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relationship problems: not mine, but I'm involved and I need advice
Calica
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This is long and tedious. You have been warned.
I'm in a complicated and frustrating position with regard to some friends. I'm guessing it's not actually that uncommon, though, so maybe someone here has been through something similar.
All names have been changed, obviously. Also, I'm a straight female, which is relevant to this whole mess (I think).
Some background: I met my friend Cody in college. At that time he'd been married to his wife, Anna, for a year or two, I'm not sure exactly. (Anna was my age and had married just out of high school; Cody is a year and a half older than her and me.) I joined Cody's circle of friends - or he joined mine; it amounts to the same thing - via Bible study and DnD. Anna didn't play, so she and I were friendly acquaintances, but not really close. Later, I started dating Cody's close friend John, who would visit from another city to play with us sometimes. Eventually, we all graduated. Cody and Anna moved back up to be near Anna's family, even though Cody really didn't want to go, as it meant essentially giving up any hope of decent job prospects. John had found a job in another city, and since he and I were still going strong, I found a job and an apartment there to be close to him.
Fast forward a few years: Cody and Anna have three sons, ages 5, 3, and 1; and the oldest, while advanced for his age by most metrics, has a sensory processing disorder that makes him a little more difficult to parent than the average 5 year old boy. John broke up with me around 8 months ago, and I still feel like I'm walking around with a hole in my chest. He also had essentially disengaged with Cody by that point, and has pretty much dropped off the face of the earth as far as Cody and I are concerned. Around the same time, Cody's marriage started to suffer, and Cody began increasingly confiding in me and coming to me for advice and emotional support.
I know what you're probably thinking; but I have no interest in Cody either romantically or sexually, and for his part, he refers to me as his little sister. The reason I mention John and the end of my relationship is that I lost one of my main pillars of emotional support - and so did Cody - and on top of that I now find myself providing most of Cody's emotional support. It's like I simultaneously had the rug pulled out from under me and was handed a bushel of rocks to carry.
And the nature of that support... well. Cody's wife, Anna, has been carrying on what I can only call an emotional affair with her cousin, Brock. To hear Cody tell it, she goes out of her way to spend time with Brock, and when she's not with him physically, she's either calling or texting him. Anna blames Cody for not being attentive, affectionate, etc.; I can't speak to that because I'm not a direct witness. What I do know is that Anna refuses to tell Cody what she wants, but expects him to "just know" because they've been married for over 10 years. Also, when Cody tries to make time for Anna, she increasingly ignores him to spend time with Brock instead, then blames him for ignoring her. At least some of this has been confirmed by Anna's sister, Beth, who is just as frustrated with Anna's behavior as Cody is.
At one point, Brock sent Cody a long email accusing Cody of seeing Anna only as a sexual object and basically telling him to stop being a pervert and realize how lucky he is, or else he will lose Anna. Anna reviewed and approved the email before it was sent. Beth confirms that this is nonsense. Cody was incredibly hurt and angry, understandably.
Oh, and Brock is married. Apparently his wife is pretty much accustomed/resigned to this kind of behavior from him.
Anna and Cody have been under a ton of stress - time, financial, you name it - pretty much constantly since their first child was born. Both of them have been doing their very best for each other and their family up until recently, as far as I can tell; but Anna had/has issues with postpartum depression, and Cody has depression/anger/anxiety issues of his own mostly stemming from growing up in an awful family. This all came to a head a few months ago when Cody texted me and said that he was wavering between calling the suicide hotline and trying to hurt himself. Apparently he had hurt one of his kids in a moment of anger (nothing medically serious, thank heaven) and was despairing because he desperately does not want to be that guy. Abusive he is not, but he's been bottling up so much guilt and anger and frustration for so long that something was bound to crack.
I didn't see the text until hours later, much to my worry; but fortunately he decided on the hotline and has since gotten into therapy. (For a little while, while he was still in crisis, he also made sure not to be alone with his children - he has in-laws in the area who were understanding and willing to be present with him when Anna wasn't there.) Which is good! But he continues to rely on me as a source of emotional support and a moral compass/sounding board, sometimes sharing very intimate details of his and Anna's relationship with me before telling his therapist. I am not comfortable with that and have told him so. He also comes down from time to time to spend the weekend with me - which, despite how it might look/sound, is as innocent as it can be under the circumstances. Anna understands the close friendship between Cody and me, and isn't bothered by it; but I don't know if she knows how much he tells me. Cody's therapist also knows about me, hopefully the whole truth.
(There was a point, in college, where Anna was worried about how much time I was spending alone with Cody (because of the nature of student schedules, not because we went out of our way to do so). The short version is that he and I had both gone through some serious shit, and we were both starved for affection. There was nothing happening between us that even approached cheating, and as soon as I found out about Anna's reservations, we immediately stopped hanging out alone together until we had our respective heads screwed on straight. It's all water long under the bridge, and I have confirmed this privately with Anna more than once.)
Lately, Cody feels like Anna is pushing him off on me so she'll have more time to herself/with Brock. For example, we have an upcoming weekend planned when he's going to come down and sleep on my couch, and we'll do a 5k and play a bunch of videogames. He was trying to figure out his schedule for the weekend, and Anna encouraged him to come down a day earlier, which, in light of everything, is kind of worrisome/depressing.
So... the effects of all of this on me are:
Basically I'm afraid this is going to end in a train wreck, and my options are to either bail and let Cody flounder, or be on the train when it crashes.
Edit: For my part, I have always encouraged Cody to keep lines of communication open, to get therapy and stay with it, to find healthy outlets for his emotions, etc. If I think he's in the wrong, or behaving in ways that are unhealthy (for himself or his marriage), I tell him so, which is one of the reasons he trusts me.
He did cheat on Anna once, years back, and one of the first things he did afterward was ask me for advice. I referred him to my dad, who told him to come clean. He did so, after asking me if he could sleep on my/my roommates' couch if things went south. Anna forgave him and he slept at home that night, but he has never forgiven himself.
I'm in a complicated and frustrating position with regard to some friends. I'm guessing it's not actually that uncommon, though, so maybe someone here has been through something similar.
All names have been changed, obviously. Also, I'm a straight female, which is relevant to this whole mess (I think).
Some background: I met my friend Cody in college. At that time he'd been married to his wife, Anna, for a year or two, I'm not sure exactly. (Anna was my age and had married just out of high school; Cody is a year and a half older than her and me.) I joined Cody's circle of friends - or he joined mine; it amounts to the same thing - via Bible study and DnD. Anna didn't play, so she and I were friendly acquaintances, but not really close. Later, I started dating Cody's close friend John, who would visit from another city to play with us sometimes. Eventually, we all graduated. Cody and Anna moved back up to be near Anna's family, even though Cody really didn't want to go, as it meant essentially giving up any hope of decent job prospects. John had found a job in another city, and since he and I were still going strong, I found a job and an apartment there to be close to him.
Fast forward a few years: Cody and Anna have three sons, ages 5, 3, and 1; and the oldest, while advanced for his age by most metrics, has a sensory processing disorder that makes him a little more difficult to parent than the average 5 year old boy. John broke up with me around 8 months ago, and I still feel like I'm walking around with a hole in my chest. He also had essentially disengaged with Cody by that point, and has pretty much dropped off the face of the earth as far as Cody and I are concerned. Around the same time, Cody's marriage started to suffer, and Cody began increasingly confiding in me and coming to me for advice and emotional support.
I know what you're probably thinking; but I have no interest in Cody either romantically or sexually, and for his part, he refers to me as his little sister. The reason I mention John and the end of my relationship is that I lost one of my main pillars of emotional support - and so did Cody - and on top of that I now find myself providing most of Cody's emotional support. It's like I simultaneously had the rug pulled out from under me and was handed a bushel of rocks to carry.
And the nature of that support... well. Cody's wife, Anna, has been carrying on what I can only call an emotional affair with her cousin, Brock. To hear Cody tell it, she goes out of her way to spend time with Brock, and when she's not with him physically, she's either calling or texting him. Anna blames Cody for not being attentive, affectionate, etc.; I can't speak to that because I'm not a direct witness. What I do know is that Anna refuses to tell Cody what she wants, but expects him to "just know" because they've been married for over 10 years. Also, when Cody tries to make time for Anna, she increasingly ignores him to spend time with Brock instead, then blames him for ignoring her. At least some of this has been confirmed by Anna's sister, Beth, who is just as frustrated with Anna's behavior as Cody is.
At one point, Brock sent Cody a long email accusing Cody of seeing Anna only as a sexual object and basically telling him to stop being a pervert and realize how lucky he is, or else he will lose Anna. Anna reviewed and approved the email before it was sent. Beth confirms that this is nonsense. Cody was incredibly hurt and angry, understandably.
Oh, and Brock is married. Apparently his wife is pretty much accustomed/resigned to this kind of behavior from him.
Anna and Cody have been under a ton of stress - time, financial, you name it - pretty much constantly since their first child was born. Both of them have been doing their very best for each other and their family up until recently, as far as I can tell; but Anna had/has issues with postpartum depression, and Cody has depression/anger/anxiety issues of his own mostly stemming from growing up in an awful family. This all came to a head a few months ago when Cody texted me and said that he was wavering between calling the suicide hotline and trying to hurt himself. Apparently he had hurt one of his kids in a moment of anger (nothing medically serious, thank heaven) and was despairing because he desperately does not want to be that guy. Abusive he is not, but he's been bottling up so much guilt and anger and frustration for so long that something was bound to crack.
I didn't see the text until hours later, much to my worry; but fortunately he decided on the hotline and has since gotten into therapy. (For a little while, while he was still in crisis, he also made sure not to be alone with his children - he has in-laws in the area who were understanding and willing to be present with him when Anna wasn't there.) Which is good! But he continues to rely on me as a source of emotional support and a moral compass/sounding board, sometimes sharing very intimate details of his and Anna's relationship with me before telling his therapist. I am not comfortable with that and have told him so. He also comes down from time to time to spend the weekend with me - which, despite how it might look/sound, is as innocent as it can be under the circumstances. Anna understands the close friendship between Cody and me, and isn't bothered by it; but I don't know if she knows how much he tells me. Cody's therapist also knows about me, hopefully the whole truth.
(There was a point, in college, where Anna was worried about how much time I was spending alone with Cody (because of the nature of student schedules, not because we went out of our way to do so). The short version is that he and I had both gone through some serious shit, and we were both starved for affection. There was nothing happening between us that even approached cheating, and as soon as I found out about Anna's reservations, we immediately stopped hanging out alone together until we had our respective heads screwed on straight. It's all water long under the bridge, and I have confirmed this privately with Anna more than once.)
Lately, Cody feels like Anna is pushing him off on me so she'll have more time to herself/with Brock. For example, we have an upcoming weekend planned when he's going to come down and sleep on my couch, and we'll do a 5k and play a bunch of videogames. He was trying to figure out his schedule for the weekend, and Anna encouraged him to come down a day earlier, which, in light of everything, is kind of worrisome/depressing.
So... the effects of all of this on me are:
- I don't want to inadvertently make Cody's and Anna's relationship problems worse.
- I don't want to hang Cody out to dry, since I am one of his main sources of support and stability.
- I'm not getting nearly as much energy out of our friendship as I put into it, and that's not sustainable long-term.
- I still fucking miss John on top of everything else.
Basically I'm afraid this is going to end in a train wreck, and my options are to either bail and let Cody flounder, or be on the train when it crashes.
Edit: For my part, I have always encouraged Cody to keep lines of communication open, to get therapy and stay with it, to find healthy outlets for his emotions, etc. If I think he's in the wrong, or behaving in ways that are unhealthy (for himself or his marriage), I tell him so, which is one of the reasons he trusts me.
He did cheat on Anna once, years back, and one of the first things he did afterward was ask me for advice. I referred him to my dad, who told him to come clean. He did so, after asking me if he could sleep on my/my roommates' couch if things went south. Anna forgave him and he slept at home that night, but he has never forgiven himself.
Calica on
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Yeah this was pretty much my first thought. He's talking to you and she's talking to Brock and that means that neither of them are talking to who they should be: each other.
You need to take the time you need to get over your relationship, and I think in a way this is sort of keeping you in it.
What I'm saying is.. it sounds like you really need to take a break from this - to do what you can to hang up and get some distance. This is probably what's best for him too. The fact that he's telling you so very, very much means that he's probably not leaning on (or into) therapy as hard as he should be, and in the long term that's really bad for him.
And believe me, you're not going to make it worse with your presence or absense. If they can't work out how to handle each other's friendships between them, you can't get much worse than that. You cannot break someone else's relationship; you can only expose the cracks (or canyons) already present.
Believe me, I'm aware :P The main difference is that he's not spending time with me (physically or online) instead of with his wife... and no, I'm not sure that makes it better. (Also, Anna and I are on good terms - I'm invited to their place every so often to hang out and catch up, and she treats me like part of the family.) I've brought this up more than once.
You're right. I just don't know how to go about it without feeling like an absolute scumbag. I'm the only friend he has left that he feels comfortable being himself with. Obviously, Anna should be filling that role, but she isn't.
This is just my opinion as someone who has been in this situation (the husband talking to a female friend about his marriage), I would recommend stepping away for a bit and encouraging Cody to get counseling (with or without Anna).
Well no. He is spending time with you online instead of with his wife.
You're enabling his avoidance of confrontation with her by giving him an outlet for emotional validation.
True. I hadn't thought of it that way.