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A Thread About Trolls

MeldingMelding Registered User regular
The Security Troll


The Security Troll is largely a man made creature. Not in that is made of artificial parts, but is it effectively the Pug of the troll kingdom. That is not to say it isn’t dangerous, but that it couldn’t exist in the wild, and snuffles a lot. The intention of the Security Troll is clearly explained in the name alone, a small troll kept in a house to ward off unwanted people and creatures. In olden days keeping a Security Troll was only within the means for the rich, but as wealth dispersed such as it did, even some poor families managed to get Security Trolls. In time a lot of the tradition and ritual of them was forgotten and lost. Many who have a Security Troll aren’t even away of it.


A Security Troll at first blush looks a lot like a large goblin might if it were stretched too much. The long claws and tusks however to beley it’s nature, as well as the fact it doesn’t tend to smell like rotting nacho cheese as goblins tend to do. Aside from the small size they function identically to a normal troll, some claim Security Trolls to be tameable, but most are in fact just bound by magic, or are too timid to attack those it shares a house with.


Of course you might be asking how people could live in the same house as a troll and be unaware of it. This answer to this is fairly simple, as long as trolls are fed they don’t make themselves known. When first created there used to be an entire ritual designed to keep the troll fed and happy so long as no one breached the perimeter of the house. As time when on and knowledge of the Security Troll was lost it is now largely luck they squatting trolls do not attack homeowners, as most trolls will happily eat mice and other vermin that get in the house, and with their goblin like ability to squeeze into tiny areas they are quite adept at getting them. Luckily they are also very protective of their homes, so as most break ins are quite literal, most would be thieves are set upon by the creature. This however can be dangerous for home renovations, so if you suspect you are in a house with a Security Troll it is best to wait a year or so before doing any large construction work to the house.


Identifying if your house has a security troll can be rather difficult these days, while it was once well recorded since the 1940s there has been no kept records. Even families known for breeding them seem to have stopped recording sales. The signs are also few, but the most common are these:

  1. Lack of mice and insects in the house. While ideally no house has any of these in it, let’s face it, they get in. If you live in a house where you never have any bugs or mice you might have a Security Troll. This becomes a better tell if there were bugs when you went to bed, but now have none.
  2. Strange sounds when the house is empty and already settled. All houses make noise, but if you house is especially noisy in areas you don’t use, this could be the troll hunting for food. They’re typically rather quiet, but this is only in contrast to other trolls. They’re roughly as loud as a toddler trying to sneak around while have no concept of how loud they really are.
  3. Pets acting strange near the doors. Security Trolls take up residence near entrances, and while you probably can’t smell them your dogs and cats can. As most animals are rightfully afraid of trolls, this can be a problem. If they keep acting strangely around a particular door, there might be a troll near there.
  4. There was a break in, the person clearly entered but nothing is missing. This is a bit more extreme, but people typically don’t break a window, go inside and then leave. I’m sure it happens, but odds are something scared them out. Signs of a struggle also is a give away.
There are also more expensive detection methods, but they typically require the assistance of a professional. If you are very concerned about a Security Troll then using your local Yellow Pages is perhaps the place to look.


Once you’re certain you have a Security Troll, it is often a hard choice of what to do next. Many people don’t like sharing a house with a supernatural creature, particularly a troll. Many will keep it as they tend to ward off pests, robberies, and sometimes even spirits. If you leave it gifts you might even endear yourself to it granting better and active protection.


If you decide you do not want it, getting rid of it isn’t very difficult, as that part of the ritual has been rediscovered. While the proper version is fairly involved, the abridged version is to get your house blessed and then leave a window open without the screen, and then leave a live pigeon ties to a fixture and leave the house for 24 hours. It will leave, and eat the pigeon.


Blessing the house isn’t mandatory, but the short version tends to leave the house cursed and the blessing wards that off. For a version that won’t leave your house cursed please consult a professional.

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    Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    We don't get no tolls then we don't eat no rolls.

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    SCREECH OF THE FARGSCREECH OF THE FARG #1 PARROTHEAD margaritavilleRegistered User regular
    you gotta pay the troll toll if you want to get the boys hole

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    HacksawHacksaw J. Duggan Esq. Wrestler at LawRegistered User regular
    But what about the dreaded Meme Troll?

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    PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    I thought for a very brief moment this was going to be about the shitty film Justin Timberlake plugged at Eurovision

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    UrielUriel Registered User regular
    edited December 2016
    Hacksaw wrote: »
    But what about the dreaded Meme Troll?

    Also, great thead as always melding.

    Uriel on
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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    I thought for a very brief moment this was going to be about the shitty film Justin Timberlake plugged at Eurovision

    it could still be.
    Hacksaw wrote: »
    But what about the dreaded Meme Troll?

    While some assert man is the true monster, we avoid being that largely only exist on the internet. Typically if something can be killed by a lack of wifi we don't touch it.

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    StericaSterica Yes Registered User, Moderator mod
    I think the old Homestuck thread still had some pages left before 100

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    miscellaneousinsanitymiscellaneousinsanity grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brother, i hurt peopleRegistered User regular
    paging @Hermano

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    Duke 2.0Duke 2.0 Time Trash Cat Registered User regular
    Dear Dr. Melding

    I suspect my home has a house troll. All the signs are there, but what really confirmed it was a break in where my wife tried to beat off the assailant and a supernatural force helped her defenestrate the intruder. At the time we were relieved, but the strange noises in the house have grown spookier and more prominent. We fear it may have run out of vermin to hunt and it may need to be removed. A friend of mine is descended from the lineage of seven wise men and a hero of legend, and technically any place a member of his bloodline rests within is considered a sanctuary of the faith. Which faith is unspecified as they are Muslim and the names of the legend are clearly northern European but that's another matter for another day.

    Could we drive out the security troll if the home is temporarily a sanctuary that doesn't take kindly to such creatures? Would this permanently drive it out, or would it return when our friend stops house-sitting for the weekend?

    from Oh God What Was That Creak Sound? in Cambridge

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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Duke 2.0 wrote: »
    Dear Dr. Melding

    I suspect my home has a house troll. All the signs are there, but what really confirmed it was a break in where my wife tried to beat off the assailant and a supernatural force helped her defenestrate the intruder. At the time we were relieved, but the strange noises in the house have grown spookier and more prominent. We fear it may have run out of vermin to hunt and it may need to be removed. A friend of mine is descended from the lineage of seven wise men and a hero of legend, and technically any place a member of his bloodline rests within is considered a sanctuary of the faith. Which faith is unspecified as they are Muslim and the names of the legend are clearly northern European but that's another matter for another day.

    Could we drive out the security troll if the home is temporarily a sanctuary that doesn't take kindly to such creatures? Would this permanently drive it out, or would it return when our friend stops house-sitting for the weekend?

    from Oh God What Was That Creak Sound? in Cambridge

    Dear Creaks,

    While trolls are typically magical beings they are not typically affected by religion, though some have some disdain for christians, so inviting a holy man into your hose likely would have much affect on it. Though, they may be able to do a blessing on it so that you can remove the troll through, well i was about to say normal but, traditional means. trolls have been known to take up residence in sacred temples and what not, so I'm pretty sure they don't give much consideration to divine power.

    Alternatively, you could just bribe the troll. They're fairly simple creatures and leaving an open bucket of bugs will at least show it that you're willing to pay the "Troll Toll". The exact ritual is lost, but, it is said a dead goat can buy you years of of passive troll. Passive against you and the people dwelling in the house that night not just entirely. They are a good deterrence and security after all.

    It should also be noted that a dove is basically a pigeon, so if you are keen on driving it out i'm told doves aren't too hard to get.

    I hope this helps,

    D. Melding, Not on any Magician Shop Pay Rolls.

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    HermanoHermano Registered User regular
    I thought for a very brief moment this was going to be about the shitty film Justin Timberlake plugged at Eurovision

    what


    PSN- AHermano
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    SabreMauSabreMau ネトゲしよう 판다리아Registered User regular
    I thought for a very brief moment this was going to be about the shitty film Justin Timberlake plugged at Eurovision

    I thought it was going to be all kinds of trolls. Because trolls are fine too.

    8xLGdea.jpg

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    tynictynic PICNIC BADASS Registered User, ClubPA regular
    My parents house definitely has a security troll.

    Or a ghost labrador. Could be either.

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    Mr FuzzbuttMr Fuzzbutt Registered User regular
    broken image link
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    HermanoHermano Registered User regular
    Now we're talking!


    PSN- AHermano
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    WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    But I thought we weren't allowed Election threads :D

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    The North American River Troll


    The North American River Troll is a one of the nastiest natural trolls in the wild. With a shared lineage of the Norwegian Rock Troll and the English Dale Troll it combines the regenerative properties of an english troll with the hardiness of a norwegian troll. Combined with their modest height of roughly six feet at the shoulders and weight of roughly five hundred pounds this makes them a threat to even the prepared traveler. This is even before considering their powerful swimming ability, which makes fighting them in the water a nightmare.


    Luckily like most trolls the River Troll is not a subtle creature, having no predators they tend to be loud and mess, despite their grey muddy skin giving them fairly good camouflage in the water, they rarely take advantage of it, instead moving right at whatever they intend to kill and eat. In a fight they are wild and inaccurate, relying on raking sweeps with their webbed claws or sometimes just simply turning a close miss to a bludgeoning strike with their arms. Their general unpredictability and lack of skill makes them bothersome to fight up close, but fairly easy at range, as the tactic of running in a straight line is easy to counter with a rifle.


    However, this too is rarely a concern for them, as most bullets cannot pierce their near rock hard skin, leaving even a well stocked hunting party not expecting to encounter a river troll at a loss for options, unless they came to hunt with armour piercing rounds.


    Luckily, despite the advantages of their mixed heritages it also comes with several drawbacks. Despite being more resilient to it, the River Troll does not do well in sunlight, direct sunlight causing terrible skin damage in minutes, causing instant scabbing, which does create openings for attacks as the scabs are not as durable as the undamaged skin. They are also vulnerable to fire and powerful acids, though their general slimey nature protects them somewhat from fire, once dried they are as susceptible as any regenerating troll.


    With this in mind however, they are still very powerful creatures and not to be taken lightly. If faced with one it is in your best interest to simply run away into the daylight where hopefully the light will eventually force the creature to flee.

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    WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    Ya basically if a DM describes me a Troll, but seems to have some sort of fire resistant anything , all further rolls I make are toward GTFO until I have GTFO

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
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    PolaritiePolaritie Sleepy Registered User regular
    Noted. In case of river troll, call the military and run like hell.

    Steam: Polaritie
    3DS: 0473-8507-2652
    Switch: SW-5185-4991-5118
    PSN: AbEntropy
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    gavindelgavindel The reason all your software is brokenRegistered User regular
    Out here in the midwest, we have the Minnesota Troll. He's a nice enough chap, but no reason to get excited about him. He's a bit tough around the edges, but nothing you can't solve with an bombing run out of Minot.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm-MrkoJPC8

    Book - Royal road - Free! Seraphim === TTRPG - Wuxia - Free! Seln Alora
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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    gavindel wrote: »
    Out here in the midwest, we have the Minnesota Troll. He's a nice enough chap, but no reason to get excited about him. He's a bit tough around the edges, but nothing you can't solve with an bombing run out of Minot.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm-MrkoJPC8

    holy shit, i really do talk like someone from Minnesota.

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    cB557cB557 voOOP Registered User regular
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    ProjeckProjeck Registered User regular
    a real life "web troll," a "jpeg hustler"

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    DedwrekkaDedwrekka Metal Hell adjacentRegistered User regular
    Did someone call for a Security Troll?

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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    That's more of a military troll.

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