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Medical issues with elderly parents.. How to properly help?
Athenor
Battle Hardened OptimistThe Skies of HiigaraRegistered User regular
Battle Hardened OptimistThe Skies of HiigaraRegistered User regular
A sense a feud is starting in my family...
My dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons a few months ago. He turned 70, and has been stumbling, quiet, and having a very hard time with things.
My Aunt is getting more and more fearful that my mother is ignoring or denying the issue.. and that she may have a pattern with this.
Long story short, dad isn't currently going to any support groups for his parkinsons. He's on medication, which is helping immensely (at least for those of us who don't see him every day, mom says she can't tell), but he really needs to get into an exercise program, and a couple other quality of life things. The house also isn't well suited for him, but I don't know if they can move again... or want to. But something has to be done, as he fell again this week and had to call my brother (who lives with them in the basement but didn't hear dad fall) to help him up.
My biggest fear is that mom is in denial and is trying to cope by throwing herself at work. She is a coach, and has two exceptional, possibly Olympic-bound students. She says she's only going to coach for 2 more years (putting her just under 70) and then retire.. But.. she seems to be putting her students ahead of dad. She went for a 3 week training course this summer with them, and the next local support group meeting, mom apparently can't attend because she is coaching at that time.
Every time anyone tries to talk to mom, she gets very defensive, as if we're attacking her. I really don't know where this comes from, and I've asked her to talk to professionals about it, but it never sticks...
Anyways. We're taking a long car ride tomorrow, up and down, in order to visit some relatives. It's going to be the 4 of us (minus my youngest brother, in the military), alone - as my aunt is going to drive separately to "give us time to talk."
I really don't know what to do here. I'm not in a good position to be a caretaker (or pay for one), but it is feeling more and more like that's what dad needs.. but mom refuses to acknowledge the severity of his disease. I love my parents, more than anyone else, and many of my fears are based around losing them.. and I can feel that process starting. I don't want the family to erupt into hatred over this...
How do I unpack all this? What can I do to help?
My dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons a few months ago. He turned 70, and has been stumbling, quiet, and having a very hard time with things.
My Aunt is getting more and more fearful that my mother is ignoring or denying the issue.. and that she may have a pattern with this.
Long story short, dad isn't currently going to any support groups for his parkinsons. He's on medication, which is helping immensely (at least for those of us who don't see him every day, mom says she can't tell), but he really needs to get into an exercise program, and a couple other quality of life things. The house also isn't well suited for him, but I don't know if they can move again... or want to. But something has to be done, as he fell again this week and had to call my brother (who lives with them in the basement but didn't hear dad fall) to help him up.
My biggest fear is that mom is in denial and is trying to cope by throwing herself at work. She is a coach, and has two exceptional, possibly Olympic-bound students. She says she's only going to coach for 2 more years (putting her just under 70) and then retire.. But.. she seems to be putting her students ahead of dad. She went for a 3 week training course this summer with them, and the next local support group meeting, mom apparently can't attend because she is coaching at that time.
Every time anyone tries to talk to mom, she gets very defensive, as if we're attacking her. I really don't know where this comes from, and I've asked her to talk to professionals about it, but it never sticks...
Anyways. We're taking a long car ride tomorrow, up and down, in order to visit some relatives. It's going to be the 4 of us (minus my youngest brother, in the military), alone - as my aunt is going to drive separately to "give us time to talk."
I really don't know what to do here. I'm not in a good position to be a caretaker (or pay for one), but it is feeling more and more like that's what dad needs.. but mom refuses to acknowledge the severity of his disease. I love my parents, more than anyone else, and many of my fears are based around losing them.. and I can feel that process starting. I don't want the family to erupt into hatred over this...
How do I unpack all this? What can I do to help?
He/Him | "We who believe in freedom cannot rest." - Dr. Johnetta Cole, 7/22/2024
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This isn't something you can fix or unpack for your mom, she needs professional help. I'd focus on dad getting the physical assistance he needs and enjoying himself. Your mom, despite being kind of shitty about this is still an adult who gets to make her own decisions, even if those decisions result in her feeling massive regret in a few years when she looks back at how she behaved.
I'm not a doctor or anything, but I have worked in healthcare for a while and pretty much everyone who does has to go through age-specific care training these days. I also spent a while working at an assisted/independent living facility and what you're describing is very common. You could replace Parkinsons with literally any ailment related to the passage of time and the result would be the same, some people just adjust to growing old poorly and become insufferable until they process what they're doing to the people they care about. I know we actually had a therapist in facility a few times a week taking walk-in visits for both residents and family of residents who just couldn't make sense of why their loved one was acting this way.