So first off, this is not really how I was expecting to spend my evening. I'm a lurker around here, but I don't really have a wide group of friends I can ask for an opinion, so I'd greatly appreciate some help from people who are generally a lot wiser than I am.
My dad recently gave me his old computer. He formatted it, but it was still tied to his account so I was in the process of transferring it to mine before my yearly extended trip home. I just switched the account being used to mine when a popup for a popular backup program came up, which I clicked so it would stop bugging me with the tutorial.
As it turns out, the folder was still synced to my dad's account. In the root folder was an ominously titled doc called chance of survival. It was created very recently - and dated between me first using the computer months ago, and today.
Some background info:
My dad's a (highly) functional alcoholic who started drinking at a young age. He suffers from symptoms that are clearly related to alcohol abuse, but none that impede his daily life. However, he's gone through a rough patch at work recently (can't be too specific about it) and a result he's started drinking more. (But never during work, which I knew and his colleagues have always backed up.)
At one point me and my mum started talking about this (as we often do) and this time she revealed that he was denied life insurance at a young age. We've talked before about his habits and how he might not be around much longer, but this was still shocking to me. She also mentioned that he ignores serious illnesses unless until his hand is forced - in some cases by his boss and co-workers. She asked me to talk to him about his alcohol abuse and health habits, and I did - I was planning to anyway, but I just never had the courage to do it. The conversation went fairly well and was long and involved, but I knew going in you can't change habits with a single conversation - though I did manage to get his permission to talk to him about it more openly.
As you might imagine, looking at this document, I have a fairly lively and imaginative idea of what might be in it. So, do I open it?
On one hand, I wasn't supposed to see it, and if I did, I'd be invading his privacy, betraying his trust, and (the least convincing argument to myself here) taking away something he might be preparing to tell me in the next two weeks. It could also very well be nothing.
On the other hand, he has a difficult time with emotionally charged situations and avoids health problems as much as possible. Making the assumption that this is something to be worried about, I can easily see him not telling my mum and I for a very long time. If I know what's in the file, I could theoretically prod him to open up and get something started. And even if I don't, forewarned is forearmed. But truth be told, I'm not sure if I could handle several weeks of silence around the issue. Of course, if I don't open it... not sure if I can stand that either.
I'm really not sure what the best option is here, but I am definitely leaning towards the latter. For now, I've copied the file, removed my access to his backup program account, and deleted the rest of the folder.
I'm in the European timezone, so I am afraid I won't be able to reply till morning. Still, any advice and perspective would help massively. Thanks in advance.
EDIT: I guess there's a third option: tell him I saw the file and that I didn't open it. I guess that might be what I am leaning towards now?
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Granted, I don't know about your relationship with your parents. But it sounds like you have a good relationship where you trust each other. Letting him know you found this file didn't open it sounds like the way to go
That said, I'd suggest you don't say that you wanted to open it, just that you saw it there, thought it might have been important and wanted to be sure it was safe to delete it.
Most likely you'll end up going with option three anyway--which, it should be noted, includes telling him you didn't open it. (Note: if you can't lie like that, obviously don't open it.) But you should be forewarned so you know how to respond if he says "Oh it's nothing."
The question you have to ask yourself is, can your father be trusted to handle his own health decisions or not? If you think he might need pressure from you to deal with a threatening health issue, that should outweigh the privacy concern.
If you think your father should have total control and privacy when it comes to his own health, then this situation is really just about you and your anxiety over this discovery. As you say, it's a matter of what you can stand, the agony of not knowing or the pain of confronting him about it? In that case, see317 has the right idea--but be aware you will (and should in this line of thinking) end up with the agony of not knowing.
Whatever you do, good luck. I hope it turns out to be nothing.
It could also just be a pirated e-book and not worth worrying about.
Having that information already, if it turns out to be bad, can lead to an emotionally charged conversation that results in a wedge forming and could close off potentially much needed avenues since you'll be coming in with even more of an emotional burden that frequently causes these sort of discussions to go unintentionally sour. The sort of people that could pull off using the information to metagame the conversation while playing convincingly dumb would have just gone and done that from the get go and this thread exists soooooo yeah. Option three all the way.
Depending on the father's mental state, thinking of this in terms of right and wrong isn't a good idea.
Best case scenario: Its contents prompt an intervention that saves your dad's life.
Worst case: Your dad is annoyed?
What, honestly, is the worst case scenario here?
"I can't believe you read a mysteriously titled document that mysteriously appeared on your computer!"
"No, wait, I guess I can believe that. Stupid cloud sync."
I can't fathom this actually being a big deal in my family; who may be atypical, but they're the only reference family I've got.
I think I'll take the third option, and I definitely wouldn't open the file before talking to him about it. Having said that, considering my dad's phobia and general denial about his health, I'm not comfortable deleting the file outright. I will probably check to see if he's told me the truth or not (though I won't make him aware of that fact.) It's a shitty thing to hold over someone, but ultimately I live in a different country from my parents and I know from experience how hard it is to admit to a big issue over the phone. If there is something, he could hide it for years.
If it turns out to be nothing in the end, then whatever. Don't even have to tell him I checked. If it's a bigger issue... I can always let my mum know. At the end of the day, she's the only one who can really help if there's something wrong - the best I can do is fly home a few times a year. I also don't think there will be any long-lasting effect if he does find out - he does avoid these conversations, but I have an excellent relationship with my parents and I've never had a fight that lasted more than an hour with my dad. It might take a beating for a bit, but I'm sure we can recover from any damage.
I'm flying home on Wednesday, and he's picking me up from the airport. I don't think there's going to be a very convenient time to rip-off this band-aid, so hopefully I can do it in the first few days and relax after. With a bit of luck, I can report back and say that it was some old work docs regarding financial health or some such.
Thanks again for your help - I can't really express how helpful it is to get somebody else's perspective.
Yeah, it's what I'd like to believe too, but honestly, I don't think a situation like this has ever come up. We've had heated arguments over everything from politics to chores in my family, but this has been completely new.
It it was me it'd be a-okay with it, but that's always the danger.
He might be a closet prepper or comparing the safety records of companies that offer skydiving lessons or a book he's writing. It's probably better if you don't take the title of the document with you all the way to the conclusion that he's dying... at least without more evidence to that effect than just the title and your own concern for his health.
Still, better safe than sorry. Tomorrow's the day, probably.
Guess the thread can be closed!