Love...something.

Ethan SmithEthan Smith Origin name: Beart4toArlington, VARegistered User regular
edited May 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
I'm in a situation right now that...it's not so much of a love triangle...honestly, I don't know what to call it.

It all starts with Max. Max is a friend of mine whom I've known since I was 5. He's one of those guys that literally exudes charisma. He's a great guy, he's really smart, and each and every girl that has ever known him has a crush on him (this is extremely literal, you have NO idea). He has a couple of flaws, the most major of them having been recently revealed to me with our meeting Olivia.

During the November play (my and Max are 16, Olivia is 14) (the play was Arsenic and Old Lace), I met Olivia for the first time, and Max got to know her for 'real' (she had band class with him, but didn't see him under social circumstances). At first, it seemed to be really nice. Olivia is innocent, but in such a way that she isn't a prude or naive. I was thinking that maybe we could have a 'perfect threeway friendship' (When there isn't an imbalance created by two people having been friends for 6 years, and the third never knowing the second person, etc). However, within a week, Olivia was on Max's lap. This slightly strained our relationship, as Max and Olivia would go through periods where they would stare into each others eyes for 4, 8 minutes at a time, and I (or any other friend, for that matter) can't get a word in edgewise. Max and Livie stay with each other for 2 months, until Winter Break, when Max's ex-girlfriend came. Honestly, I was never that aware of what was happening there, but Sam (his ex) is a very dominant, though kind-hearted person. Max was (is) completely in her thrall. He broke up with her that december. I felt sorry for Livie, she cried on my shoulder for two days that week. She swore that she'd hate him at long as she lived, etc.

By mid-January, they were back together. Sam came in in February, they broke up, etc.

This is the forth time, in with Max cheated on her with her best friend. This week Olivia is hitting on Max, again.


I, as the only unbiased third party (everyone else is saying "MY GOD MAX IS AN INSENSETIVE ASSHOLE!")
am trying to think of a way to help them, while at the same time trying to stop the selfish thoughts caused by the fact that I really like Olivia.

I would be ashamed to admit that I had risen from the ranks. When I rise it will be with the ranks, and not from the ranks..
Ethan Smith on

Posts

  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    I'm not sure what to tell you - sometimes friends do stupid things, but there's nothing you can do to help them. It sounds like everyone is right about Max. Also, Olivia seems to have some self esteem issues if Max keeps dumping and cheating on her and she keeps going back to him.

    Neither of these people seems like they're going to change their behavior based on something you do or say. They'll just have to learn with age. If you really want to do something...you might try talking to Olivia and getting her to examine why she keeps going back to a guy who isn't in to her enough to stick. Otherwise, I think you should leave it alone. It's a bad idea to get involved in friends' love lives unless you're invited.

    witch_ie on
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    You should seriously just move on from Olivia, and stay out of it. As was said before, she's probably got some self-esteem issues (and what 14-year old doesn't?), and you'll be better off pursuing someone who's never been involved with your best friend.

    Thanatos on
  • Vrtra TheoryVrtra Theory Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    It might help to look at this situation from a totally different point of view.

    Feel free to correct me if I'm putting words in your mouth, but I'm guessing that this is a big dilemma for you: a girl you like seems interested only in your friend, but he doesn't care about her the way you do; you're pissed he treats her like that, but feel you need to respect your lengthy friendship; part of you wants to be there for her, part of you thinks you should stay out of it altogether, and etc. etc.

    To me, your situation isn't unique: it's a classic case. Guy A is banging the girl and treating her like dirt; Guy B is always there to comfort her, in the hopes of turning her around (this never happens, by the way.) Note that I'm not saying this to be condescending or paint your situation as unimportant. I think if you realize that this happens all the time, everywhere, it'll be easier to write off the girl as a lost cause.

    Two pieces of advice:

    1. Not only should you stop trying to win her over, you should decide you won't date her. This is a purely mental distinction, but it's important.

    2. Continue to be a good friend to both of them, but sort out your priorities. Do you really want to encourage female friends to call you and complain for hours about the guy that's broken up with them four times? I don't tolerate that kind of behavior, and you shouldn't either. Setting boundaries can be hard, but you'll respect yourself more if you do.

    And one postscript: if #2 sounds harsh, consider this. Your current friendship with Olivia is (at least partially) a lie. You are her best buddy, comforting shoulder, and sympathetic soul, but your motivation is sketchy at best. It is OK to be her "girlfriend" if you get #1 straightened out - if you can honestly say you aren't behaving that way to get in her pants. I suspect that this isn't the case, which means #2 is important - letting a girl use you emotionally while she gets her physical satisfaction elsewhere is not a good way for men to build self-esteem.

    Vrtra Theory on
    Are you a Software Engineer living in Seattle? HBO is hiring, message me.
  • CojonesCojones Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    Thanatos wrote: »
    You should seriously just move on from Olivia, and stay out of it. As was said before, she's probably got some self-esteem issues (and what 14-year old doesn't?), and you'll be better off pursuing someone who's never been involved with your best friend.

    Obviously no-one likes the feeling when someone they're attracted to moves on but it's more than likely that attempting to start a relationship with Olivia would be bad for you both. No doubt you yourself will move on soon and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about. It happens to all of us.

    The best thing you can do is to be a good friend to both parties involved and to try and maintain neutral for the sake of both of your friendships.

    #2 sounds really fucking harsh. I'm going to write that off as bad advice straight off the bat.

    Cojones on
    exmac.png
  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited April 2007
    You guys are still young.

    And most young people learn things by growing up and experiencing them, rather than by listening to their friends' or families' wisdom.

    Just let it go. Because one thing you will learn as you grow up is that in situations like this, it is best to keep your distance and stay unbiased.

    ege02 on
  • Ethan SmithEthan Smith Origin name: Beart4to Arlington, VARegistered User regular
    edited May 2007
    And now that I've shown you this problem, I'm going to point out ANOTHER one, that is equal to this one, but only involves me (kinda)

    So I had this massive crush on this girl, Luissa. Luissa does not like me, honestly, because I...misplaced her when it came to friends (you see, the only times I've ever seen her with others is when she's with one of two of my friends who use innuendo all the fucking time, and she...isn't that kind of girl). This has accumulated to three facts-

    1)We hardly ever have a real conversation (IE, not small talk)
    2)My real method of speech (using shittons of references to nerdiness, large vocab, non sequiters, and innuendo) creeps her out, at least as far as I've noticed
    3)the only real conversations we've had are about me liking her.

    This would be a rather easy problem-normally, I'd deal with my problem, and pretty much try never to see her again.

    However, this year the seniors graduate, and roughly 8/11 of my good friends are seniors, meaning I'll be left pretty much all alone (the few friends I have who are my age [1 person] or younger [2] aren't good enough that I can just call and say 'yo, can I come over?'). I've been trying to use Luissa to gain a new group of friends, becoming fast friends with Veronica (who turned out to be an ass-Granted, I was moping alot because I knew I couldn't have her friend, but damnit, she's really fucking cold). However, given that my infatuation has been lifted a slight, I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to countinue to attempt to become friends. I mean, I've heard that she has a cold shoulder to people she doesn't know too well, but fuck, it's been 6 months.

    So there you have it. I'm trying to fix this problem because I can't fix my own. (there's an earlier thread about this, that, when reading it, was very enlightening to me about the way I speak when I'm like that-like a fucking emo)


    edit-This is in response to the whole 'don't hook up with Olivia' thing, because, I'm thinking the same thing. I'm doubting my own ability to act rationally, because I haven't been acting rationally for the past 3 months.

    Ethan Smith on
    I would be ashamed to admit that I had risen from the ranks. When I rise it will be with the ranks, and not from the ranks..
  • CojonesCojones Registered User regular
    edited May 2007
    I don't see why you have to associate with this group of guys in particular; no doubt your school is brimming with potential buddies, why try to pal up with people who, by the sound of things, don't like you all that much? Obviously I'm not suggesting that you should burn your bridges but some people just aren't suited to being friends. If you're sure that you want to pursue a friendship then it's only sensible to know that there may be a chance that it won't work out. There's not a great deal you can do about it.

    Your spelling is causing a good deal of anguish to me.

    Cojones on
    exmac.png
  • Chief1138Chief1138 Registered User
    edited May 2007
    Christ, man. I think you're overthinking things a bit. Your mistake is in assuming that everything a 14-16 girl does will be rational. Just leave it the fuck alone. I don't know what the high-school version of "hooking up" is, but if it's anything like the college version...run away! 14 year olds are a no-no

    Chief1138 on
    My roommate last year was very drunk when he got back from his gf's room after a night of sex and couldn't remember a few things: 1 he was no longer in her room 2 that was my bed he was trying to get into and 3 that i wasn't the gf and not into doggy style. Needless to say he sobered up quickly and its not like anything really happened...
  • METAzraeLMETAzraeL Registered User
    edited May 2007
    Cojones wrote: »
    I don't see why you have to associate with this group of guys in particular; no doubt your school is brimming with potential buddies, why try to pal up with people who, by the sound of things, don't like you all that much? Obviously I'm not suggesting that you should burn your bridges but some people just aren't suited to being friends. If you're sure that you want to pursue a friendship then it's only sensible to know that there may be a chance that it won't work out. There's not a great deal you can do about it.

    Your spelling is causing a good deal of anguish to me.

    I agree on both parts (I'm having a hard time following some of what you're saying). Look around for better prospects, and save the cold-shouldered group as a back-up plan.

    METAzraeL on

    dream a little dream or you could live a little dream
    sleep forever if you wish to be a dreamer
  • Ethan SmithEthan Smith Origin name: Beart4to Arlington, VARegistered User regular
    edited May 2007
    METAzraeL wrote: »
    Cojones wrote: »
    I don't see why you have to associate with this group of guys in particular; no doubt your school is brimming with potential buddies, why try to pal up with people who, by the sound of things, don't like you all that much? Obviously I'm not suggesting that you should burn your bridges but some people just aren't suited to being friends. If you're sure that you want to pursue a friendship then it's only sensible to know that there may be a chance that it won't work out. There's not a great deal you can do about it.

    Your spelling is causing a good deal of anguish to me.

    I agree on both parts (I'm having a hard time following some of what you're saying). Look around for better prospects, and save the cold-shouldered group as a back-up plan.

    Spelling?

    You talking about grammer?

    Becuse my spelling is perfect.

    Ethan Smith on
    I would be ashamed to admit that I had risen from the ranks. When I rise it will be with the ranks, and not from the ranks..
  • CojonesCojones Registered User regular
    edited May 2007
    Spelling?

    You talking about grammer?

    Becuse my spelling is perfect.

    This is entirely off topic and I shouldn't even be thinking about bothering with this but here we go:

    peice is spelled piece
    countinue is spelled continue
    sequiter is spelled sequitur
    insensetive is spelled insensitive
    grammer is spelled grammar

    Thats what I picked up on at a glance as I looked over your posts. There were a good deal of other mistakes too but I'm not going to bring up anything that's not a spelling mistake.

    Cojones on
    exmac.png
  • Ethan SmithEthan Smith Origin name: Beart4to Arlington, VARegistered User regular
    edited May 2007
    Cojones wrote: »
    Spelling?

    You talking about grammer?

    Becuse my spelling is perfect.

    This is entirely off topic and I shouldn't even be thinking about bothering with this but here we go:

    peice is spelled piece
    countinue is spelled continue
    sequiter is spelled sequitur
    insensetive is spelled insensitive
    grammer is spelled grammar

    Thats what I picked up on at a glance as I looked over your posts. There were a good deal of other mistakes too but I'm not going to bring up anything that's not a spelling mistake.

    I was kidding D:

    Ethan Smith on
    I would be ashamed to admit that I had risen from the ranks. When I rise it will be with the ranks, and not from the ranks..
  • METAzraeLMETAzraeL Registered User
    edited May 2007
    hahaha

    METAzraeL on

    dream a little dream or you could live a little dream
    sleep forever if you wish to be a dreamer
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