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I think my depression issues are getting worse
EmperorSeth
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This hasn't been an easy email to write, as demonstrate by the approximately 47 times I cut away to a new tab before I started it. So a few years ago, my job situation improved enough that I could start seeing a therapist again. I was doing better, but I had issues I needed to fix: anxiety, general frustration with my (lack of a) social life, that sort of thing.
Fast forward to a year or so ago, and I'm starting to see much bigger problems with my life. Nothing life-threatening. I promise, if I ever got that bad, I would get help from an actual doctor rather than an internet forum. The problem is more all the nothing I've steadily been doing. See, about the time I got the new job, I was also much more positive about my life and goals. I started writing, with the ultimate goal of getting published and making a career out of it. But now, almost six years later, I've seen almost no promise there. More importantly, I'm doing increasingly little about it. I'm not writing regularly, I'm barely able to get a blog post out or revise a few pages.
To make matters worse, I've made a push to get some work done. I was at a writer's workshop in May and met a few agents. One of them wanted my first three chapters, so I decided to polish them up before sending them in. I've since done about six pages. And as I got increasingly desperate to get anything done, I've been sacrificing more and more of my regular activities to ostensibly have more writing time: video games, reading, TV, chores. It hasn't helped. My sleep schedule has been destroyed, with random naps on weekends or after work happening all the time, and almost any time I sit down at the computer to do something productive, I watch hours disappear to Internet videos or some stupid browser game.
There are possibly both external and biological reasons for all this. My bad periods tend to coincide with work getting worse for an extended period of time: covering co-workers while they're out for extended periods of time, leading to more stress, lots of overtime, and the perpetual fear of missing a single email and completely screwing up an order. That's not just paranoia; it has happened before. Also, I've added an anti-anxiety pill to my treatment a few years ago. It started at 2 50 mg Sertraline (a Zoloft generic) pills a day, and a few months ago, it got upped to 2 100 mg pills.
I'll be honest, I'm not sure entirely what help I'm looking for. I'm just realizing that something has to change, and I'm not going to get out of this with cognitive reassessments and assurances that I'll definitely get on track the next weekend or day off that I get.
Fast forward to a year or so ago, and I'm starting to see much bigger problems with my life. Nothing life-threatening. I promise, if I ever got that bad, I would get help from an actual doctor rather than an internet forum. The problem is more all the nothing I've steadily been doing. See, about the time I got the new job, I was also much more positive about my life and goals. I started writing, with the ultimate goal of getting published and making a career out of it. But now, almost six years later, I've seen almost no promise there. More importantly, I'm doing increasingly little about it. I'm not writing regularly, I'm barely able to get a blog post out or revise a few pages.
To make matters worse, I've made a push to get some work done. I was at a writer's workshop in May and met a few agents. One of them wanted my first three chapters, so I decided to polish them up before sending them in. I've since done about six pages. And as I got increasingly desperate to get anything done, I've been sacrificing more and more of my regular activities to ostensibly have more writing time: video games, reading, TV, chores. It hasn't helped. My sleep schedule has been destroyed, with random naps on weekends or after work happening all the time, and almost any time I sit down at the computer to do something productive, I watch hours disappear to Internet videos or some stupid browser game.
There are possibly both external and biological reasons for all this. My bad periods tend to coincide with work getting worse for an extended period of time: covering co-workers while they're out for extended periods of time, leading to more stress, lots of overtime, and the perpetual fear of missing a single email and completely screwing up an order. That's not just paranoia; it has happened before. Also, I've added an anti-anxiety pill to my treatment a few years ago. It started at 2 50 mg Sertraline (a Zoloft generic) pills a day, and a few months ago, it got upped to 2 100 mg pills.
I'll be honest, I'm not sure entirely what help I'm looking for. I'm just realizing that something has to change, and I'm not going to get out of this with cognitive reassessments and assurances that I'll definitely get on track the next weekend or day off that I get.
You know what? Nanowrimo's cancelled on account of the world is stupid.
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I'll give some advice that helps me with my anxiety, but really, talking to a therapist is the safest route.
There are some simple things that can be done to help with productivity. If you are loosing your time to internet, begin your writing somewhere without the internet. This is one of the large reasons I don't always paint digitally. Cut down things like facebook by culling the time wasters but not the useful functions. Unfollow websites, any stupid article that a friend posts has that option. Unfollow friends who only post that kind of stuff. I use facebook as a fancy rolodex, and have unfollowed all but ten people. I now cull all my social media relatively similarly.
Spend some time writing out a game plan. Make a todo list of some of your overall goals, but try not to set specific times, just get them in front of you. stuff like cleaning your desk and reading a book should all go on that list. Take those points and break them down into smaller points. Then, make a list of extremely short term goals and practice doing them.
For instance, if on my big, deadline free list I have "Do Laundry" I'll then separate that into the daily tasks required, "Monday - Get Quarters". Lists for the day/week are literally the things I need to, not concepts of the things I want to accomplish. Developing this list system is my fall back. I don't do it 100% of the time, but whenever I waver, I make a big list, then a small list, and I get myself back on track.
Get a big paper desk calendar and put it on your fridge, make it so time over a month is not an abstract concept, but visual and in front of you often. Hold yourself accountable for doing work and relaxing. Otherwise everything on the list looks bad and you process it as an overload.
For me, I'm an artist/animator. It's also a lonely pursuit and for me it's REALLY hard to get anything done. I get really bummed out that everything I make feels like a failure. Staring at an empty page makes me want to run away and do anything but draw. I haven't been able to really finish a large project in years. But I'm making progress. Really really slow progress, but progress none the less.
I think something that makes me feel a lot better about myself is not having any zero days. That means, that every day I do something, even if it's just a 30 second scribble. As long as I put just a tiny bit of effort toward my goal every day, I know that I'm moving forward.
Perhaps you could try something similar. No zero days. Do one thing for yourself every day. Doesn't matter how tiny the effort, just make it. One sentence. One scribble. It'll help keep you facing in a positive direction.
I've shared some examples of things that tend to make me stressed/nervous, and have gotten mixed opinions on whether they qualify as signs of anxiety or just common problems most people face:
1. Like you, I've had aspirations of creative writing, but I rarely ever put my thoughts down on paper (or virtual paper, i.e. MS Word): the few times I draft something out, I either abandon it or take a look at it and think "This is garbage, what was I thinking". But I still constantly daydream story concepts that I think would be cool, so I feel like the desire is there but doubt/laziness holds me back.
2. My number one stress in life is figuring out what I want to do career-wise: I recently got a state job that pays a decent salary (32K) and is as stress-free a job as you could possibly imagine; I spend more time browsing the Internet (and writing this post) than I do actual work. It's cushy as all hell.
But I'm not satisfied, and I'm not happy. I'm already stressing because I want to make more money, I want to be able to afford things like a car and my own place to live in. The problem is I have no idea what I want to do with my life, so I'll look into different career paths (such as IT security), but can never reach a decision. I would give anything to create a career roadmap and stick with it all the way through, but again, I'm plagued by what-ifs and doubts.
3. I've spent almost ten years hanging out with the same friends, but it can still be a struggle sometimes to go out and see them. Sometimes I'll be parked in my car, take a few deep breaths, try to visualize scenarios in my head (do's and don'ts)...I also get hung up on things like making sure we get the best seats in a movie theater, make sure we're eating somewhere where I won't suffer from indigestion, uptight shit like that.
4. I've started seeing someone, and we've been getting along well, even gotten intimate. But I constantly worry that maybe things are moving too fast, that maybe I'm not looking for something iron-clad and would rather date multiple people to figure out what I want out of a romantic partner. She is literally the first person to ever message me on OK Cupid that interested me, and she's been very passionate and interested in me. Yet I feel like she's moved a good three steps ahead of me as far as shared interest, while I'm still crippled by shyness and taking too long to open up.
These could all be mundane quirks, but I feel like at my current point in life I spend more time anxious/nervous than relaxed. Even when I'm doing the things that relax me the most (videogames, movies, YouTube), these thoughts creep into my head periodically. Unlike you I haven't seen a therapist, but I am considering it. I'd rather not take any meds, at least any that would cause side effects, but I probably have to try something at this point.
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Yeah, you have straight-up anxiety issues, because almost everything you typed here is like a mirror version of me. Xanax helps a ton, but I only take it at night so I can calm down and actually go to sleep. I've been considering therapy as well, because this shit is making my life not so great... I'm basically a shut-in hermit now.
But anyway, yeah, it sounds like you have anxiety. I'm not qualified to officially diagnose you with that or anything, but I have been diagnosed with that, and your post reads like something I would've written. Don't wanna hijack this thread, either, just wanted to let you know that it probably isn't mundane quirks.
My friend, who was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, went to therapy and took prescription pills. According to him, his situation was much worse than mine, losing days of sleep, sweating and so on. Nowadays he tells me that he prefers controlling his anxiety on his own, though he does think about going back to therapy from time to time.
My sister, who also saw a therapist to help with her issues, believes it's a load of hooey and that vitamins, exercise and so on is the key. She's the natural type, and it's worked out for her, but that might not work for me.
I don't know. Pride holds me back, thinking dumb things like "Don't be a baby, just tough it out" or "You'll just end up worse and dependent on drugs/repeated visits". I'm skeptical, but I feel I should at least give it a try, because these thoughts have plagued me for years and I see myself only improving marginally when I would prefer speeding things up.
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After being diagnosed with ADHD and general anxiety, I could stop feeling like shit, like I was a terrible person who failed his whole life because I was so deeply flawed in character and ethics.
Now I still have issues to work and deal with, but it's not about me being shitty anymore. It's about dealing with stuff that's a part of me, but not my fault. It's not an excuse for screwing up, a "get out of jail free" card, an exemption from responsibilities.
Also, the meds are an amazing help. I'm on Lexapro, I'm still regularly emotional and rational and in control of myself (no zombification here), I'm not addicted or dependent, there are no real side effects to worry about.
The actual point here:
Don't fear meds without seeing a therapist, don't let those asshole voices tell you to "tough it out", and other people's experiences and feelings about their own issues are not yours.
At least try therapy, talk about all this with them, and find your own path.
This is for both of you, too.
Honestly, I'm still not certain whether my problems qualify to see a therapist, or are just "quirks" that everyone has. I'm sure most people have a basic level of OCD that when they see something like a loose string dangling off someone's clothes, they're fixated on it to a distracting degree.
But then I think about things that might qualify as overboard even under that context; for instance, I can't stand portable fans. When I hear the motor going off, I get annoyed to the point that I want to immediately turn it off, if not smash it to the ground. I start imagining that I'm inside a sweltering warehouse, and I simply can't relax when I hear one of these fucking fans.
Again, on its own it's probably just a selective quirk, no problem there. But when combined with the rest of the things that keep me up at night, like the worries about whether I'll find an ideal career, girlfriend, what happens after death, etc, it could all be a correlation of something deep inside me that needs to be tackled.
In the end I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try a session or two.
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It is worth it. Everyone can benefit from a bit of therapy every now and then.
Also remember that your Sister and friend actually got therapy. They might not feel it did anything, but I bet it helped them a long on the road they are on now, even if they feel they did it themselves.
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Island. Being on fire.
I've struggled with anxiety and depression for about 15 years (I didn't know it had been that long until therapy gave me a name for things I just thought were "wrong" with me but accepted them).
Therapy is the single best decision I have ever made for myself, and I only sought it out about two years ago. I wandered aimlessly in college, grad school, and still don't have a job I love, but I'm definitely on a better road to happiness than I was before.
If health insurance is blocking you, or if you're scared to see someone in person, please look into betterhelp.com (not a paid promotion, just recommending it because it helped me get over my fear of people/places/things/that initial shock of being so vulnerable to a complete stranger without having to look them in the face). It is a great website that matches you with a therapist, and they do have a system for working with people who need financial assistance; you can basically email someone as long of a note or as short of a note as you want, and they'll give you their thoughts and ways to work through it/different methods of thinking about it for as long as you need.
My two cents? Re-evaluate your meds with your doctor every few months. Review your options and tell your doc that your sleep patterns are off/productivity is down/focus is off. Your meds CAN and WILL affect you, and if it's not helping you, then they probably need to be switched. See a therapist in person, consistently. Research who/what your insurance covers (most have an online database now), and read about someone who seems to align with you and your needs. I promise you that a few hours of research can and will change your life.
The help is there. Hell, I'm always online if someone just wants to PM me and talk. You're not alone, and there is hope. Clichés be damned!
Interesting. Is the online therapist entirely through e-mail, or are there real-time chat options available too (perhaps video chat even)? Since I have a full-time job with a crappy commute, it would be hard to see a therapist on the weekdays, and so far I haven't found any available on the weekend. Do they also offer prescriptions, if deemed necessary?
I'm still constantly wondering if my problems are warranted enough to see a therapist, or if I'm overthinking things (as I am often accused of doing, and am well aware is a habit) and these are just "normal" thoughts and fears. Still, I feel like lately I've been sadder than I've been happy, with wild mood swings affecting me even when I'm in the middle of enjoying myself (like in the middle of playing a videogame or watching a movie).
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