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I committed sexual assault

MonsterAltMonsterAlt Registered User new member
I don't know where to start. My head is swimming, I've cried, I keep getting waves of nausea. I'm just gonna type now, sorry if it's long and meandering but I don't know how else to present it.

This last weekend, I hosted a lady friend of mine. She stayed over for a few nights. She's always only been a friend -- I've known she was attractive, but the majority of the time I've known her she had a boyfriend, so I've never considered her as more than a friend.

The first night, we are out and about doing some things, she mentions that she wants to drink that night back at my place. Okay, nothing strange. We've drank together before, not obscene amounts, but yeah. Nothing went off in my head. We get home after having a drink or two out in town and I joke about drinking some strong liquor I have. She immediately jumps on the idea and downs two shots. This is unheard of for her, and I have my first inkling that she might want something more from the night and is trying to make herself less nervous. She insists I match the number of shots she has, and all told, we wind up each having six or seven shots. We're in my bedroom this whole time (she's set up to stay in the guest room) and she's rolling around on the floor. I'm on my bed.

We're talking and it gets flirty. She begins to go on about how she gives blowjobs, her technique, all these details she's usually extraordinarily prudish about. She asks how I go down on women. I play into it, and we get pretty directly flirty.

At this point she complains about how uncomfortable the floor is -- I pick her up and place her on my bed. She's way more sloshed than me -- I'm bigger than her, so I'm not as hit by the booze, though I am dizzy/quite tipsy. I know she's drunk, and I know it's wrong to do anything with her. So I sit on the edge of the bed, and we continue talking. After some time I ask her if she wants to go into her room and go to sleep. She insists no, and asks that I lay down next to her. I do, keeping my distance.

Somehow -- and my mind is truly foggy on when/how this happened -- my hand ends up on her stomach. She snuggles into me instantly and we stay like that for a while longer. Again and again, I say that I can take her into the other room to go to sleep, or I can go there myself. She denies each time. Finally, after some more minutes of that, I bluntly ask her what's going on. I say there's no audience here, we're in bed together, so can we please just talk about this. I tell her she's too drunk to do anything with. We talk about her intentions for that night.

She opens up that she wants to fool around, and drank to lower her nerves, but she's never done a friend with benefits type thing and is super nervous about it (she's very religious). I say that's okay, there's no rush to any of this, there's no need to deal with it that night. We end up cuddling, my hand drawing circles on her stomach and back under her shirt but never going anywhere else. We stay intertwined in various ways for a few hours more, talking and whatnot. During this time I make a flirty line across the hem of her jeans once or twice, but never more. She grinds into me a few times, gives me butterfly kisses all over my face, and generally angles for a real kiss a few times, but I deny each time. Finally, late into the night, I say it's late and we should get to sleep. She goes into the other room.

Saturday we hang out more during the day. I believe everything is fine -- we chat as normal, nothing more. I look forward to Saturday night, since I don't intend to drink and she states that she doesn't wish to as well, so I hope that in a few hours we can have some fully consensual fun, maybe, if she'd reached a safe decision about friends with benefits type stuff.

We watch a movie in my bed, fully sober, and at the end she sits up next to me and we talk for a while about it. I wonder why she's not laying back with me, but I chalk up the distance to her still being reluctant to fully indulge what she wants to do with me. But she stays sitting up for quite some time -- eventually I tell her it's okay to lay down so at least we can talk more comfortably, and that I won't interpret that as her wanting more, that I'll give her space.

She eventually does lay back and says there is an invisible line in between us because she is still very confused about what she wants. Great, that's fine, I stay on the other side of the line. We talk for another few hours, mostly near the end about what she's comfortable with doing with me. She's hemming and hawing, and multiple times I tell her it's fine, she can go into the other room and sleep, that there's no need to rush into a decision tonight, that we can always decide to fool around at a later time. She says no, it's okay, she can stay in the bed. I ask if we can at least cuddle -- side note, previously she had stated that the way her brain is that if we start down the path, we won't stop at all, so cuddling = sex. This isn't the case for me at all, I legitimately just want to cuddle and I tell her this. She says okay, the line is gone, we can touch but only like how it was the night before. Great! I move over and we cuddle.

Only kinda. The night before, she was way more into it -- this time, it's mostly me cuddling. Again, I figure she's just nervous about doing friends with benefits type thing and still in her shell, so I stay kinda there and touch her stomach a bit. Eventually she rolls around so her back is exposed and I start touching that. I slide my hand down and, after many light touches, each going slightly further down, I end up fully touching her butt and legs. I think this is good -- the night before, I had tried to touch her butt, and she said to not do it then, so I thought this night there was progress, especially since she was sober. Eventually she rolls over again, and I touch her stomach more. She's not really touching me and I notice her hands are kinda crossed across her chest. I'm immediately like, out loud to her, who, what is happening? Why are your hands like that? Are you okay? I feel extremely pushy right now, is everything alright? She tells me it is and I touch her stomach a minute or two more but she doesn't stop with the crossed arms and I stop, feeling way too pushy. I had originally intended the playful touching to maybe pull her out of her shell more, so she would cuddle a bit, but since that obviously wasn't working, I figured she still was completely on the fence regarding fooling around vs her conservative lifestyle. I suggest she go to bed, she does.

I see her off the next morning. I message her that night asking if she wants to talk about everything that happened, just to make sure we were on the same page. At this point, I still think she's trying to decide between having something casual or staying with her conservative choices. She takes a day to respond (which brings us to today). We have a bit of a talk and basically, by the end of it, I learn something awful.

She apparently thought Friday night (our first night in bed, when she had a lot to drink) was a mistake and by the following morning she had already decided she didn't wanna do stuff. She wanted to talk about it Saturday, but she was waiting for me to bring it up. Which basically means she was not at all interested in doing ANYTHING with me Saturday night. She told me today that she has a very hard time telling guys no when it comes to this stuff, but that doesn't placate me at all -- she was still in a situation she didn't want to be in, and I should have read the signals better. I can't imagine how she must have felt, with my hands roaming across her for that half-hour or so on Saturday night, while she wanted nothing more than to be out of there. I was touching her stomach, groping her butt and legs, while she lay there not truly reciprocating at all, and I just didn't see the real reason. I didn't once think it was disinterest.

I haven't cried in over a year -- tonight is the first night. I keep getting these waves of cool water that feel like they're flowing underneath the skin of my face. I've gotten spells of nausea. I can't believe I did what I did. I don't know what to do now.

Saturday night, after she went to her room, she told me she felt terrible and that she messaged a mutual friend of ours right away and told her what happened. This mutual friend of ours was raped just a month and a half ago. The mutual friend is rightly furious, saying it's sexual assault. I've tried reaching out to her -- why, I don't know, I don't even know what to say -- but that was only 30 minutes ago and she has yet to respond.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I feel so very disgusted and ashamed. I can't believe I am this person, that I've done this to another person and am responsible for this. I think I just needed to write this out, because I don't know where else to put it or who else to talk to. I don't even know what kind of responses to expect, but I will read whatever you write, I promise, and I will appreciate the response no matter what. I just don't know the direction to go from here. I don't know what to do. Thank you.

Posts

  • RainfallRainfall Registered User regular
    Boy, I thought this was going to go a much shittier place when I started reading. Which is not to say that it went to a good place, but still.

    An important takeaway for you here is the importance of enthusiastic consent.
    I had originally intended the playful touching to maybe pull her out of her shell more, so she would cuddle a bit
    Don't do this. If she's not out of her shell and responding enthusiastically, don't go further. If someone isn't confident about the choices they're making, back off, give them space, and let them decide in their own time. Progressing from hanging out, to sitting on your bed, to lying on your bed, to cuddling, to touching, to grabbing her butt sounds reasonable on the surface, but she didn't actually want any of that, as far as you can tell. She was reluctant at best in your story.

    So keep an eye out for reluctance, and when you see it, back off. Don't progress the situation until they're enthusiastic about what's happening.

  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    You should apologize to this girl, and you should not do anything physical with her again. You missed "signals: for certain.


    Also, you should not have to go by "signals". If she's not saying yes, assume she's saying no. If that means neither of you get the physical encounter you wanted, oh well.

    Your friend should have been clear about what she wanted as well, but that's another conversation entirely. You should refuse to read minds or follow signals or interpret clues. Maybe that means disappointing outcomes but shit... if your partner isn't mature enough to let you know what they want clearly, or is otherwise incapable of explaining to you what they want for whatever reason, they aren't a person you should be fooling around with.

  • Grunt's GhostsGrunt's Ghosts Registered User regular
    May I suggest looking for a lawyer, just in case. She could call the cops and it could ruin your life beyond losing a friend. Posting about it here may also be bad news for you. Basically, apologize profusely, but be ready for worst possible outcome...

  • admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    MonsterAlt wrote: »
    Saturday night, after she went to her room, she told me she felt terrible and that she messaged a mutual friend of ours right away and told her what happened. This mutual friend of ours was raped just a month and a half ago. The mutual friend is rightly furious, saying it's sexual assault. I've tried reaching out to her -- why, I don't know, I don't even know what to say -- but that was only 30 minutes ago and she has yet to respond.

    Rainfall and spool32 have covered a lot of great points but I would add that you shouldn't be talking with the mutual friend right now. This girl needs emotional support from her, not a weird triangle of discussion/arguing/anger.

  • WezoinWezoin Registered User regular
    I'm not going to say what you did was a good thing or even an alright thing, but I do want to make a point. You made a mistake by misinterpreting a signal and luckily things didn't go as far as they very well could have. The positive side is you recognized that mistake and are trying to correct it. With some effort and time I'm sure both of your friends will forgive you. You have learned your lesson, there is no point feeling down about it anymore. Apologize to the friend that you crossed boundaries with.

    I don't want to imply that it is her fault that those boundaries were crossed and I recognize that she may have felt a form of pressure to allow what was happening to continue and could have had a legitimate discomfort with saying 'no' or 'stop' but it is important to recognize that what you did and what the person who raped your friend did are completely different things. Your friend was being flirty and had expressed an interest in sexual contact the night before. Granted she was inebriated and even if she was fully sober saying she wants it now doesn't by any means grant you access to her body at a later time. At very least it is fair to say there were some mixed messages.

    Again, I want to make it absolutely clear that I am not saying 'she deserved it' or any of that nonsense, but you are not a rapist. You misinterpreted a signal and once that misinterpretation was clarified you stopped. It may be worth noting that the feeling of being pushy that you felt is a good sign that you should stop the behaviour because it is causing discomfort. Apologize, learn from this mistake and move on with your life.

  • The EnderThe Ender Registered User regular
    Consent is not really possible when you're drunk. One takeaway from this is that it's a bad idea to start getting physical with someone after you've done a bunch of drinking; another, as has already been covered, is that striving for enthusiastic consent is a good idea in general.

    With Love and Courage
  • Kilgore TroutKilgore Trout Registered User regular
    I have to agree with Rainfall that this did not take nearly the turn that I was expecting. Lots of good points made so far and I'm not going to refute or agree with any of them. I just want to comment about your response to what has happened.

    In my (very disconnected from the situation) opinion, you are beating yourself up over this more than you need to. You made a mistake - and a big one at that. But as soon as you noticed that something wasn't right, you immediately stopped, asked what was wrong, and checked to see if you had consent. When you realized that you didn't, you ended the situation, apologized and made sure that someone left the room. Yes, this could definitely be considered sexual assault, but this is a long way away from being as bad as rape. Add to this that after the fact you followed up to apologize, offer to talk to try to make things right, and openly admit that you are at fault.

    For the sake of your own mental health, absolutely recognize that you made a mistake, but also recognize that you had the good judgement to stop before you made things worse, and the good judgement to apologize and try to make things right. You are not a bad person, you are just in a bad situation and although it might be difficult, it will pass.

  • Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion A fixed point in space and timeRegistered User regular
    You need to get a lawyer. You don't need to actually do anything beyond meet with them, but you need to get a lawyer. This kind of thing has the potential to blow up, especially if the person she will be relying on is a rape victim themselves. I'm not saying that what you did isn't wrong. Other people have addressed that thorny dimension already in much better terms than I ever could. I'm just saying that in this case you need to get a lawyer.

    Also, while I agree with the sentiment that you should apologize for a variety of reasons (ethical, social, psychological, etc.), you may need to consider the legal consequences. Keep in mind that if you send her a text doing so, and then she decides to press charges against you, there is a chance that the apology can be used against you, depending upon the jurisdiction, etc. etc. etc. This is a really shitty situation because in an ideal world you should be apologizing, but it would be remiss if someone in this thread didn't mention the possible negatives of doing so.

    IANAL, but you should definitely get one.

  • TubeTube Registered User admin
    You've gotten some good advice. This thread is probably not one that needs to stick around overnight.

This discussion has been closed.