My upcoming webcomic...

jacksonmatthews

I have been lurking about for a long time and I thought I should post one of the strips that I have finished for my upcoming webcomic "Disgruntled Lackeys." Let me know what you think.

NightDragon

"Forbidden

Your client does not have permission to get URL / from this server."

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Just upload the image to Photobucket or something.

Edcrab

Not sure why it's not showing in the forum, but it works fine for the purposes of right-click Save As.

Until he amends his opening post, you can see it here.

jacksonmatthews

fuck. try this....

lyrium

The dog looks really nice, but the people might look better if I knew whether they had torsos or not.

jacksonmatthews

you know, you are the first person to actually call me on that...I was secretly wondering if I should have rendered more of the figures, at least give em hands...but I thought my art is pretty stylized and it wouldnt be an issue. They do have complete bodies however, they aren't some type of ridiculous "rayman" freaks.

Lalilulelo

Hey, it's drawn well. And it's mildly amusing. I think it'd be more effective and to the point, perhaps, if you cut out 2 or 3 of those panels.


This might not be the answer, but to me it feels like there's too much of that 'getting there' feeling with the joke. Because the style seems like, the punchline is in the middle of the comic, and the last panel is just commentary on the punchline not unlike most penny-arcades..
And, yeah, torsos that are contiguous are favorable.

jacksonmatthews

I was mostly concerned with the art for now, if it looked professional enough.
The pacing was an issue, I felt that I needed to establish how oblivious the dog was to its disgusting behavior. I have learned that entertaining comic strips are pretty tough to craft. Shocking revalation, I know.

Judas

I second liking the art; I really like the dog. The way you drew him has a real "Ren and Stimpy" vibe to it. In my view, that's a compliment.

jacksonmatthews

of course it's a compliment to be compared to john kricfalusi! thanks.

Lalilulelo

Pacing is always the hard part. Quick! Make me laugh in 20 seconds!
Ugh. Maybe try another permutation...with the 2nd and 3rd panels cut out. so it's 1,4,5,6

DeeLock

I don't know, i liked it as is.

I actually laughed so :^: :^: :^:

I have a dog like this to.

bread of wonder

I thought the word choice for the last line was weak, but the art is great.

Greatnation

I think this is a great oppurtunity for a Goonies reference.

Aaron Lee

Baby Ruth?

jacksonmatthews

Lalilulelo: I know, it's brutal! but I like the challenge.

DeeLock: Thanks! it seems like people with dogs with similar traits really like this strip, but I am happy that I am not being torn apart for my art.

bread of wonder: you have simultaneously kicked me in the balls and given me a hug, I am so conflicted

Goonies reference? explain.

desperaterobots

I don't think the dog actually warrants the comedy overstatement. It's kinda cute and looks happy. Unless the beard guy's schtick is to be unjustifiably cruel...? The art's nice and expressive and I thought the pacing was spot on but the verbose punchline killed it. EDIT: Even just getting rid of the words "I think" make the punchline stronger and beardy more of a Bernard Blackesque bastard.

jacksonmatthews

I had to google bernard black, but after reading up, it seems you have found an appropriately analogous characer to "beardy". I wouldn't consider him cruel for hating the dog with words, now if he hated the dog with a baseball bat, I think that would be sort of cruel

squidbunny

I think hilarious writing trumps good art, personally, but if you're just worried about art for the moment I'd have to say :^:

jacksonmatthews

I agree about the writing vs. art issue...just look at cyanide and happiness. I have what I would consider stronger jokes that I am finishing right now, but I just wanted to do a complete strip to establish a process and template for myself. Thanks for the feedback.

Hellbound 17 1/2

Lalilulelo wrote: »

Hey, it's drawn well. And it's mildly amusing. I think it'd be more effective and to the point, perhaps, if you cut out 2 or 3 of those panels.

I agree. I think the 4 panel version works a lot better. Especially for comics with short punch lines like this, I think that telling the story in a fewer panels is better. Also, I think the shorter version establishes the grossness (<-- is that a word?) of the dog a lot better than the first version. The panting is more cute than gross, in my opinion. Though, yeah, I'm not sure if the obliviousness to the behavior is captured in the short version. Hmm. Anyway, hope that helps.

mr0range

jacksonmatthews wrote: »

Goonies reference? explain.

Your dog looks like Sloth


I think you should take out "I think" as well. It works well and gives a bit more straightforward statement than adding "I think" (heck, take it out of my reply here and you'll get a more direct statement)

I'm not sure if his second word balloon is really needed.

Greatnation

photochop memes are for tools, but i did one anyway

EntrY

I couldn't help myself...

jacksonmatthews

fucking awesome.

core tactic

Static heads bore me.

Not the dog head though, that's pretty cute.