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Saying no to well meaning family
Malgaras
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Sorry for the semi-vague title, I couldn't think of a good way to sum this up.
So long story short, I'll be going under the knife for open heart surgery next Thursday, and I'm going to be out of commission for somewhere in the neighborhood of six weeks according to the surgeon. The medical side of this is well in hand at this point, at least to the extent heart surgery can be well in hand, but I've got a different problem.
I live in Seattle, by myself, but have only been here for a year or so, so almost all of my support network for an event like this is still across the country. Thankfully, I've had offers from a number of people to fly out at one point or another so between that and potentially hiring a professional for home visits for a few weeks if need be, I will probably be able to manage alright. That said, while this is workable, it's far from ideal, so any suggestions on how to make this a bit more bearable would also be welcome.
The problem is my mother. In short, my mother is getting older, and has enough trouble getting around on her own as it is. In the past year, she's already been hospitalized twice from falling, and gotten in to a car accident (her fault) to boot. She is determined to come out and stay with me in my apartment to care for me. While well intentioned, this, by my math, is a generally horrible idea. I would love to see her, but the fact of the matter is I don't trust her to stay here without yet another person to care for her, because if something happens, I will be in no condition to do anything about it. Beyond that, I don't really have space for two people to stay here very well, let alone three. Thankfully, I've convinced her to fly up with someone at least so she should be traveling alone, but I need to broach the "you're in no condition to look after me" topic. Unfortunately, now is not really the ideal time to rip off the larger "you're getting older and you can't do the things you used to be able to" band-aid for obvious reasons.
Any ideas on how to handle this tactfully? Hell, I'll even take a stopgap to kick this can down the road to a point where I can handle heart surgery and then family drama one after the other instead of simultaneously, because I really don't have the energy or mental/emotional capacity to handle both right now.
So long story short, I'll be going under the knife for open heart surgery next Thursday, and I'm going to be out of commission for somewhere in the neighborhood of six weeks according to the surgeon. The medical side of this is well in hand at this point, at least to the extent heart surgery can be well in hand, but I've got a different problem.
I live in Seattle, by myself, but have only been here for a year or so, so almost all of my support network for an event like this is still across the country. Thankfully, I've had offers from a number of people to fly out at one point or another so between that and potentially hiring a professional for home visits for a few weeks if need be, I will probably be able to manage alright. That said, while this is workable, it's far from ideal, so any suggestions on how to make this a bit more bearable would also be welcome.
The problem is my mother. In short, my mother is getting older, and has enough trouble getting around on her own as it is. In the past year, she's already been hospitalized twice from falling, and gotten in to a car accident (her fault) to boot. She is determined to come out and stay with me in my apartment to care for me. While well intentioned, this, by my math, is a generally horrible idea. I would love to see her, but the fact of the matter is I don't trust her to stay here without yet another person to care for her, because if something happens, I will be in no condition to do anything about it. Beyond that, I don't really have space for two people to stay here very well, let alone three. Thankfully, I've convinced her to fly up with someone at least so she should be traveling alone, but I need to broach the "you're in no condition to look after me" topic. Unfortunately, now is not really the ideal time to rip off the larger "you're getting older and you can't do the things you used to be able to" band-aid for obvious reasons.
Any ideas on how to handle this tactfully? Hell, I'll even take a stopgap to kick this can down the road to a point where I can handle heart surgery and then family drama one after the other instead of simultaneously, because I really don't have the energy or mental/emotional capacity to handle both right now.
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Frankly though, one way or another it's a lie you'll need to maintain even when you feel like shit, and that's probably not the best thing to have to keep up either. If it stresses you out to know she's traveling on your behalf, it might be best to just say that: that you really appreciate the offer, but you'd much rather go visit her when you're healthier and can treat her, or something like that.
Helping someone walk, get into a car, bathe themselves and so on is actually quite difficult. A human being, no matter the weight is an unstable mass that can't be counted on when under the best of conditions. There are all sorts of necessary techniques that we use to help people move around safely in a healthcare environment, unfortunately one of the core requirements is that you yourself have a capable and able body and know how to properly "fall" with someone should they take a tumble.
If you can't rely on her being able to stabilize herself, you definitely can't rely on her to stabilize you. Heart surgery does strange things to people, especially if you go on bypass. One of those things is referred to as "pumphead". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postperfusion_syndrome. This is something that lasts a while even once the anesthesia has actually worn off, which itself will make simple tasks an adventure.
After your hospital stay you wont be in any condition to try to take care of someone physically, but mentally it may be even more difficult. You should tell her to come visit you, but that you've made other arrangements for care assistance. If she really wants to make you soup and keep you company, that's fine. Don't let her attempt to help you physically. You wont want to fall with sternal wires in.
As an aside, I have a protruding disc in my back from helping a 115lb lady back on her stretcher after helping position her for a spinal anesthesia. I am a 250lb male who has been working in hospitals for around 12 years. It's not a matter of will or desire to be helpful. Professional healthcare workers get injured all the time and we know what we're doing. At any one time I think there are a minimum of 2 people in my department who are on modified duty for work related injuries.
The short is you wont be crisp for a bit and she needs to know that trying to help without knowing her own limitations could hurt you both.
Edit: You'll get to talk to someone in physical therapy pretty soon after you wake up and they may be able to make a much more convincing argument as to what kind of assistance you will need.