Relationship advice

xAlibearxxAlibearx Registered User new member
The last person I dated was the first I've ever loved including my family and the only person I have loved though I don't anymore. He cheated on me with his step sister...the person I hate the most and it really messed me up it's been almost a year I'm over it all forgotten but still haven't felt like that with anyone. I'm kind of scared to love someone. Whenever people say they romantically like me I just analyze them figure out why think do. Like the guy who cheated on me all of his relationships we're purely sexual and he had substance problems and I was the only one who didn't just hook up with him I took time to know him and helped him. He didn't really love me. Now another guy has asked me if I would date him and he's so nice but I can't feel anything. I feel like the only reason he likes me is I'm pretty much the only girl that's shown remote interest in him. I just feel so empty all the time and this prevents from even being capable of being in a relationship. I feel like it's not fair to the other person because I'm like this. I'm so lonely I just don't know what do. I don't mean to sound so pathetic it's just rough I used to be such a nice kind affectionate person now I can barely even say the word love and everything makes me sad or angry. I don't really care about myself anymore I wouldn't even smoke cigarettes because I knew it'd be bad for my health. I'll smoke frequently and I also smoke weed now. Honestly if someone were to offer me crack and tell me it'd be a great high I'd do it that's the level of depression I'm at. I don't know just some advice on how to love would be great. I don't really understand emotions very well anymore. Thanks


  • KarlKarl Registered User regular
    I think you need to see a counselor or a therapist.

    How old are you out of interest?

    Koshian wrote: »
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    Everyone can use some therapy, especially in times of stress. I went through a patch in my early 20s where things got real, real bad. Going to therapy for a while helped me get my head back on straight and figure out what I wanted and how I wanted to get it.

    A good therapist is like a magic mirror that asks the right questions. They aren't there to fix everything for you, but to help you equip yourself with the tools to understand what's wrong and how to fix yourself. I strongly recommend it.

  • xAlibearxxAlibearx Registered User new member
    I'm only 18 I know it's quite young to have been in a two year serious relationship but I didn't mean to get so serious about him and I live with my parents if I were to tell them I wanted to start seeing a therapist again they'd want to know why(I've tried asking them). I stopped going a little after I started dating him. I was struggling really bad with depression I was on a lot of medication and then I just didn't feel like I needed it anymore I was really happy all the time and the relationship but if was a secret from my parents so I can't tell them why I want to go. I didn't want them ruining the relationship they ruin a lot of things.

  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    Tell your parents why, then? Do you have a strong reason not to let them know?

  • HeraldSHeraldS Registered User regular
    edited July 2017
    Therapy and honest dialogue with your parents is a good start.


    Please use paragraphs going forward. It makes it much easier for us all to read and much more likely you'll get worthwhile advice.

    HeraldS on
  • NightDragonNightDragon 6th Grade Username Registered User regular
    If you want to tell your parents a little white lie so they don't bother you about why you're going to therapy, I think that would be fine. You could simply say that you've been struggling a bit with depression, and would like to see a therapist. If they ask you why, you could simply say "I don't know, I hope they can help me figure that out" or something similar.

  • xAlibearxxAlibearx Registered User new member
    They don't really understand depression it hard to talk to them about it. I was only originally going because the state required it after my brother killed himself.

  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    Alternatively, you could speak with your GP and they could refer you to a therapist and speak with your parents to help contextualize the situation.

    @Gnizmo may have some suggestions here.

  • GnizmoGnizmo Registered User regular
    xAlibearx wrote: »
    They don't really understand depression it hard to talk to them about it. I was only originally going because the state required it after my brother killed himself.

    Just to be clear, I am not here to be a therapist, provide therapy, counseling, or anything of the sort. This is personal advice. Why I put this disclaimer here will be apparent later on.

    So, um, kinda burying the lede a little here I think. This all sounds like text book depression symptoms to me. Like I would absolutely suggest you see a therapist because a lot of what you describe sounds incredibly painful and hard to manage. The biggest problem with depression is it makes it impossible to want to try and make things better. Its a beast that fights incredibly unfairly. Its also a beast that sneaks up on you.

    So my first question is why do your parents need to know at all? You are 18 and able to consent. There is no strict requirement so I guess I am curious what the barriers are, and if there is a way to mitigate them. If it is transportation that can be hard, but manageable. Friends are a wonderful resource, and you have indicated that there is at least on person deeply interested in your well being. Buses can also work depending on your area. If it is simply leaving that is easy, but requires some level of deception. Nothing terrible though.

    If I might ask, is there anything physical you like to do for fun? Running, biking, hiking, jogging, walking, any type of exercise etc? Remember how I mentioned depression fights unfairly? Well an easy way around is to actually just do stuff oddly. It will not solve your problems, but it helps give you the mental energy to combat the problem. Its a brain chemistry thing is the short answer for why.

    My largest bit of advise here? Talk. Talk about it all. Talk to the people around you. Tell them how you are feeling. Let them know what you are going through. Your parent's sound closed off, but that is only one relationship. Letting it all out and processing is incredibly effective. Want to know what the most effective part of therapy is? The relationship. Being able to just sit and talk to someone who is supportive is 70% of the effect of therapy. Techniques and what not make up the last 30%. That is huge! You don't have to take my word on it either. The research is out there. I say this as someone who has near a decade of experience working in the mental health field in settings ranging from drug rehab, to psych hospitals, to working for child protection, and most recently finally getting around to getting my masters. If you want a study send me a PM and I will find a way to get it to you.

    From a personal note, I can say I know how hard it is to fight these demons. My brother died from HIV that progressed to AIDS when he decided the best way to fight it was to ignore it. After that I fell in love with a boy who wasn't great to me, and eventually exploded for shockingly similar reasons. I got lucky and found a wonderful set of supportive friends who loved me through this. I felt like I didn't deserve it, but I know I needed it in hindsight. Don't let the voice in your head convince you that you have no value. Your existence is magic, and is incredibly valuable. Others can see this so I ask you trust them a little bit, at least for now. They see who you are better than you can as strange and impossible as that sounds. Let them show you how amazing you truly are.

    bowenspool32L Ron HowardElvenshaeSleepEncTofystedethNightDragonRainfalldavidsdurionsGonmunadmanbArmoroc
  • Magus`Magus` Registered User regular
    edited July 2017
    As someone who has suffered, and continues to suffer, from depression you are very much are dealing with it.

    The most common types (causes?) of depression are situational and clinical. Both can be helped with medication but situational will also benefit from counseling and just talking to people. That being said, finding a medication (or medications) that work for you can be difficult so if you go that route, keep at it.

    Also, at least for me, depression and being in a relationship has a rather soul crushing dynamic. My ex of roughly 1.5 years ago was a terrible GF. I'll spare the details but I can objectively say she was pretty bad. However, I was never happier in our shitty, barely there relationship. Meds never came close and that makes you obsess over it. As you can see, I haven't exactly figured it out yet.

    What I can say is get yourself on stable ground by any means necessary. Trust me, I know super well how horrible the loneliness is and how things just don't feel right but being happy only through someone else is just not a great way to live your life.

    Hope that helps.

    Magus` on
  • xAlibearxxAlibearx Registered User new member
    I know I'm depressed that's something I can manage I've been depressed for many years. I don't like talking about with my friends because it's obviously a very depressing topic and people don't view me as a very serious person so whenever I say something about it it makes both people uncomfortable.

    But my main issuyis im having problems with relationships. I keep on going for guys who I know don't care much about me as a person and regecting the ones I know have more pure intentions.

    I think I'm scared to be cheated on and care for somebody and open up. I just don't know how to get over it. Now the thought of being in a healthy relationship scares me.

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