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A Pox on Thee, Windows Update

DivideByZeroDivideByZero Social Justice BlackguardRegistered User regular
I think Windows Update just effectively bricked my laptop.

Acer Aspire v17 Nitro, 14 months old, running Windows 8.1. Absolutely zero issues with it until now.

Rebooted this morning and Windows Update started chugging through installing 21 updates. It stalled on number 8 and has been just sitting there, failing to update and boot, for hours. Patch tuesday amirite? I've checked forums and help topics but nothing helpful applies (advice ranges from a bunch of shit to configure while already in windows, to removing the battery, which I can't).

Things I've tried:

-Just letting it run. For like 4+ hours. No dice. Still on update 8 of 21.

-Booting into Safe Mode: can't manage it. Can't get into windows at all to shift-restart or fiddle with startup settings. Can't get in using F8 or Shift-F8 before windows update starts up because of UEFI+SSD loading speed. I can get into the BIOS and disable UEFI but then nothing boots at all, except:

-DLed and burned a Win8 recovery DVD from microsoft. If I disable UEFI I can boot to this disc, but nothing works. Troubleshooter detects nothing, Refresh fails, Restore (wipe) fails because the hard drive is locked, Reinstall fails, I have no system restore images, and some guides mention a Troubleshoot > Advanced Options > Startup Settings menu that does not appear for me.

-I can get a command prompt through the recovery disc but have no idea how that helps.

I need a way to bypass this damnable automatic update process and get windows to Just Boot Already. Anybody have any ideas before I have to go all Ron Swanson on this thing?

First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKERS

Posts

  • DivideByZeroDivideByZero Social Justice Blackguard Registered User regular
    OK apparently the answer was "Let it run for six and a half hours while furiously googling everything" and it's now un-fucked itself.

    That was an aggravating afternoon.

    Adding "Wait around for an ungodly amount of time and see if it fixes itself" to my list of troubleshooting steps in the future.

    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKERS
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    Bump up to windows 10 and you can avoid these things by being on the supported OS moving forward at the downside of some privacy loss via metadata.

  • Mr KhanMr Khan Not Everyone WAHHHRegistered User regular
    Yeah, those 22 updates were nasty whatever they were. Took my computer 40 minutes to power down yesterday (Windows 7, intel corei3, 2012).

  • CaedwyrCaedwyr Registered User regular
    According to some recent articles such as this one, the slow updates could be related to the download of Windows 10 since it is now listed as a recommended update:

    http://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/windows-10-upgrade-1.3430469

  • TofystedethTofystedeth Registered User regular
    Enc wrote: »
    Bump up to windows 10 and you can avoid these things by being on the supported OS moving forward at the downside of some privacy loss via metadata.

    Not really going to affect bad updates, especially with Windows 10s update policy and tendency to do things like install an update that throws a suspicious vague message on your screen for several minutes with no progress bar or anything.

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  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    yeah unfortunately the best approach now is just to turn off automatic updates, check every fewdays for any priority stuff and download it manually (especially if you're not inclined to move up to win 10 at the moment)

    hold your head high soldier, it ain't over yet
    that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
  • ShadowfireShadowfire Vermont, in the middle of nowhereRegistered User regular
    Caedwyr wrote: »
    According to some recent articles such as this one, the slow updates could be related to the download of Windows 10 since it is now listed as a recommended update:

    http://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/windows-10-upgrade-1.3430469

    That shouldn't cause this problem. It will download the 3.2 (I think) GB it needs, but hold the data on the drive until you install it. And it's all background downloading, so that shouldn't slow down the updates.

  • DivideByZeroDivideByZero Social Justice Blackguard Registered User regular
    yeah unfortunately the best approach now is just to turn off automatic updates, check every fewdays for any priority stuff and download it manually (especially if you're not inclined to move up to win 10 at the moment)

    Yeah this is what I ended up doing. Really highlights how vulnerable your rig can be when your OS can trap itself in a state where it won't accept any input other than screamed obscenities.

    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKERS
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