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Frustrated & trying to help heal a broken heart
Belasco32
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Here's the deal:
I have a 19yr old daughter who is a member of these forums and many people here know her predicament, she's posted openly about it so I know I'm breaching any parent/child confidentiality in mentioning it. She was in a long distance (US to Australia) relationship for over a year, and was very very attached. He, it turned out, was less attached...I'll skip the messy details - the end result was him saying he couldn't do the long distance thing anymore and her being devastated.
As the worst of the sobbing subsided we gently gave her the standard advice. Spool32 (her father & my other half) helped her box up everything that reminded her of him and stashed it safely away for when/if she's ready to see it again. And things were looking up, she was laughing again and started interacting with people her father and I assumed would give her similar, if not the same, advice we'd given her.
We were wrong.
In the last week well meaning friends and acquaintances have taken the opportunity of our daughter talking to them about her first broken heart to tell her how horrible being single is, to go delve into their own broken-heart story and how they aren't over it (even years later in some cases), and generally suck every last bit of hope that she'll ever feel better out of her life.
Her father and I are at a loss, she's our first child and therefore the first one we've been in this position with. The noise to parent-advice ratio has gotten so bad she's started ignoring us...afterall, other people are saying that cutting off contact with the ex is a bad idea, she should be trying to create a friendship - that finding things to occupy her mind rather than dwell on being miserable is pointless - that she'll never really be over him...and I could go on. The worst part is everyone giving this well meaning "advice" is closer to her age, and many have suggested that her father and I can't possibly know what she's going through or be able to give her good advice because we met and married when we were only a year older than she is.
I'm desperate, how do we help her? Should I step in and speak to the people using her heartbreak as a way to dwell within their own, should I speak to the people telling her trying to feel better is pointless, or is that over-parenting at this point in her life?
I see my child drowning, she isn't smiling anymore, she's having trouble sleeping, it's massively impacting her day to day life.
Help?
p.s. seeing a counselor is right out, we're without insurance and she goes back to college on the 1st of September.
I have a 19yr old daughter who is a member of these forums and many people here know her predicament, she's posted openly about it so I know I'm breaching any parent/child confidentiality in mentioning it. She was in a long distance (US to Australia) relationship for over a year, and was very very attached. He, it turned out, was less attached...I'll skip the messy details - the end result was him saying he couldn't do the long distance thing anymore and her being devastated.
As the worst of the sobbing subsided we gently gave her the standard advice. Spool32 (her father & my other half) helped her box up everything that reminded her of him and stashed it safely away for when/if she's ready to see it again. And things were looking up, she was laughing again and started interacting with people her father and I assumed would give her similar, if not the same, advice we'd given her.
We were wrong.
In the last week well meaning friends and acquaintances have taken the opportunity of our daughter talking to them about her first broken heart to tell her how horrible being single is, to go delve into their own broken-heart story and how they aren't over it (even years later in some cases), and generally suck every last bit of hope that she'll ever feel better out of her life.
Her father and I are at a loss, she's our first child and therefore the first one we've been in this position with. The noise to parent-advice ratio has gotten so bad she's started ignoring us...afterall, other people are saying that cutting off contact with the ex is a bad idea, she should be trying to create a friendship - that finding things to occupy her mind rather than dwell on being miserable is pointless - that she'll never really be over him...and I could go on. The worst part is everyone giving this well meaning "advice" is closer to her age, and many have suggested that her father and I can't possibly know what she's going through or be able to give her good advice because we met and married when we were only a year older than she is.
I'm desperate, how do we help her? Should I step in and speak to the people using her heartbreak as a way to dwell within their own, should I speak to the people telling her trying to feel better is pointless, or is that over-parenting at this point in her life?
I see my child drowning, she isn't smiling anymore, she's having trouble sleeping, it's massively impacting her day to day life.
Help?
p.s. seeing a counselor is right out, we're without insurance and she goes back to college on the 1st of September.
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As for the rest, ugh, life can be like this sometimes and really, if there is a lesson to be learned it is just that: there are lessons to be learned in life, and a lot of the time they are rough and heartbreaking and we need to just look forward to making new connections and new experiences rather than dwelling on the past.
Other than that, you have to let her grieve and heal in her own way - y'all are still her parents, but she's her own person now, and will make her own mistakes. Just be there with plenty of hugs, and an ear for her to talk to when she needs it. My parents adopting that strategy is pretty much how I made it through half of my 20's.
If they are yours absolutely tell them to cut it out. If they are hers, then stepping in would be weird. I went through a break up at about the same age under similar circumstances (long distance), My parents didn't know about it, thankfully, so I worked it out on my own. I had a depressed summer but I went back to school and it was fine later.
Assuming that this happened a week ago, and that the relationship was serious, you should give your daughter some time and space to grieve and get over it. You can totally dispense positive advice and maybe find a relationship podcast with a good positive episode on breaking up and pass it along, and then take a step back. If you and your husband have been together for a long time, maybe you don't have quite the current perspective on breakups your daughter is looking for, that's okay.
I would check her university for therapy, though. Most campuses have some sort of free services that are available for students.
Edit: looks like I was too late with the therapy advice. that sucks.
I know she has to grieve, it's a loss, a real loss in her life. That loss deserves respect and the grief deserves space. It's just so hard to see her backslide and to have people she listens to tell her there isn't hope.
Half of parenting a teenager is sitting on my hands, I know that. And as they get older all I can do is love on them and try to gently give guidance without my ego ever being involved, they're going to make their own way - and that's how it should be...but man, this feels like one of those annoying grey areas where I just wanna smack some folk upside their ignorant heads...ya know?
You probably can't give her any advice she'll be able to hear right now. She'll have to go through her own pain, and learn from her own experiences. She'll probably do just what those friends say and hang on to hope way too long, painfully trying to be friends with someone she wishes she could be dating, because until she's actually gone through that herself it's really hard to take people's advice not to do it.
The good news is, she will learn. All this pain she's feeling right now will become a muscular knot of experience in time, so that an older and wiser her will emerge who knows exactly why you don't waste your precious time on men who are not worth it. I think it may be that the only way to truly understand that is in the precious time you do waste on such partners, unless you're one of the lucky ones who finds your soul mate early on and never has need to experience that pain.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
Some of them are her's, but others are people we knew first but she's grown to have her own relationship with that doesn't involve us.
arg, parenthood!
Other colleges near by are a good idea, I'll see what I can dig up. There are 4 other uni's within a few miles of her campus, transportation is a significant issue, but maybe, just maybe....
I can't really help out from a parenting perspective, I don't have a kid.
I think there's a couple things I can actually say that are helpful, though.
One, she can totally see a counselor. Most colleges have free counseling for students of some form. It can maybe be a bit of a bureaucratic pile to get it all set up, but I have friends in the psych department that provide real help to a lot of undergrads who need it. Look into it, it's worthwhile and cheap.
Two, my girlfriend broke up with me in the middle of May. I started dating her when I was 17, and I'm now almost 29. It wasn't just a longer relationship than any other person I know under the age of 40, it was also very happy and very compatible and something I expected to last forever. I was pretty much ready for marriage in the next year.
For legitimate and understandable reasons, she broke it off with me. There were tears like crazy, and I felt incredibly depressed. She felt incredibly depressed. It was sad. We didn't immediately cut off all contact, but we cut off most contact. We still really liked each other, and we still felt like this was just unfortunate and hoped to be friends again soon. She took all her stuff out of the apartment, I unfriended her on facebook, we just... stopped seeing each other.
We still live in the same town and have a lot of mutual friends, but there's a tacit agreement that we're not interested in being in the same place. Because it hurts to be in the same place. I like her, she's great. I hope she does amazing things and has a great life. But seeing her makes me think about how I don't understand what I'm supposed to feel right now. Should I be over her, or is that cruel? Should I treat her like my other friends? How can I talk to her about what's been going on in my life, when the undercurrent of it all is "since that gut-wrenching breakup...."?
The first thing I did was spend time with friends. Like I said, I have a lot of friends in the psych department, so they were good ad-hoc counselors. I spent basically every night for two weeks doing something with some friends. I also got on OK Cupid. My successful online dating story can be seen in the past like 2 Internet Dating threads. They even named the latest one after me! Long story short, I dated a few very nice people and eventually found the person I like the most who is absolutely amazing.
It's weird being in a new relationship, it's weird having ended a gigantic life-defining relationship and feeling okay a few months later. It's weird being head-over-heels about a new person just a few months after thinking about marrying someone else. But it's also really, really good.
How the fuck do I talk about that with my ex? How can I be friends when the thing that's foremost on my mind is "oh man I met the most amazing new person since you dumped me!"? Hell, I asked her if she'd mind if I came to a party with the person I'm seeing and her answer was basically "please don't talk to me about dating new people. I'm happy for you, but I can't deal with that."
I still like my ex. I still want to, eventually, be friends with my ex. She was a huge part of my life, and my family's life. She comforted me when my dad died. My mom talked to her after the breakup and said she'd always be like a daughter.
But right now, that's not an appropriate thing to pursue. Later, maybe. But we can cross that bridge when the wounds have healed up a bit more.
I know I'm an internet rando that has no real truck with your kid, but I feel like I had the most unimaginably good outcome that I could possibly have had after a big breakup. And I think I owe it entirely to writing off my prior relationship immediately and finding new people to be with. Being with an ex makes that breakup the most salient part of your life. Being with new people, you can just enjoy yourself.
It sounds like you're doing everything you can do. The counseling at a nearby uni is a good idea if she's into it. Otherwise, I think all you can do is give your advice and offer the support you've offered. It's natural to get conflicting advice from differing sources, and part of growing into an adult is deciding which advice you agree with and want to follow. I agree going back to college itself will help a lot.
As to how to deal with her friends, I agree that speaking to them with the idea of having them stop telling her stuff can be a bit over parenting, but you could, for example, suggest they be the ones to take her on a trip or go do things. Don't make it about the break up or their advice, but about her getting out of the house and doing things. The issue is not over ever getting really over him, the issue is getting functional again. Presumably these people are functional, so they should have no problem with agreeing that being functional is a good idea.
Also, while I agree that starting college again is a good idea and can help, going back to college can also potentially worsen things. Keep an eye out that she doesn't sink deeper when she's away. (For me that was a catalyst, as I lost my rhythm again and had no one preventing me from sinking as deep as I could.) I don't think you need to worry about that much though.
Also also, time is a factor. If she is still just as down in two or three months, or if she is really having trouble and showing no improvement, you should be concerned about clinical depression. The advice is still the same in that case, but maybe she can get counselling at school or something.
i...i hope i wasn't one of those people
if i was i was sincerely not trying to give her any, uh, advice on it but rather just letting her know that i could empathize/sympathize due to having a very similar situation (long distance relationship that other party decided to end because ... reasons) and also sorry
i don't know if the pain she is going through is the same pain i went through but i hope she comes to terms with it.
:bro:
damn near everyone in the world goes through the exact same thing as she's going through to varying degrees.
till then, keep loving her and assuring her (rightfully) that everything will be ok
because it will be!
Reading/listening/writing poetry/music. My method generally involves making a deviantart.com alt and diving into the heartbroken poetry community there. It seriously has helped me in the past encouraging others and making my own poetry there.
Sage advice. Unfortunately, I can't go do much with her (I spend most of my time sick, such is the way of living with a chronic/perpetual illness), and most of the folks who've been suggesting or outright saying "you'll never get over it, really" are online friends...and where I can ask them to do stuff like play a game with her online, it's not quite the same brain-chemistry-animal as getting out of the house. Many of these folk were our friends or aquaintences before they were her's, but she has grown to have her own relationship with them, and I have no intention on injecting myself into those relationships. Her RL friends have been wonderful, but they're also largely getting ready to go back to school right now, they all go back to class before she does, and several have already left.
My mom took her to the family ranch for a couple of days and worked her butt off, and she came home feeling a lot better. I'm trying to figure out ways to go do stuff, or have her go do stuff with her father, other family, or her RL friends more without it coming down to a "mom says you have to" thing.
I also think a good bit of how she's taken the advice people have given her, and in particular the empathy people have been loving and trusting enough to share with her, hasn't been how it's been intended....it's all gone through her own filter, which I think twisted things just enough to enable to her to read empathy and shared stories as reasons for her to never have hope ever again (ah, the joys of being a teenager...you could not pay me enough to go through that again!).
My frustration isn't with her, I've been there, the first broken heart is always the hardest simply because one doesn't know it really will get better with time....my frustration is with the handful of people who've helped to create a downward spiral, who've seen their own pain reflected in her's and seen it as an opportunity to commiserate in destructive ways...and with the folk who've out and out told her it won't get better, not really, that she'll carry this pain for the rest of her days.
She's an artist, and I think she's going to do something in D&D Chat to commemorate the slue of breakups that seem to be going on in and around people's lives there.
I sincerely appreciate the advice I've gotten in here, and both spool32 and I have been given some good ideas for how to help our amazing girl. And we'll certainly be listening if anyone has more to contribute!