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BFF with Ex, I feel like death suddenly.
Ginzue
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, this is sort of hard to admit, but my most recent ex whom I am on good terms with recently told me shes going after my best friend, we'll call him Nick (we are very similar), we'll call her Jane.
Today we were all stuck in a car, with them in the back seat, and for the first time I saw them all cuddly and whatnot, for around 6 hours... stuck in a car.
Now here's my problem, I love Nick to death, but I had this type of hurt in my chest that I have never really experienced. It took me 6 months to get over this girl and the success was marginal at best. I truly thought that I was over her. I thought I was fine until I saw this and now I'm filled with a hurt I have nothing to compare to, worse than when we broke up by far. Seeing her in the happy 'honeymoon' stage when shes actually kind, fueled me with a huge kind of hurt.
I don't know if I can be his friend, hell looking at them together literally makes my stomach turn.
I know this is childish, absurd, and completely insane, but I can't shake this horrible feelings of pain, regret, and sadness. I even dream about it. Friends going 'get over it' doesn't seem to help. I think I need something more creative. Between my father killing himself, loosing all my money to a fraud, and living on my own taking handouts from a community center (I'm a senior in highschool), my times with her were the last 'happy' times of my life, so could that be the root of the problem? I think I can't stand to see people happy. So my question is, how should I get over this.... I'm out of ideas.
tl:dr
BFF is with Ex, and now suddenly after being over her for a long time, I'm depressed and can't think of any options.
Thanks.
-John
Today we were all stuck in a car, with them in the back seat, and for the first time I saw them all cuddly and whatnot, for around 6 hours... stuck in a car.
Now here's my problem, I love Nick to death, but I had this type of hurt in my chest that I have never really experienced. It took me 6 months to get over this girl and the success was marginal at best. I truly thought that I was over her. I thought I was fine until I saw this and now I'm filled with a hurt I have nothing to compare to, worse than when we broke up by far. Seeing her in the happy 'honeymoon' stage when shes actually kind, fueled me with a huge kind of hurt.
I don't know if I can be his friend, hell looking at them together literally makes my stomach turn.
I know this is childish, absurd, and completely insane, but I can't shake this horrible feelings of pain, regret, and sadness. I even dream about it. Friends going 'get over it' doesn't seem to help. I think I need something more creative. Between my father killing himself, loosing all my money to a fraud, and living on my own taking handouts from a community center (I'm a senior in highschool), my times with her were the last 'happy' times of my life, so could that be the root of the problem? I think I can't stand to see people happy. So my question is, how should I get over this.... I'm out of ideas.
tl:dr
BFF is with Ex, and now suddenly after being over her for a long time, I'm depressed and can't think of any options.
Thanks.
-John
Ginzue!
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2nd, talk with your friend. I wouldn't expect (and it'd be a real asshole move to ask) him to give up the girl. I would expect a bit of consideration from him about being all love-dovey around you. Explain that it tears you up inside to seem them like that and also realize (and say) that they have a right to their happiness. Just ask that out of the friendship he bears you to try and avoid it when around him.
Such a conversation might also be possible with your ex, but I'm getting the impression that'd be harder for you and less likely to have positive results.
Eventually I got over that feeling by falling in love with someone else, I think that is the only way to really get over someone (especially when we're still young). You gotta realise that she's not the one or something along those lines and that you can be perfectly happy with other people as well.
If you have any other friends than Nick, I would suggest you spend some more time with them or go out and meet new people. If you stick around Nick and Jane too much, things will just become more and more awkward and you might just break their relationship if you don't watch out.
What you are feeling is normal (in a way).
Try to talk to your friends about this.
Getting things off your chest helps alot.
Also, getting out and meeting new people helps.
You mention that you don't think you can be Nick's friend anymore.
Someone once said that girlfriends come and go but friends last forever.
Talk to Nick about what you are feeling.
Tell him how hurt you are but do not blame him for the pain. That will only make things difficult.
As for something creative, you can always find a hobby.
Delve into a good book or watch alot of movies.
Anything that will occupy your time and cause you to think less of the situation will help out.
You've got to find good outlets for your frustration, like the others suggested. Just distance yourself politely, its not unreasonable to do so. Also, adjust your playlists to lean to happier or energetic songs (always works for me).
This is what will happen: sooner or later you'll start seeing flaws in Nick and your ex. It will start small. Little things they do or say will start to annoy you. This will show, and it will start putting a distance between you guys, which will only make the trend worse. As your jealousy finishes the job, you'll end up more miserable than ever, having lost two good friends, and you'll hate yourself for it.
I'm telling you this so you recognize it and not let it happen.
I know this isn't the best advice, to just run from the situation, but it seems like you have enough going on in your life that you don't need to have this running through your mind. I also got some help from a psychiatrist...I believe you can see a guidance counselor for free in high school (well you could in mine anyway).
I know it is all VERY hard, but you just have to try and live for yourself, and be happy with YOUR situation in life. Thats all you can do man.
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You can definitely keep them both in your life in the long-run, but right now, distance sounds like what's needed. Hopefully, they'll understand, and leave you to it with a minimum of drama. And distractions are a profound help in a situation like this; for a lot of guys, it's hitting the gym a lot, for others, it could be some other form of self-improvement (like, say, learning a language), or perhaps simply developing or pursuing a hobby. It gives you something to focus on, other than your relationships with these two folks.
Seriously guy, best wishes. I hope that everything pans out for you in the end.
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^good advice
Also reconsider the BFF deal if he's down for going out with your "most recent ex" and (if you consider) the breakup was recent(though 6 months is a decent amount of time), as that's kind of a fucked up thing for a friend to do, especially a best friend.
Lime'd.
Good advice above.
Umm, no. Stop being childish. If his BFF was sleeping with the girl while he was still going out with her, fine. But his relationship with the girl is over. It has been over for 6 months. The whole the-girls-i-dated-are-off-limits-to-my-friends is bullshit. You don't own those girls, and dating them certainly doesn't give you lifelong "dibs" on them.
tldr; grow the fuck up
Look, we obviously have different values and feelings about this - I don't date my friend's ex's, and that's pretty much it. I was agreeing with what someone else said. Arguing about it won't change mine or your opinions about it.
Tell me you disagree, don't tell me my values are childish.
Using the term 'marking out other human beings as pieces of territory' is overstated TheCat - you're reading a lot into the very little I said - I just expressing my expectation of my good friends to consider MY feelings before doing something like this - and I expect my friends to know that doing what John's friend seemed to do to John as pretty unacceptable - from what I've read.
And that expectation only comes from what I think I WOULD do in the reverse situation - I wouldn't date my friend's ex 6 months after they broke up. I think that's fucked.
I never stated that HOLY SHIT NO ONE I'VE EVER MET CAN EVER GET ROMANTICALLY CLOSE TO MY EXs EVER.
Anywho, I think this is derailing, and I apologise. Just wanted a second to clarify/defend myself.
Edit: Also, Holy crap The Cat, we have Mods in Brisbane? My whole PA world has got turned upside-down.
And yes it shouldn't be DEMANDED, however, if the general courtesy is out the door then yeah you should reconsider the friendship, that's all I'm saying.
It only creates drama if the people involved are immature fools.
I actively try to hook up my ex's with my friends, because, guess what, they are my friends and I want the best for them. You should do the same, if they are really your friends (especially "BFFs").
It all comes down to these questions: Are you selfless and do you try to make your friends better off, or are you selfish and do use your friendship as an excuse to mark girls as your personal territory?
It sounds like you're going though a pretty rough bit of life right now. Maybe you are taking some of the bad feelings from other events currently happening in your life and making this whole thing out as a scapegoat, turning a bad thing into an OMGHORRIBLE thing? I don't know for sure, but I know in the past that's been something I've done.
Just remember.. no matter what happens here, you'll live. You will become stronger. You will get out of whatever messes you're in. It's all just a matter of time.
This isn't logical or rational but if one of my good friends started seeing an ex that I still had feelings for I would want to smash his face.
Likewise I wouldn't see one of my friends ex's unless I knew they were cool with it.
OP, you should ask him to be discrete around you, thats fine. And maybe yeah, avoid too much 1 on 2 contact because it probably ain't going to be too fun.
https://medium.com/@alascii
The thing about crushing heartache is that there is nothing you can do that will make you feel better. You can keep it from hurting more than it has to though: minimize contact with these two (especially when they're together) and occupy yourself. Don't think about it too much or you'll go insane. Occupy your mind and keep yourself busy. A new girl would help but keep in mind that you'll be on the rebound and basically just using her, so don't take it too seriously.
I'm sorry, but I flat out think you're wrong, and I know of almost no one who would agree with you.
The simple fact is, he was his friend long before she came around. He should mean much more to him than this girl, and to ignore the fact that he still has emotional scars from this relationship just so he can get his jollies off makes him a bad friend, period.
I mean, shit, especially a BEST FRIEND... This guy should KNOW what kind of hell he's been going through, and should respect his friends feelings. If my best friend dated a girl, then they broke up and he was having a hard time with it, I wouldn't even SPEAK to that bitch much less date her.
I don't care how you justify it, a good friend will never put some girl ahead of a lifetime of friendship.
I disagree. He very well should consider discussing this with his friend ABOUT what he did, or, if nothing is resolved, consider a possible option of distancing how close he is with this guy, because he clearly does not deserve to be his best friend at the moment.
Go find someone else to date. or at least spend time with.
And Phil, way to get defensive there. Did you even read beyond my first sentence? Yes, declaring someone 'off-limits' in a demanding fashion is marking territory in a back-asswards fashion, and no, its not a cool thing to do. You should just trust your friends to have enough concern for you not to do it - if they do do it, there's one of two things going on: a) they don't really care about you, and you just learned a valuable lesson about how much to trust them, or b) they're really pretty serious about the relationship, otherwise they wouldn't have risked hurting you to pursue it. That last bit is important - there seems to be no acceptance in this thread that just because things didn't work out with you and her, doesn't mean her and next-guy aren't an excellent match. It may more often be a rebound thing and not last or any of ten other relationship cliches, but no-one can make that call except them. That's why 'stay away' is really the only course that isn't going to lead straight to DramaTown.
I'm sorry, it's not childish.
If my friend suddenly developed a problem with my wife, then it would be different, as she is already the most important part of my life. But this friend did not know this girl well, and he had no justification for pursuing her. She was not important to his life, and rather just "followed his dick", and if you think that's the norm for your friends, then I pity you terribly. A good friend would simply pursue someone else, or at the very least, wait until the emotional scarring faded from the very recent relationship of his best friend.
I'm sorry your friends suck so much, but that does not justify what this guy did.
It sounds like your problem is that you're associating her with your past (the "good" times), and you're thinking of Nick as betraying you. Obviously, though, you broke up for a reason. You said yourself that seeing them in the infatuation phase hurt, and even though you didn't come out and say it, it sounds like that didn't last between the two of you, and something changed.
What I would recommend is to stop associating her with anything positive. It's a common human trait to try to forget about bad things, and that commonly associates generally negative things with positive aspects. Like a real bitch of an ex-girlfriend who you like because she was a lot of "firsts." No reason to like her at all except when you think about, say, a first kiss, you think of her face, and therefore all of the bad things are forgotten about momentarily.
That doesn't mean you need to lash out or be a dick about it around them, but rather just really "get over her." Remember what was happening when you broke up, and what Nick may have to look forward to. Ask Nick to do things just the two of you and don't be afraid to talk about the girl. Don't think of her as YOUR ex, think of her as Jane, nick's girlfriend that you happen to know way too much about.
It's not an easy thing to do, but it's one mindset that would help you be "over her." I wouldn't recommend trying to break them up, nor would I recommend spending time away from Nick. If you simply can't do it, tell Nick that it's tough for you and that you're going to have to not hang out with him for a while, but that you're still friends. Seriously, though, when I was dating and in high school, where situations like this are far too common, I found it easier on myself and the situation at hand to just stop thinking about it as "my girl with another guy!" and more as "i know a lot about this girl and he has no idea what he's in for, but I might as well enjoy myself." Don't think of yourself as another suitor, think of yourself as the friend who has inside information.
And try to get another girlfriend yourself. It'll get your mind off of her and help you realize how over her you really are. If anything, seeing them together probably reminds you more of how you don't have a girlfriend, rather than anything else.
Also, you'll be over her when you're over her. It can take time, so don't worry about rushing it. If you do want to help it along, just don't think about her. It will of course be easier to do this if you're not around her.
The good news is my pain led to my discovery of drugs
The bad news is my pain led to my discovery of drugs
Anyway, my advice is to not dwell on it too much and to avoid them as a couple as much as you can, try not to get trapped in a car with them
That's rough under any circumstances, ugh
I really don’t know what you can do, except to stay away when the two of them are together and ask for some consideration of your feelings.
To clear something up, I'm not bitter at Nick. All of the gang thought I was over her, inculding myself, so its not a feeling of back stabbing or anything.
I am better for sure, but some areas are tormenting me. I can keep her out of my head for all day and have a good day if I don't happen to see Jane. When I am not around her at all (this is VERY hard in a school of less than 150) I feel like a million bucks, however when I go to bed I often have random dreams about Jane, and it makes the next day VERY hard.
I can't seem to shake my subconsious, the front end is all groovy, but the backend is what is hurting me. It is kind of confusing not being able to controll my thoughs, and mostly my dreams. If I could get rid of the dream part I would be in a much better place. Any ideas?
Thanks for all the help again, EggyToasts post hit the nail on the head btw.
My sentiments exactly.
With so many "fish in the sea" it is asinine and very disrespectful to get wrapped up in a close friend's ex. Depending on good you are as friends and how much time there might have been since a breakup (and how the friend feels about the ex) there might be some leeway but otherwise... it's just not something you even consider (at least where I grew up)
Dreams are a bitch, man. As an example, my wife and I have been doing work on our house recently; we just put in a bitchin' deck in the back yard. When we were getting ready for this, though, she looked at our front porch, and noticed some weird debris on it. She got the flashlight out and checked out the roof, and found that there were brand new rafters and ceiling behind really crappy and poorly installed plywood. She checked it for about 10 minutes.
But she then had weird dreams about it all friday night, and she couldn't sleep. Didn't make sense to me, and she's as confused as anyone as to why it was on her mind.
The thing about dreams (and REM sleep in general) is that it's the time when your subconscious will kind of sift through things you're thinking about. It doesn't really make sense, but a lot of it is based on recent events and things that are hanging out in the back of your mind. What a lot of people note is that if they read a book, or do some other activity that leads to a lot of subconscious activity, their dreams are affected by that activity. So, for instance, doing fantasy football instead of playing actual football would lead to more mental activity and would probably affect dreaming more.
It doesn't work for everyone, but maybe you need to pick up an "intellectual" hobby to keep your mind off of it?
In that situation, it's easy to get into that "this is the end of my sexual life" mentality, but having other successes to call to mind helps immensely. Just go put yourself back out there, be social, meet people. Maybe you're still caught up over this girl, but it's not like it's going to hurt you to make new friends and possibly potential love interests.
As for the BFF going with your ex. That's totally against the rules in my circle of friends (and no it's not a territorial thing, it's a respect thing). Granted, a certain time frame will alleviate that potential awkwardness and not be as big a deal. 6 months is far too soon for that time frame, as you've personally discovered.
If you can deal with it, fine, deal with it. If you can't, then fuck them and move on. There are other girls, and other friends in the world who won't do that kind of shit.
And I'm not just pulling this stuff out of my ass. In my senior year of high school, I was the guy going after my best friend's ex. Nothing really came of it, and they got back together and have been married for many years now, but the truth is my actions were felt in our group for years. We were mature and got over it, but I let my heart lead me into territory I never wanted to go, and I learned the hard way you just don't do that shit.
So uh....I guess my point is move on. If they want to try something together, let em, but you have no reason to be a part of it or be subjected to it.