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Should I end this relationship?
AltEnding
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I'm a gay man close to 50 dating another gay man a little over 50.
We met several years ago on a hook up site I was stupidly using to try and find a long term relationship and we hit it off like gangbusters. Two weeks in, I get an email from him admitting he's already in a toxic relationship with someone else that's lasted for over 15 years and that he had just ended it and was incredibly sorry about lying. I wrote him off then and there but he was "acceptably insistent" so I gave him another chance; assuming he was telling the truth about this other relationship.
Forward several months. At a dinner in another town and after a few drinks he admits that this wasn't just a relationship, he was actually married to this other man. Had we not been where we were, I would have walked out then but stupidly I didn't. They had only married 2 months before he met me and had only done it get his partner insurance benefits. He'd been cheating on his boyfriend-now-husband for several years after their relationship soured but neither could leave the other for income reasons and the husband knew he was cheating but they had never talked about it openly; it was just a weapon they would use against one another when they would get into their frequent screaming fights which continue to this day.
Now we're at 3 years dating. I've met the husband several times, he's well aware of us and admits that their relationship is over. Except they're still married and living in the same house; my boyfriend has converted the basement into a separate apartment. Partly for the insurance, partly for guilt, partly for a raging martyr syndrome but there it is. I've never said anything about their relationship or made any demands about it's status; I always felt any decisions they come to on it they have to come to on their own but it doesn't change the fact I am deeply shameful of involving myself in a marriage like this and for as long as I have; I have a lot of respect for the state of marriage and this feels deeply insulting to his husband and family that I continue to date him. He initially said they would divorce after a year, they wanted to wait so they weren't the first gay couple to get one as they got married soon after it was legalized in my state.
Now, lately, we've been getting into tiny spats. There was a long period where our sex life was awful due to a spine injury I had; he's a very sexual person and I'm not even normally. It didn't bother me but it did bother him. I told him I was fine with him having sex with any random hook up as long as he was safe about it and didn't do it behind my back. But a few weeks ago he admitted he'd been cruising some hook up sites just to flirt and chat mainly because he's getting older and it helps to make him still feel attractive, which I understand, but I can't get over that he did it without asking me. He said he didn't want to tell me he was doing it because he knew it would upset me. If he knew it would upset me then why do it at all?
Well, it does. I'm worried this is just going to end up being a repeat of the behavior pattern he had with his ex when that wasn't measuring up anymore and it just throws the fact I'm not happy dating someone married into light again. I've asked two friends what they thought and both were instantly horrified at what he'd done and amazed I had to ask what I should do. But he is an incredibly sweet man and I do understand the appeal to it. I just can't feel it'll end there and I have to say I simply don't trust him anymore. But, then, I have trust issues up the wazoo so I could be overreacting.
What do I do?
We met several years ago on a hook up site I was stupidly using to try and find a long term relationship and we hit it off like gangbusters. Two weeks in, I get an email from him admitting he's already in a toxic relationship with someone else that's lasted for over 15 years and that he had just ended it and was incredibly sorry about lying. I wrote him off then and there but he was "acceptably insistent" so I gave him another chance; assuming he was telling the truth about this other relationship.
Forward several months. At a dinner in another town and after a few drinks he admits that this wasn't just a relationship, he was actually married to this other man. Had we not been where we were, I would have walked out then but stupidly I didn't. They had only married 2 months before he met me and had only done it get his partner insurance benefits. He'd been cheating on his boyfriend-now-husband for several years after their relationship soured but neither could leave the other for income reasons and the husband knew he was cheating but they had never talked about it openly; it was just a weapon they would use against one another when they would get into their frequent screaming fights which continue to this day.
Now we're at 3 years dating. I've met the husband several times, he's well aware of us and admits that their relationship is over. Except they're still married and living in the same house; my boyfriend has converted the basement into a separate apartment. Partly for the insurance, partly for guilt, partly for a raging martyr syndrome but there it is. I've never said anything about their relationship or made any demands about it's status; I always felt any decisions they come to on it they have to come to on their own but it doesn't change the fact I am deeply shameful of involving myself in a marriage like this and for as long as I have; I have a lot of respect for the state of marriage and this feels deeply insulting to his husband and family that I continue to date him. He initially said they would divorce after a year, they wanted to wait so they weren't the first gay couple to get one as they got married soon after it was legalized in my state.
Now, lately, we've been getting into tiny spats. There was a long period where our sex life was awful due to a spine injury I had; he's a very sexual person and I'm not even normally. It didn't bother me but it did bother him. I told him I was fine with him having sex with any random hook up as long as he was safe about it and didn't do it behind my back. But a few weeks ago he admitted he'd been cruising some hook up sites just to flirt and chat mainly because he's getting older and it helps to make him still feel attractive, which I understand, but I can't get over that he did it without asking me. He said he didn't want to tell me he was doing it because he knew it would upset me. If he knew it would upset me then why do it at all?
Well, it does. I'm worried this is just going to end up being a repeat of the behavior pattern he had with his ex when that wasn't measuring up anymore and it just throws the fact I'm not happy dating someone married into light again. I've asked two friends what they thought and both were instantly horrified at what he'd done and amazed I had to ask what I should do. But he is an incredibly sweet man and I do understand the appeal to it. I just can't feel it'll end there and I have to say I simply don't trust him anymore. But, then, I have trust issues up the wazoo so I could be overreacting.
What do I do?
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He may be nice to you now but his overall behavior has been awful.
He kept it secret that he was married.
RUN
Now you are in a relationship (he's still married to the other guy), and now he's cruising a dating site.
It's pretty clear to me where this will probably be going.
He may not break it off with you, but I wouldn't put much stock in him not starting something with another guy on the side. Or the side of the side as it were.
Unless you're ok with this rather convoluted, and looking to get even more so, relationship... I'd suggest taking a walk out of it and finding someone more in tune with what you're looking for.
But it does cause me worry and doubt but then everything does; I have a lot of anxiety issues. I don't want to part ways but I can't deny that large parts of this just don't sit well with me and never did. If I breakup with him; it's total. He's out of my life for good. I'm just not capable of continuing a relationship in any way with someone I've dated, the memories are just too painful.
The second part of that first paragraph reads more that you're resigned to being alone if this fails, and are more scared of that outcome than anything else.
I could just be reading into that too much however.
But either way, I think you need to think about accepting the fact that he isn't going to change, because if you were going to be able to do so you would have by now. If you can't be cool with it, you should get out. If you are comfortable and happy with him the way things are, don't worry about what other people expect. If you're with a sweet man who makes you happy, be with the sweet man who makes you happy. If he stops making you happy down the road, you can always break up if that happens.
You don't have to stay anywhere forever.
You aren't even 50 yet. There's plenty of guys out there for you. I wonder if you are dealing with any depression issues?
If there are family medical issues, make sure you are talking to doctors who deal with these sort of issues to monitor any signs of you developing them. Many cancers are possible to cure if you catch them early and heart disease and high blood pressure can be managed extremely well. Just resigning yourself to early death is unnecessary with the amazing advances in medicine in the last few years.
If you don't mind being that, then don't stress and enjoy. If you want a more stable relationship, he's probably not for you.