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I'm going to take my daughter to visit her mom in jail. have a few follow up questions
b4660
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I was going to add this to the previous question but it is locked for some reason
The charge is a forgery charge and it is a six month sentence main problem I have is she will see her mom in jail clothes and see guards and other inmates that could be intimidating I have a daughter who is 15 and she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. I told her mom did the wrong thing and is rightfully serving her punishment.
I am going to take my daughter to visit. Just looking for a good time. There are just a few more things I wonder
1. I managed to talk to one of the main guards that works at that jail. She said that since my daughter is a teenagers it is perfectly fine to take her. She also said use it as a learning experience (what does that mean do you think), and to simply present it as a punishment for wrong doing. What do you think about this?
2, my wife says bring her if she would like to and my daughter says she would like to but I don't know if it is a good idea. I am surprised my wife did not flat out say no. Does this show that she thinks it won't be so bad or that she wants to see her so badly that she doesn't mind her daughter seeing anything bad?
3. my daughter does want to go and she even said something like "mom is in jail and I want to visit, why are we braver than you". It was a clear joke obviously.
do you think my daughter feels it is kind of interesting to see the inside of a jail but not be a prisoner there?
thanks for any answers
The charge is a forgery charge and it is a six month sentence main problem I have is she will see her mom in jail clothes and see guards and other inmates that could be intimidating I have a daughter who is 15 and she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. I told her mom did the wrong thing and is rightfully serving her punishment.
I am going to take my daughter to visit. Just looking for a good time. There are just a few more things I wonder
1. I managed to talk to one of the main guards that works at that jail. She said that since my daughter is a teenagers it is perfectly fine to take her. She also said use it as a learning experience (what does that mean do you think), and to simply present it as a punishment for wrong doing. What do you think about this?
2, my wife says bring her if she would like to and my daughter says she would like to but I don't know if it is a good idea. I am surprised my wife did not flat out say no. Does this show that she thinks it won't be so bad or that she wants to see her so badly that she doesn't mind her daughter seeing anything bad?
3. my daughter does want to go and she even said something like "mom is in jail and I want to visit, why are we braver than you". It was a clear joke obviously.
do you think my daughter feels it is kind of interesting to see the inside of a jail but not be a prisoner there?
thanks for any answers
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It doesn't matter if your daughter thinks it is interesting or why. Your wife didn't say no because it's not unsafe and she wants to see her daughter, and likely appreciative that her daughter wants to see her too. There is nothing bad to see. The jumpsuit may be ugly, but you know for a lot of people that isn't an reasonable hurdle to jump.
You can present it to your daughter as "taking her to see her mom".
This particular experience can only be dehumanizing or traumatic if you insist upon making it that way.
If you do not keep your questions and responses contained within the thread I will lock this one too.
Your spouse is still a perfectly fine person, your daughter would like to go see her mother, the prison experience will be awkward at worst.
Perhaps you should ask yourself why you are reluctant / embarrassed about this situation rather than why your daughter is calm & cool about it.
Its not a joke. Just take her to see her mom and get over whatever hangup you personally have. It is harming your wife and child.
I dont see what your hesitency is here
You said that you have forgivven your wife for the crime and the subsequent jail time. But its soon going to need to be your wife and daughter forgiving you if you don't take her.
So, if you don't mind me asking b4660, why are you asking for advice? It sounds like your daughter wants to go, your wife wants to see her. The only person having a problem with this is you.
If you're looking for someone to tell you "You're absolutely correct, you should never take your daughter to visit her mother in prison!" I think you may be looking at the wrong forum. Unless your wife committed a violent crime or has been mentally, physically or verbally abusive I don't think anyone here's going to tell you that it's cool to remove her from your daughter's life for half a year.
I could be wrong on that, and certainly don't want to speak for everyone, but it surprise the hell out of me to see someone post that advice in a non sarcastic fashion.
And, telling your daughter that she can't visit her mother because some random poster on a video game forum on the internet supported your preconceived notion as to what is or is not acceptable circumstances to visit one's mother isn't really going to be a great conversation to have.
The "Learning experience" the guard mentioned, I'm guessing it's to show your daughter that prison life sucks and it's no fun to wind up there.
But it's not the constant shank or be shanked, prison rape, working in inhumane conditions for inhuman prison dictators living hell that popular media depicts it as either.
As for why your daughter would be curious, see above. There's a lot of media out there showing "prison life", and it's incredibly natural for a person to be curious about what it's really like. While I've never been in prison, I'm guessing (and really really hoping) that most of that media is less than 100% accurate in their depiction of prison life. It may be that your daughter misses her mother too. Which is, of course, perfectly natural given the circumstances.
I'm not even sure why you would consider not taking your daughter to see her mom. There is literally no reason for her to not to go if she wants to go.
So you're already taking her. Good!
1. Well, it's perfectly fine to take your daughter, for starters, and as for the learning experience thing, why not teach your daughter about the consequences of crime and the prison system?
2. Obviously she wants to see her daughter and doesn't think it will be a bad experience, because it won't be.
3. No, you're being cowardly about this. Aside from this not being a question, the only reason you don't want your daughter to go is because you are afraid of something and you aren't able to articulate what.
You're being real weird about this. Just go!
Basically this. The last thread was nearly a complete copy and paste of this.
This is either a major hangup for the OP (not the daughter), or there's something more to this whole situation.
Her mother isn't going to be chained to a wall and tortured while your daughter watches.
You aren't going to be taking a stroll through general population with her mother, nor leaving your daughter there overnight to enjoy the lovely prison hospitality.
Nor are you taking her to the middle of a warzone or anything.
You're going to a safe area of a fairly ugly place where your daughter can talk with her mom for a little bit.
End of story.
There is nothing more to it. So unless YOU personally have some issues to bring up and deal with, there's nothing more to this... so stop trying to dig up reasons why this is such a horrible thing that you want to spare your daughter from.
What's the real issue you have with this, what is your problem with this visit that you are trying to work through? What are you personally afraid of that neither your daughter nor her mother have any problems with?
Sure but since my wife is there she might decide it's not too bad since she is used to the area now
So if I'm reading this right, your fear is that your daughter will get to like prison life? That's what you're worried about? And that your wife doesn't see the danger because she's "used to it" now?
I think you're imagining a highly unlikely scenario. What your daughter will see is that jail is uncomfortable and inconvenient and not fun times 24/7. Her curiosity is natural and has nothing to do with wanting to end up there or whatever strangeness you're imagining. Her desire to see her mother is also natural. If she takes anything out of these events, it will be that jail is no where she wants to live, and that even nice people like her mom can end up in prison if they take a wrong turn in life. These are helpful lessons and nothing you should fear.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
It is solely the environment, seeing other inmates and uniforms. Nothing to with her mom. Just wondering though that if an adult like me
Is intimidated, how could a 15 year old not be?
And even if she is somewhat intimidated, thats no reason not to take her - you seem to be seeking a reason not to. Maybe, just maybe her desire to see her mom is more than any emotional response to the prison.
OR, maybe shes not intimidated at all? Who knows! Regardless, you really should just take her. You seem to be the one with major hang ups about this.
Actually what I mean is that since my wife is in jail she is used to it that's why her saying it is ok to bring my daughter may not be an impartial type of view
Because she's 15 years old and teenagers are often really bad about being intimidated by things, and worse about giving much thought to anything.
While you are sitting here for (what, a few weeks now?) looking like you are overthinking the ever loving hell out of this situation down to details and issues that are unbelievably minute.
To her it's simply that's where her mom is, she wants to go visit.
And that's probably the extent of the thought. That she's in a jail is something odd... but that's it... it's an oddity.
Just stop thinking about it like you're going to submit her to some strange form of psychological torture and just take her to go and see her mom.
Consider this. Your wife has a sentence of six months. If you successfully refuse to let your daughter visit her in jail before that sentence is up you will have driven a huge wedge into your relationship and I would not be at all surprised if the marriage was destroyed as a result. And do you think your daughter is going to let your interference slide? Do you think she doesn't see what you're trying to do? Even if the relationship survives it will leave an indelible mark they will both remember.
I think your intimidation stems from a LOT of prejudice and preconceived notions on your part. I think that you are showing your contempt for people who have committed even minor crimes and gotten caught and your discomfort with having to face the reality that they are still people and not walking negative stereotypes, or letting your daughter see that they are.
I think every last sentence you've posted (and likely word you've uttered) has been an attempt to dehumanize these people. Not your wife, of course... just her commission of a minor crime and her environment and everyone around her and any friend she may have made and her attire and and and...
Will the experience be intimidating for you? Sounds like you've got a lot going on in there so probably. Will it be intimidating for your daughter? Not enough so that she's going to let it stop her from seeing her mother, and that's pretty much the definition of bravery. She is literally braver than you.
Dude, the part of the prison where visitors can access? Nothing bad can happen there. It's usually right near the entrance, and the room is guarded. It's basically just a big room with chairs and tables (all bolted down), like a shitty school cafeteria.
You're not going to be harassed by other inmates
There's not going to be a riot
You won't even enter the prison proper
I don't know what you think will happen, but it's not going to be an episode of Oz. It's going to be benign and mostly boring outside of the newness of the situation. Stop being a wimp and take your daughter.
The way you feel about any of this is entirely irrelevant.
A daughter wants to see her mother. Take her ASAP.
Actually I would hope my daughter understands that I am not trying to keep her away from her mom. Only a jail since she is a 15 year old girl. I will let her talk on the phone to her and pay any phone costs as much as she wants
Actually my wife has only been in one week so we have plenty of time to go and visit if we wNt
These feel like things she probably already knows herself?
Take your daughter to visit her mom.
You could take your daughter to visit her and brighten up what is otherwise going to be a really shitty day/week/month depending on how often you can manage a visit.
I work at a prison, was inside the facility itself for a good bit of time before moving over to warehouse. You want to know the most valuable privilege inmates have? The one that might be the only thing preventing them from having nothing to lose? Visitations. Because when you are in jail or prison you are isolated from the rest of the world. You don't have the freedom to find out what's happening on the outside unless you have a newspaper subscription (several days old) or happen to catch news on the TV if it's turned to the program. You live and work in a world separate from the "real" one and it's visitations that serve as an inmate's anchor to the outside. Break that anchor and you will do lasting harm. I wasn't kidding when I said that if she gets out and you did not visit her, and actively prevented your daughter from visiting her, that you may as well kiss your relationship with both goodbye because I am 99% sure she will hold that against you, and rightfully so.
You don't want to visit? Fine. Let that be on your head. But let your daughter see her mother and quit treating her like a porcelain doll who needs to be shielded from reality.