Help With this..a former student (now an Adult) answered a personal ad

24153Guy

I placed a personal ad and one of my former students responded to the ad. I was his after-school teacher when he was in elementary school. He is now 23 years old and an adult. Should I tell him that it is really me, or wait until we meet in person? In my state it is not illegal for us to meet because he is over the age of 18. I just do not know how I should handle this. Should I say forget it or just meet and see how it goes and if he recognizes me, play it by ear, or just forget about it?

Orthanc

Yes, you should tell him about the prior connection, but beyond that proceed as normal. If you don't tell him, it might feel like you're setting him up.

I would suggest you tell him, and meet up anyway. If your former connection is a big deal for him, then take the pressure away and suggest meeting up just to catchup on old times. You're both adults, so if you're both happy then there is no harm going forward.

But if it is a big deal for him, then it's much better he find out early rather than be surprised, And if it's not a big deal then you haven't lost anything by telling him.

MichaelLC

Guessing from your User ID you're a guy, but this would apply to any combination.
I would message them and call it off. It kind of sucks, but seems like one of those things that's best left alone. Too many questions about what your thoughts/plans were while being a teacher, etc.

Magic Pink

Having seen this play out before, don't do it.

Reverend_Chaos

I would counsel not to do it. It's not that you are doing anything wrong, but there is the possibility that it could be misconstrued as an impropriety.

When I was in H.S. one of my English teachers was married to a former student. He was also her coach for Basketball. They did not start dating until she had graduated, but everyone just assumed that he had been fooling around with her before she graduated. Not quite the same situation you are in, but just something to consider.

WordLust

Yeah... something sorta similar happened at my HS. It wasn't full-time faculty but a student teacher. He ended up hooking up with a girl in the class beneath me. They are now married and have kids together and everything, and she was 18+ and graduated before they got together, but it created this weird vibe that maybe he is the kind of teacher that eyeballs his students, you know? Or maybe they had been flirting while she was still a student, and that doesn't make people too comfortable either. I don't know if it really had any impact on his career one way or the other, but I do remember it creating a lot of awkward feeling among both students and staff at the school.

On the other hand, this was a situation where she graduated and then IMMEDIATELY hooked up with him, which makes it seem very likely there was stuff going on already. If it's a situation where this person was a student of yours four or five years ago, it might be a little different.

LostNinja

You haven't gone out with him even once yet, so there are no emotions are attached. Best to just play it safe and let them know before hand and call it off.

Djeet

elementary school ... now 23

So the last time you were in an instructor position w/r/to him was like 10+ years ago?

Tell him you were his 5th grade teacher (or whatever) and proceed. Or just don't go there. But don't not tell him.

Paladin

What is an after school teacher?

Space Pickle

Probably somebody who supervises an "aftercare" program at the school for kids whose parents can't pick them up immediately at the end of the school day.

MrTLicious

Yeah I don't see a problem but you should 100% tell him before any meeting to give him an easy out.

That said, you may personally want to avoid it because you will end up getting lots of weird responses from your friends if this becomes a real entanglement at first. Those will go away eventually but it's something you'll deal with.