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One Night Stand
Grundlterror
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, if you read my other thread, I fooled around with a girl at a party the other day. First time I've ever done anything like this, I've been taking time off since my last relationship (year and a half) and I'm only 22... so I'm kind of lost with how I should deal with this.
Basically, I hooked up with this girl and I've been thinking about it a lot. I'm not 100% into the girl (where I would want a committed relationship sometime in the future) but about 80% into her... I really like her, but with my crazy schedule I can't really dedicate the time to her to live up to her (assumed) expectations of a boyfriend. Plus, I don't know if I even want that in this point in time.
I talked to my friend who threw the party today and got her number. We hadn't exchanged numbers, it wasn't awkward or anything we just woke up... got dressed... and encountered my friends who threw the party (and it was pretty obvious by the couch cushions all over the room and clothes scattered throughout what had happened). But we talked for a while, and then I said I'm gonna go (I had to take care of something) and that I was sure I would see them all again.
According to my friend who threw the party she hung out with them all day and they repeatedly tried to find out what happened, and she just called them assholes and laughed. I told my friend that this was strange territory for me (when asking for her number) and she said it was probably strange territory for her too.
However, there is one twist. She has a three year old kid (shes 23, almost 24). At first this kind of raised alarms with me, but the more I think about it the less it matters. I've already determined I'm not going to pursue a committed relationship with her, but I would really like to date her (I really don't know what the difference is, but I feel if things aren't working out... it would be easier to end it).
I've been thinking about calling her (thus, getting her number) but I've been wondering a few things.
First of all, what if she isn't interested? From the way she acted after we woke up, it really didn't seem like a drunken mistake on her part or anything. And her friend said it was probably strange territory for her too (but she has only known her since the beginning of the year).
Also, what should I be feeling about this child she has? (I know none of you can tell me what I should be feeling). I mean, at this point in my life any girl I have sex with is going to have had sex with someone else. Sometimes people make bad decisions, I know I have. It doesn't really bother me all that much, but I've been talking about what I should do with some good friends and some of them think that is a problem, and some think it is not one at all. Should I hold this against this girl? (I know this is a stupid question, but I really want some input on this).
And finally, is this worth pursuing for me? I'm not going to lie, I miss having a girl and the night we shared was unbelievably awesome.
I don't know what I'm looking for here... maybe some similar experiences... maybe what to say to her when I do call her... or maybe some sense talked into my head.
tl;dr - I'm thinking a lot about a one night stand I've had... wondering if I can make something of it with this girl... she has a kid and thats kind of freaking me out but not to much.. what should i do???
Basically, I hooked up with this girl and I've been thinking about it a lot. I'm not 100% into the girl (where I would want a committed relationship sometime in the future) but about 80% into her... I really like her, but with my crazy schedule I can't really dedicate the time to her to live up to her (assumed) expectations of a boyfriend. Plus, I don't know if I even want that in this point in time.
I talked to my friend who threw the party today and got her number. We hadn't exchanged numbers, it wasn't awkward or anything we just woke up... got dressed... and encountered my friends who threw the party (and it was pretty obvious by the couch cushions all over the room and clothes scattered throughout what had happened). But we talked for a while, and then I said I'm gonna go (I had to take care of something) and that I was sure I would see them all again.
According to my friend who threw the party she hung out with them all day and they repeatedly tried to find out what happened, and she just called them assholes and laughed. I told my friend that this was strange territory for me (when asking for her number) and she said it was probably strange territory for her too.
However, there is one twist. She has a three year old kid (shes 23, almost 24). At first this kind of raised alarms with me, but the more I think about it the less it matters. I've already determined I'm not going to pursue a committed relationship with her, but I would really like to date her (I really don't know what the difference is, but I feel if things aren't working out... it would be easier to end it).
I've been thinking about calling her (thus, getting her number) but I've been wondering a few things.
First of all, what if she isn't interested? From the way she acted after we woke up, it really didn't seem like a drunken mistake on her part or anything. And her friend said it was probably strange territory for her too (but she has only known her since the beginning of the year).
Also, what should I be feeling about this child she has? (I know none of you can tell me what I should be feeling). I mean, at this point in my life any girl I have sex with is going to have had sex with someone else. Sometimes people make bad decisions, I know I have. It doesn't really bother me all that much, but I've been talking about what I should do with some good friends and some of them think that is a problem, and some think it is not one at all. Should I hold this against this girl? (I know this is a stupid question, but I really want some input on this).
And finally, is this worth pursuing for me? I'm not going to lie, I miss having a girl and the night we shared was unbelievably awesome.
I don't know what I'm looking for here... maybe some similar experiences... maybe what to say to her when I do call her... or maybe some sense talked into my head.
tl;dr - I'm thinking a lot about a one night stand I've had... wondering if I can make something of it with this girl... she has a kid and thats kind of freaking me out but not to much.. what should i do???
Grundlterror on
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That was stupid. There's no reason in the world to be intimidated by somebody a foot shorter than you.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Friends kids (especially since you want a comitment free relationship at the moment) are the fucking best. You get to play with them as much as you want, play with cars, build sandcastles all kinds of totally awesome stuff. And as soon as they stub a toe you totally handball it off to their mother cause they are heaps better at stopping their little kid at crying than you are.
Satans..... hints.....
Exactly.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
So was this girl! And I think thats the biggest draw to her for me.
Getting into the "maybe too personal" zone... I really like girls that bite and scratch and she did both. As well as some tricks I've never seen before. I think the most awesome thing was after we were done I went outside to smoke a cigarette and she said "You just had sex with me, you dirty boy" and then bit me. Is it wrong that this sent me over the edge? I liked it
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Point taken!!
That being said, yes, it is possible to casually date a single mother just fine. It is more complicated, and you really are the only one who can decide if you're up to it.
Bonding with her kid is the absolute last thing on my mind. Like I said, I'm not really into kids all that much... and if this starts turning into that kind of thing I'm going to end it immediately. I'm pretty stubborn on that point.
Edit: And this kid is 3... is that really old enough to start a bonding relationship with anyone? Not that I'm worried at all, because as far I'm concerned that is not going to happen.
Well, if you're so anti-kid, don't persue this woman -because there will be a kid involved-.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a child nazi. If she needs to attend to her kid because it is her responsibility, I understand. Just like when I left the morning after I had a responsibility (dogs) to attend to. I just really don't want to spend quality time with her and her son... just her. Is it impossible for her to seperate the two relationships? She didn't mention the child (I found out from my friend) so I assume she doesn't want me to be her new baby daddy. And if she does, shes making my decision easy.
I'm not going to shrivel up and die being in it's proximity... I would just rather avoid the issue (if this is even a possibility) all together.
So unless you're intending to actually persue marriage with this woman and raise a family, don't even bother if you don't want to deal with kids. Go find a woman that isn't interested in having kids.
So basically... unless I want to get into a marriage I can never date a girl that has a child? That doesn't sound reasonable to me.
Think about it the other way. This girl made a mistake. She had a child and now she's a single mother. Every person she has even a fleeting interest is now a prospective father to her child? Thats kind of retarded.
I was "the kid" (and two other of us) in this scenario. Moms don't view their kids as mistakes. They love their kids and if they are dating men, they're looking to give the kids a father figure in addition to the usual love. She's probably already run her mental checklist on "dad material" on you.
Even though she only dated a couple guys before she found our stepdad, we knew of them and actively rejected them. This kid is old enough to know who you are and form an opinion of you.
I mean you could always have her come pick you up for a date, or you two seperate go out to a date location, but once you go near her house/apartment, which you will eventually, you're gonna have to meet the kid.
Sorry man, I didn't realize this was a personal thing with you. And I didn't mean that her child was a mistake in the way that she would have rather not have had him. She obviously DID want to have him, otherwise there are ways to stop that.
I'm just saying because a woman has a child and I'm not that into children (yet) doesn't mean I should avoid her. I just don't want children myself YET at this point in life. And just because she has a child doesn't mean she should limit her dating experience to "who will make the best father for my child." Do you disagree with that?
Yes, it's perfectly possible to seperate the two, it depends on what type of person she is. My ex was looking for someone to be a part of the family and whilst she didn't introduce me to the kids straight away, she did a bit too soon, one was 3 and one was 6 and yes the 3 year old is young enough to bond (she loves me!). We got on well and the kids did come as a package with her, but that's what she wanted. She's recently started seeing someone else but it's not all that serious so she's kept the kids out of it for now.
We broke up because I felt it wasn't working but we're still good friends, she's in the same social group as I and now it's coming to summer she's often out in the park with us (chucking around a frisbee) and the kids still love me to bits, and I get on with them great. Also since she started seeing someone else, I've occasionally sat for her so she can get out and about to see this new bloke of hers and -not- introduce him to the kids. Getting close to them does not equal being a Father figure.
My casual relationship with the older lass worked fine, in the end it just fizzled out and I wanted something more serious (not with her) and she was fine with that. I never really met her kids (once or twice) but they were always either asleep when I went round or she got a sitter to look after them.
And on a 3rd note, my friend is a single mum with a 5 year old and she is an utter ho
It entirely depends on the person, as long as you're clear you don't want a serious relationship then I'm sure you'll be fine. From what you've said about her, I imagine she'll be cool with that too. Give it a shot, what's the worst that can happen?
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Oculus Rift: Sir_Grinch
She doesn't have to, but there's a very low chance she isn't. Honestly, ask her about it.
PSN: SirGrinchX
Oculus Rift: Sir_Grinch
People often like to get to know a situation for a bit before they go off on making life decisions. It's why condoms aren't legally binding.
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Ya Grund, if she's hot and you know it call her back. Sounds like you're both nice people, so even if you just end up having a nice little chat and nothing else, at least you had the chat. There's no pressure. Take it as it comes.
You already mentioned you don't want a relationship ... so clarify with yourself exactly what it is you are/are not looking for.
Because of that, its just possible she doesn't want to have casual relationships , she might be looking for something more permanant for the sake of stability for the kid and whatnot.
Sorry, but I agree with this. Reasonable or not, that child is (or should be) her number 1 priority, and if you're not prepared to deal with that and be involved, then you shouldn't start anything. There is a difference between a one-night-stand where she satisfied a sexual need and a relationship, where she is likely looking for a lot more. Being a single parent is tough, and she probably doesn't want someone that is going to make it any tougher.
Fuck, the next time you start typing a post in a forum I might read, and it begins with "Kind of weird and unhelpful", and it entails some detail of your sex life, just stop. Close the browser, walk away, and get drunk enough to forget you'd ever intended to make that post. Thanks.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Just call her, see what happens. The kid is her responsibility, and how she deals with it when you are in the picture is also her responsibility. You, nor anybody besides her, is in the position to decide whether she wants to casually date, whether it is responsible to do so with a kid, whether you should meet it, share responsibility, etc. .
Just call her, and find out where it goes. For all you know you end up loving the kid (once exposed, they're like a contagious disease
Been there briefly. First, not going to lie, it's tuff. Second, don't even consider it unless you are totally 100% secure and are quite willing to accept being literally the least important thing in this girl's life, without making it about some flaw in you. Simply, you aren't as important as the other stuff, and you have to be mature and realise that without throwing tantrums (like many people sub - or even post - 25 will do if they feel their partner is ignoring them). Third, linked to second, you must be pretty close to achieving Enlightenment not to get pissed by the extreme difficulty of organising a date or spending the night.
Oh dear god why are you even considering doing this. Seriously, you might as well just ask her why she didn't get rid of it, get a drink thrown at you, and end of problem. Nobody gives a toss whether you think her having a kid at a relatively young age is a good idea, it's nothing to do with you. Opining on it to her or in fact, anyone, is a sure way to never talk to her again. I would almost go so far as to say if you are even thinking that way, you should get out now, except I thought roughly the same thing in my situation, and was uncomfortable about the kid; however, I also realised it was fuck all to do with me, wouldn't consider laying my opinion on her for a second, and we managed to defuse the kid-awkwardness thing by (if I remember right) getting drunk and having a very tasteless conversation about post-natal scars.
To be honest, from your posts about the kid, you probably shouldn't do this. A lot of what you are wondering is what's right for you. It should be what's right for her & child.
Well, yes and no. He is in a precarious situation; it is perfectly OK for him to wonder what is right for himself, considering the potential responsibilities that come with dating a girl who has a child.
But perhaps you are right. He definitely doesn't sound like he is ready for such a thing.
Your mod-troll aside, I said "kind of unhelpful" because I was trying to tell Grundl that I regretted dropping her for that reason. Since this is a relationship/sex thread, and I had experience with the topic, I offered the little bit of personal information I had.
So, let me offer some counter-advice: next time you see one of my posts, just skip it or close your own browser, and don't bother me with this kind of bullshit again. My post was on topic and your attempt to embarrass me with your post here is beyond stupid.
Thanks.
Secret Satan
And hopefully she wouldn't want to get into a relationship with a man who had no interest in her children what so ever, because her kids > you.
But it could be more like the first situation where she is a total skank, doesn't really want a kid and pawns it off on her parents or something so she can "have a life". (And I know quite a few women who are like that) In that case I still think it would be messed up to persue a relationship with her because it would be encouraging her to take away time from her kid.
Guess what I'm trying to say is: Its mean to persue a relationship with someone who has kids, if you are going to have no interest in the kids.
And also: This post gives me a bad impression of the woman you are trying to hook up with, but I know some people are into that kinda stuff. I'm just a total Square I guess.
No, you're not a square. I loathe people that do what you described, and if this woman is like that, then I agree with you. When you have a child, that child is now your responsibility... Period. No exceptions. I don't care if you don't think that is fair, it's even more unfair to that child, who didn't ask to be born. Grow up and be an adult!
(sorry, rambling angry post)
And I'm not like OMG she has a kid, shes damaged property, I need to get out! I am just pondering things, seeing how I feel about this kind of stuff. I've never been in this situation before and I honestly don't know how I feel. I wanted to know how you guys felt. It seems a lot of you think that I should give it a try... but a good number of you think I'm the devil because I don't want to be her baby daddy.
I honestly don't think that her life is now over because she has a child. She has a enormous responsibility now and I realize that I'll always be lower on the priority list. But can she not still date at all?
I also like how everyone is judging her so harshly without even knowing her. I barely know her, but I do know that she rarely gets out at all... it was a rarity that she was at that party. She even mentioned that it was messed up that I had been over to that friends house more than she had, considering she had been hanging out with them longer than I had. If that makes her a skank that doesn't give a fuck about her kid, then I guess she is a skank.
That's not it at all. We don't blame you for not wanting that (hell, I don't want to be a daddy now), we're just saying that, it is very likely that she IS looking for that, as a LOT of single moms date with this idea in mind. Having a one night stand is likely very different in her mind than considering a full relationship and probably is looking at it very much with that in mind, and if you DON'T want to be heavily involved, then it's probably not a good idea to start the relationship, as it may only head to heartache and problems.
If this is referenced at my angry tirade above, I want to say ardently that I was NOT talking about her specifically. I don't know anything about this woman. I was merely responding to the CONCEPT of women who act like Nane was describing. Women who act like that I despise, but I did not mean in ANY way that I thought THIS woman was acting that way. Just wanted to clear that up.
That being said; don't suddenly convince yourself that you are heads over heals with this woman and don't go about stressing over the kid. She hasn't brought the kid up yet but she will if she thinks it is necessary.
I think all of this information is going to make you overthink. Just call her if that's what you want to do. Maybe hang out with her again. She may not return your call, she may not be near as fun sober, or clothed, or a thousand other reasons why you may decide against pursuing anything any farther. And the opposite is true as well.
Relax, do what feels right and decide, you haven't even had a date yet (and the implications of a 'hook-up' are relatively vague). Don't put pressure on yourself or her. Feel it out, but just relax, this may very well turn out to be a non-issue.
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Your OP gave me a bad impression of the situation, and made me think of the many women I know who fit my above discription. I wasn't trying to judge her, but was saying that if what I described was the situation then persuing her was not a good idea.
It sounds like you just need to talk to her and see if she's interested in dating, or what she is looking for.
Edit: My finger slipped and I pressed the post button way before the post was done.
And just for all of you that were concerned about her being at the party while having a child - the daddy takes it every other weekend (except this weekend, they are switching because next weekend is mother's day). I heard the lil guy in the background while she was talking to me.. so at this point it seems like she is being responsible with her kid.
Edit: And I'm not going to lie, I was concerned about that too.
I agree with TheLong on this one - just because she's a single mom doesn't automatically mean she's looking for the next father. Many single moms enjoy having casual relationships too - this may be the perfect opportunity for you to have a more relaxed relationship.
If she reaches the point where she's looking for a father for her kids, she'll tell you - that might be in a few months, or in a few years (assuming you all are still together), but you can worry about life-changing decisions when and if that time comes.