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Helping My Girlfriend
SoonerMan
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ok, there was a bunch of drama about our prom set up this evening. Our prom is tomorrow. We were going with a bunch of friends but it is down to just my girlfriend and me (tentatively two others) and we're ok with that. Well it's late and we HAD decided on leaving at 10:30 to have plenty of time to beat the lunch rush and everything I still needed to run to Wal*Mart to look for something. I knew she wanted plenty of time to go get ready, do her hair, and make up and all of that jazz which is why we were going in the afternoon so we wouldn't fuck anything up by going out at night. Well she then tells me,
"Can we go at 11:30?"
"Uhm... sure, why?"
"Just... can we?"
"Ya, don't worry. What's wrong?"
"Nothing, my mom just suggested it."
I should note her mom is a fucking night. I said in another topic how she stomps on people to make sure she gets what she wants.
"Ok, well its fine but just a second ago you were willing to have a lunch at 11:00 (to accommodate the guys now not going) and now you don't want to get out of bed until then? I wanted to leave at 11ish to have plenty of time for you and myself." I admit I was playing devil's advocate and fucked things up here
We kind of talk about when we're going to leave and then she gets definitive because her mom is around says, "Its ok. We'll leave at 11."
"No, REALLY. It is ok, I just wanted time for you. If you want to sleep in its ok with me."
Then I hear her mom yell to me that I should just pick her up at 6 before prom starts then I hear glass break. I'm in a "Oh fuck" mode.
Girlfriend starts crying and then she tells me 11:30 is ok, problem should be solved but then I hear her mom say again, "11:30?! WHY IS IT ALWAYS HIS WAY?!" Then I'm thinking, wtf? did she not just fucking suggest 11:30 and I agreed to it?
It ended with my girlfriend sobbing and telling me 11:30 and then the line going dead. Her mom is a complete nut in my opinion and fuck trying to discipline a kid or anything, she was going apeshit on her about something that did not necessarily involve her. She (gf's mom) will go above and beyond the chain of command to make sure she gets her way. I did everything I thought I could have to make things good for her and myself, because its HER Junior Prom (mine was last years) so I wanted it to all work her and I did not think she would mind me going to a store for a bit if we had plenty of time.
Basically I'm tired of my girlfriend's mom being a bully to her. My girlfriend loves her mother and everything, but it seems almost out of fear. They get along great whenever there's mutualism in the house but when she disagrees with her in the slightest it is a big deal. Her mom has a big thing about her thinking she doesn't stand up to me and get HER way. In the end I always compensate because we see things differently and most of her opinion is what her mom told her to do. I don't know what all of her options are sans moving in with other family (possible) or being emancipated (she wouldn't want to.)
Please help.
"Can we go at 11:30?"
"Uhm... sure, why?"
"Just... can we?"
"Ya, don't worry. What's wrong?"
"Nothing, my mom just suggested it."
I should note her mom is a fucking night. I said in another topic how she stomps on people to make sure she gets what she wants.
"Ok, well its fine but just a second ago you were willing to have a lunch at 11:00 (to accommodate the guys now not going) and now you don't want to get out of bed until then? I wanted to leave at 11ish to have plenty of time for you and myself." I admit I was playing devil's advocate and fucked things up here
We kind of talk about when we're going to leave and then she gets definitive because her mom is around says, "Its ok. We'll leave at 11."
"No, REALLY. It is ok, I just wanted time for you. If you want to sleep in its ok with me."
Then I hear her mom yell to me that I should just pick her up at 6 before prom starts then I hear glass break. I'm in a "Oh fuck" mode.
Girlfriend starts crying and then she tells me 11:30 is ok, problem should be solved but then I hear her mom say again, "11:30?! WHY IS IT ALWAYS HIS WAY?!" Then I'm thinking, wtf? did she not just fucking suggest 11:30 and I agreed to it?
It ended with my girlfriend sobbing and telling me 11:30 and then the line going dead. Her mom is a complete nut in my opinion and fuck trying to discipline a kid or anything, she was going apeshit on her about something that did not necessarily involve her. She (gf's mom) will go above and beyond the chain of command to make sure she gets her way. I did everything I thought I could have to make things good for her and myself, because its HER Junior Prom (mine was last years) so I wanted it to all work her and I did not think she would mind me going to a store for a bit if we had plenty of time.
Basically I'm tired of my girlfriend's mom being a bully to her. My girlfriend loves her mother and everything, but it seems almost out of fear. They get along great whenever there's mutualism in the house but when she disagrees with her in the slightest it is a big deal. Her mom has a big thing about her thinking she doesn't stand up to me and get HER way. In the end I always compensate because we see things differently and most of her opinion is what her mom told her to do. I don't know what all of her options are sans moving in with other family (possible) or being emancipated (she wouldn't want to.)
Please help.
Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma~! O-K-U!
SoonerMan on
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So relax, step out of the way, take it easy. Don't make your girlfriend feel like her mum's being a bitch, even if she is, because it'll just lead to her feeling torn about herself and looking for other options where there are none. Just be there for her when she really needs you, demonstrate that you're cool and willing to go with the flow even when it's dictated by an outside source. It's just a prom. 10? 11:30? 6? It doesn't matter. What matters is you both have a good time, and the biggest thing that that involves is not stressing out.
tl;dr: even if her mum's a dick, make it easy on everyone by not making a drama out of it and showing that you're above it. A teenage girl's relationship with her mother is almost always something which will be rocky as hell at certain times and the only thing that will fix that is time
Tell me how to quit being a selfish cock and bite the bullet.
What can I say? You seem reasonable. You just beat out half of the fucktards I couldn't give the time of day to.
I'm not not entirely sure what would help you out here. But when all else fails, go with what you know, yes? Take it from a guy who used to hunt people. Know thy enemy. Know how they move, know how they think, know how they breathe. Know what they pay attention to.
I'm unsure of if you are of the capacity to anticipate the mother's moves yet. You seem to have the bulk of it down. If you thought about it, could you accurately predict how this person would react? Do you know thier root, their 'qua'? It is important that you do. I see something important here, that you have learned to discern the will of the person versus the will of someone who dominates that person. Not many people can do this. Many times this force of will appears as an unknown, or field of grey. It is easy to confuse a person's true desires with those brought to them by an outside force.
Your victory lies in this discernment. Every person struggles to find their own identity, their own way of being. As you define your actions by what you perceive, your girlfriend or at least, part of her, exists outside of her mother's actions to decide what is right. The individual's identity and the actions associated with it always take priority. One cannot help but be what they are. In this light, it is imperative that you take time to understand what it is that your girlfriend wants for herself.
You are granted some leeway in that adolescence always hides a meaningful portion of itself from its superiors in order to keep it safe and untainted by influential sources. A means of preserving and maintaining one's own identity. You are, as a peer, in a position to know what this portion is- and that this supercedes an individual's reactionary efforts to their authorties.
It is my advice then, that you keep an active discernment on what it is that your girlfreind wants and what it is that her mother wants her to want. Recognize that your girlfriend's conclusions are likely to be a blend of actions that suit her needs as an individual and as someone who is ultimately accountable to this authoritative figure. My hope is that this will allow you to rise above, knowing which parts are hers and which parts are not hers, enabling you to love what you should and otherwise store what you need to know.
Remember that interaction with any one person forms a chain, your actions may in some form be passed on to another. But by knowing and concsiously regulating your output, you can in some way control the idea being passed on to others. Ideally, one is able to act in complete honesty with thier chosen partner, but sometimes there are extenuating circumstances. In these cases, it is wise to segregate your relationship and thier relationship, so that your girlfriend knows that the bits of herself that relate to you are honest and without regulation, but the bits that relate to you and her mother through herself require regulation. This capitalizes on the need for individuality in your favor - as it should be -, maintains the need for information control, and still allows for honest and forthright communication between yourself and your girlfreind.
I guess the 'tldr' of this is to keep your girlfriend and her mother as separate entitities in your mind. Learn to anticipate and use damage control to your favor. Play to your girlfriend's sense of individuality to render her mother's squawkings irrelevant. When you can, play your actions to find acceptance in the mother's way of thinking. Be aware, and act with precision. Blind the enemy or make them agreeable to your actions. Lull them, grow in the cracks of thier weaknesses. Over time, you will prevail. Good luck.
OP, you're not being a selfish cock in the slightest. There are few things more frustrating than a stupid twat or prick (or both!) of a parent screwing with someone you love, because interference is a very, very tempting but VERY bad idea. All you can do is be patient with your gf, ignore the living shit out of Captain Cuntface - so long as she's not throwing shit at you or her daughter - and get a couple of voodoo dolls.
Indeed. This is not the Care Bears' interpretation of The Art of War; this is a socially awkward high-school dilemma. Ironically, that last paragraph did have good advice, getting down to the heart of the problem: the gf has to distance herself from her mom, something a lot of people never quite manage. In the meantime, there's not much to be done about that except have a lot of patience and understanding.
I agree with this, but it is still good to try. I see a certain quality to SoonerMan, something I wish to remain preserved. All one can do is give their best effort, and then what is, is. It is something not easily taught, and less easily understood- but I'd give just about anything for someone like this to know what I know without going through what I had to to learn it. Truth.
1) Our families are different. Her father died when she was young to leukemia, he seemed like a great guy and I was always wondered how my girlfriend's parents ever got together. I have all of my family with me, but I guess the difference comes in just how we were. Her mom has an air of superiority about her and she is a deity because she is who she is whereas I feel my family is a little more laid back and welcoming.
2) My girlfriend and myself have had a fair share of arguments. We do it a lot but that reflects on our personalities, we're both insanely stubborn and argumentative. Because of our arguments her mother feels that she is not standing up for herself, which I find odd because we would not be arguing if she were just giving in to whatever I wanted.
More or less she just feels like she has to be involved with her daughter's life because, well, she is all she has. But I have predicted her mom will be fucking crazy once she goes off to college, and my gf has said she can't wait to get away. I kind of feel like I've caused a lot of these just by my presence. I can totally understand wanting to be a part of your child's life and all, but lord.
I'm not sure what the relevance of any of this is aside from the fact that I think it reaffirms everyone's "Batshit Mom" theorem. Whenever she gets upset because of something her mom did, I try to comfort her but then this rage inside me builds because her mom shouldn't be doing that to her. Same thing for when I see her mom make decisions for her and then her mom will usually say the decision was not get enough and blame it on the both of us.
We agree she's crazy. I need help on how to control myself from not making things worse for my girlfriend. What I think needs to happen is someone needs to put that bitch in her place, but I don't think I'm the right person for it since I'm still a "kid."
A few months ago, the girl was dating a mutual male friend long distance (he lives here, she lives away...basically, he's originally my friend, and she's originally my girlfriend's friend) and it didn't look like things we're going to work out. So, this male friend gets the idea that he wants to make a last-ditch attempt to show his affection for her, and my girlfriend and I help him make chocolate covered strawberries, put them in a nice box, and write a poem that he's going to drive out two hours to give her.
She appreciates it, but it doesn't work. So, whatever - that's the end of it, you win some you lose some, right? Not quite. The girl's mother finds out about it, and calls us. She was on the phone with my girlfriend for about ten minutes, and when my girlfriend started crying (which I know was the woman's intention - she was pissed that her daughter's friend had apparently "sided" with the "other side" and was going on and on about betrayal and other shit that was just completely overblown) I took the phone and started talking with her myself. Ironically, she was trying to tell us that we should have stayed out of it and let the two handle it on their own - you know, exactly what she was doing with that phone call, right?
Moral of the story: Some women never grow up. They still have that sophomoric need to dramatize everything, and they do it vicariously through their daughters if they have them. The best thing you can do is try to avoid it, and give the daughter support for the crap she's got to put up with.
My friend also had to deal with her mother calling her and telling her she looked like a slut in a picture she posted on Facebook (which she didn't at all) because the mother routinely scours things like that for fresh material.
Of course it's entirely possible, as people have suggested, that this is a normal part of mothers and daughters growing up and apart, and shifitng up against each other in the process. If that's the case, the same advice still applies.
In the event of actual abuse, however, everything above is void. If she was being physically abused, you would of course have to tell your gf to call the policy. If she wouldn't, it would be your responsibility to call the police (or someone at the school or whatever) and get them involved. She might hate you for it then, but she'd be much better off in the long run for it.
We were going to eat today and she showed a nice new bruise she had on her arm. She told me she didn't know where it came from. I call bullshit. I'm not stupid. Her mom and her were fighting last night and all of a sudden her arm is bruised. Thankfully it's not all that big, but I have no proof that it was in fact her mom doing this... still yet, I'm fucking fed up.
www.rockmidgets.com
This is something petty, but it seriously reaffirms my fear that she has the "NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY DAUGHTER"-thing but not just because I'm anyone, but because I'm who I am. When we were taking pictures for prom my girlfriend had to tell me she was taking a pose for herself, and I think it would've been better had she not told me why. Her taking a picture of how gorgeous she looked was fine, but to know that her mom solely wanted it for this reason; instead of sending a picture of us as a couple to her relatives in Texas (who she admits they are not even close to) she wanted to send one of just her because they did not know me. That pissed me off just because my family has been nothing but welcoming to hers, and its like I don't exist when it comes to this.
Maybe I'm being irrational, but just her being a kid like that pisses me off.
You're seriously egotistical and it's affecting your judgement.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Sounds to me like you need to learn to pick your battles. Arguing over what time to leave for prom or whether you should be present in a photography are not battles I would pick.
Seriously, this shit? Not helpful. You're not providing advice and your "moral of the story" is childish and pandering. This forum is not your soapbox.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Egotistical? Sure. To though if they're into that close then what would it matter if I were in the picture anyhow?
I know you're a mod and everything, Pheezer, but I kind of appreciated Taximes advice. Just because you think a situation should be handled a certain doesn't mean everyone else has to adhere to what you think.
She (the mom) has a right to not want to send pictures of her daughter's boyfriend to her relatives. Why is she doing it? You don't know. You just have to deal with it. If you don't want to deal with it, then don't, but don't expect to be dating your girlfriend for long.
Sidebar: If she is abusing your girlfriend, and you have actual proof (yes, people do get bruises from unknown sources. I've got a huge one on my leg right now, and my mother's not abusive), then it would be a good idea to call CPS or something. But that's a whole other issue.
I tried to make it as clear as I could that it wasn't the fact that I wasn't in the picture and she was sending it off, but just sort of the way it was presented me. Obviously I failed in that endeavor. She seemed as put-off about it as I became to be when she told me and in the tone it was said to me was the way I took it and that was in a, "You're not good enough to be seen by the family." In the end it doesn't matter to me, I will probably never meet those folks but it just seemed like her mom trying to play the bitch again.
Well given the circumstances that happened before she showed me the bruise, I thought it was a reasonable possibility that maybe her mom finally snapped and hit her or something.
This mother reminds me of a friends mothers. Superfast background on that relationship. Parents broke up when he was young, he rarely if ever sees his father as he lives in a different state but they occasionally talk. She since she has become the sole parent has also become batshit crazy, she demands fathers day presents because she thinks she does the work of two parents. She selfish to the point of insanity and will blow her own horn until people are deaf from it. When her son "ignores" her she will sent hateful abusive emails to him that really hurt him personally.
I'm guessing that in your case she is also a only child from that relationship.
Bottom line her mother is lonely and selfish and thinks you are trying to drive a wedge between that bond that they have. (Hence the entire you aren't good enough for my daughter speel).
The only thing you can do if you want to to take her on is be the fucking Iceman, everytime she yells do not yell, state exactly what you think in low level terms and everytime she does yell at you say the following words. "I'm showing you the respect not to yell at you, I would appreciate the same level of civility". This will drive her insane, but will also show your girlfriend that it is possible to have an arguement without being batshit insane.
I don't want to be mean to your girlfriend but she's eventually going to have to breakup with her mother, the mother creates destructive relationships and as soon as your girlfriend moves out or matures some more (not being mean, but she will realise that she doesn't have to take this shit). She will either tell her mother to behave or not be part of her life, these are the only two possible outcomes for your girlfriend to truly be happy as at the moment the BSCM (yeah I intialised Bat Shit Crazy Mother) is dragging her down.
Satans..... hints.....
Well, that pretty much explains it. She's not ready to share her daughter after having her all to herself all these years. She's just being overprotective and, well, a bit extreme. I know you would LOVE to see that bitch set in her place....hell, I just started this thread 5 minutes ago and I would like to give her a piece of my mind. The thing is....you can't.
I think you should be as supportive as possible for your gf, and don't let the mom ruin the times and attitude you have toward her. In time, if you treat her like she wants to be treated, she will
1.) Slowly convince her mom through happiness and eagerness to see you that you make your gf happy.
2.) Start picking you to listen to/do things with over her mom if you don't throw shit and go nuts like the mom.
3.) Love the hell out of you for not giving a shit about her mom. Do you know how self-conscious this poor girl has to be over this? Let her know you are their to talk to. Let HER vent about her mom, not you.
It seems like you have a lot of anger at your girlfriend's mom and I think the best way to handle it is to let it go. Based on your earlier posts, I assume you want to be with this girl a long time. And guess what - for as long as you're with her, her mother will be there too and you need to learn to cope (yes, even as a teenager who doesn't take shit). I recommend taking 10 deep breaths and then starting on a blank page with her mother every time she pisses you off or does something that you don't like. And DON'T put your girlfriend in the middle. That makes her have to chose between you and her mother and regardless of what choice she makes in that situation, she's going to be hurt and I'm pretty sure you don't want that.
Also, if your girlfriend is open to it, you might talk to her about how much she shares about your relationship with her mother. If she only talks to her mom when you guys are fighting/arguing, then her mother doesn't really have a clear picture of your relationship and is of course going to be against you. I'm not saying that she shouldn't talk about it with her at all...that is part of most mother daughter relationships, but maybe she could think about what she says so that you two don't have it out so much.
On a final note, be really careful in where you think your girlfriend is coming from (her or her mother) when she says something. Someone else said to view them as separate entities, which they are, but keep in mind she was raised by her mother, so even if an idea seems to be coming from mom, it may be your girlfriend.