Friend's cheating spouse: to gift or not to gift?

Calica

My friend's spouse is having an emotional affair that's putting a ton of strain on their marriage. Things had been worse, then better, and now worse again. I had planned to give them each individual Christmas gifts, both at least partly handmade, which will have to be mailed because I won't see them over the holidays. Should I hold off on giving the cheater their gift? Should I ask my friend first whether they're ok with me sending the spouse their gift anyway?

Withholding Christmas presents seems so petty, but I don't want to hurt my friend.

admanb

"Hey, I was gonna give <person> a Christmas present. Is that cool?"

DevoutlyApathetic

Calica wrote: »

My friend's spouse is having an emotional affair that's putting a ton of strain on their marriage. Things had been worse, then better, and now worse again. I had planned to give them each individual Christmas gifts, both at least partly handmade, which will have to be mailed because I won't see them over the holidays. Should I hold off on giving the cheater their gift? Should I ask my friend first whether they're ok with me sending the spouse their gift anyway?

Withholding Christmas presents seems so petty, but I don't want to hurt my friend.

I don't know if I'd ask the friend but talking with them and mentioning you got x a gift already but [insert sympathetic statements here] wouldn't be out of line. At this point I wouldn't change how you act towards her until they decide on some sort of change because it will definitely not help your friend, likely the opposite actually.

ceres

I dunno, I think if they're still together you should just send it.

Gaslight

Handling friendships with one or both members of a couple in a relationship that is in trouble is obviously very tough. I think the best general principle is:

I would say that you should offer support and sympathy to your friend in all areas where they make it clear they want it, but in all other respects, until they officially split, treat them like you would any other couple and pretend nothing is going on. There is little good that can come from the appearance that you are taking sides (even if you certainly are, if you're only really friends with one of them and they're the wronged party).

So I lean towards giving them both their gifts, but if you're really concerned about it just give your friend a heads-up first explaining you already had gotten the gift for their spouse, you didn't want to cause more potential drama by witholding it, etc.

BouwsT

Gaslight wrote: »

Handling friendships with one or both members of a couple in a relationship that is in trouble is obviously very tough. I think the best general principle is:

I would say that you should offer support and sympathy to your friend in all areas where they make it clear they want it, but in all other respects, until they officially split, treat them like you would any other couple and pretend nothing is going on. There is little good that can come from the appearance that you are taking sides (even if you certainly are, if you're only really friends with one of them and they're the wronged party).

So I lean towards giving them both their gifts, but if you're really concerned about it just give your friend a heads-up first explaining you already had gotten the gift for their spouse, you didn't want to cause more potential drama by witholding it, etc.

Get out of my brain.

Calica

Thanks everyone. I was already leaning toward sending it, but I wanted a sanity check