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How do I deal with my brothers being dicks?
Josbee
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I have 3 brothers, a baby brother, a younger brother and an older brother. My younger brother is 8 and is rude as hell. He insults us, randomly scratches us, steals our stuff and gets away with it. He's a horrible example for my baby brother, who is turning into a shorter, dumber version of him. He has attempted to kill our baby brother while he was sleeping through lack of oxygen, has broken countless electronics (PS4s, tablets etc) which results in him having to use mine and break them, and has beaten up our baby brother and yelled at him to the point where the baby thinks this is normal.
Worst part it is, he gets away with this. I am not allowed to close my door, he constantly follows me, I have no headphones, and I'm not allowed to leave the house. He constantly burps and makes loud stupid noises when he loses in Fortnite and screams in our room and has a loud, high-pitched obnoxious voice. If I hit him, he just fake cries intentionally even if it was very light so that I can be punished. When I try to sleep he says dumb things to try to make me laugh or react to get in trouble. My ability to ignore is not very good, so he usually always does get me in trouble for this.
Some more minor things he's done that are dickish but not serious;
1. Hog electronics
2. Insult us (Fat-ass, kill yourself, retard, etc)
3. Yell like a retard and get angry over games
4. Literally cry over games
5. Ask questions and other things over and over to get me angry
6. Blame stuff on us
7. Take our stuff without permission
8. Make my parents think I'm lying
9. Snitch (It does not matter how small, he will do so)
10. Close doors on us and say we did it
11. Act obnoxious in general
And much more.
How do I deal with him? My parents don't care at all, we live in the same house and I'm not old enough to move out.
Worst part it is, he gets away with this. I am not allowed to close my door, he constantly follows me, I have no headphones, and I'm not allowed to leave the house. He constantly burps and makes loud stupid noises when he loses in Fortnite and screams in our room and has a loud, high-pitched obnoxious voice. If I hit him, he just fake cries intentionally even if it was very light so that I can be punished. When I try to sleep he says dumb things to try to make me laugh or react to get in trouble. My ability to ignore is not very good, so he usually always does get me in trouble for this.
Some more minor things he's done that are dickish but not serious;
1. Hog electronics
2. Insult us (Fat-ass, kill yourself, retard, etc)
3. Yell like a retard and get angry over games
4. Literally cry over games
5. Ask questions and other things over and over to get me angry
6. Blame stuff on us
7. Take our stuff without permission
8. Make my parents think I'm lying
9. Snitch (It does not matter how small, he will do so)
10. Close doors on us and say we did it
11. Act obnoxious in general
And much more.
How do I deal with him? My parents don't care at all, we live in the same house and I'm not old enough to move out.
0
Posts
Most of the numbered list is standard boy stuff. Not to say it’s acceptable, but it’s something your parents can and should address.
Do your parents know he is abusing the baby?
Why can’t you close the door to your room or leave the house?
-Indiana Solo, runner of blades
2. They've seen him, but haven't done anything.
3. My parents say it isn't safe.
Some of that is bratty little brother stuff. The thing about physically abusing a baby and acting out with genuine violence is not. You should talk to a teacher you trust, or stop by one of your school administrators offices to express your concern and give them specific examples.
Be aware, in most states (all?) educators are mandatory reporters which means they have to consult with certain agencies regarding suspected abuse or neglect. This isn't a bell you can un-ring so be careful about exaggeration. It's also not something that will have you all instantly swooped up and put in foster care or something, so don't be afraid to talk to someone.
It sounds like neglect and acting out, but you need to talk to an adult professional about this stuff.
Everything else is typical annoying brother behavior. They all do it. Drives ya crazy doesn't it? If you continually complain about it grownups will tune you out when you have something important to say like "He hurt the baby."
Here's what I did to manage my abusive younger sister:
I'm not treating the brother like just a "normal" little brother because that's what everybody said about my sister purely because she was younger. She was abusive. If we'd been twins, or only a year apart, NOBODY would've said it was "typical annoying little sibling" behavior. Because it wasn't. And my parents should've protected me, just like your parents should be protecting you and your baby brother.
My parents tested the "she just wants your attention" thing. It absolutely did not work and just exposed me to more abuse. When a kid's like that they don't want attention. They genuinely believe you deserve to be treated like that and won't stop until somebody makes them.
Also, I just realized I forgot to mention one of the bigger keys to handling abusive younger siblings:
Make sure you've got a really good understanding of your family's rules.
If you know the system better than your brother, you can use it to your advantage. You can make it look like you always follow the rules. I realize that's not appealing to a 13 year old, but believe me, there's a special kind of power that goes with being known as the "good kid." You become trustworthy and aren't watched as closely. And it'll become way harder for your brother to snitch on you & make it out like you're lying and breaking rules. (Personally, I'd advocate becoming a bigger rat than he is. Whenever he does something, get up, and tell your parents. Even if they don't do anything about it. Or just start saying things like, "Hey, I noticed Brother's door was closed so I opened it for you guys." in passing.)
Being the "good kid" also means your teachers and other mandatory reporters will be more likely to take you seriously. If you have a rep for being the quiet good kid who always tries to get good grades, they'll care about you more and want to help. (And it's worth noting, going from A's to suddenly failing the homework & tests is typically seen as a warning sign somethings wrong and can prompt a teacher to ask what's wrong. If done carefully, it won't keep you from passing the class either.)
The best part- knowing the rules makes it easier to retaliate without getting punished. What would your brother find super upsetting, but wouldn't cross the line and get your punished? Do that. Are there any rules your parents feel SO strongly about that they'll punish your brother for breaking them? Can you very subtly set him up to break those rules in front of them without letting anybody know you're doing it deliberately? Do it. (For a few glorious months, my parents had a rule where if a sibling picked on you, you got to decide if they got a time-out or did a chore for you. My sister couldn't go a week without being mean and had a huge phobia of poop. All I had to do was be neutral to my sister, not retaliate, and I could make her spend a weekend scrubbing bird poop.)
Additional tips:
Cregan has excellent advice overall. Being a good, quiet kid whos focused on school does enable you to move around the world at a different level of access than most teens. It's hard to give the advice to a kid to basically toughen up and ride out a bad situation, but you have some pretty limited options. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You should be proud that you were mature enough to seek out advice, and to know you deserve real help.
If your brother focuses on tablets, it might be a good time to think of some analog hobbies that might help you find some space. I assume you aren't allowed to have headphones (that'd be some real shit, if thats the case) But podcasts are a great escape, and I could recommend some light, comedy ones. Otherwise, Generally there aren't a lot of adults who fault a kid for trying to read a book. Anybook. So if you like fantasy, or scifi, or crime fighting or whatever, you can find books you can read to help you escape. I wasn't into a lot of novels, but I did read of books about zen, biographies of interesting people, and art history.
Ask for a white noise maker, or download an app on your tablet, or ask for a giant box fan. It wont drown out your brother when he's in your space, but when he's not in your room it'll help drown out other noise in the house. If you keep it on and learn to sleep with it, you'll eventually not really hear it, but it'll deafen other sounds. This was a big thing for me when I was a kid.
Remember that while everybody deals with annoying siblings, you do do deserve to have some time to yourself and enjoy life.
You could try and simply show them this thread or maybe just write them a letter on what is up.
You won't get the benefits of being the good kid, either. The power of being the "good kid" is derived from people assuming you'd never deliberately break the rules, lie, or do the wrong thing. If they know you're being good to get more leeway, you will not get that leeway.
Also, you'll have to deal with the "Oh my god you broke the sacred silence and aired our dirty laundry in public! You got strangers to think poorly of us!" backlash. Perceived public humiliation makes people VERY defensive, and defensive parents who are totally willing to protect an abusive sibling over the victim tend are prone to lashing out when their poor parenting is brought to light.
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A letter would be safer. But that's easily dismissed as dramatic teenage angst. If you're going for a wake-up call, video of you having to intervene to stop your brother from suffocating your baby brother would be better. Or a highlight reel of everything your brother does. Or a written notebook with the date and rough time your brother behaves abusively. When my sister would not stop verbally abusing one of our baby-sitters, I finally wrote down a list of everything nasty she said to the woman (filled over a page.) It didn't get my parents to stop Gwen from being a verbally abusive monster (the sitter eventually quit because of Gwen,) but it did convince my parents that I wasn't making things up when I told them Gwen was mean to the sitter. (I think the sitter confirmed Gwen did everything on my list.) So I didn't get corrected for lying anymore when I ratted Gwen out.
The thing about "don't air the family's dirty laundry" was and is absolutely a thing in our family, and if I myself had ever come forward with, "my brother almost drowned me" (a thing that actually happened), it would have been downplayed as me being dramatic.
But hey, as a younger child I deeply appreciate you watching out for the health of your baby brother, and I hope you remain that child's ally to the best of your ability. He'll need it.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
That probably should be a first step?
I mean ... Op is 13 year's old. I feel like "tell my parents" has certainly been a strategy he's already tried and found to be unsuccessful, otherwise he wouldn't have needed to come to this forum to ask for advice.
The few times I've come to these forums asking for advice on how to handle my abusive brother, there have always been well-meaning folks who suggest I "just talk to him" as if this is a novel and unconventional thing that never would have occurred to me. It always fills me with blinding rage.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
I'm mostly only curious to know if this, specifically, was reported: what actually happened, and if it got any action.
Because the rest of it sounds like my neighbor's little brother*; but that seems like the difference between a "phase" and one of the darker personality disorders.
(Murphy's Disclaimer: I assume he grew out of it... but we lost touch in middle school, and I realize now that said kid may not have actually turned out right at all.)
I'm not suggesting that at all, Cambiata. I also came from an abusive family and have faced that garbage.
I'm just wondering to what extent and how he has brought this up with his guardians and what their reply was. It will inform what options beyond that (like getting social services, etc. involved) are relevant.
Telling on a brother in the offhand "Mom, X did this!" is a different thing than sitting down with the parents, alone and without distraction, with a prepared list of concerns. If both have been exhausted, its time to escalate. But right now it isn't clear if he has spoken with his parents beyond an offhand shouting situation isolated with each problem.
What?
Things are serious enough that even an offhanded tattle should've provoked a very serious response from OP's parents. If they're ignoring "Brother hit Baby Brother until he cried" and "Brother's suffocating Baby brother" or even just "Brother said he tried to suffocate Baby Brother last night," what makes you think these adults, who's main job is to protect and care for their children, will listen to a thirteen year old sitting them down and calmly telling them his brother is exhibiting an alarming behavioral pattern and they need to act?
Even my parents did something when I "tattled" about Gwen getting physical with Susan.
Also, it's not a 13 year old's job to be the adult, prepare a list of concerns, and calmly discuss his little brother's behavioral problems & what to do about them with his parents. Shouting to draw attention to the alarming behavior as it happens is totally acceptable. His parents are, again, adults with children. They should be able to recognize a pattern without a thirteen year old sitting them down and walking them through how to not suck at parenting. It is not fair to put that on a kid.
Plus the fact that they haven't acted, are heavily pushing the "just ignore it" mantra to the point where OP actually admitted he's not good at it as if he was disclosing a personal fault, and have punished him when he finally snaps after routine targeted harassment, tells me that these people will not react well to a sit down conversation about their son's behavior. Those kinds of conversations are a good way to get yelled at for being disrespectful, telling Mom and Dad how to do their job, etc.
I feel like it might be a good place to remember we aren't the social worker for this family and have one incomplete image painted from the initial forum post to go on. Asking for more information to better help the OP shouldn't be something leading to dog-piling here.
Two people have disagreed with you and blindzendrive.
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There was enough information in the initial post to make pretty solid inferences.
Kids don't decide being insulted and beat on is normal unless an adult or older child indicates it is. Kids cry when they're hurt and seek comfort. If the baby brother thinks the way he's treated is normal, that means somebody responsible repeatedly normalized the brother's behavior. Likely the people he sought comfort from.
Normalization is further backed up by the fact that OP is not allowed to shut his door to escape from his brother, and that when the brother breaks his electronics he 'has' to use OPs (which the brother then breaks.) Op's parents made that open door rule and enforce it regularly enough that the brother can get OP punished by shutting his door & tattling. Op's parents are the ones requiring he hand over electronics to his brother. There is no way this became a thing without some kind of conversation taking place about why OP is shutting his door or upset about loaning his electronics to his little brother.
We are certainly not social workers (most of us) but I think sharing tips for getting by are fine and don't require a degree or special training. It's important to discuss reporting but just as important to discuss survival for the mean time, because often even in the worst situations the process can be painfully slow.
I think this is one of those times we can assume that no one here so far is looking to do damage to the situation and we can be a little more charitable when reading each other's posts. No one has been dogpiled. We also don't want to speak for the OP, no matter how similar their situation to ones we've experienced. Please keep posts to advice and requests for clarification and try not to over-extrapolate, it doesn't help anything.
Personally, I think your absolute best bet at this point is to find a local child advocacy group and explain your situation. More than that is very, very far past the scope of this forum and what kind of advice we can or even should give you in your circumstances. Unless someone here has a number you can call, we're about at the limit of our ability to help.
https://248am.com/mark/information/child-protection-hotline/
https://www.pressreader.com/kuwait/arab-times/20171130/281530816341832
https://www.pressreader.com/kuwait/kuwait-times/20180513/281681140520225
https://www.instagram.com/kncpp/
I cant seem to find an actual website for them, aside from the instagram page. Not sure how much that will help but as Ceres stated above we don't have much info on how any of that would work in Kuwait.
Appearing to be the "good child" and follow the rules is very important. Recording confrontations and learning how to come off as the victim are even more important.
You also need to think about if your parents are gonna help finance you going to college/university. Because that determines whether or not you want to focus on laying low and surviving within your family system, or getting a job and doing everything to get the hell out as soon as possible. (College can be a very useful tool to getting out, but means your parents have a degree of control over you still.)
Also, if you don't already know, private browsing is an extremely useful survival tool. Also, knowing how to delete your internet history. And how you should never save your passwords to social media anywhere or make them something easy for people to guess. You don't want to leave any information out that could set somebody off.
0431-6094-6446-7088