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How Do you Move on in Life when your wife and yourself are going in opposite directions
beemer540ia
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I have never reached out to others seeking advice and opinions on something as IMPORTANT in my life or the impact it will have on both of us. A bit of background. We are about 60YO, married since we were 23, three adult children and live alone in a BIG home where we raised our children. Over the past years I felt my interests and desires are not in line with my wife. I am adventuress but not to the point of cheating on my wife. She is a wonderful person, takes good care of herself and seems to have the interests of my well being, certainly health. She leads a very routine and 'plane Jane' lifestyle and she seems to think everything is wonderful. Myself on the other hand feels our relationship is dead... Our lives don't feel like they will ever be the same and I am exhausted to even try fixing anything. We have fallen out of common interests. We don't agree on things. She always shouts at my driving and is scared to death how i drive, although I have never had an accident. We have not had any sex or intimacy in years and at this point I don't care to have sex with her. When we go to bed, we immediately roll over and go to sleep. No interest on either side. I've been feeling of leaving but I am at a complete loss how to talk to her about all of this since she feels everything is wonderful. Yes, I have tried to talk to her about these things and my feelings and she would shout at me and tell me to stop it. It's like she does not want to hear it and just wants the problem to go away, but it won't.
I keep saying to myself "Nothing will ever be the same". I feel like I am missing out on other things in my life that I know she would not want anything to do with and I would never force her into, but that does not mean I should be giving up more things when we all have only one time around in our lives. I have no interests in other women at this time so it's not that I have a girl ready and waiting.
Where I am presently at...
- Still live in the same house but I do need to find another living quarters
- Need to tell her that I need to leave or separate for a while. Have NO idea how to do this, in person or just leave a note. Both methods are terrible
- I'm not ready to divorce, but clearly I want to be alone
All advice is appreciated.
I keep saying to myself "Nothing will ever be the same". I feel like I am missing out on other things in my life that I know she would not want anything to do with and I would never force her into, but that does not mean I should be giving up more things when we all have only one time around in our lives. I have no interests in other women at this time so it's not that I have a girl ready and waiting.
Where I am presently at...
- Still live in the same house but I do need to find another living quarters
- Need to tell her that I need to leave or separate for a while. Have NO idea how to do this, in person or just leave a note. Both methods are terrible
- I'm not ready to divorce, but clearly I want to be alone
All advice is appreciated.
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For example, my fiancee's parents travel individually fairly regularly, and they like it just fine as it gives them time to themselves, away from their spouse to sort of unwind. My fiancee and I will likely do the same, as we value our personal time apart from one another fairly high.
Now, if part of the experience you feel you're missing out on would eventually involve other women, then that's definitely a splitting up scenario, but if it's just an experiences thing, you may not need to take it that far.
That said, leaving a note will be far worse than in person. This sort of thing is best done in person - who knows, telling her to her face that there's a problem big enough that you need some time away may spark a deeper conversation that eventually leads to the relationship being repaired (if you're at all interested in repairing it).
Is counseling an option?
You don't give a lot of detail here, but if she's as ignorant of the problems that you're having that she "thinks everything is wonderful," then no wonder you feel the relationship is dead... it seems like you don't talk to her about what you feel and think and need. Forgive me if I've misinterpreted, I know it's also possible that you have told her things and she ignores what you ask for, which is a bigger problem. If the problem is that you haven't been saying your words, then you can try to fix that by talking more about your needs. If the problem is that you've been telling her things she ignores, then it's much harder to solve because she has to want to work on things and start listening to you.
I'll second the advice for counseling. That might even be a way to broach the subjects that you're having problems bringing up, "I'm having problems right now and I think we should see a marriage counselor." It may feel like a dramatic thing to say or as if it's a huge blow you're dealing her, but I assure you, "I'm leaving" with no preamble would be a bigger blow. Might as well let her know it's a serious problem as soon as possible.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
I am sure she would be a great companion for someone but it does not seem like its going to be me any longer,
I am sure down the road my life would involve other women but that is not the reason I feel like leaving. I feel my life is passing me by.
That's a huge mixed message, and that could be part of the problem. If you're that fed up with it and you don't want to even try to fix it via communication or professional counselling, then I'd say you're pretty much ready to divorce. You don't sound very conflicted at all when you talk about your day-to-day, in as much as avoiding your wife as much as you can.
However, if you're really not ready for divorce, then there's a part of you that thinks this can be salvaged. The problem there is that salvaging a relationship takes time and effort, from both parties.
Either way, you basically know what you need to do from here - find a place to live, tell her what's about to happen, and do it. The conversation IS going to suck, there's no way around that. Just be honest with her. Don't lie, don't make excuses, and don't focus on minutia - this isn't just about her yelling at you while you drive.
If you decide it's time for divorce, tell her that straight up. If you're not sure yet, tell her that straight up. Honesty is the only thing that's going to make this conversation and less awful.
That said, assuming you are on the straight and narrow here your posts seem to be seeking approval for divorcing your wife because you want sex and don't want to work out your own relationship problems. Strangers on a forum won't absolve your guilt nor grant approval for what you are clearly feeling is a betrayal of your wife. If you want to take those steps, you take responsibility for them.
I have no idea how to tell your wife you're leaving, you're the one who knows her best.