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(done) sexsomnia problems.
Boetze
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Background: I am male, late 20s in a relationship with an awesome woman. We live together since last December and things have been going up and down a lot. That has to do with my sleepwalking issues that result in sexsomnia. I have assaulted my girlfriend in her and my sleep multiple times. Every time she has brought it up, I have tried more elaborate measures to prevent a repeat, but every timeit wasnt enough. My latest fix is Clonazepam and on top of decent sleeping habits I was getting confident I got myself under control.
It's a god damned miracle she hasn't broke up with me, but last weekend she brought up buying a house together and she said she wanted children with me. But every time I fuck up in my sleep, we'll have a discussion, I come up with a new solution and we'll kinda keep going on. After I took those meds daily I felt better about myself, but then last night happened:
We had a day full of unfun activities that involved me carrying around heavy stuff for most of the day, lots of cycling, running to catch trains and by the time we got home I was so tired I just wanted to go to bed. My gf was busy with sorting everything out that she bought, walking around naked and asking what I thought of her new sports clothing. I was aroused by this, but was so tired I didn't want to go through the trouble of having sex (normally leaves me very tired and can take quite a while). I had taken my meds and was trying to sleep, my gf also went to bed and crawled up against me. After a while I started groping her and she had to tell me to knock it off. Which I did. The scary thing for me is that I remember being awake, but the behaviour I showed was the same as when I would have been sleepwalking.
The next morning I apologized for my asshattery and that shocked my gf, because she assumed I was already asleep and it was just that the meds didn't work. Now she has come to the conclusion that I am simply a scary sexually frustrated "nice guy" who is going to continue assaulting women and will only act sorry after the fact.
She broke up with me later over text, but while we were texting she decided to give me a second chance *if* I come up with a very good plan that will give her confidence to allow me in her life.
So far I have done the following:
1. went home from work to work on this shit
2. made an appointment with my GP for 15.00
3. called a psychology hotline, where I talked with a nice old lady who couldn't help me, but at least listened to my sobbing.
And now I'm at a loss, I'm not sure what else I should be doing, I've been writing down deviant sexual thoughts/stuff I have masturbated to, trying to pinpoint where the fuck I picked up this bad behaviour. Not sure if that's going to help me. I am also afraid I will never be able to find a solution.
I don't have anyone I can share this with, I feel ashamed, guilty and dirty. This is an alt account.
It's a god damned miracle she hasn't broke up with me, but last weekend she brought up buying a house together and she said she wanted children with me. But every time I fuck up in my sleep, we'll have a discussion, I come up with a new solution and we'll kinda keep going on. After I took those meds daily I felt better about myself, but then last night happened:
We had a day full of unfun activities that involved me carrying around heavy stuff for most of the day, lots of cycling, running to catch trains and by the time we got home I was so tired I just wanted to go to bed. My gf was busy with sorting everything out that she bought, walking around naked and asking what I thought of her new sports clothing. I was aroused by this, but was so tired I didn't want to go through the trouble of having sex (normally leaves me very tired and can take quite a while). I had taken my meds and was trying to sleep, my gf also went to bed and crawled up against me. After a while I started groping her and she had to tell me to knock it off. Which I did. The scary thing for me is that I remember being awake, but the behaviour I showed was the same as when I would have been sleepwalking.
The next morning I apologized for my asshattery and that shocked my gf, because she assumed I was already asleep and it was just that the meds didn't work. Now she has come to the conclusion that I am simply a scary sexually frustrated "nice guy" who is going to continue assaulting women and will only act sorry after the fact.
She broke up with me later over text, but while we were texting she decided to give me a second chance *if* I come up with a very good plan that will give her confidence to allow me in her life.
So far I have done the following:
1. went home from work to work on this shit
2. made an appointment with my GP for 15.00
3. called a psychology hotline, where I talked with a nice old lady who couldn't help me, but at least listened to my sobbing.
And now I'm at a loss, I'm not sure what else I should be doing, I've been writing down deviant sexual thoughts/stuff I have masturbated to, trying to pinpoint where the fuck I picked up this bad behaviour. Not sure if that's going to help me. I am also afraid I will never be able to find a solution.
I don't have anyone I can share this with, I feel ashamed, guilty and dirty. This is an alt account.
Boetze on
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You were in bed with your gf.
You started fondling her.
She said she wasn't in the mood and told you to cut it out.
So you cut it out.
The next morning she says she's breaking up with you over it because she thought you were asleep at the time.
Buh?
How I normally start when I'm sleepwalking: we are both deep asleep, I start things in a ruder way (go for genitals/chest area straight away) and it's dark.
The latter has freaked her out a lot.
This time she assumed I was sleepwalking, but I could still remember everything in the morning, so I was awake and initiated sex in the way that has led to sexual assault by sexsomniac ole me before.
Does that make her response easier to understand?
Because this seriously sounds like something you should talk to a therapist about.
I understand what you're saying, but I'm the one wakening my gf in the middle of the night with my hand down her underwear grinding against her. I'm not sure how else to classify this without downplaying what my gf is going through.
I have talked with a therapist before about issues related to this and have had myself diagnosed with a sleepwalking disorder. I hope my GP can help out with this and I have called a number of couples therapists and they all seem to have enough time free in their agenda for my gf and I to visit one, should my gf accept my proposition on how to fix this whole mess.
@yurnamehere thanks for what you wrote before you edited, it is not a silly thing to write and the advice has been given to couples where one keeps the other awake. It's not much of a solution, though, considering we're both young.
I'm not trying to downplay how upsetting it probably is for her, but this guilt spiral you seem to be in is not healthy or productive.
I'll just say both of you could benefit from some professional help in regards to relationships and sex.
I trust and understand that you are not trying to hurt her, but the fact is, you are, to the point where she associates you initiating physical contact with this assault. And it is assault, whether or not you're aware at the time. It seems like you get that, and I appreciate that.
However, understanding that as you do, you've been given another chance and you need to take every stride you can to make it stop, immediately, while you get this sorted out. Even if that means her locking you in a separate room and keeping the key. This is obviously not a long-term solution, but a stopgap while you both work to make things better, because for now the important thing is that she feels safe.
At this point, you both need therapy, and there is a very limited amount that anyone here can do to advise you further than "seek every means of professional help available. You need to make every effort you can to get a sleep study done, and if you tell a professional that you get violent in your sleep and can't stop it hopefully that will be enough to convince them to agree. They may be able to help you, or at least refer you to a specialist who can.
I appreciate that you empathize, I really do. But part of that is doing absolutely everything you can to make it stop immediately, by whatever means possible, until a real solution can be found.
As for taking clonazepam daily for an indefinite period of time, that's a really, tremendously bad idea. The stuff is intended as a short-term treatment, not something to take every day. You risk addiction and horrible withdrawal symptoms if you don't manage the medication properly (preferably under the supervision of a doctor who understands benzo addiction).
What I'm trying to say is you need to find a way of dealing with this issue that won't make you chemically dependent the way benzos do. Therapy is a good place to start.
My GP prescribed 0.5mg tabs of clonazepam and 2mg pills of Melatonin. I'm iffy to try the latter, I will experiment with it in the weekend. I am staying away from alcohol (love me some craft beers, but lately they've lost their charm) and I'm not taking any Ambien or similar meds, as I have no trouble at all falling asleep.
I've been on melatonin (gots me a high-functioning autism diagnosis), but for me they didn't really do much.
But you should feel way more nervous about a daily clonazepam than you should about melatonin.
Definitely do therapy, especially because you've already (unconsciously) assaulted your girlfriend. That's something you both need to process and deal with.
In the meantime, have you considered just getting separate beds? My mom eventually moved to an adjoining room, whereupon my dad's nighttime problem became a non-issue. He only gets like that if there's somebody next to him in bed. (Unfortunately that also meant his sleep-study didn't show anything about weird unconscious sex stuff.)
If your sleepwalking renders this ineffective, taking Ceres' advice and giving your girlfriend a dead-bolt to put on her door might be a temporary fix. I get why you'd be reluctant to do that or get separate beds, but it would demonstrate how serious you are about fixing this.
Also, this is something you really, really need to keep in mind if/when you have children. You should not allow your kids to crawl into bed with you, even if they have a nightmare, even if they're sick. You don't have control over yourself at night. You might hurt them.
Most certainly do NOT do this. This is how people die in fires amongst other serious problems that arise in homes. Flooding, burglary, or hurting yourself in anyway and being unable to get help is a fucking terrible idea. I get where the idea is born out of, and locking herself or having him lock himself in a room isn't a terrible idea. Trapping someone in a confined space is extremely risky though and when it goes bad death usually follows.
Well she is being raped, but you are not exactly a rapist. It sounds like you have done everything you have thought of to prevent the problem and are willing to do more. This is the key to it all. Viewing yourself through the lens of a predator will not do you any favors but can cause a lot of unneeded extra stress. Therapy is a good idea for both of you.
What I would suggest right now is sleeping in different beds. At the least it will stop you from being aggressively sexual without movement. Some specifics beyond that depend on the literal sleep walking aspects. I know some that will stop at the first barrier so a baby gate stops them from going down stairs for example. That is not universally true (though I think is common? Not certain.)