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My wife is asexual and I am not.
Red Eyed and Blue
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'll keep this as brief and concise as possible. Also, please try to keep in mind that hindsight "advice" isn't really constructive or helpful and just makes the person you're talking to feel bad as you try to make yourself feel smart. Thank you. 
We've been married 6 years. While dating we had sex and up to getting married we also had sex. She was a virgin before me, but I was not a virgin. I'm very sexual, I've had a lot of partners.
She is young but has hip dysplasia and also was inexperienced/shy. We worked at it because she told me those were the reasons, and I believe that they really were. She says she doesn't know if she know she was asexual then, or rather she does not know if she realized that was the actual reason.
So we got married because we love one another, and we kept doing it. It became harder and harder and then it just kind of stopped. I became afraid to talk about it, I didn't want to hurt her. I still felt the need for sex pretty much all the time. Now, she knows she is asexual, and not through any sort of home diagnosis or anything like that.
We talked about it a lot, and what we came to was that basically while I don't need sex to live, the desire I have for it is quite strong and I feel like I have a part of my that's empty that needs filling (no pun intended). She told me she knows an option would be for me to sleep with "unattached" women every now and then, and she said she would be "okay" with it, but... every time we talk about it, I don't feel like this would be the case. We're very open and we talk about it every few days to try to keep the dialogue going, but I think if it were to happen and she knew she would not be okay with it, but she is conflicted and can't really seem to make herself clear on the matter. I wouldn't do anything she wasn't okay with. It also wasn't me that brought up this issue, but obviously I did think about it.
I feel like it's a problem with no solution. Sex is obviously a real need but not one I could leave her over.
We continue to talk, but it has been some time now. I don't think there will ever be an actual conclusion. Has anyone ever dealt with this, or is anyone qualified to speak on such things? I am trying to hit all the angles, so to speak, as I see a psychiatrist regularly. if I've missed anything or left anything out, please ask for clarification, I'm kind of scattered when it comes to my thoughts on all of this.
also, mods/admins, this is an alt account as I post here regularly and don't want this to be something a person can look at and fuck with me over later, so please do not jam me up for the alt account.
We've been married 6 years. While dating we had sex and up to getting married we also had sex. She was a virgin before me, but I was not a virgin. I'm very sexual, I've had a lot of partners.
She is young but has hip dysplasia and also was inexperienced/shy. We worked at it because she told me those were the reasons, and I believe that they really were. She says she doesn't know if she know she was asexual then, or rather she does not know if she realized that was the actual reason.
So we got married because we love one another, and we kept doing it. It became harder and harder and then it just kind of stopped. I became afraid to talk about it, I didn't want to hurt her. I still felt the need for sex pretty much all the time. Now, she knows she is asexual, and not through any sort of home diagnosis or anything like that.
We talked about it a lot, and what we came to was that basically while I don't need sex to live, the desire I have for it is quite strong and I feel like I have a part of my that's empty that needs filling (no pun intended). She told me she knows an option would be for me to sleep with "unattached" women every now and then, and she said she would be "okay" with it, but... every time we talk about it, I don't feel like this would be the case. We're very open and we talk about it every few days to try to keep the dialogue going, but I think if it were to happen and she knew she would not be okay with it, but she is conflicted and can't really seem to make herself clear on the matter. I wouldn't do anything she wasn't okay with. It also wasn't me that brought up this issue, but obviously I did think about it.
I feel like it's a problem with no solution. Sex is obviously a real need but not one I could leave her over.
We continue to talk, but it has been some time now. I don't think there will ever be an actual conclusion. Has anyone ever dealt with this, or is anyone qualified to speak on such things? I am trying to hit all the angles, so to speak, as I see a psychiatrist regularly. if I've missed anything or left anything out, please ask for clarification, I'm kind of scattered when it comes to my thoughts on all of this.
also, mods/admins, this is an alt account as I post here regularly and don't want this to be something a person can look at and fuck with me over later, so please do not jam me up for the alt account.
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If it wasn't a big deal, it wouldn't be a big deal.
It is... and it's a common issue in lots of relationships. You two need to come to some sort of accord. Her asking you to never have sex again even when you want to is just as bad as you asking her to have sex when she never wants to.
Something has to give. If she is unwilling or unable to provide that for you, then you are both going to have to come to terms on how that's going to be handled.
If one or both of you is not going to be able to deal with you fulfilling your sexual needs with another woman... then I'm not sure how things will go.
You're looking at a life where you never have sex again, ever, for the duration of your relationship aside from the few times you either manage to talk/guilt her into it, or she feels bad enough to offer it to you.
That's setting yourself up for some serious misery and resentment there. Maybe not now, maybe not soon, but eventually.
I agree with everything you said, but there will never be any "guilting" in to anything, neither of us would ever force the other into something we didn't want to do. I don't try to "talk her into it" or guilt trip her because I know what's going on with her. Maybe I'm touchy, but that's kind of a shitty assertion. That's just kind of an aside to the points you were making, though.
I know it's easy to put it out simply, and I understand what you've said, but coming to that resolution is just the definition of "easier said." I feel unequipped to even try to come to anything like it.
I know there's not going to be any sort of magic solution that solves all of our problems. "No sex isn't a reason to leave her." isn't kidding myself because there are so many facets to a successful relationship, and I've never been in one where having one in a not great place would mean giving up something so great. I really don't understand the "all or nothing" advice, it seems to be the go-to on reddit's relationship forum and for people trying to offer "tough love" on the internet, but it's not anything I've heard a professional say to me. How is it so simple?
There are a million and one ways to have sex or at the very least orgasm with someone that you might both enjoy. Lots of partners are more than happy to help their SO even if they're not interested themselves.
If it turns out sex is an important part of who you want to be married to, don't pretend it isn't. You don't get a prize for hanging in a relationship that doesn't feel fulfilling.
Yeah this is something we've talked about and done, thank you for bringing it up. Her main thing is that, other than not having an interest in having sex, she just doesn't like the way the handjobs, blowjobs, etc make her feel. After doing it a lot and trying different ways she said it would always end up giving her the same feeling regular sex did - basically, just uncomfortable and gross (gross not in towards me or my body, just in the way all of it feels to her, on her skin, the fluids, etc).
Also for more info we really did try everything in regards to her, too. Toys, stimulation via other methods, positions, environments, etc.
I may not have stated the timeframe so well. She wasn't sure and had no experience leading up to the marriage and thought it was just problems with the things i mentioned during the first few years, her being new to it, her physical problems, etc. After that we began to think about others things, and she did start seeing a mental health professional, and still does. It was a process that we took very slowly, probably too slowly.
Wasn't trying to say you did, or would even consider it at the moment.
But I'm thinking long term here. As you mentioned, "easier said than done" and you don't even know how to really get your head around it. If you're talking years where you have had no intimate contact with anyone, and your wife is still right there. It's kind of hard to say what you may or may not do. Frustrations just don't go away with no outlet, and unless you two find a healthy way to give yourself an outlet, it's almost certainly going to turn unhealthy at some point.
Seeking counseling and possible medical help is a must as well. I kind of assumed you had done that already from the tone of your first post, but if not, then I think that's a must. She may think it's just who she is, but until that's been verified and confirmed (if it hasn't), then you both owe it to yourselves to make sure that's the case.
But assuming the current situation as it stands is not going to change... then you two really do need to come to grips with the reality of the situation. Couples break up when the sex drives don't match all the time... and that's for those who still have sex, just the frequency isn't working. That's a facet being less than ideal.
But this isn't some minor thing that's just not as good as you might hope for. This is pretty much a major facet, one that is important to you, being completely eliminated. It's much like wanting kids or not. If one of you absolutely wants kids no matter what, and the other one never wants children ever, under any circumstances, that's one facet as well. But you're talking about things that are very important to people... not minor trivialities like if you happen to enjoy going out to clubs now and again or not.
It's not really all or nothing either. You have already clearly stated that a great deal has been tried already, all to no effect. Assuming Dr's and therapists have been tried, or get tried still to no change, then you've already put in a great deal of effort.
It all comes down to one of you giving up something major and important (sex/no sex) or coming to some other non standard arrangement that may be less than ideal to both of you.
But the first arrangement where, from the sounds of it, you will be the one giving up your entire life of sexual activities with another human being... that won't work. I can all but guarantee you that.
Uncomfortable and gross aren't really positive ways to view sexual interactions, like at all... that's some puritan shaming/guilt type language. No one here is qualified to diagnose sexual dysfunction, least of all over the internet. Just by your description there's things she needs to work through before I think it's safe to just shrug and call it asexual.
Edit:
For perspective, what if it turns out she is homosexual? Would you still think sex isn't a big enough part of the relationship to end it? She wouldn't be happy, you wouldn't be happy. Better to be happy separately, or at least be able to pursue happiness. One thing at a time.
Sex is a big deal: both having it and not having it. If you want it, never having it drives you crazy; if you don't the idea of having it, it can make you scared you'll never really be enough for your partner.
It's not simple, though. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. At some point you both need to decide if the relationship is worth the compromise you will both need to make. For her, that might look like allowing you to find a (safe) way to have sex outside of your relationship.. for you it might look like not being able to have it as often as you might think ideal.
There are a hundred different arrangements you can make.. you might want to consider sitting down with her and brainstorming - saying and writing down literally every ridiculous idea that comes to your head for something that could be a potential solution. With that list written out you might find ways to compromise that you didn't think you had, things that one or both of you are okay with that you didn't think would be the case.
It's probably worth a shot.
I think you're misunderstanding, she has seen a professional and does see one. Sexual activity makes her feel uncomfortable and "gross", but not shame. She doesn't feel as if she has done anything "bad" or morally wrong. She's not religious at all. No one is shrugging and calling it anything. As I said, and will say again, we do see professionals, both of us, she has seen and sees both a mental health professional and a medical doctor. I apologize if I've been unclear in this or anything. They've both said that those feelings are common in people who simply don't desire sex the way others do. I'm not sure how to make it more clear that we did not make this diagnosis ourselves and I do not expect someone on the internet to make another one. Also, she is definitely not homosexual.
Honestly, I think the brainstorming idea is great and I have no idea why we haven't done that. We have tried to come to some "arrangements", but we've hardly tried many things or even came up with tons of them. I always find putting things on paper to be helpful in other areas of my life, so I don't see why it couldn't help here.
I don't think you understand why I asked if it would be okay if she were homosexual. The point was that it is incompatible with your current relationship. Trying to rationalize and maintain an unhappy relationship with someone who is asexual is no different than doing so with someone who is homosexual. Their sexuality does not align with yours in a way that makes your arrangement satisfying or functional. As Ceres said, you will need to figure out what will satisfy your needs. You can have intimacy without sex, but you need to be on the same page about what your plans are moving forward.
Also, don't discount a second opinion or couples counselling if you have not already tried. If she's seeing someone for depression and it isn't really helping (example) then you would see someone else.
The OP has said that she's in therapy and he doesn't see her as broken already in a bunch of different ways; all of that stuff is not what he's asking. What he is asking is for potential ways to proceed assuming she never wants it again and he does so that the relationship might not need to end and they can both find a way to be happy and get what they need with full knowledge and consent of the other.
So you know.. answer that.
The main misunderstanding comes from your continuous assertion that we have somehow decided this all on our own. It's simply not true and I'm not sure why continuing that line is of any use to me or to you, nor do I understand why you have not acknowledged why you think this is a thing that happened, so please do acknowledge that. You also do not need to be "diagnosed" as asexual. I also do not appreciate your assumptions and assertions that she is puritanical or "unhealthy" in her views.
I get what you're saying about the homosexuality comment now, but again I have to refute you on the all or nothing "unhappy relationship" thing. We are not unhappy. We are not rationalizing it. We have a problem. A serious one, but not an all or nothing issue, or at least not one we are going to give up on, and it is definitely one we are searching for solutions for. We also do not discount couples counseling, as I have said we see professionals.
Otherwise I second the brainstorming suggestion.
Shitty Tumblr:lighthouse1138.tumblr.com
If you stay, you can choose to remain celibate, try to negotiate your relationship open, or you can cheat
If you leave, you can do whatever the fuck you want
Those are your choices, it's up to you and your partner to work through them together, not with some rando internet people
We ARE working through them together. I have made it super abundantly clear that we are communicators working through it, but I'm also trying to talk things through with other people with experience, like professionals in real life, and even, yes, random internet people who might have experience. I don't know why you are on the help/advice forum telling people not to seek help/advice. I'm pretty clearly not saying "hey internet, what should I do here?" and opening a straw poll and going for the most voted option. In pretty much anything, people are going to have insight that may help and give ideas that's what this sub-forum is here for.
She likes cuddling sometimes, and she always kisses me but the only kind she really enjoys are the little "smooches" (I hate that word) on the lips.
With all of it going on she does make an effort, in her way like those things, and without them, yeah, it would be a much much shittier deal and would be more "all or nothing break up time."
I'm probably going to be breaking the responder mold here because I'm also asexual, on the aromantic spectrum. If you both haven't yet, I would greatly advise you to seek out the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN). It is a community and resource that I am betting is chock full of couples in your situation. They'd know better than anyone what kinds of things might work and which will only lead to unhappiness. Not to mention it can help you and your wife come to terms with how she's feeling. Once you've got that hammered out you'll be in a better position to choose a path.
In fact, let me go pull up a couple links for you.
http://www.asexuality.org/home/?q=relationship.html#fs1
http://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/
The first is a FAQ for asexuals and relationships, with questions from both the asexuals and the sexuals. The second is a forum for sexuals in a relationship with asexuals, where I'm sure you can get far better answers than a video game forum.
Whether she is "naturally" asexual, or if it's caused by medications, or smithy is is really her not being attracted to you but she can't process it, the result is the same: you're not having sex with her.
A therapist or a message board can't tell you if you want to stay in a sexless relationship.
This is excellent, thank you. Had no idea about these but I gave her the links too and we're both reading them today.
edit: and thank you, ceres.
Just from the standpoint of opening things up, I'll echo this advice. There are some good resources out there now for how to take baby steps into this, and if she's a good communicator, you have to take her word for what shes okay with. You can slow things down and adjust rules as you go. There are tons of different reasons and arrangements for open relationships, and this is one of them.
I think that The Ethical Slut (a book) has some good prompts and guidelines for things that may come up while exploring this. It maybe a good read for you and your wife if you think that jealousy/being honest about emotions maybe hard for either of you. Its not just about being good communicators, you have to be aware of your emotions, especially irrational ones, and be able to vocalize them in healthy ways. Maybe she does end up feeling jealous and upset when you come home after a date, you'll want some guidelines on how to work it out, and reading up on it and talking out these scenarios before hand will make a huge difference.
One of the things you may find is that people in successful open relationships often still keep it kind of private, so getting public advice in certain spaces maybe difficult. People often don't believe it's possible to do it healthily, or have harsh judgements for people who seek other partners, or whatever. Make sure any therapy you seek as a couple is sex positive and sees it as a valid option, or it may really fuck with your progress.
Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino, is another book I'd recommend if you are considering this. I have not read the Ethical Slut, but I have read Opening up, and it's been fantastic for me, and I've recommended it to others who later told me it really helped them. So that is another thing to check out.
I'm late to the party here, but I'd like to point out that without arousal and all the good stuff that comes with it, sex is kind of like playing with snot. It's not hard to see why someone might be grossed out by that.
You have a lot of good things in your marriage - it sounds like you both love each other, communicate well, and generally want to be together. That means finding a solution to what seems like the one problem in your marriage. It sounds like you've tried every solution up to an open marriage, and she sounds receptive to some of arrangement, so I think what you should do is discuss the guidelines / terms that she would find acceptable. You may have to make some compromises as well, but it sounds like this is something you're willing to do as long as your minimum needs are met.
I wouldn't expect the process to be painless or without some difficulty, but I think that as long as you keep communicating you'll be able to work through it together. If it turns out that there isn't some middle ground or compromise that makes you both happy, that's a problem you'll need to solve when you've tried and exhausted all the other possibilities.
But the first thing that came to my mind was setting up a plan (possibly with your therapist or not) and tell your wife that you've been with someone else. I'm not saying go be with someone else, but tell her you've been with someone else. That way, you can open up a discussion with her afterwards and determine if she really would have problems with you being with someone else. After things have calmed down, you can tell her that you haven't been but wanted to try and see how she really felt about it.
I know that sounds shady and devious, and completely understand if you disregard this...but maybe there is something similar to help determine how she would truly feel about you being with someone else. Just throwing something else out there that no one else has mentioned (and maybe for good reason).
I agree, lying to your spouse is never a good idea. But this is lying temporarily to determine if what she's saying (okay to sleep with "unattached" women) is actually the truth or a lie.