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Overworking as an excuse to not deal with other issues
hardestry
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
hi H/A, pardon the alt, but this is gonna be pretty specific about some deep shit that i am in many ways still running away from.
Basically i seem to reached a junction in my life where my expectations are all screwy.
the facts: blessed with good career prospects, no debt, loving (in their own way) parents and siblings, and a skill set that lets me be useful in a lot of different ways
but there's a lot of conflicting stuff going on in my head that makes feeling happy - or hell, even relaxed - virtually impossible. and most of the conflicting stuff doesn't make any kind of logical sense.
growing up, i had a lot of my agency curtailed because of some fairly messed up viewpoints my parents had ( 'we kept you tightly controlled in order to keep you out of prison!' 'you never had unscheduled contact with other kids because they would have been a bad influence!' 'this fringe religious community might be full of dysfunctional people, but it's going to become your whole world because we like this particular tweak of doctrine!' 'you can visit friends when you can afford a car' etc.)
i'm still wrapping my mind around just how fucked up that made me, but a brief list would include:
1) the inability to value leisure as a reason to do something. never took vacations as a kid because they weren't educational. never got the chance to understand that enjoying the company of others is even a thing.
2) the expectation that academic and career success were the keys to any kind of normal, functional existence. it was drilled into me over and over that if i wasn't happy, it was because i wasn't working hard enough. this is probably where i struggle the most - i automatically internalize any setback as feedback that i'm not doing enough. it's led to a LOT of success over the years, but goddamn if i'm not miserable.
3) the idea that most of my motivations are not to be trusted. anything that led me off the course of academic supremacy was an opportunity to remind me that without an education, i was going to be less than nothing. achievement was the only way to 'avoid being chewed up by a society that does not value you.' this was especially hellish during my teen years, when i could FEEL something was wrong with how i was living, that my isolation was intrinsically wrong. but, i generally sucked it up due to 2) (see above).
4) suuuuuuper wobbly ideas about relationships/sex/unstructured socializing. i've learned to excel in any context where there's an established 'pre-approved as beneficial' goal. at work, i'm known as the friendliest AND hardest-working guy around. I'm in half a dozen leadership positions with volunteer and service organizations, and can walk into a room and give a speech to a group of strangers without thinking much about it. i suffer zero anxiety when it comes to 'talk to people so that something positive for everyone might happen'. however, as soon as that goal wanders away from 'something positive for everyone' to 'because you're fucking lonely and nobody knows about it because your SuccessShield™ keeps them out' then i fall into a pit of anxiety and despair. this is mostly a result of 1) and 3). i basically don't value my own happiness and because i feel my own needs aren't worth filling, i have no confidence in any interaction where the only driving force is me trying to feel better.
SO
IN AN ATTEMPT TO REMAIN FUNCTIONAL,
i tie myself to commitments that require motivations larger than my own satisfaction. this means if i feel like dying in bed as soon as i get up, i still get up because i promised to lead a robotics workshop for elementary school kids and THEIR happiness is fortunately way more important than mine.
i have thrown myself into my work, which is something i feel is a worthy cause (i work in sustainable tech) and isn't effort down the drain or just a way to make money (Because You're Not Worth It™)
lately though, it's been getting really extreme. i'm performing better than ever, and feeling worse than ever, and consecutive 14 hour days aren't something i can keep up. but if i don't stay busy, if i don't stay committed, there's really not much that would keep me functional most days.
bleh.
Basically i seem to reached a junction in my life where my expectations are all screwy.
the facts: blessed with good career prospects, no debt, loving (in their own way) parents and siblings, and a skill set that lets me be useful in a lot of different ways
but there's a lot of conflicting stuff going on in my head that makes feeling happy - or hell, even relaxed - virtually impossible. and most of the conflicting stuff doesn't make any kind of logical sense.
growing up, i had a lot of my agency curtailed because of some fairly messed up viewpoints my parents had ( 'we kept you tightly controlled in order to keep you out of prison!' 'you never had unscheduled contact with other kids because they would have been a bad influence!' 'this fringe religious community might be full of dysfunctional people, but it's going to become your whole world because we like this particular tweak of doctrine!' 'you can visit friends when you can afford a car' etc.)
i'm still wrapping my mind around just how fucked up that made me, but a brief list would include:
1) the inability to value leisure as a reason to do something. never took vacations as a kid because they weren't educational. never got the chance to understand that enjoying the company of others is even a thing.
2) the expectation that academic and career success were the keys to any kind of normal, functional existence. it was drilled into me over and over that if i wasn't happy, it was because i wasn't working hard enough. this is probably where i struggle the most - i automatically internalize any setback as feedback that i'm not doing enough. it's led to a LOT of success over the years, but goddamn if i'm not miserable.
3) the idea that most of my motivations are not to be trusted. anything that led me off the course of academic supremacy was an opportunity to remind me that without an education, i was going to be less than nothing. achievement was the only way to 'avoid being chewed up by a society that does not value you.' this was especially hellish during my teen years, when i could FEEL something was wrong with how i was living, that my isolation was intrinsically wrong. but, i generally sucked it up due to 2) (see above).
4) suuuuuuper wobbly ideas about relationships/sex/unstructured socializing. i've learned to excel in any context where there's an established 'pre-approved as beneficial' goal. at work, i'm known as the friendliest AND hardest-working guy around. I'm in half a dozen leadership positions with volunteer and service organizations, and can walk into a room and give a speech to a group of strangers without thinking much about it. i suffer zero anxiety when it comes to 'talk to people so that something positive for everyone might happen'. however, as soon as that goal wanders away from 'something positive for everyone' to 'because you're fucking lonely and nobody knows about it because your SuccessShield™ keeps them out' then i fall into a pit of anxiety and despair. this is mostly a result of 1) and 3). i basically don't value my own happiness and because i feel my own needs aren't worth filling, i have no confidence in any interaction where the only driving force is me trying to feel better.
SO
IN AN ATTEMPT TO REMAIN FUNCTIONAL,
i tie myself to commitments that require motivations larger than my own satisfaction. this means if i feel like dying in bed as soon as i get up, i still get up because i promised to lead a robotics workshop for elementary school kids and THEIR happiness is fortunately way more important than mine.
i have thrown myself into my work, which is something i feel is a worthy cause (i work in sustainable tech) and isn't effort down the drain or just a way to make money (Because You're Not Worth It™)
lately though, it's been getting really extreme. i'm performing better than ever, and feeling worse than ever, and consecutive 14 hour days aren't something i can keep up. but if i don't stay busy, if i don't stay committed, there's really not much that would keep me functional most days.
bleh.
0
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people invite me out for drinks/parties, but due to 1) and 3) i'm terrified of not being in complete control of myself. years of horror stories about how someone thought 'just this once' and then DIED.
i'm terrified of ever being a parent because i never, ever, EVER want that level of control over someone. it should never have happened to me, and i'm not going to inflict it on another generation. PARADOXICALLY i'm still intensely lonely.
bleh.
Because you're very aware that you'd like to alter your behaviors, but that sort of advice really is a bit beyond what rando internet strangers are able to provide
Speaking as someone who has worked their fair share of 16-20+ hour days this year due to that same internalized motivation you're talking about in your OP it's a good idea to try and find a balance (through counselling if necessary).
In any case I hope you're not vain and/or paranoid, I think that might make it harder to crack this problem.
Steam: CavilatRest
Yes, this. I was in a very similar place in my twenties and therapy gave me the tools I needed to get my life to a really great place.
You don't have to drink or do other drugs when going out. I go out for drinks with friends and then just don't drink, and it's no big deal. And you can leave any party or social gathering at any moment you want. You can socialize entirely on your own terms, don't do things you're not comfortable with.
Not wishing to be a parent doesn't preclude relationships, or feelings of loneliness for that matter. It's perfectly okay to feel lonely and want to change that, regardless of other things.
Growing up I had numerous issues with my family/environment that left me with lingering problems that I still have to this day.
They aren't as bad, I know they are there, and I can push them aside if needed... but it hasn't always been that way. I had to do a lot of introspection and I wouldn't ever say that I probably couldn't do with some therapy some day.
Someone needs to help you find the moderate middle, and young folks are instead prone to reverse course when solving their own emotional problems unaided.