I feel like there should be no questions asked when anyone wants to change their name for any reason
I suspect most of the laws were written when one of the primary reasons for changing a name would've been, like, dodging debts or crimes. And were probably written before social security numbers were a thing, let alone the internet.
And now you get half of dealing with old laws written for entirely different scenarios, and half probably people intentionally using them to make people's lives difficult.
I feel like there should be no questions asked when anyone wants to change their name for any reason
I suspect most of the laws were written when one of the primary reasons for changing a name would've been, like, dodging debts or crimes. And were probably written before social security numbers were a thing, let alone the internet.
And now you get half of dealing with old laws written for entirely different scenarios, and half probably people intentionally using them to make people's lives difficult.
We don't even have social security numbers here fyi, but I believe the reason you have to write a 'detailed reason' is basically their way of ensuring you actually put some thought into it since you can only do it once per year.
The fee is just admin costs or something bullshit I'm sure. It's not as much as I expected but still enough to be a pain in the arse.
Ok, I wrote back to my best friend re her email about disclosing my 'death name' and getting called out on it by a trans acquaintance. Kinda rambling thoughts but they might be of interest. I would like to hear any more coherent statements on how people feel, because my thoughts are obviously fragmentary.
Hahahaha ok so first of all the term of art here is deadname, not 'death name', although obviously the latter is about a million times more metal and made me laugh out loud because it's just actually charming that you looked it up and that's what stuck with you. Called deadname cause the concept is that the name is buried, no longer in use. I don't think you can claim that 100% of trans people want anything, just as you can't really make any claim about 100% of any demographic, but every single trans person I've talked to takes great pains to not tell other people their former name. The why of it is multifaceted; I think the main reason is that you feel that the person who knows your old name is going to naturally think of you as such, thus negating all of your hard work on getting a sex change and trying every day to look like something you weren't born as? And also you just don't want to be called that; it feels disrespectful and but separately just kind of makes you cringe (but why? I don't know; it feels wrong, though). I guess...yeah, I can't help feeling that someone who knows my old name would put me in their mind as [old name] rather than [new name], and they'd always be a quick conversational misstep away from using the wrong name, and that does feel pretty viscerally bad--not sure why. Names have power, as every fantasy book wants to let you know.
You'll note I don't really use the term deadname, just old name and new name; I can imagine maybe using that term in the future, but I haven't changed my name legally yet, so I'm in a weird situation where at work and with people I use the name [], but that isn't the name on my driver's license or bank account. I do think I'd rather not have other people know what name I previously used--or at least, I want to be able to control that information. Doesn't really seem like it's something that someone who hasn't met me should know. I don't know why I feel that way; it sort of seems like that would give them blackmail material? That doesn't really make sense, but that's my emotional intuition. I have to say, as far as I can tell, no cis person in the universe has any instinct for this concept. At work people are constantly asking me what my name used to be/what my legal name is, and I tell them and then say something like "but for future reference, it's definitely a faux pas in the trans community to ask..." and just leave it at that. Maybe in the future I won't tell people? Because it always makes me feel slightly bad when I do say. I think...well, I just would like people to be able to accept who I am without making a big deal of it, so poking around into like, oh but what's your *real* name, not that anyone's saying that, but it almost feels like they're saying that--what's your *real* name, you deceptive person who wants me to patronize this lie you're telling everyone. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not offended, obviously. But it's definitely bad manners. Who knew there was trans-specific etiquette, heh.
Steam, LoL: credeiki
+12
Options
Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
Good news: turns out my supervisor has a trans kid! He realized I was trans when my legal name and gender marker don't match when I put down for my preferred name and gender marker. He wanted to give me a message of support this morning, which was really nice.
Bad news: he misgendered his kid and made me confused about pronouns. Like he started out using one set of pronouns then switched back and forth several times. I literally had to ask outright for the correct pronouns. (He/him btw).
Ok, I wrote back to my best friend re her email about disclosing my 'death name' and getting called out on it by a trans acquaintance. Kinda rambling thoughts but they might be of interest. I would like to hear any more coherent statements on how people feel, because my thoughts are obviously fragmentary.
Hahahaha ok so first of all the term of art here is deadname, not 'death name', although obviously the latter is about a million times more metal and made me laugh out loud because it's just actually charming that you looked it up and that's what stuck with you. Called deadname cause the concept is that the name is buried, no longer in use. I don't think you can claim that 100% of trans people want anything, just as you can't really make any claim about 100% of any demographic, but every single trans person I've talked to takes great pains to not tell other people their former name. The why of it is multifaceted; I think the main reason is that you feel that the person who knows your old name is going to naturally think of you as such, thus negating all of your hard work on getting a sex change and trying every day to look like something you weren't born as? And also you just don't want to be called that; it feels disrespectful and but separately just kind of makes you cringe (but why? I don't know; it feels wrong, though). I guess...yeah, I can't help feeling that someone who knows my old name would put me in their mind as [old name] rather than [new name], and they'd always be a quick conversational misstep away from using the wrong name, and that does feel pretty viscerally bad--not sure why. Names have power, as every fantasy book wants to let you know.
You'll note I don't really use the term deadname, just old name and new name; I can imagine maybe using that term in the future, but I haven't changed my name legally yet, so I'm in a weird situation where at work and with people I use the name [], but that isn't the name on my driver's license or bank account. I do think I'd rather not have other people know what name I previously used--or at least, I want to be able to control that information. Doesn't really seem like it's something that someone who hasn't met me should know. I don't know why I feel that way; it sort of seems like that would give them blackmail material? That doesn't really make sense, but that's my emotional intuition. I have to say, as far as I can tell, no cis person in the universe has any instinct for this concept. At work people are constantly asking me what my name used to be/what my legal name is, and I tell them and then say something like "but for future reference, it's definitely a faux pas in the trans community to ask..." and just leave it at that. Maybe in the future I won't tell people? Because it always makes me feel slightly bad when I do say. I think...well, I just would like people to be able to accept who I am without making a big deal of it, so poking around into like, oh but what's your *real* name, not that anyone's saying that, but it almost feels like they're saying that--what's your *real* name, you deceptive person who wants me to patronize this lie you're telling everyone. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not offended, obviously. But it's definitely bad manners. Who knew there was trans-specific etiquette, heh.
This feels like the kind of question that it's ok to ignore the first time it's asked, and quietly and flatly say "none of your business" to any further repetitions. You don't have to defend not wanting to give out personal information, especially if the asker has no legitimate reason to want it.
+2
Options
Erin The RedThe Name's Erin! Woman, Podcaster, Dungeon Master, IT nerd, Parent, Trans. AMABaton Rouge, LARegistered Userregular
Metzger MeisterIt Gets Worsebefore it gets any better.Registered Userregular
Down at the DSHS office and there's this couple of ladies here with their baby and she is just so precious I could die, she's like 6 months maybe, beautiful little black girl just all smiles and she keeps looking at me over her mom's shoulder and laughing and it's making a stressful day a lot better
This feels like the kind of question that it's ok to ignore the first time it's asked, and quietly and flatly say "none of your business" to any further repetitions. You don't have to defend not wanting to give out personal information, especially if the asker has no legitimate reason to want it.
I know this isn't anything anyone in this thread doesn't already know, but this is for the folks who have the same doubting little voice in the back of their head that I do in social matters. Misnaming you once might be an honest mistake, but the second time and beyond is always, always enemy action.
I understand the sentiment but you cannot antagonize every cis person you meet and some people tend to be extremely vindicative
It is ridiculous to assume a second misgendering is full of malintent. I still have, on rare occasion, signed with my deadname despite having legally changed my name like four months ago. Habits are hard to break!
Now, this isn’t to say you have to let shit slide. It’s very much a pick your battles thing, but you can level with people and say “yo, I know you’re trying but it’s been x months and you’re still messing up.”
It's difficult for me to understand the psychology of someone who asks a trans person for their deadname
It's also making me feel like those people think that one is putting on an act, like a drag queen/king
Honestly I get it; it’s thoughtless but names are inherently kinda interesting so it makes sense to ask just out of curiosity, like ooh I want to know if you decided to change to just the opposite sex version of your old name or something completely different or what. The part where I read an accusation into it is largely me projecting my insecurities and hangups onto what is often a completely innocent (albeit thoughtless+inconsiderate, in that the asker hasn’t paused to guess how their interlocutor might feel about being asked) question.
I don't want a name which has an opposite sex form for that reason
My chosen name 1. Has an opposite sex version 2. Is sort of unisex/can be a nickname for the girl version 3. Has nothing to do with my given name except for the same general vowel sounds
Dunno if that was the best choice but I’m definitely growing to like it and feel good about it
...fuckkkk who wants to do my name change paperwork for me; I hate paperwork (yesyes everyone hates paperwork and I do not have any sort of disability or material issue that would cause me to not be able to do it; I’m just so lazy)
I told myself I had three big things in my life I have to do before I have any other projects, which were to get a tattoo, change my name, and get a cat. I have now made an appointment (first of many) to get a tattoo, so now I can’t procrastinate any more on the name thing, huh...
(Odds that three months from now I have a kitten but have not changed my name: medium)
It took me months after deciding "it's time to legally change this" before I actually did it.
0
Options
Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
Whereas I 'legally' changed my name months ago but am still going by my old name with my family. Which is probably weird? And I'm starting to hate it. I need to ask them to switch but even though they are cool and supportive of me transitioning I am still anxious to ask them to use my new name. What's the deal with that.
0
Options
Erin The RedThe Name's Erin! Woman, Podcaster, Dungeon Master, IT nerd, Parent, Trans. AMABaton Rouge, LARegistered Userregular
Whereas I 'legally' changed my name months ago but am still going by my old name with my family. Which is probably weird? And I'm starting to hate it. I need to ask them to switch but even though they are cool and supportive of me transitioning I am still anxious to ask them to use my new name. What's the deal with that.
I always operate on the "what if" branch of thinking
Yeah sure they were cool but WHAT IF now when it comes time for the actual change, they refuse?
Etc. Etc.
It's the result of panic brain. They seem like they took to things pretty well so I'd say have some faith and give it a go? Whenever is comfortable with you
Whereas I 'legally' changed my name months ago but am still going by my old name with my family. Which is probably weird? And I'm starting to hate it. I need to ask them to switch but even though they are cool and supportive of me transitioning I am still anxious to ask them to use my new name. What's the deal with that.
I always operate on the "what if" branch of thinking
Yeah sure they were cool but WHAT IF now when it comes time for the actual change, they refuse?
Etc. Etc.
It's the result of panic brain. They seem like they took to things pretty well so I'd say have some faith and give it a go? Whenever is comfortable with you
Ever since @usagi did a post on this it's been a real game changer for when I get overwhelmed with anxiety
Try to keep it in your back pocket for when you get those thoughts, it really works!
Whereas I 'legally' changed my name months ago but am still going by my old name with my family. Which is probably weird? And I'm starting to hate it. I need to ask them to switch but even though they are cool and supportive of me transitioning I am still anxious to ask them to use my new name. What's the deal with that.
well, it's naturally awkward to ask and weird when your own feelings are still sort of mixed.
But to give an outside read: given what you've said on your situation, I am guessing that your family will be cool with it and will only fuck it up on accident and not maliciously, and that your barriers are largely probably based on anxiety (which you seem to be working on by going to a therapist so maybe that will alleviate some time?) Ask them to change! You'll feel better!
I suspect I'll never get my folks to stop calling me by my birth name, but it's just gonna become my middle name so I honestly don't really mind that much. There's a sort of familiar sense when they use my name that I like, sometimes, so it won't be the end of the world. They just have to get used to other people calling me Morgan, haha
+2
Options
Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
Whereas I 'legally' changed my name months ago but am still going by my old name with my family. Which is probably weird? And I'm starting to hate it. I need to ask them to switch but even though they are cool and supportive of me transitioning I am still anxious to ask them to use my new name. What's the deal with that.
I always operate on the "what if" branch of thinking
Yeah sure they were cool but WHAT IF now when it comes time for the actual change, they refuse?
Etc. Etc.
It's the result of panic brain. They seem like they took to things pretty well so I'd say have some faith and give it a go? Whenever is comfortable with you
Ever since usagi did a post on this it's been a real game changer for when I get overwhelmed with anxiety
Try to keep it in your back pocket for when you get those thoughts, it really works!
Okay rad! Here's a recap, with bonus breath exercise as well Requisite IANAD, this is not a brain thread, etc.
...And Then What?
So when your anxiety lizard brain is telling you What If (something)? and you start down the never ending chain of worry, you stop yourself by recognizing you're doing a What If and then using your rational brain to logically follow the chain and refute the things your anxiety brain is telling you. Example!
WHAT IF MY FRIEND DOESN'T ACTUALLY LIKE ME?
Okay, if they don't like me, then what happens?
THEY STOP TALKING TO ME?
...and then what?
THEN I'M SAD.
...and then what?
...AND THEN I SPEND TIME WITH OTHER FRIENDS/MAKE NEW ONES/GO EAT ICE CREAM/ETC.
The idea here is that generally if you give yourself 3-5 "...and then whats", and things aren't on fire (figuratively or literally) then you as a human adult can almost certainly deal with the situation. It might not be pleasant, you might be sad or angry or whatever for a while, but you'll be okay.
You do have to stop yourself consciously, I give myself 3 "...and then whats", before deciding to redirect my brain away from What If and into "I'm okay".
So, how do you redirect your brain?
4-7-8 Breathing
Have you ever wanted to know how to reset your amygdala from fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode? Here's a neato trick!
Inhale through your nose deeply for a count of 4. Hold your breath for a count of 7. Exhale for a count of 8. Do as many cycles as you like, but stop if you get lightheaded.
The combination of mindfully counting your breathing (meditation/distraction technique) and breathing deeply (woo oxygen) inhibits amygdala activation and lets all that adrenaline and cortisol dissipate. If you're a data nerd like me (thanks fitbit), you can literally watch your heartrate slow while you do this.
Hm my everyday colleague and collaborator is having a really hard time with my pronouns; sometimes she just decides to use my name cause that’s easier, and the rest of the time it’s “she...he” (self-correct) or at very best “...he” (self-policing before arriving at the right answer)
Which...I mean, it doesn’t require action on my part; she gets what the deal is and is trying to talk correctly. But it’s also a clear sign to me that my presentation just *completely* doesn’t work.
I need a beard >:[
Or I need to stop talking and acting like a friendly millennial girl but ehhh
Steam, LoL: credeiki
0
Options
Donovan PuppyfuckerA dagger in the dark isworth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered Userregular
I feel like there should be no questions asked when anyone wants to change their name for any reason
I suspect most of the laws were written when one of the primary reasons for changing a name would've been, like, dodging debts or crimes. And were probably written before social security numbers were a thing, let alone the internet.
And now you get half of dealing with old laws written for entirely different scenarios, and half probably people intentionally using them to make people's lives difficult.
We don't even have social security numbers here fyi,
Hm my everyday colleague and collaborator is having a really hard time with my pronouns; sometimes she just decides to use my name cause that’s easier, and the rest of the time it’s “she...he” (self-correct) or at very best “...he” (self-policing before arriving at the right answer)
Which...I mean, it doesn’t require action on my part; she gets what the deal is and is trying to talk correctly. But it’s also a clear sign to me that my presentation just *completely* doesn’t work.
I need a beard >:[
Or I need to stop talking and acting like a friendly millennial girl but ehhh
I wouldn’t take responsibility on your self, it’s probably just that her mental mapping is off. I too, look forward to you joining the beard club however. Beards are good.
+14
Options
Erin The RedThe Name's Erin! Woman, Podcaster, Dungeon Master, IT nerd, Parent, Trans. AMABaton Rouge, LARegistered Userregular
Hm my everyday colleague and collaborator is having a really hard time with my pronouns; sometimes she just decides to use my name cause that’s easier, and the rest of the time it’s “she...he” (self-correct) or at very best “...he” (self-policing before arriving at the right answer)
Which...I mean, it doesn’t require action on my part; she gets what the deal is and is trying to talk correctly. But it’s also a clear sign to me that my presentation just *completely* doesn’t work.
I need a beard >:[
Or I need to stop talking and acting like a friendly millennial girl but ehhh
I wouldn’t take responsibility on your self, it’s probably just that her mental mapping is off. I too, look forward to you joining the beard club however. Beards are good.
Never have a cold face again!
Keep snacks for future enjoyment!
House local wildlife!
Hm my everyday colleague and collaborator is having a really hard time with my pronouns; sometimes she just decides to use my name cause that’s easier, and the rest of the time it’s “she...he” (self-correct) or at very best “...he” (self-policing before arriving at the right answer)
Which...I mean, it doesn’t require action on my part; she gets what the deal is and is trying to talk correctly. But it’s also a clear sign to me that my presentation just *completely* doesn’t work.
I need a beard >:[
Or I need to stop talking and acting like a friendly millennial girl but ehhh
I wouldn’t take responsibility on your self, it’s probably just that her mental mapping is off. I too, look forward to you joining the beard club however. Beards are good.
Never have a cold face again!
Keep snacks for future enjoyment!
House local wildlife!
I may have hated mine and used it as a way to project masculinity but it was pretty majestic.
Seidkona on
Mostly just huntin' monsters.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
Hm my everyday colleague and collaborator is having a really hard time with my pronouns; sometimes she just decides to use my name cause that’s easier, and the rest of the time it’s “she...he” (self-correct) or at very best “...he” (self-policing before arriving at the right answer)
Which...I mean, it doesn’t require action on my part; she gets what the deal is and is trying to talk correctly. But it’s also a clear sign to me that my presentation just *completely* doesn’t work.
I need a beard >:[
Or I need to stop talking and acting like a friendly millennial girl but ehhh
I wouldn’t take responsibility on your self, it’s probably just that her mental mapping is off. I too, look forward to you joining the beard club however. Beards are good.
I wonder if it’ll ever be possible. Men on both sides of my family have good beards (and are not bald) but I cannot count on any of that actually working for me, so I’m not going to particularly anticipate it happening. Maybe 5 years from now; maybe never. I’ll be sad if it’s never, but what can you do.
Hm my everyday colleague and collaborator is having a really hard time with my pronouns; sometimes she just decides to use my name cause that’s easier, and the rest of the time it’s “she...he” (self-correct) or at very best “...he” (self-policing before arriving at the right answer)
Which...I mean, it doesn’t require action on my part; she gets what the deal is and is trying to talk correctly. But it’s also a clear sign to me that my presentation just *completely* doesn’t work.
I need a beard >:[
Or I need to stop talking and acting like a friendly millennial girl but ehhh
I wouldn’t take responsibility on your self, it’s probably just that her mental mapping is off. I too, look forward to you joining the beard club however. Beards are good.
I wonder if it’ll ever be possible. Men on both sides of my family have good beards (and are not bald) but I cannot count on any of that actually working for me, so I’m not going to particularly anticipate it happening. Maybe 5 years from now; maybe never. I’ll be sad if it’s never, but what can you do.
I suspect that even if you don't get the full lumberjack (most people don't) you'll be able to grow some kind of facial hair that you can extract some joy out of. It's one of the reasons that I don't like beard-shaming: beards are a lot of fun and unique to each individual and people should be encouraged to enjoy the individualities of their appearance.
Posts
I suspect most of the laws were written when one of the primary reasons for changing a name would've been, like, dodging debts or crimes. And were probably written before social security numbers were a thing, let alone the internet.
And now you get half of dealing with old laws written for entirely different scenarios, and half probably people intentionally using them to make people's lives difficult.
We don't even have social security numbers here fyi, but I believe the reason you have to write a 'detailed reason' is basically their way of ensuring you actually put some thought into it since you can only do it once per year.
The fee is just admin costs or something bullshit I'm sure. It's not as much as I expected but still enough to be a pain in the arse.
A good response.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
You'll note I don't really use the term deadname, just old name and new name; I can imagine maybe using that term in the future, but I haven't changed my name legally yet, so I'm in a weird situation where at work and with people I use the name [], but that isn't the name on my driver's license or bank account. I do think I'd rather not have other people know what name I previously used--or at least, I want to be able to control that information. Doesn't really seem like it's something that someone who hasn't met me should know. I don't know why I feel that way; it sort of seems like that would give them blackmail material? That doesn't really make sense, but that's my emotional intuition. I have to say, as far as I can tell, no cis person in the universe has any instinct for this concept. At work people are constantly asking me what my name used to be/what my legal name is, and I tell them and then say something like "but for future reference, it's definitely a faux pas in the trans community to ask..." and just leave it at that. Maybe in the future I won't tell people? Because it always makes me feel slightly bad when I do say. I think...well, I just would like people to be able to accept who I am without making a big deal of it, so poking around into like, oh but what's your *real* name, not that anyone's saying that, but it almost feels like they're saying that--what's your *real* name, you deceptive person who wants me to patronize this lie you're telling everyone. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not offended, obviously. But it's definitely bad manners. Who knew there was trans-specific etiquette, heh.
Thank god I'm not the only one who sort of feels like this
It's also making me feel like those people think that one is putting on an act, like a drag queen/king
That is definitely what those people think. In their eyes, anyone who's not cishet is just pretending.
Bad news: he misgendered his kid and made me confused about pronouns. Like he started out using one set of pronouns then switched back and forth several times. I literally had to ask outright for the correct pronouns. (He/him btw).
Come on man, you're almost there!
This feels like the kind of question that it's ok to ignore the first time it's asked, and quietly and flatly say "none of your business" to any further repetitions. You don't have to defend not wanting to give out personal information, especially if the asker has no legitimate reason to want it.
Baby steps. Whatever tears and pulling and stomping my feet and talking people down are needed.
I understand the sentiment but you cannot antagonize every cis person you meet and some people tend to be extremely vindicative
Now, this isn’t to say you have to let shit slide. It’s very much a pick your battles thing, but you can level with people and say “yo, I know you’re trying but it’s been x months and you’re still messing up.”
Honestly I get it; it’s thoughtless but names are inherently kinda interesting so it makes sense to ask just out of curiosity, like ooh I want to know if you decided to change to just the opposite sex version of your old name or something completely different or what. The part where I read an accusation into it is largely me projecting my insecurities and hangups onto what is often a completely innocent (albeit thoughtless+inconsiderate, in that the asker hasn’t paused to guess how their interlocutor might feel about being asked) question.
I find origins of self-chosen names rather interesting
My chosen name 1. Has an opposite sex version 2. Is sort of unisex/can be a nickname for the girl version 3. Has nothing to do with my given name except for the same general vowel sounds
Dunno if that was the best choice but I’m definitely growing to like it and feel good about it
...fuckkkk who wants to do my name change paperwork for me; I hate paperwork (yesyes everyone hates paperwork and I do not have any sort of disability or material issue that would cause me to not be able to do it; I’m just so lazy)
I told myself I had three big things in my life I have to do before I have any other projects, which were to get a tattoo, change my name, and get a cat. I have now made an appointment (first of many) to get a tattoo, so now I can’t procrastinate any more on the name thing, huh...
(Odds that three months from now I have a kitten but have not changed my name: medium)
I always operate on the "what if" branch of thinking
Yeah sure they were cool but WHAT IF now when it comes time for the actual change, they refuse?
Etc. Etc.
It's the result of panic brain. They seem like they took to things pretty well so I'd say have some faith and give it a go? Whenever is comfortable with you
Ever since @usagi did a post on this it's been a real game changer for when I get overwhelmed with anxiety
Try to keep it in your back pocket for when you get those thoughts, it really works!
3DS Friend Code: 0216-0898-6512
Switch Friend Code: SW-7437-1538-7786
I am lazy and don't want to go downtown.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
well, it's naturally awkward to ask and weird when your own feelings are still sort of mixed.
But to give an outside read: given what you've said on your situation, I am guessing that your family will be cool with it and will only fuck it up on accident and not maliciously, and that your barriers are largely probably based on anxiety (which you seem to be working on by going to a therapist so maybe that will alleviate some time?) Ask them to change! You'll feel better!
Do you happen to have a link to this post?
It was!! It's one of my favourite little methods to try and tackle anxiety and depression!
3DS Friend Code: 0216-0898-6512
Switch Friend Code: SW-7437-1538-7786
...And Then What?
So when your anxiety lizard brain is telling you What If (something)? and you start down the never ending chain of worry, you stop yourself by recognizing you're doing a What If and then using your rational brain to logically follow the chain and refute the things your anxiety brain is telling you. Example!
WHAT IF MY FRIEND DOESN'T ACTUALLY LIKE ME?
Okay, if they don't like me, then what happens?
THEY STOP TALKING TO ME?
...and then what?
THEN I'M SAD.
...and then what?
...AND THEN I SPEND TIME WITH OTHER FRIENDS/MAKE NEW ONES/GO EAT ICE CREAM/ETC.
The idea here is that generally if you give yourself 3-5 "...and then whats", and things aren't on fire (figuratively or literally) then you as a human adult can almost certainly deal with the situation. It might not be pleasant, you might be sad or angry or whatever for a while, but you'll be okay.
You do have to stop yourself consciously, I give myself 3 "...and then whats", before deciding to redirect my brain away from What If and into "I'm okay".
So, how do you redirect your brain?
4-7-8 Breathing
Have you ever wanted to know how to reset your amygdala from fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode? Here's a neato trick!
Inhale through your nose deeply for a count of 4. Hold your breath for a count of 7. Exhale for a count of 8. Do as many cycles as you like, but stop if you get lightheaded.
The combination of mindfully counting your breathing (meditation/distraction technique) and breathing deeply (woo oxygen) inhibits amygdala activation and lets all that adrenaline and cortisol dissipate. If you're a data nerd like me (thanks fitbit), you can literally watch your heartrate slow while you do this.
Which...I mean, it doesn’t require action on my part; she gets what the deal is and is trying to talk correctly. But it’s also a clear sign to me that my presentation just *completely* doesn’t work.
I need a beard >:[
Or I need to stop talking and acting like a friendly millennial girl but ehhh
Tax File Number?
I wouldn’t take responsibility on your self, it’s probably just that her mental mapping is off. I too, look forward to you joining the beard club however. Beards are good.
Never have a cold face again!
Keep snacks for future enjoyment!
House local wildlife!
I may have hated mine and used it as a way to project masculinity but it was pretty majestic.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
I wonder if it’ll ever be possible. Men on both sides of my family have good beards (and are not bald) but I cannot count on any of that actually working for me, so I’m not going to particularly anticipate it happening. Maybe 5 years from now; maybe never. I’ll be sad if it’s never, but what can you do.
I suspect that even if you don't get the full lumberjack (most people don't) you'll be able to grow some kind of facial hair that you can extract some joy out of. It's one of the reasons that I don't like beard-shaming: beards are a lot of fun and unique to each individual and people should be encouraged to enjoy the individualities of their appearance.
Just had to explain that, no, It is not about wearing women's clothes and that there is a difference.
I am NOT a crossdresser.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm