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Girlfriend Parent Problems
polarblue
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey Guys and Gals,
My girlfriend is in a weird place right now with her parents, and I would like to help as best as possible.
Background info: My girlfriend and I are in a very happy wonderful relationship, a little over a year. We plan on getting married as soon as my girlfriend is on her way into gradschool (about a year from now). We are both planning on staying in portland. If things go how I plan, i will be working at a design firm once i graduate. Big problem tho, in my current apartment as soon as the rent is up they will be increasing my rent from 650 a month to 760. This is too much for me to want to pay for a studio. and then adding an extra 100 for month to month, so I need SOMEWHERE to stay while i finish school.
My girlfriend is currently living with this mild mannered dude who loves anime, and her parents love him, he can be cool but for the most part he is a very inconsiderate room mate. Good news tho is that he is moving out in 2 months . My girlfriend needs a new room mate. So put 2 and 2 together, we get the obvious answer that we should move in together. Rent will be cheap for both of us, its a nice apartment. Its on campus. We spend the night together EVERY night anyways. We get along swimmingly.
Problem: Her parents are ANTI me.
They dont like me and they want her to be dating her ex boyfriend of 3 years ago who is a pastors kid and is married already. But they still want her to date him over me. What is screwed up is that they thing im some punk kid who is serving as some kind of a rebound emotional crutch boyfriend because my girlfriend was not happy with her father cheating and running out on the family. I take care of her, I love her, and I want nothing but the best for her. I took care of her when she had viral meningitis, Her mom didnt want to take her to the hospital to get checked out when she had menengitis. Apparently the 104 degree temp isnt that much to worry about![:\](https://forums.penny-arcade.com/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
. I take care of her when she has massive migraines. Her mom is hippocritical, she takes all the meds she wants (anti depressants, etc...) but she doesnt want to allow my gf to get prescriptions, or even to take midol for cramps. They cost too much money :P When she was suffering form menengitis she almost didnt take her to the pharmacy to get her painkillers. Actually I had to help her out, and walk her to the closest pharmacy. Growing up for her sucked ass when it came to being sick.
To sum it all up her parents are crazy, but have really weird seperation problems with it all, they treat her like a child and they never listen to what she has to say. Her mom wants her to move into a house nearby with her brother.. like.. for life. (i am not even joking). Her dad wants her to move back home for life. (im not joking here either) Get a job, live at home with the rents. He feels some weird regret for cheating and running out on the family for a few years. So he wants them to be a family again to make up for those lost years. Her mom gets drunk a lot. subsequently, they fight. They refuse to take me out to dinner or acknowledge me ever, and they HATE it when my girlfriend tells them about when my parents will take us out to dinner whenever they come up to visit, or when they bought my girlfriend more xmas presents than her own family did. (Her mom wraps up open boxes of cereal that her brother had bought to eat and gives it back to them as an xmas present) Its not that they dont have money, they just dont want to spend it on anything but for themselves.
Their argument against me moving in with her is that it is immoral. and non christian to live with a guy (which she is already doing).
tl;dr my girlfriends parents dont care about her but have a weird attachment problem where they want her to live with them and/or her brother and never with me. because im not a christian and they are such shining O_o examples of a good christian, or make that good people. Her parents are like sony of parents. Even if they do try to do something for her it just makes her dislike them more (ex. giving her the present of an old coffee maker filled with mold and what appeared to be dirt)
I feel like I should have a sit down with her parents and try to drive home what is up. But would it even be worth it? I want to make this situation better for her, but Im not sure exactly what to do.
My girlfriend is in a weird place right now with her parents, and I would like to help as best as possible.
Background info: My girlfriend and I are in a very happy wonderful relationship, a little over a year. We plan on getting married as soon as my girlfriend is on her way into gradschool (about a year from now). We are both planning on staying in portland. If things go how I plan, i will be working at a design firm once i graduate. Big problem tho, in my current apartment as soon as the rent is up they will be increasing my rent from 650 a month to 760. This is too much for me to want to pay for a studio. and then adding an extra 100 for month to month, so I need SOMEWHERE to stay while i finish school.
My girlfriend is currently living with this mild mannered dude who loves anime, and her parents love him, he can be cool but for the most part he is a very inconsiderate room mate. Good news tho is that he is moving out in 2 months . My girlfriend needs a new room mate. So put 2 and 2 together, we get the obvious answer that we should move in together. Rent will be cheap for both of us, its a nice apartment. Its on campus. We spend the night together EVERY night anyways. We get along swimmingly.
Problem: Her parents are ANTI me.
They dont like me and they want her to be dating her ex boyfriend of 3 years ago who is a pastors kid and is married already. But they still want her to date him over me. What is screwed up is that they thing im some punk kid who is serving as some kind of a rebound emotional crutch boyfriend because my girlfriend was not happy with her father cheating and running out on the family. I take care of her, I love her, and I want nothing but the best for her. I took care of her when she had viral meningitis, Her mom didnt want to take her to the hospital to get checked out when she had menengitis. Apparently the 104 degree temp isnt that much to worry about
. I take care of her when she has massive migraines. Her mom is hippocritical, she takes all the meds she wants (anti depressants, etc...) but she doesnt want to allow my gf to get prescriptions, or even to take midol for cramps. They cost too much money :P When she was suffering form menengitis she almost didnt take her to the pharmacy to get her painkillers. Actually I had to help her out, and walk her to the closest pharmacy. Growing up for her sucked ass when it came to being sick.To sum it all up her parents are crazy, but have really weird seperation problems with it all, they treat her like a child and they never listen to what she has to say. Her mom wants her to move into a house nearby with her brother.. like.. for life. (i am not even joking). Her dad wants her to move back home for life. (im not joking here either) Get a job, live at home with the rents. He feels some weird regret for cheating and running out on the family for a few years. So he wants them to be a family again to make up for those lost years. Her mom gets drunk a lot. subsequently, they fight. They refuse to take me out to dinner or acknowledge me ever, and they HATE it when my girlfriend tells them about when my parents will take us out to dinner whenever they come up to visit, or when they bought my girlfriend more xmas presents than her own family did. (Her mom wraps up open boxes of cereal that her brother had bought to eat and gives it back to them as an xmas present) Its not that they dont have money, they just dont want to spend it on anything but for themselves.
Their argument against me moving in with her is that it is immoral. and non christian to live with a guy (which she is already doing).
tl;dr my girlfriends parents dont care about her but have a weird attachment problem where they want her to live with them and/or her brother and never with me. because im not a christian and they are such shining O_o examples of a good christian, or make that good people. Her parents are like sony of parents. Even if they do try to do something for her it just makes her dislike them more (ex. giving her the present of an old coffee maker filled with mold and what appeared to be dirt)
I feel like I should have a sit down with her parents and try to drive home what is up. But would it even be worth it? I want to make this situation better for her, but Im not sure exactly what to do.
polarblue on
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You won't be able to bring these people around. They are completely, clinically insane, and the way they've treated this girl, from your description, rises to the level of an abusive relationship.
Please tell me you talked this over with her and she realizes her folks are lunatics. Don't vacillate on this. She's the one you want to marry, not her psychotic parents.
I would get her looking at grants and scholarships pronto. There are a lot of diverse foundations, trusts etc. with money to throw around, you just have to take the time to find them and send them essays. Small price to pay for free money. Either that or have her find a company (such as Boeing, which does have a Portland office) to work for that will pay 100% of educational costs for any employee for any accredited schooling. (My fiance has taken two free cooking courses and two free language courses and only had to pay taxes on the tuition.)
I had family to help me out, (Mom's side, she died when I was 10) so I moved three states away from Dad and his new wife 2 days after high school grad.
I am still paying my own way for school, and surviving. I haven't spoken to my father in two years. My paternal grandmother flipped out when I had to replace a female druggie/theif roomate with an attatched male. No concern or offers to help with rent, merely anger about me risking my reputation. Sadly, I haven't been able to talk to her since.
The main issue I see is that her parents are paying for her school, they are making threats, and will probably pull funding if you do move in together, as they obviously don't like spending money on her anyways. (the meds thing... it's just sad... and it makes me angry
My personal reccomendation is to get the hell away from these people. The chances of them listening to you are extremley remote, and might convice them to pull funding where they otherwise would not.
Keep in mind with "Christian" people like this, they might decide to cut her off anyways.
Best of luck to you, and her most of all.
I didnt know there are companies that pay full for school, that is something we'll have to check out.
Chimmeril im sorry to hear about your situation as well, it sucks when parents are like this
She has some cash from working up until a term ago because she was taking 18 credits and working a ton. She has a job she can always fall back on but it only makes minimumn wage plus tips.
Part of me wishes they will straighten up and actually be the good parents they think they are, but until pigs fly i guess we'll be doing some scholarship and benefitial job searching. she had thought about taking out loans, but scholarships sound much more appealing.
I will root for you and your girl, keep us updated if you can!
Most often they refuse to make the drive, but always try to coax her to visit via bus (neither of us can afford a car+insurance, and the trimet public transportation service IS pretty good). Which doesnt happen often, the ride is very boring, and then we have to walk a ways to the house. Apparently before we were dating, the first two years of her being in college they came to visit her like twice. Now, we see them once a month or two. The visits are awkward, they'll show up and ask her how shes doing and then start complaining about life (finances, their jobs, etc...) and then always have to leave really quick to catch "the game." (football). They are very socially awkward, sometimes her dad tells cool stories but not so much when both her mom and dad are together.
Visits to their house usually end up with her getting a long lecture about going back to work so her mom can get her paychecks. Her mom demands any paychecks that she gets, and since they finance her she does feel obligated to send them her paychecks. I can see where it is responsible to pay back people who are financing you, but in her case I think any future paychecks should be kept because the moneys are going to be essential soon.
Holy abuse alert, batman.
Okay, She desperately needs to open a separate savings account at a whole other bank and start siphoning. Any spare cash at all. Her mother should not know about any jobs, and if she can't avoid knowing, only give her part of the paycheck and let her believe that your gf is working less than she actually is. Throw that money in savings too, and don't touch it. She'd actually be well off talking to someone who works with abused spouses in order to develop an escape plan for when she finishes school - they can give her tips on how to get away clean without having to become dependent on other people or institutions any more than she wants to be. This is important - one could say being with you will make things easier, but the worst thing for her will be to jump from one source of dependence to another. She needs to know she can handle her own shit.
This also means that you can't do all this for her. You can let her know her options, but she has to do the account-opening and the scholarship-researching and applying. If she doesn't want that, you can't make her.
It isn't too hard to pay for one's own education. She already has a job -- that's a start! Talk to the financial aid people at your school ASAP, and ask them for any options she may have -- grants, federal loans, etc. And if worse comes to worse, you can always get alternative student loans from a bank. School loans can be some of the easiest to pay off in the grand scope of things.
You should support her, but you're not to do it for her. Like Cat said, you should tell her that student loans are no big deal, and that her paychecks are HERS. Not her mom's. Tell her that her parent's aren't going to fund her for the rest of her life, and that if they decide to cut off funding for school, it's no big deal and that you'll be able to find a way to pay for school with no problem.
Have her open her own checking account, have her move towards getting you on her lease. You should not talk to her parents, as they're already against you. You need to talk to her and not be demanding, but supportive. You need to softly point out how demanding your paychecks is bad, and that they're essentially blackmailing her by threatening to pull funding. Tell her that her parents are supposed to love her and support her decisions, not simply be a "bank" that demands whatever they want.
It's going to be work, but getting her off of her parent's funding is the first step. You know, if it was me, I would simply call my parent's up and say "hi mom & dad, yeah, listen, I don't want you to pay for school anymore. No, I don't want you guys to shoulder the burden and I want to be responsible for my own life."
If she makes the initiative to cut off their funding, rather than allowing them to threaten, the ball is in her court and she has the advantage. That's a significant advantage when dealing with abusive people like this.
When she gets another job, she needs to tell her parents that they'll only pay her through direct deposit at a local bank. So, she gets the deposit, writes a check to her parents for "the amount which she was paid," and can claim to have worked a lot less than she did.
She needs to decide how much she's willing to put up with from these psychos. Obviously, they're crazy, but getting college paid for is no small thing. How much longer does she have to go before she's done?
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Long story short, she told them shes not afraid to quit school and support herself, or pull out loans. And finish school that way. Her mom pretended not to listen to anything she had to say and kept asking for her to come to visit them, like a broken record. So she hung up on them.
This morning her mom sent a ton of apology "I love youuuu" "we'll be better parents. i swear" emails O_o. This is common after she has a disagreeement with them. Although we both dont trust them very much. Nor does my girlfriend wish to ever get on better terms with her parents (especially with her mom, they never bonded because her mom worked evenings while she was growing up, so they rarely saw each other), she's wishing to just be rid of them, which it looks like shes on her way towards now.
Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
Steam Friend code: 45386507
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OK to be serious. These laws are very local in the US. Some places have them and others don't. You'd need to check the state and municipal codes.
― Marcus Aurelius
Path of Exile: themightypuck
Definetly get an account set up at a different bank. Avoid Key bank, as they are evil. BECU would be my recommendation, or WaMu.
Don't trust her parents, but I think you have that down.
That's exactly what they want you to feel if their objective is for you to stay trapped in their house for the rest of your life. When you use your generosity to strong-arm people into doing what you say, it ceases to be generosity and becomes blackmail.
VC's totally right about them trying to manipulate you. Manipulate them right back into covering your last two terms of college. If you, can just move in together, then lie about who your roommate is.