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Encouraging wife to wear makeup without sounding like a douche canoe
Romantic Undead
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey guys! Any wives here who could give this husband some advice on how to encourage my wife to wear makeup more often? I think my wife is beautiful, especially her eyes, but lately I feel she's been getting more lackadaisical in her personal appearance. I worry about pointing this out to her, because, of course, I don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me if she's not made up to the nines all the time, as that is not what I want, nor expect, but I feel like she no longer feels she needs to make an effort around me anymore and that bums me out a little. Am I being a douche for wishing my wife made a bit more of an effort to maintain her appearance from time to time? I know I could do more myself, but aside from keeping my hair and beard nice and neat and showering everyday, which I do anyways, I don't know what else I can do in regards to my own personal appearance to try and "lead by example" so to speak.
I will say that I totally admit that this is a selfish thing to want and I am aware of that, but I can't help but feel like my wife could make such a more striking impression with the people that we meet if she made more of an effort when we went out, and yes, we're getting to the point in our relationship where we have a baby and sex has become more of a routine / filial obligation than the passionate spontaneous thing that it used to be and I would love some tips on how to communicate my concerns in that area without coming off as condescending or demeaning.
What do you think PA? Am I being unreasonable or selfish? Is this just a part of marriage that I need to suck up and deal with? Please set me straight! Thanks in advance!
I will say that I totally admit that this is a selfish thing to want and I am aware of that, but I can't help but feel like my wife could make such a more striking impression with the people that we meet if she made more of an effort when we went out, and yes, we're getting to the point in our relationship where we have a baby and sex has become more of a routine / filial obligation than the passionate spontaneous thing that it used to be and I would love some tips on how to communicate my concerns in that area without coming off as condescending or demeaning.
What do you think PA? Am I being unreasonable or selfish? Is this just a part of marriage that I need to suck up and deal with? Please set me straight! Thanks in advance!
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like, she may just be too tired or stressed or just not interested in that stuff at the moment.
the important thing I think here is actually talking to your wife, and an important tip is not framing your issues in terms of her obligations or whatever.
Otherwise it's okay to want her to change her appearance but you need to make sure that when you talk to her about it you frame it as something you want and that she'd be the one making extra effort to do something for you. But if she opts to not do so it's not a shortcoming on her part but rather the two of you having different priorities and desires.
It sounds like this isn't the only thing you're unsatisfied with. Which again is okay. The best way to go about discussing areas of your relationship you're not satisfied is to sit down and have a discussion about it. It's perfectly normal for people not to be aware that they're doing something their partner less happy, especially if nothing's been said.
But it's important to remember that ultimately not meeting one or the other's expectations isn't a failure on anyone's part. People change over time. There might be other factors you aren't aware of (ie it's possible your child is taking up more of her time than you know thought) that you might be able to help with. In the end though if she simply doesn't want to wear makeup as much as she used to it's important to respect that decision.
If you think she seems happier when she wears make up, you can ask her if there was any particular reason she stopped. If this is about you wanting people you meet to be more stricken by your wifes beauty... well. I think that's a pretty lame burden to put on her. Everyone wants a partner who is desirable, but no one wants to do that while their partner sits back and subtly pressures them.
For sure dont come at the angle of "I would do more, but you know men dont have as much we can do", because that comes off as "I really love you but could you spend more time on your appearance than I have to because society dictates it?"
Does she have less time in the morning because of the baby? Is she tired, busy, stressed, or depressed? Can you treat her to a spa day, a few mornings off every week, a baby sitter? All of these are way better things to concern yourself with. Treat her to something that gives her a reason to dress to the nines and feel great about herself, but then dont expect her to do so out of obligation.
If you want your wife to wear makeup more often, then be loving all the time but go all out to be downright seductive when she does make an effort. If she feels that the time spent putting on make-up is worth it, she will do it.
Valentine's day is coming up, and it's a perfect excuse to reignite things. Start with romantic gestures (if those aren't happening the correct time to start with the small gestures would have been "before yesterday") and then build up with plans for a fancy dinner and some post-dinner romance. If she asks why you're doing it, it's "because our love deserves it".
2. It could be stress. Make an effort to reduce her workload.
3. Being sexy isn't just in the garnish, it's about the main dish too. She might be cutting down because she feels that you're not bothering with anything but the bare minimum. If your beergut is growing, make an effort to reduce or at least halt its expansion. Maybe you already are, but if you're not...
-Antje Jackelén, Archbishop of the Church of Sweden
I definitely like the idea of a romantic dinner! It will give me an opportunity to live up to this screen name!
How often did she use to wear it? How often would you like her to wear it?
As a mother I would like to point out that babies tend to wail if ignored for 15 minutes to do makeup. You'd better be holding the baby while she's getting ready if you want her to do more than the basics. It's hard to apply mascara with a baby screaming/toddler pulling at your leg.
Maybe your a gym rat/ actually Ryan Reynolds and so this analogy doesn't apply. But as a lady who is in a longterm relationship who doesnt wear make up often (but, I like to think I look nice when I do) My tips are:
Don't play subtle games about this.
If this really is about some mascara, you are probably going to have to understand that its a dick move, but also be strait forward about it. If you take her to a fancy dinner and shes still a little too stressed to put on make up, are you going to resent it? Manipulating is bad for both parties, she wont know why you seem disappointed by this thing you were doing for her. Communicate about it.
If I were in her position and you planned a bunch of stuff for me and I figured out it was so you can slowly, subtly convince me to wear more make up, I'd be pissed.
Offer something in return that's not something you should already be doing like baby help. Maybe she wished you got your hair cut more often. maybe she wants you to wax your back. My boyfriend curls his mustache every morning. Maybe she thinks you could spend some time on your wardrobe. If you want her to appeal to your aesthetics, make sure you are offering equally that you appeal to hers.
Also, get over it a bit. Its a frivolous thing to let yourself get hung up on, but the more you make it out to be the big problem you have, the more it will become the thing you have trouble looking past. There are always little things we wish our partner did that aren't really necessary. Focus on making your wife happy.
I'd avoid using terms like lackadaisical in personal appearance--unless you mean a whole slew of issues other than makeup, and even then, it feels mean. Makeup is *extra* (even though in some circles it's treated as default). Foregoing it isn't lackadaisical, it's not spending an extra N minutes every day painting your face in addition to all of the appearance maintenance stuff that men do.
Also I want to point out that none of us know what is going on in your wife's head. Is she too tired to worry about makeup? Mental health? new allergy?
But like, what if it's a good thing? What if she finally feels comfortable enough around you that she doesn't feel the need to wear makeup? Dude that is huge and mega intimate and man what a good way to fuck up a marriage than by offhandedly telling your wife she needs more makeup.
My advice:
1. Talk to your wife
2. find out if no makeup is a good thing or a bad thing
3. fix what needs to be fixed for your wife to enjoy wearing makeup again and feeling good about herself
"Why did you stop wearing makeup as often as you used to?" and if you're sincere and nice about it, she'll probably tell you and you can have a conversation.
Also, you're not wrong in liking a thing. It's not somehow unacceptable to like it when someone puts in the effort to be attractive and you notice it. It's unfair to expect that priorities wont ever change a little and "make pretty for husband" falls down the list a little bit. Like anything else though, it's up to both of you to make the effort. I'm sure there are things you don't do as often either. So ask her and be prepared for something you may not have expected.
"Hey, I really like it when you get dressed up and do makeup! Was there a reason you don't feel like doing that anymore?"
- "Yeah we've been really busy! I assume you stopped waxing your back, balls and taint for the same reason."
"We should set up a date night and do those things we liked. Let's get a sitter and have some time for us at least once in a while."
Edit: Quality makeup is not inexpensive, it expires and sometimes you have to throw a lot of it away due to contamination.
Also, you are framing your spouse's personal health/beauty choices strictly as something that exists in relation to you. That's almost certainly not accurate and likewise not healthy. Presumably you didn't propose to her mostly because you thought she looked pretty in make-up; focus on enjoying the rest of the richness she brings into your life rather than bemoaning a superficial thing that has faded away. If this has been a trial for you, I am very curious how you plan to overcome the hurdle of age slowly but surely setting in & erasing surface beauty from your relationship altogether?
It's okay IMO to say that for the special occasion you'd like it to be formal, and you're going to get dressed up too and it'll be something fun you do together. But seriously though, I have a baby right now, and babies are hard, and if you so much as commented on my declining appearance what with the no-sleep I get I would tell you to piss right off with that. The only parents I know who have kept up with their makeup through having small children have nannies or do makeup tutorials for a living.