So right now it's Poutine Week in Québec. So as a special we got a few poutines for dinner from a nice restaurant at my parents'.
My 4yo refused to touch it. Even after we put french fries and cheese curds in a plate by themselves, she didn't want them. Instead she devoured the plate of fresh fruits and vegetables that my mom kept on the table.
I never thought I'd say this, but she's being weird. I'm not mad that she'd rather eat fresh fruit and veggies than a poutine, but... she'd rather eat fresh fruits and veggies than a poutine!!
My kids have always preferred discrete 'things' to anything which is mixed at all. Like, French fries are fine. But not with ketchup. So, mine would definately not approve of the discrete food items touching each other.
My younger one is better, but my older one still usually gets grumpy if things are mixed up!
So right now it's Poutine Week in Québec. So as a special we got a few poutines for dinner from a nice restaurant at my parents'.
My 4yo refused to touch it. Even after we put french fries and cheese curds in a plate by themselves, she didn't want them. Instead she devoured the plate of fresh fruits and vegetables that my mom kept on the table.
I never thought I'd say this, but she's being weird. I'm not mad that she'd rather eat fresh fruit and veggies than a poutine, but... she'd rather eat fresh fruits and veggies than a poutine!!
My kids have always preferred discrete 'things' to anything which is mixed at all. Like, French fries are fine. But not with ketchup. So, mine would definately not approve of the discrete food items touching each other.
My younger one is better, but my older one still usually gets grumpy if things are mixed up!
This is really common with smaller kids. They want to be able to see exactly what they eat.
My 4 yo has horrible neofobia when it comes to food. So we usually save a spoonful of every ingredient during cooking and then serve her that arranged in small heaps on the plate together with the finished dish and some "safe food" (usually fruit). We also have a "no thanks"-bowl where she can put stuff that is too scary. No pressure at all to eat or taste stuff.
This approach has been working out great so far. Usually they grow out of it when they are 6-7 yo. Only 3 more years to go! Sigh...
So right now it's Poutine Week in Québec. So as a special we got a few poutines for dinner from a nice restaurant at my parents'.
My 4yo refused to touch it. Even after we put french fries and cheese curds in a plate by themselves, she didn't want them. Instead she devoured the plate of fresh fruits and vegetables that my mom kept on the table.
I never thought I'd say this, but she's being weird. I'm not mad that she'd rather eat fresh fruit and veggies than a poutine, but... she'd rather eat fresh fruits and veggies than a poutine!!
My kids have always preferred discrete 'things' to anything which is mixed at all. Like, French fries are fine. But not with ketchup. So, mine would definately not approve of the discrete food items touching each other.
My younger one is better, but my older one still usually gets grumpy if things are mixed up!
This is really common with smaller kids. They want to be able to see exactly what they eat.
My 4 yo has horrible neofobia when it comes to food. So we usually save a spoonful of every ingredient during cooking and then serve her that arranged in small heaps on the plate together with the finished dish and some "safe food" (usually fruit). We also have a "no thanks"-bowl where she can put stuff that is too scary. No pressure at all to eat or taste stuff.
This approach has been working out great so far. Usually they grow out of it when they are 6-7 yo. Only 3 more years to go! Sigh...
This is genius. I always ask nicely to try a bit before making a decision but don't force it, but I've always said "just leave it on your plate" which means I end up washing her placemat most nights because it has bits of onion or whatever picked out and placed onto it .
Bea (4) usually isn't a super picky eater and generally will eat things if they are touching but she will often deconstruct and eat as she goes (e.g. burrito bowl, first goes the cheese on top, then the dollop of guacamole, then all the visible beans, then the meat, finally the rice at the bottom). We try to plan menus around things she'll want to eat and usually include fruit or nuts or something if we think it will be a low-volume food but generally she eats what we eat. Re: onions, I'm sad that she always picks them out and says "ew onions" because Mrs mittens and I love them and when she does try them she always says "ooh these are good!" Likewise with bell peppers, I'm guessing it's a smell or textural thing.
So right now it's Poutine Week in Québec. So as a special we got a few poutines for dinner from a nice restaurant at my parents'.
My 4yo refused to touch it. Even after we put french fries and cheese curds in a plate by themselves, she didn't want them. Instead she devoured the plate of fresh fruits and vegetables that my mom kept on the table.
I never thought I'd say this, but she's being weird. I'm not mad that she'd rather eat fresh fruit and veggies than a poutine, but... she'd rather eat fresh fruits and veggies than a poutine!!
My kids have always preferred discrete 'things' to anything which is mixed at all. Like, French fries are fine. But not with ketchup. So, mine would definately not approve of the discrete food items touching each other.
My younger one is better, but my older one still usually gets grumpy if things are mixed up!
This is really common with smaller kids. They want to be able to see exactly what they eat.
My 4 yo has horrible neofobia when it comes to food. So we usually save a spoonful of every ingredient during cooking and then serve her that arranged in small heaps on the plate together with the finished dish and some "safe food" (usually fruit). We also have a "no thanks"-bowl where she can put stuff that is too scary. No pressure at all to eat or taste stuff.
This approach has been working out great so far. Usually they grow out of it when they are 6-7 yo. Only 3 more years to go! Sigh...
This is genius. I always ask nicely to try a bit before making a decision but don't force it, but I've always said "just leave it on your plate" which means I end up washing her placemat most nights because it has bits of onion or whatever picked out and placed onto it .
Bea (4) usually isn't a super picky eater and generally will eat things if they are touching but she will often deconstruct and eat as she goes (e.g. burrito bowl, first goes the cheese on top, then the dollop of guacamole, then all the visible beans, then the meat, finally the rice at the bottom). We try to plan menus around things she'll want to eat and usually include fruit or nuts or something if we think it will be a low-volume food but generally she eats what we eat. Re: onions, I'm sad that she always picks them out and says "ew onions" because Mrs mittens and I love them and when she does try them she always says "ooh these are good!" Likewise with bell peppers, I'm guessing it's a smell or textural thing.
Yes, it is super important to expose them to everything but allow them to control what to eat themselves in order to build confidence. And absolutely not make it a battle, the worst thing possible is the old classic "If you don't eat this you won't get dessert!" as it only reduces the value of the food and makes is a punishment to eat.
We've also made a point of using the language "You don't like this food, yet" to emphasize that at some point she will start liking grown-up food. So now she just put stuff in the no thanks-bowl and says to herself "Nah, I don't like shrimp yet"
I think the only thing we do different is that we usually insist she has to try everything once. She can take a tiny bite if she wants, and she doesn’t have to eat the rest, but she has to try it so she can tell us if she likes it or not.
I like they attitude of “you don’t like this yet” though. I’ll have to start using that.
Jebus314 on
"The world is a mess, and I just need to rule it" - Dr Horrible
I first read that as "I got A pet bastard" which honestly would just raise even more questions.
"If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'."
I first read that as "I got A pet bastard" which honestly would just raise even more questions.
I mean, they could be aristocracy.
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HonkHonk is this poster.Registered User, __BANNED USERSregular
Our daughter was born on the 1st of February! She's healthy and rapidly putting weight on, her mother is also doing very well physically. It was a pretty tough pregnancy so it's really awesome to see her pretty rapidly gaining her body back (she was in pretty constant pain the last trimester). We've longed for this child and are very happy!
I also come looking for some tips or reassurances.
Coming up on two weeks now I would categorize having an infant as Not A Joke and we have both been very close to the mental and physical breaking point several times already. We both got around 1 hour of sleep for each of the first 4 days. The thing is that SIDS safety precautions in Sweden essentially say: Infant should sleep in their own separate bed in your room. We prepared the physical means to do this but then quickly realized that an infant doesn't seem to be able to sleep this way. In a compromise between us (needing to not die from lack of sleep) and the SIDS precautions we tried to use a baby-nest between our heads. But that didn't work either - she'll only sleep when in direct body contact with one of us (on top of us). So we have ended up doing two shifts of five hours where one of us stays up and lets the baby sleep on top of us while we stay awake watching TV or something. Does this sound like a dumb solution, are there other things we can try that we might not have thought about? Everyone says to "sleep when the baby sleeps during the day". This doesn't work when the baby will only sleep on top of you and the precautions say that you shouldn't do that. I understand it's not a law or anything but there's just so much conflicting pointers on what you should be doing.
Our daughter was like that at the start, I think the first few days given the short feed/poop cycle new borns have we kind of lived in shifts and just held her for a lot of the time. It helped that she refused to breastfeed so bottle feeding was the default - but you can start with bottles quite early once they have got used to breast feeding and it's not a 100% switch, which will make sharing the burden a lot easier with shifts. One thing people don't tell you, if you are supplementing with formula because of breast feeding issues, it's better to save up the pumped breast milk to give it all in one go rather than mixing formula and breast milk throughout the day. Their digestive systems are very sensitive and value consistency - so they will feel better with a day of formula and a day of breast milk.
We also found that after the first week or two, you could start to put her down as long as you did it slowly - so rest her bottom in her crib but support her under her arms a little with your hands so it still feels like she is being held, then gently place her down as she settles.
Good news is the newborn phase is super quick, I don't think we were doing any of this stuff after about week 4 but all babies are different. But keep trying, as there will be developmental leaps (with regard to your Quality of Life) every couple of days that can go unnoticed if you stick to a routine. Also assume that everyone's advise is relevant for a 2-4 week window, and that will happen at different times for different babies, there's no standard plan. Sleep when baby sleeps is definitely more of a month 2-3 thing when the gap between each feed and poop widens.
Congrats! Sounds like you're doing great to be honest. I watched a ton of PBS Eons those first few weeks.
Our daughter was born on the 1st of February! She's healthy and rapidly putting weight on, her mother is also doing very well physically. It was a pretty tough pregnancy so it's really awesome to see her pretty rapidly gaining her body back (she was in pretty constant pain the last trimester). We've longed for this child and are very happy!
I also come looking for some tips or reassurances.
Coming up on two weeks now I would categorize having an infant as Not A Joke and we have both been very close to the mental and physical breaking point several times already. We both got around 1 hour of sleep for each of the first 4 days. The thing is that SIDS safety precautions in Sweden essentially say: Infant should sleep in their own separate bed in your room. We prepared the physical means to do this but then quickly realized that an infant doesn't seem to be able to sleep this way. In a compromise between us (needing to not die from lack of sleep) and the SIDS precautions we tried to use a baby-nest between our heads. But that didn't work either - she'll only sleep when in direct body contact with one of us (on top of us). So we have ended up doing two shifts of five hours where one of us stays up and lets the baby sleep on top of us while we stay awake watching TV or something. Does this sound like a dumb solution, are there other things we can try that we might not have thought about? Everyone says to "sleep when the baby sleeps during the day". This doesn't work when the baby will only sleep on top of you and the precautions say that you shouldn't do that. I understand it's not a law or anything but there's just so much conflicting pointers on what you should be doing.
Hej! I know that pain very well - for a good while our son refused to sleep elsewhere than on our chests, so we ended up doing the whole sleep in shifts thing, which was very rough to say the least. Eventually he learned how to sleep in his bed, but it took a while.
A good time to get rest is when you have relatives visiting. Want to come visit the cute baby? Bring some food/help out with some other stuff while you/the babys mother can get some rest.
I know it sounds heartless but sometimes if you've fed them, changed their diapers, and burped them and they're still unwilling to go to sleep letting them cry it out is a viable alternative. Prioritizing safety, of course, but if you aren't getting the sleep you need then it is an option that exists. Stay safe and healthy!
In addition to what others have said, it takes babies a while to actually get to sleep. Like, a deep sleep, I mean. So, have you tried putting her into her own bed about 20-30 minutes after she actually "falls asleep"? Such that she's actually sleeping more deeply (hopefully) and won't immediately wake up. Another thing is that there could be a big temperature change between her own bed and your bodies, which could more easily wake her up in that initial moment, so if you can think of creative ideas to warm that up first that could help (get a towel or something out of the dryer and lay it on the bed for a few minutes maybe? not sure, we didn't end up having to do that).
It also kind of depends on how she's not sleeping. Is she not getting to sleep in her bed? Is she not staying asleep during the transition between you getting her to sleep via holding and transferring her to her bed (my assumption, here, because that's a lot of the problems we had)? Is she sleeping in her bed but then wakes up an hour into it and cries?
also for both my girls getting a good swaddle was key to being able to lay them down by themselves
and we went the the velcro swaddle blankets, trying to just do it up old school always led to them kicking out after 5 minutes
life's a game that you're bound to lose / like using a hammer to pound in screws
fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we have booze
bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
I know it sounds heartless but sometimes if you've fed them, changed their diapers, and burped them and they're still unwilling to go to sleep letting them cry it out is a viable alternative. Prioritizing safety, of course, but if you aren't getting the sleep you need then it is an option that exists. Stay safe and healthy!
Depending on where you are "Crying it out" isn't something recommended, especially not regularly as the lesson can potentially be "sometimes, even if you cry, no one will come" and lead to great anxiety and more extreme attachment ("you are only there if I can feel you" kind of thing) that will extend the phase. Talking to them and the occasional touch should help here though, but we just did shifts. All Babies Are Different though!
It's a strange time for both of you, especially if you're family are hours away and you don't have friends with kids at this point - so if you are at your wit's end, think of the airline oxygen mask principle and make sure you prioritise yourself enough that you can continue you look after them in the future (we found that this was less about holding the baby as it was saying "I have to have another hour or so's sleep, give me this and I'll cook/order something to eat for us when you wake up" to the other parent).
First three months is pretty much workarounds and make dos though, there's no easy system or trick short of a wetnurse but it's surprisingly how quickly you adapt especially after the 4 week period if you're both able to take that time off.
I know it sounds heartless but sometimes if you've fed them, changed their diapers, and burped them and they're still unwilling to go to sleep letting them cry it out is a viable alternative. Prioritizing safety, of course, but if you aren't getting the sleep you need then it is an option that exists. Stay safe and healthy!
Depending on where you are "Crying it out" isn't something recommended, especially not regularly as the lesson can potentially be "sometimes, even if you cry, no one will come" and lead to great anxiety and more extreme attachment ("you are only there if I can feel you" kind of thing) that will extend the phase. Talking to them and the occasional touch should help here though.
It's a strange time for both of you, especially if you're family are hours away and you don't have friends with kids at this point - so if you are at your wit's end, think of the airline oxygen mask principle and make sure you prioritise yourself enough that you can continue you look after them in the future (we found that this was less about holding the baby as it was saying "I have to have another hour or so's sleep, give me this and I'll cook/order something to eat for us when you wake up" to the other parent).
First three months is pretty much workarounds and make dos though, there's no easy system or trick short of a wetnurse but it's surprisingly how quickly you adapt especially after the 4 week period if you're both able to take that time off.
So, I think the idea behind urahonky's suggestion isn't to go full-on "cry it out," which as you said it not recommended in most places now. But more of what you were saying in the second paragraph, that it is really important that the health (mental/physical) of the parents is being prioritized to some degree here, too. Sometimes that may involve the child crying in the other room while the parents just recuperate some. It's not ideal, but nothing about raising kids ever is
I know it sounds heartless but sometimes if you've fed them, changed their diapers, and burped them and they're still unwilling to go to sleep letting them cry it out is a viable alternative. Prioritizing safety, of course, but if you aren't getting the sleep you need then it is an option that exists. Stay safe and healthy!
I would add also check that they don't have a fever before you let them cry it out. Just in case.
@CelestialBadger: Thanks again for the Pixel Dungeon rec - I gave everybody’s suggestions a shot, but I still haven’t had much time for gaming with the little grub around (I keep prioritizing home projects when I have more than a few minutes), and this has been perfect for those scenarios where she won’t settle into a full sleep if I’m not holding her and I’m too tired to carry her around. Or when trying to emphasize that night time is sleep time, not Daddy walks us around and sings misremembered Pink Floyd lyrics time. I think this is the most old-fashioned roguelike that’s ever worked for me, and it’s perfect for five minute bursts, sometimes over and over again until it’s pass out time.
For sleep: Kid is starting to have a few longer sleep periods over night (she’s just over a month now) and I am very happy for that development - now I need to adjust my own schedule back to not waking up in the afternoon and staying up all night catching up on chores/me time.
Things that have helped with the bassinet, which she sometimes hates: swaddling (mostly sleep sacks now, they’re easy when you’re exhausted and she doesn’t escape them as easily), waiting until she’s deeper asleep but not in full REM mode (tricky, haven’t nailed this, but basically I wait until her breathing has slowed for 5-10 minutes consecutively), and using a heating pad to warm the bassinet before I put her in (I suspect the transition from warm daddy chest to cold bassinet sheets was startling her awake). Make sure to take the pad out before putting her in, but that one has been a game changer for me.
Though I also suspect I’m drawing a lot of tenuous conclusions and the reality is she just needed to get a bigger stomach so she isn’t getting hungry every hour.
That said, it has already gotten much better on the sleep front, so hang in there.
Edit: to be clear, longer sleep periods means last night was two three hour naps with a thirty minute feeding session in the middle, and I felt like I was a hero.
I know it sounds heartless but sometimes if you've fed them, changed their diapers, and burped them and they're still unwilling to go to sleep letting them cry it out is a viable alternative. Prioritizing safety, of course, but if you aren't getting the sleep you need then it is an option that exists. Stay safe and healthy!
Depending on where you are "Crying it out" isn't something recommended, especially not regularly as the lesson can potentially be "sometimes, even if you cry, no one will come" and lead to great anxiety and more extreme attachment ("you are only there if I can feel you" kind of thing) that will extend the phase. Talking to them and the occasional touch should help here though.
It's a strange time for both of you, especially if you're family are hours away and you don't have friends with kids at this point - so if you are at your wit's end, think of the airline oxygen mask principle and make sure you prioritise yourself enough that you can continue you look after them in the future (we found that this was less about holding the baby as it was saying "I have to have another hour or so's sleep, give me this and I'll cook/order something to eat for us when you wake up" to the other parent).
First three months is pretty much workarounds and make dos though, there's no easy system or trick short of a wetnurse but it's surprisingly how quickly you adapt especially after the 4 week period if you're both able to take that time off.
So, I think the idea behind urahonky's suggestion isn't to go full-on "cry it out," which as you said it not recommended in most places now. But more of what you were saying in the second paragraph, that it is really important that the health (mental/physical) of the parents is being prioritized to some degree here, too. Sometimes that may involve the child crying in the other room while the parents just recuperate some. It's not ideal, but nothing about raising kids ever is
Yeah I agree, and I don't really think that is what they meant as well, but there's a lot of now thought to be terrible parenting advice that was given out in the 80s...so thought I would clarify in case a similar sounding technique was being suggested by aunts/uncles or grandparents.
Honk! For the first three months you have all of our collective permission to 'just ride things out', there's no doing well at this bit. If you're all surviving and finding some good bits in all this, you're doing it right.
I'd like to second trying a nice tight swaddle. They can go quite a bit tighter than you'd expect. Our little one would sometimes get her foot worked out of the blanket but her arms were kept nice and snug and allowed us to get a bit of rest. All kids are different though! Good luck! Don't forget to take lots of pictures.
Last night about 10:30, I got an email from nintendo saying funds had been added to my account. I thought that was weird, but figured my wife must be doing something (I was in my basement office). Then I was upstairs and she'd already gone to bed, and I got another saying more funds were added. A light bulb went off and I checked the Switch cradle. Nope, not there. I went to my 11 y.o. son's room, who had "went to bed" a couple hours before. Lights off, covers over his head. I said his name "yeah?" Pulled off the covers. "I'm sorry." Yep, he was playing it.
He was only busted because of the funds thing. He wasn't actually using the funds to buy a game so I have no idea how he managed to stumble on that, especially twice. There's no way he would have thought he could have gotten away with buying and installing a game and not having it noticed (usually it's hooked up tot he main TV, so we all see everything, and nintendo puts all games you own in a list so they're always visible).
Further interrogation revealed that he'd been doing this for about two weeks. Literally had a conversation with my wife the night before about how something seemed up with him, because for the last two weeks his ADHD/ASD has been much more active. Lots of times of dysregulation where he's making loud verbal tics, banging things, picking on his sister, and just generally being obnoxious to be around. My wife actually said "I wonder if they messed up his medication and it's just not working" because this is closer to how he is when he's not on the stuff that tamps down his ADHD dysregulation. He's also been going to bed sometimes before his bedtime.
Now it's clear that all of this was because he hasn't been getting enough sleep, which is just insanely frustrating. It's also super frustrating because I had not put a parental lock on the switch since I thought we were past this. About six years ago, he'd been sneaking out of his room at night and watching tv. So we locked that up, and got a nanny cam to watch the living room and his bedroom door to make sure he wasn't up doing anything else at night. About five years ago, he used to have and android tablet. It was pretty locked down, but he used it to program snap circuits/lego boost on, and also we had wikipedia and some birding apps on there. The camera caught him running out of his room while mom was in the bath and grabbing her phone, clicking into the google app and unlocking the tablet before running back in his room. So he lost that.
But that was five years ago, and we thought he'd matured and learned. But no, he couldn't resist temptation. I asked him later and he said "Part of me said 'Don't do it' and the other part said to do it. And I'm thinking 'no, no, no, don't do it' but I did it." It's so hard with the ADHD component in there to know how much to hold him responsible. It definitely does make impulse control much more difficult for him. And during the night is when his medication has worn off (so he can sleep), so he doesn't have any help at all from that direction. If he was a neurotypical kid, it'd be much easier to say that it was his own free choice. But at the same time, I don't want to let him off the hook.
I put all the parental controls on now, of course. Which is a pain because now mom or dad have to unlock it every time they launch a game (it relocks upon going into sleep mode). His time on it is limited and based on other things he does (not really as a reward, but just to balance it since he also spends a lot of time on his [locked down to mostly programming] laptop). We've thought he could responsibly manage it, so we didn't have to always be there to put in the codes. And now we also has to do it when his sister plays.
Follow-up on this from 10 days ago. At the time, I also asked him if he'd taken his retro handheld (which he uses to make car rides to/from school with his sister bearable; the $80 one I got him to replace the $200 one I got him for Christmas that he broke within a day by slapping the screen due to physical tics) in his room at night the same way. He said no. I said okay, I believe you. But I want you to know the same thing goes here. You need to tell me if you are tempted.
Last night I noticed it wasn't on the charger, so I went in his room and woke him up, to find it tucked in next to him.
For FUCK'S sake!
Looks like we'll be putting the nannycam facing his door back up. We used to have to do it because he was getting up to all kinds of things at night. He was agreeing and saying he wanted it to help keep him from being tempted.
Unfortunately, we can't put any kind of parental lock on the retro handheld (at least not with the OS that shipped with it; maybe I could install a different one but what a pain), so I'll have to put it in a lockbox at night or something.
I feel like this is just going to be life forever now.
Posts
My kids have always preferred discrete 'things' to anything which is mixed at all. Like, French fries are fine. But not with ketchup. So, mine would definately not approve of the discrete food items touching each other.
My younger one is better, but my older one still usually gets grumpy if things are mixed up!
This is really common with smaller kids. They want to be able to see exactly what they eat.
My 4 yo has horrible neofobia when it comes to food. So we usually save a spoonful of every ingredient during cooking and then serve her that arranged in small heaps on the plate together with the finished dish and some "safe food" (usually fruit). We also have a "no thanks"-bowl where she can put stuff that is too scary. No pressure at all to eat or taste stuff.
This approach has been working out great so far. Usually they grow out of it when they are 6-7 yo. Only 3 more years to go! Sigh...
This is genius. I always ask nicely to try a bit before making a decision but don't force it, but I've always said "just leave it on your plate" which means I end up washing her placemat most nights because it has bits of onion or whatever picked out and placed onto it
Bea (4) usually isn't a super picky eater and generally will eat things if they are touching but she will often deconstruct and eat as she goes (e.g. burrito bowl, first goes the cheese on top, then the dollop of guacamole, then all the visible beans, then the meat, finally the rice at the bottom). We try to plan menus around things she'll want to eat and usually include fruit or nuts or something if we think it will be a low-volume food but generally she eats what we eat. Re: onions, I'm sad that she always picks them out and says "ew onions" because Mrs mittens and I love them and when she does try them she always says "ooh these are good!" Likewise with bell peppers, I'm guessing it's a smell or textural thing.
Yes, it is super important to expose them to everything but allow them to control what to eat themselves in order to build confidence. And absolutely not make it a battle, the worst thing possible is the old classic "If you don't eat this you won't get dessert!" as it only reduces the value of the food and makes is a punishment to eat.
We've also made a point of using the language "You don't like this food, yet" to emphasize that at some point she will start liking grown-up food. So now she just put stuff in the no thanks-bowl and says to herself "Nah, I don't like shrimp yet"
I like they attitude of “you don’t like this yet” though. I’ll have to start using that.
Me: You got to pet what?
Ellie: Bastard! I got to pet Bastard!
My wife, catching up behind her: BAXTER! You got to pet BAXTER!
I mean, they could be aristocracy.
I also come looking for some tips or reassurances.
Coming up on two weeks now I would categorize having an infant as Not A Joke and we have both been very close to the mental and physical breaking point several times already. We both got around 1 hour of sleep for each of the first 4 days. The thing is that SIDS safety precautions in Sweden essentially say: Infant should sleep in their own separate bed in your room. We prepared the physical means to do this but then quickly realized that an infant doesn't seem to be able to sleep this way. In a compromise between us (needing to not die from lack of sleep) and the SIDS precautions we tried to use a baby-nest between our heads. But that didn't work either - she'll only sleep when in direct body contact with one of us (on top of us). So we have ended up doing two shifts of five hours where one of us stays up and lets the baby sleep on top of us while we stay awake watching TV or something. Does this sound like a dumb solution, are there other things we can try that we might not have thought about? Everyone says to "sleep when the baby sleeps during the day". This doesn't work when the baby will only sleep on top of you and the precautions say that you shouldn't do that. I understand it's not a law or anything but there's just so much conflicting pointers on what you should be doing.
We also found that after the first week or two, you could start to put her down as long as you did it slowly - so rest her bottom in her crib but support her under her arms a little with your hands so it still feels like she is being held, then gently place her down as she settles.
Good news is the newborn phase is super quick, I don't think we were doing any of this stuff after about week 4 but all babies are different. But keep trying, as there will be developmental leaps (with regard to your Quality of Life) every couple of days that can go unnoticed if you stick to a routine. Also assume that everyone's advise is relevant for a 2-4 week window, and that will happen at different times for different babies, there's no standard plan. Sleep when baby sleeps is definitely more of a month 2-3 thing when the gap between each feed and poop widens.
Congrats! Sounds like you're doing great to be honest. I watched a ton of PBS Eons those first few weeks.
Hej! I know that pain very well - for a good while our son refused to sleep elsewhere than on our chests, so we ended up doing the whole sleep in shifts thing, which was very rough to say the least. Eventually he learned how to sleep in his bed, but it took a while.
A good time to get rest is when you have relatives visiting. Want to come visit the cute baby? Bring some food/help out with some other stuff while you/the babys mother can get some rest.
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It also kind of depends on how she's not sleeping. Is she not getting to sleep in her bed? Is she not staying asleep during the transition between you getting her to sleep via holding and transferring her to her bed (my assumption, here, because that's a lot of the problems we had)? Is she sleeping in her bed but then wakes up an hour into it and cries?
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and we went the the velcro swaddle blankets, trying to just do it up old school always led to them kicking out after 5 minutes
fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we have booze
bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
Depending on where you are "Crying it out" isn't something recommended, especially not regularly as the lesson can potentially be "sometimes, even if you cry, no one will come" and lead to great anxiety and more extreme attachment ("you are only there if I can feel you" kind of thing) that will extend the phase. Talking to them and the occasional touch should help here though, but we just did shifts. All Babies Are Different though!
It's a strange time for both of you, especially if you're family are hours away and you don't have friends with kids at this point - so if you are at your wit's end, think of the airline oxygen mask principle and make sure you prioritise yourself enough that you can continue you look after them in the future (we found that this was less about holding the baby as it was saying "I have to have another hour or so's sleep, give me this and I'll cook/order something to eat for us when you wake up" to the other parent).
First three months is pretty much workarounds and make dos though, there's no easy system or trick short of a wetnurse but it's surprisingly how quickly you adapt especially after the 4 week period if you're both able to take that time off.
So, I think the idea behind urahonky's suggestion isn't to go full-on "cry it out," which as you said it not recommended in most places now. But more of what you were saying in the second paragraph, that it is really important that the health (mental/physical) of the parents is being prioritized to some degree here, too. Sometimes that may involve the child crying in the other room while the parents just recuperate some. It's not ideal, but nothing about raising kids ever is
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I would add also check that they don't have a fever before you let them cry it out. Just in case.
For sleep: Kid is starting to have a few longer sleep periods over night (she’s just over a month now) and I am very happy for that development - now I need to adjust my own schedule back to not waking up in the afternoon and staying up all night catching up on chores/me time.
Things that have helped with the bassinet, which she sometimes hates: swaddling (mostly sleep sacks now, they’re easy when you’re exhausted and she doesn’t escape them as easily), waiting until she’s deeper asleep but not in full REM mode (tricky, haven’t nailed this, but basically I wait until her breathing has slowed for 5-10 minutes consecutively), and using a heating pad to warm the bassinet before I put her in (I suspect the transition from warm daddy chest to cold bassinet sheets was startling her awake). Make sure to take the pad out before putting her in, but that one has been a game changer for me.
Though I also suspect I’m drawing a lot of tenuous conclusions and the reality is she just needed to get a bigger stomach so she isn’t getting hungry every hour.
That said, it has already gotten much better on the sleep front, so hang in there.
Edit: to be clear, longer sleep periods means last night was two three hour naps with a thirty minute feeding session in the middle, and I felt like I was a hero.
Yeah I agree, and I don't really think that is what they meant as well, but there's a lot of now thought to be terrible parenting advice that was given out in the 80s...so thought I would clarify in case a similar sounding technique was being suggested by aunts/uncles or grandparents.
Honk! For the first three months you have all of our collective permission to 'just ride things out', there's no doing well at this bit. If you're all surviving and finding some good bits in all this, you're doing it right.
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All yours. I post very slowly. Really more of a social poster. I can quit anytime.
Follow-up on this from 10 days ago. At the time, I also asked him if he'd taken his retro handheld (which he uses to make car rides to/from school with his sister bearable; the $80 one I got him to replace the $200 one I got him for Christmas that he broke within a day by slapping the screen due to physical tics) in his room at night the same way. He said no. I said okay, I believe you. But I want you to know the same thing goes here. You need to tell me if you are tempted.
Last night I noticed it wasn't on the charger, so I went in his room and woke him up, to find it tucked in next to him.
For FUCK'S sake!
Looks like we'll be putting the nannycam facing his door back up. We used to have to do it because he was getting up to all kinds of things at night. He was agreeing and saying he wanted it to help keep him from being tempted.
Unfortunately, we can't put any kind of parental lock on the retro handheld (at least not with the OS that shipped with it; maybe I could install a different one but what a pain), so I'll have to put it in a lockbox at night or something.
I feel like this is just going to be life forever now.
NEW THREAD TIME!!!
NEW THREAD TIME!!!
NEW THREAD TIME!!!
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