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New Home and How to Handle My Mother's Smoking
witch_ie
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
We are buying our first home (yay!) and moving to the same state as my mother (yay!) - she will be just over an hour away. The challenge is that my husband and I don't want our home to smell like cigarette smoke and don't want smoking anywhere on the property. My mother has been smoking for 40 plus years and has no desire to stop, even though she has received a lot of encouragement to do so over the years (even having kids with pretty severe asthma - me included). She typically smokes outside, but because she smokes so much, she smells like and carries a lot of smoke around her (it's become more intense over the years than the aura that surrounds other smokers - think Pig Pen). When she stayed with us recently, our house smelled like smoke for 3 days after she left. Our new place is a bit into the woods and there are no sidewalks to walk along, so she can't really even go for a walk while she smokes, not to mention having her blow her smoke on our neighbors' property isnt ideal. My husband, who worked on lung cancer drugs for years, is pretty adamant that even going down to the road and smoking at the edge of the property isn't acceptable. We are okay with her smoking e-cigarettes outside. She has one and says it isn't good enough and doesn't hit the spot. What can we do to make her - and not her smoking welcome? Does anyone have any suggestions for e-cigarettes that might "hit the spot" better?
witch_ie on
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I generally make any smokers that stay at my house go outside.
While this is true, it is also your property and your rules. If you want to tell your mom "don't smoke at my place unless you vape, and then only outside" you can certainly do so and it is not unreasonable.
This.
If I understood it right, her smoking outside and then your house smelling like cigarettes for 3 days after she left, you and your husband must have extremely sensitive olfactory receptors.
You are right, you cannot get someone to quit smoking unless they want to. My mother was a smoker for 35 years and quit 2 years ago because she wanted to. She got outside help though, just one session of bioresonance therapy did the trick.
Eh. At a certain point you are saying "You must endure physical and psychological pain if you want to visit us" and engaging in the ultimatum game. Combined with the travel time she would likely be spending more time traveling than visiting with your average smokers addiction if she must literally leave to avoid withdrawal symptoms.
I'm not saying this is wrong, bad or whatever. I'm saying be realistic about the effect of the restrictions you're imposing. You don't get to do this and then complain she never visits. You're choosing a completely smoke free home over your mother visiting. She is also choosing to not break an addiction over being able to visit your home. This absolutely cuts both ways and is the out come of any relationship that devolves into ultimatums.
You cannot force someone to stop smoking, and trying will not end well, depending on the person.
Worrying about smoke entering a neighbours property is a bit silly. It's also a discussion that won't end well, depending on the person.
Heavy smokers of stuff like newports will absolutely make your house stink of cigarette smoke for a day or so. Also, I know this from experience, but don't let her wash her clothes in your washer either, for some reason that sticks around and gets on your clothes for a few days too.
Yes, it's the worst.
Ah, now we know why
Good luck!
I agree with the "don't complain if she doesn't visit" piece but the bolded part feels an awful lot like emotional blackmail to justify a disgusting habit. She doesn't have a right to smoke or the moral highground to demand it simply because she made the poor decisions to use tobacco products over her life. Yes there are a range of reasons people smoke and, once started, it is incredibly difficult to quit. But people can control it and do so.
My stepfather and sister are both chain smokers and both have resolved to never smoke in places where my sister's son can see them or smell them. My sister only smokes when out on the job and stepfather only smokes at specific times in specific places each day because of this. It is an adjustment, but one the smoker should make not everyone else around them.
It's also important to highlight that visiting your children doesn't give you the right to impose your will on them. If they tell you not to smoke, you don't smoke. If this causes you physical or psychological pain, perhaps don't visit them.
Agreed. I smoke and it is on me to not make it a burden on everyone else
The mother here can adhere to the OP's rules.
I would recommend setting up a chair and a butt can somewhere out of the way for her, if so inclined.
We never came up with any good solutions other than febreze.
Do remember that the sentence is talking about the OP where she expressed concern about her mother smoking anywhere on their property or while walking down her street. I find it a tough argument to make that the mother is being the controlling one there.
With the later details there certainly seems like there is room for compromise on both sides here. (Unfiltered hand rolls with pipe tobacco? UGH.) My point wasn't to argue for one side or the other in excluding someone for their habits but rather to be aware that is what they're doing. We all choose our lines.
Regardless, best of luck and I hope you figure out someway to work this out.
Just she can only wear it when outside smoking, and it hangs up outside before coming in. It could help at least be a shield to absorbing the smoke that attaches to her upon re-entering the house.
I wish you had mentioned this in the OP. It would be ideal if she did not smoke at all when she visits but as that's most likely not going to happen, she should stick to the vape at least when she is on your property. She can go back to rolling tobacco at her own house.
And suddenly I understood why the smoking jacket was invented.
Seconding this suggestion!
He's since switched to a vaporizer and likes it. Buys different fluids and has a fairly small 'rig', not much bigger than an ecig.