The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
I'm a wreck.
HorizonShift
Seattle, WARegistered User regular
Seattle, WARegistered User regular
I'm a twenty-something veteran going to school and I've been barely functioning for as long as I can remember. So, life story. I was apathetic in school and got poor grades, but I did very well in art and english. My dad frequently called me a retard or a queer and generally treated me like shit until my parents got divorced. Needless to say, I had a shitty self-esteem. Art was the only thing I was any good at, so I naively made the decision to go to art school then promptly dropped out once the reality of the cost became apparent. I joined the Navy, and my performance was basically the same. I just felt listless and shitty all the time. I didn't take care of myself, I had no social life, I made impulsive purchases, and I did the bare minimum at work. I never got into any serious trouble, but I won't pretend that I was valuable to anyone. I was easily distracted and I spent most of my time daydreaming; at 25 I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on stimulants.
The medication kind of helped, but it didn't really stop the daydreaming and by the evening I'd always feel strung out. The VA won't cover my treatment because it wasn't caused by the service so I don't really have access to any mental health care. Now I'm going to school full-time while living with my boyfriend. I should feel good, but I don't. I'm still daydreaming all the time and I'm completely apathetic about school. I'm getting decent grades, but I can feel myself slipping. I play video games for maybe an hour at a time before I realize that I'm not actually having fun. I rarely draw or paint anymore. I start up hobbies and quickly abandon them. I walk to school every day and see homeless people and meth heads on almost every block. I watch the news and see audiences cheer every time a politician suggests fucking over poor people. I log onto Facebook and watch my entire extended family post some of the most vile and hateful shit 24/7. I've always been a scatterbrained mess, but now the world is seriously starting to bum me the fuck out. Well, more than usual.
I dunno, I just feel like the whole world is shit and that I daydream to escape it. My life isn't that bad, it's actually pretty good now, but it's hard not to feel sad all the time when it seems like everyone is so genuinely fucking awful. I know I need to talk to someone, but I don't even know what my healthcare options are because my command basically just shoved me out.
I'm tired of being a distractible apathetic mess.
The medication kind of helped, but it didn't really stop the daydreaming and by the evening I'd always feel strung out. The VA won't cover my treatment because it wasn't caused by the service so I don't really have access to any mental health care. Now I'm going to school full-time while living with my boyfriend. I should feel good, but I don't. I'm still daydreaming all the time and I'm completely apathetic about school. I'm getting decent grades, but I can feel myself slipping. I play video games for maybe an hour at a time before I realize that I'm not actually having fun. I rarely draw or paint anymore. I start up hobbies and quickly abandon them. I walk to school every day and see homeless people and meth heads on almost every block. I watch the news and see audiences cheer every time a politician suggests fucking over poor people. I log onto Facebook and watch my entire extended family post some of the most vile and hateful shit 24/7. I've always been a scatterbrained mess, but now the world is seriously starting to bum me the fuck out. Well, more than usual.
I dunno, I just feel like the whole world is shit and that I daydream to escape it. My life isn't that bad, it's actually pretty good now, but it's hard not to feel sad all the time when it seems like everyone is so genuinely fucking awful. I know I need to talk to someone, but I don't even know what my healthcare options are because my command basically just shoved me out.
I'm tired of being a distractible apathetic mess.
HorizonShift on
0
Posts
I suggest all of this because it sounds a lot like depression. A lot of the classic red flags are there. Note I am NOT diagnosing nor would I try in this venue. Personal not professional opinion disclaimer yada yada. That said both talk therapy and medication can offer tremendous relief if that is the case. Thats your best first move.
I would also recommend actively blocking your shit head family on FB. Fuck those guys and their terrible opinions. Cultivate a feed free of that just cause who needs it.
You've had a bad start but you can still recover. The world is unfair, but as a good person, it's up to you to be, and live, the change you wish to see in your life and this world.
You've got great talent as an artist. It's up to you to nurture it and find a way to make a living from it, with as much help as you can find along the way.
Best of intentions I understand but the short of it is depression warps stuff to negative easily. I think calls for more boot straps will just push him further down that road.
question re: daydreaming-- is it the like, "anywhere-but-here" kind of thing or is it tied to art projects, etc?
Uncanny Magazine!
The Mad Writers Union
You really need to get as much help from Behavioral/Mental health as you can, if VA is refusing to help, see if there are any state help you can get. Also if VA is actually flat out refusing to help ( I get them not wanting to pay for your ADHD stuff as that was prior to entry) but your general mental health and well being shouldn't be an issue with them. Let me know, I know some VA advocates or some people in general that you can contact and force VA's hand.
Good luck to you and reach out to any of us from the Military thread!
― John Quincy Adams
Some of my list may not apply as you didn't mention physical health, but a lot of the time how your body feels can effect how your mind feels.
Make little changes and try to stick with them and then build on that foundation. For depression I find trying to keep a regular sleep cycle and keep lots of natural light, or just ANY light will help at home. I agree with the "unfollow" the facebook extended family. Try not to eat crap and drink lots of soda. Get some fresh food, drink lots of water. Try to work on your body before make huge changes on the external things Get some help from a professional at school. They usually offer something for students. If not, look for a support group, it's a great place to get feelings off your chest and also to maybe meet some people. Be social, but be social where it fits for you. If you're not into drunk parties and being a bro then don't do that scene. It helps to be social, we are social beings. Normally people say to exercise in lists like this. It's not for me so I don't recommend it, it might be for you.
Finding other vets to talk to is also a good idea. Shared experiences and all. Maybe try joining in on the creative areas here. Talking to other artists might fan the flames, so to speak.
????
Anyway, Lexapro, also called escitalopram, marginally increases cardiac risk in people who are already likely to have heart problems or are taking other medications that cause QTc prolongation. It's usually not an issue, and is nothing that can't be monitored and managed. That's all an aside, though. A psychiatrist would know whether it would be appropriate, not us, and best not to do amateur pharmacology.
Doc: That's right, twenty five years into the future. I've always dreamed on seeing the future, looking beyond my years, seeing the progress of mankind. I'll also be able to see who wins the next twenty-five world series.
Your situation really does remind me of how I feel off medication (most of my life from 12 to 26). I'm diagnosed with ADHD and major depression now, on Vyvanse and sertraline (Zoloft) for them (and a bit of anxiety, which they both help with as well).
It's important to realize that you have two major things to struggle with here, even if we ignore how fucked up life itself has been for you:
One, ADHD isn't just an attention problem. All our recent research indicates it's an executive function problem--there'd probably be have been a push to change the name in the new DSM if ADHD weren't named specifically in legislation. Anyway, that means that more than 'attention' it actually effects:
Hindsight and foresight (Meaning you'll fuck around because you can't properly link doing right now to past and future failures)
Working memory (which is why you forget to get back on task when you do get distracted)
Impulse control (Short tempers, blurting dumb shit out, going to see what that noise was instead of staying on task)
Motivation (because normal people control their emotions in a way you'll struggle to)
Fortunately, it also responds very well to medication, and extremely well to medication and therapy for adults. If one medicine isn't cutting it, try another. If you're crashing, make sure you're trying something with weaker crashes and a longer tail like Vyvanse, or get small booster pills for the evening.
If you have depression also, you get another set of things to overcome:
Not taking pleasure from things you should
Motivation (yup, again)
Lack of energy
Listlessness
Bleak impressions of the future/that "what's the use" feeling
This also needs to be treated with medication and therapy, if you have it.
Either way, I know it's really, really, really hard to actually take this information and turn it into actions with those problems. It's absolutely crucial that you do so, however. If you have anyone near you that you can trust to help with getting you to push forward and keep trying doctors/medications/therapists until everything clicks, make sure they know exactly what's up and what's on the agenda. It helps immensely.