we both liked so that was nice too.
And I think that since we didn't do the pen pal thing, we should actually have plenty to talk about.
I dated a woman whose intention was this, short brief messages to try to get to an early date to see if in person anything worked. Instead we ended up texting all day everyday for the week+ before the first date.
I tend to just go with the flow on stuff like this. Feels less stressful.
Conversation flowed really went the entire time. Theres tons i like about her already.
We went to a brewery that serves pizza and ended up getting free cheese sticks. I think the waiter most have realized we were on a first date and did us a solid.
Walked her back to her car and asked if she would be interested a second date next week and she said yes. Confirmed it when I sent a "hope you got home safe, let's figure out a day for next week on Monday"
So yeah, went as well as I could possibly expect!
Now just got a thing aabout date #2:
I am horrible at flirting. Like I'm great at talking and engaging but I'm really self conscious about trying to be flirty.
Well I am about to have a date in a couple hours. Supposedly.
She doesn't want to "go out".
From our conversation and her style of communication I get the distinct feeling that I am just here as a glorified sex toy/object fuckboy. Guess I will find out.
Conversation flowed really went the entire time. Theres tons i like about her already.
We went to a brewery that serves pizza and ended up getting free cheese sticks. I think the waiter most have realized we were on a first date and did us a solid.
Walked her back to her car and asked if she would be interested a second date next week and she said yes. Confirmed it when I sent a "hope you got home safe, let's figure out a day for next week on Monday"
So yeah, went as well as I could possibly expect!
Now just got a thing aabout date #2:
I am horrible at flirting. Like I'm great at talking and engaging but I'm really self conscious about trying to be flirty.
You don't need to be a flirt, just be honest. "I really enjoy talking to you", "I had never thought about it that way, that's really insightful" genuine compliments that may feel very obvious are great, even something simple like, "I really like that outfit you choose, the colors really stand out on you". Don't worry, just keep doing what you're doing!
Well, 2nd date isn't happening anytime soon. Or maybe it won't happen?
We were suppose to meet up this past week but she mentioned life being super hectic. She had a work trip on Tuesday but offered Monday. Awesome, we would figure something out this weekend.
Well, she had to cancel since life is still hectic and she hasn't even planned for the work in trip.
Totally understandable, told her it was fine, added some banter and asked if she wanted to meet up after her trip.
She responded to the banter but offered nothing about meeting up.
This all wouldn't be so anxiety causing if we were messaging more but we're not. She's slow to respond and and we don't message much, though when we do she seems engaged.
At this point I have no idea where I stand with her. I almost want to be "Hey, are you still interested? If not, it's totally fine!" But I don't think that comes off great.
Boo seems more interesting, like it's trying to create a community of sorts. Still too money hungry for my liking, and their prices seem ridiculous, but it does seem to be trying something different.
Regarding this point, are there any apps out there that aren't going to run at least $40/mo to have any type of shot at getting results?
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Powerpuppiesdrinking coffee in themountain cabinRegistered Userregular
Well, 2nd date isn't happening anytime soon. Or maybe it won't happen?
We were suppose to meet up this past week but she mentioned life being super hectic. She had a work trip on Tuesday but offered Monday. Awesome, we would figure something out this weekend.
Well, she had to cancel since life is still hectic and she hasn't even planned for the work in trip.
Totally understandable, told her it was fine, added some banter and asked if she wanted to meet up after her trip.
She responded to the banter but offered nothing about meeting up.
This all wouldn't be so anxiety causing if we were messaging more but we're not. She's slow to respond and and we don't message much, though when we do she seems engaged.
At this point I have no idea where I stand with her. I almost want to be "Hey, are you still interested? If not, it's totally fine!" But I don't think that comes off great.
Yeah this is common and it sucks! Sometimes they weren't interested, sometimes they were interested but they aren't anymore after two weeks of chaos intervenes, sometimes they're still interested and it works out
+7
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Forever Zefirocloaked in the midnight glory of an event horizonRegistered Userregular
Well, 2nd date isn't happening anytime soon. Or maybe it won't happen?
We were suppose to meet up this past week but she mentioned life being super hectic. She had a work trip on Tuesday but offered Monday. Awesome, we would figure something out this weekend.
Well, she had to cancel since life is still hectic and she hasn't even planned for the work in trip.
Totally understandable, told her it was fine, added some banter and asked if she wanted to meet up after her trip.
She responded to the banter but offered nothing about meeting up.
This all wouldn't be so anxiety causing if we were messaging more but we're not. She's slow to respond and and we don't message much, though when we do she seems engaged.
At this point I have no idea where I stand with her. I almost want to be "Hey, are you still interested? If not, it's totally fine!" But I don't think that comes off great.
Yeah this is common and it sucks! Sometimes they weren't interested, sometimes they were interested but they aren't anymore after two weeks of chaos intervenes, sometimes they're still interested and it works out
Or sometimes they’re interested but have some other prospects they’re also interested in, so they string you along a bit until they figure out which option to pursue with more intent
XBL - Foreverender | 3DS FC - 1418 6696 1012 | Steam ID | LoL
Well, 2nd date isn't happening anytime soon. Or maybe it won't happen?
We were suppose to meet up this past week but she mentioned life being super hectic. She had a work trip on Tuesday but offered Monday. Awesome, we would figure something out this weekend.
Well, she had to cancel since life is still hectic and she hasn't even planned for the work in trip.
Totally understandable, told her it was fine, added some banter and asked if she wanted to meet up after her trip.
She responded to the banter but offered nothing about meeting up.
This all wouldn't be so anxiety causing if we were messaging more but we're not. She's slow to respond and and we don't message much, though when we do she seems engaged.
At this point I have no idea where I stand with her. I almost want to be "Hey, are you still interested? If not, it's totally fine!" But I don't think that comes off great.
Yeah this is common and it sucks! Sometimes they weren't interested, sometimes they were interested but they aren't anymore after two weeks of chaos intervenes, sometimes they're still interested and it works out
Or sometimes they’re interested but have some other prospects they’re also interested in, so they string you along a bit until they figure out which option to pursue with more intent
I've twice had someone that things seemed to fizzle out with reach out again after a while back in 2019. Though they were both people I wasn't super enthused about after our dates but by default want to try a second just in case someone was way too anxious/awkward to put their best foot forward on the first so after we couldn't work out plans for that second date, I was happy just letting things fizzle out again.
The last year, I've been the one who's been "life is nothing but chaos with no time" though so I've only been on apps enough to not let accounts to entirely inactive. So I get people being busy with life, sometimes for extended periods.
Boo seems more interesting, like it's trying to create a community of sorts. Still too money hungry for my liking, and their prices seem ridiculous, but it does seem to be trying something different.
Regarding this point, are there any apps out there that aren't going to run at least $40/mo to have any type of shot at getting results?
FB dating is free, but you're limited that dwindling number of people.
Setup a date using FB dating; the person who showed up looked 3'ish years older than her pictures. I'm not a fan of dishonesty right off the bat. A few months different is fine, but those profile pics were clearly from years past. If you can't even be honest in your pics what else aren't you being honest about? It sets a bad first impression and immediately sows the seeds of distrust.
Well, 2nd date isn't happening anytime soon. Or maybe it won't happen?
We were suppose to meet up this past week but she mentioned life being super hectic. She had a work trip on Tuesday but offered Monday. Awesome, we would figure something out this weekend.
Well, she had to cancel since life is still hectic and she hasn't even planned for the work in trip.
Totally understandable, told her it was fine, added some banter and asked if she wanted to meet up after her trip.
She responded to the banter but offered nothing about meeting up.
This all wouldn't be so anxiety causing if we were messaging more but we're not. She's slow to respond and and we don't message much, though when we do she seems engaged.
At this point I have no idea where I stand with her. I almost want to be "Hey, are you still interested? If not, it's totally fine!" But I don't think that comes off great.
Yeah this is common and it sucks! Sometimes they weren't interested, sometimes they were interested but they aren't anymore after two weeks of chaos intervenes, sometimes they're still interested and it works out
Or sometimes they’re interested but have some other prospects they’re also interested in, so they string you along a bit until they figure out which option to pursue with more intent
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And yeah, I'm far too online... I think that's a requirement to have been posting here for more than 20 years, right?
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I miss :bro: as a solidarity reaction for posts. :Witness me: was pretty good too.
I have this exact same problem. I can't trust the apps, but there's nowhere to meet human beings in the real world anymore either.
Steam | XBL
This is like saying you'll never use email because you could occasionally get some spam. Yeah, there are some fake profiles, but they are hardly in the majority for any serious dating site. Just stick the well known sites and apply basic caution and you'll be entirely fine.
There are still real world places, but it tends to be centered around activities and therefore is highly dependent on where you live. And also if you can afford to work said activities into your life both in terms of money and time. I know several couples that met via rock climbing gyms but that won't help anyone not near a rock climbing gym or who isn't interested in it. Ditto dance communities. Or any number of activity spaces I could mention. One couple I'm friends with that are now engaged are from my Muay Thai/BJJ/Krav Maga martial arts gym though admittedly that place is a bit stacked against hetero men numbers wise even at a martial arts gym that multiple women have said has a better vibe than the vast majority out there.
In terms of ostensibly free spaces (given gender ratios and certain dynamics, hetero men benefit greatly for springing for some professional photos and a good wardrobe. Though I'd argue the latter is good for one's mental health and sense of identity regardless) to just try and meet people interested in dating, dating apps are one of the only options these days.
All that said, I've only really encountered bots on Tinder. The other apps I've used (Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, OK Cupid back when it was good not trying to imitate younger apps) have some aspects that make it not as readily potentially profitable for bots. If my current real life prospects don't pan out, I can confidently say that on non-Tinder apps any match will not be a bot but an actual Indian man trying to sell me on a crypto scam.
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3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
I'm very much this with dating:
I'm definitely stuck in my own head, and talk myself out of trying anything before giving it a chance, because "mathematically" in my head nothing should work out.
- For online dating, I hate pictures of myself, I'm not attractive enough to get anyone's interest, and you can send out 1000s of messages and never get a reply from a real person, only scam artists and bots
- I looked into speed dating, but the only nice one near me was only open to professionals with college degrees, which is not me
- The idea of going to a bar by myself and talking to strangers, much less trying to generate a stranger's interest in me, gives me enough anxiety that I think my heart would burst like a balloon
- At the same time, going to an activity where the goal is to do that thing for its own sake, and not meet potential partners, makes me feel like a creep (moreso than how much I usually worry about, anyway). I used to go to the gym, for example, but people there were there to work out, not flirt. When I was younger I would go to a FLGS for nerdery like DnD and MtG, but the clientele was 100% male, so that's right out too.
- Mutual friends and friends of a friend are right out too, by virtue of not existing. None of my acquaintances know any single people, for whatever reason. Either already married with kids, or in the same boat as me.
I cannot visualize anything working.
Somewhat obviously, a big hurdle can be our own headspaces a lot of the time. The adage of needing to love yourself before you can really love another exists for a reason.
Going to bars alone sucks in general unless they have food or drink you really enjoy enough to treat yourself to. I don't think hitting bars to meet someone has really been a thing for straight men for quite a while.
For activities, it is key that you're doing it because you enjoy it for its own sake and enjoy the people in that community. That there's a chance of meeting someone there is a secondary benefit but a significant one and there's no shame in recognizing that. Being in an activity space where people talk to each other and where women are around is also beneficial it to get used to talking with women without feeling the need to try and impress them right away for many guys. To that end, a standard gym is often not a great place for that outside of group classes. Rock Climbing and combat sport Martial Arts gyms involve group and partnered exercises which goes a long way to encouraging social interaction. But you do have to really enjoy it for its own sake. I've encountered a handful of women that felt like they came to a social dance to try and hunt down husband number X and it felt super off-putting and if often socially oblivious me can sense it, so can most women out there.
But hitting a standard gym regularly is still encouraged. Still have to do activities that make you feel better and healthier for yourself. That's part of the loving yourself thing.
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3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
Well I had to quit the gym for unrelated reasons, but yeah, I see your point about doing things for yourself first.
The format of sitting across from someone for the drinks and dinner dates might be a little too intense for a first date. It seems fine when you're both already interested in someone, but the intense eye contact without the easy physical touch might make it too much that early.
I'm curious what everyone else's experience is, since it seems like only a few of us have "it" (Blarghy? and I'm not putting myself in the category of people that have "it", whatever it is).
The main benefit of a coffee/tea/drink date is that it's faster and cheaper in case there's just no chance with someone. But ideally one also looks around for some way to extend the date to the likes of a dinner or walking/looking at neat things near the coffee/etc. date in case it does go well. It is some extra work but also has the benefit of demonstrating an ability to plan/organize things.
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3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
XBL - Foreverender | 3DS FC - 1418 6696 1012 | Steam ID | LoL
On a walk date, you're both going to be moving around, giving opportunities for all sorts of different physical interactions that can keep things moving along, even if all it is accidentally bumping or brushing each other. Conversation doesn't have to hold the entirety of the date in that case.
Heh, yeah. I have noticed the rate of "accidental" bumping while walking to correlate well with interest. It's not 100%, but when it's there it's there and hard to ignore. Which is probably the point!
I feel like I'm trying to reverse-engineer observations that are probably obvious to kids by the time they hit the 9th grade, heh.
I think I mentioned it a while ago in this thread, but my wife and I met online (OKCupid when it was still good, about 8 years ago). Our first date was to the museum of natural history - if the we didn’t click, at least we got to see dinosaurs and the afternoon couldn’t be all bad! We spent about 3 hours wandering around the various exhibits; she almost broke one of the “please touch” ones that she touched a bit harder than she expected, and I almost broke a globe in the same place (in my defense, the globe didn’t turn when I tried to spin it - who makes a globe that doesn’t spin?! They have since encased the globe in plastic
Now we have two kids and love her more every day
Someone actively unmatching me during the 24 hours? Oof.
Yeah, it sucks. Happens every so often though. I try not to get too excited until date #2. Everything prior has a high chance of flaming out in my experience.
Or I just have no texting game.
As in, I Liked her profile back in early/mid 2020, and we matched in mid 2022.
Thanks for reaching out, but I’m actively living with someone now. My profile had been suspended for almost the entire time.
Regarding bumble, I see that they’re considering allowing men to message first, so… it’d just be tinder? Or to allow women to select from pre-generated first messages? Which feels like a tacit admission that “hi” is still a universal opening/copout.
It’s been my biggest frustration with the platform for years, when I’ve used it.
I’ve probably said this before, but it’s extra ironic juxtaposed against a history of being on other dating sites, like OKCupid, where literally hundreds of profiles I’ve seen included variations on “if you just plan to say Hi or use a copy pasted opener, don’t bother”, and then to find that when forced to make the first move… a substantial number of women fall back on “Hi.”
Suddenly crafting a witty and funny opener isn’t so easy!
I’ve been out of the game for years, but a mobile game I play has ads for bumble, and it makes me chuckle when they come up, because the faked messages they have users sending are an order of magnitude more effort than I ever saw on the platform.
At least that one is direct about what they want, and regardless of answer it’s not a terrible conversation starter all things considered.
Yeah, I appreciated the straightforwardness.
She seemed pretty enthusiastic about meeting up so that's a good sign, just slightly in my head about the time between now and the date.
I feel like in online dating is easy for conversations and interest to just fizzle out the longer they go (either because of lack of communication or because too much communication), which is why I try to ask them out early.
One lady actually talked, but she's mentioned her ex roughly every two replies. I sympathized, but maybe get over your ex before you start looking again?
Then there are the random WTF messages.
The entirety of one message was "Want some black dick?" That was the whole message. No foreplay, no build up, not even a Hi, or perhaps a I know your profle says women only but might I tempt you with....
Another was a couple looking for a third to which I stated no thank you. They were at least polite in their offer and reply to my declining them. Another standout reply was when I asked someone what they do for fun and their reply was "I like to fuck". I appreciate the honesty and I'm of a similar opinion on said physical activity, but maybe list some other hobbies with it?
3DS: 1521-4165-5907
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Live: Kayle Solo
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3DS: 1521-4165-5907
PS3: KayleSolo
Live: Kayle Solo
WiiU: KayleSolo
Have a date scheduled with her on Friday!
It's been interesting bc apart from our initial conversation we haven't actually exchanged tons of messages.
Part of would normally think that she's not interested but when we been planning the date she has seemed enthusiastic. Turned out we had a lot of favorite local spots that we both liked so that was nice too.
And I think that since we didn't do the pen pal thing, we should actually have plenty to talk about.
It may feel weird in this day and age, but some people are just not big texters, or maybe that's something that blooms over time. Your gut is correct and you should gauge it by how they show up in person vs text. It's gonna be great and I hope you both have a good time!
I dated a woman whose intention was this, short brief messages to try to get to an early date to see if in person anything worked. Instead we ended up texting all day everyday for the week+ before the first date.
I tend to just go with the flow on stuff like this. Feels less stressful.
Conversation flowed really went the entire time. Theres tons i like about her already.
We went to a brewery that serves pizza and ended up getting free cheese sticks. I think the waiter most have realized we were on a first date and did us a solid.
Walked her back to her car and asked if she would be interested a second date next week and she said yes. Confirmed it when I sent a "hope you got home safe, let's figure out a day for next week on Monday"
So yeah, went as well as I could possibly expect!
Now just got a thing aabout date #2:
I am horrible at flirting. Like I'm great at talking and engaging but I'm really self conscious about trying to be flirty.
She doesn't want to "go out".
From our conversation and her style of communication I get the distinct feeling that I am just here as a glorified sex toy/object fuckboy. Guess I will find out.
You don't need to be a flirt, just be honest. "I really enjoy talking to you", "I had never thought about it that way, that's really insightful" genuine compliments that may feel very obvious are great, even something simple like, "I really like that outfit you choose, the colors really stand out on you". Don't worry, just keep doing what you're doing!
We were suppose to meet up this past week but she mentioned life being super hectic. She had a work trip on Tuesday but offered Monday. Awesome, we would figure something out this weekend.
Well, she had to cancel since life is still hectic and she hasn't even planned for the work in trip.
Totally understandable, told her it was fine, added some banter and asked if she wanted to meet up after her trip.
She responded to the banter but offered nothing about meeting up.
This all wouldn't be so anxiety causing if we were messaging more but we're not. She's slow to respond and and we don't message much, though when we do she seems engaged.
At this point I have no idea where I stand with her. I almost want to be "Hey, are you still interested? If not, it's totally fine!" But I don't think that comes off great.
Regarding this point, are there any apps out there that aren't going to run at least $40/mo to have any type of shot at getting results?
Yeah this is common and it sucks! Sometimes they weren't interested, sometimes they were interested but they aren't anymore after two weeks of chaos intervenes, sometimes they're still interested and it works out
Or sometimes they’re interested but have some other prospects they’re also interested in, so they string you along a bit until they figure out which option to pursue with more intent
XBL - Foreverender | 3DS FC - 1418 6696 1012 | Steam ID | LoL
I've twice had someone that things seemed to fizzle out with reach out again after a while back in 2019. Though they were both people I wasn't super enthused about after our dates but by default want to try a second just in case someone was way too anxious/awkward to put their best foot forward on the first so after we couldn't work out plans for that second date, I was happy just letting things fizzle out again.
The last year, I've been the one who's been "life is nothing but chaos with no time" though so I've only been on apps enough to not let accounts to entirely inactive. So I get people being busy with life, sometimes for extended periods.
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3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
FB dating is free, but you're limited that dwindling number of people.
Setup a date using FB dating; the person who showed up looked 3'ish years older than her pictures. I'm not a fan of dishonesty right off the bat. A few months different is fine, but those profile pics were clearly from years past. If you can't even be honest in your pics what else aren't you being honest about? It sets a bad first impression and immediately sows the seeds of distrust.
3DS: 1521-4165-5907
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Live: Kayle Solo
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Or maybe don't run down that self abuse tunnel.